they say you don't know what you got 'til it's gone / / they say that your darkest hour comes before your dawn

Friday, December 31, 2010

If home is where the heart is, why do I feel so fucking heartless ?;

An icon cast in the light of freer times, 
now writhes in a bed of lies.
Hope doesn't live here.
Love doesn't live here anymore.
Mother mercy, take my hand.
Follow me through this forsaken land.
Father time, return what's mine.
The innocence you stole from these eyes.
Because I just feel numb.


Sometimes, waiting so patiently eventually turns into giving up. I'm sitting on the borderline. If I were to pack my bags and disappear into Amsterdam for a month, I wonder who I'd come back as. Would living the life of an unknown, awake me to who I really am ? Would anything change ?

“I think we dream so we don't have to be apart so long. 
If we're in each other's dreams, we can be together all the time.”

 I need the shit in my head to sort itself out.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Three words;

So a friend of mine on Facebook posted a link to a website called ThreeWords. I decided I would make an account to see how it pans out. Probably won't get anything interesting, if anything at all, but it's for funsies ;D So here, go describe me in three words -

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Slippery dip;

I've always found it interesting to see how people go from strangers to friends and whatnot. As we grow up, the method changes slightly. We become aware that similar interests aren't solely enough to sustain a friendship, and that seeing each other every day at high school doesn't mean BFF. When you're a child, making friends is so much easier.

I remember, as a child, all I ever had to do was find common ground. A little something like this:
"You like painting ?"
"Yeah, do you ?"
/biggest grin ever.
"Let's be best friends."
"OKAY !"
Easy peasy. That was pretty much all it took to become friends with someone. If you ever had disagreements, it could easily be settled with "Sorry" and "It's okay, I forgive you." You didn't think ahead, nor did you care who else they were friends with. All that mattered was that you were their friend, and they were yours. If only we could carry that mentality onwards as we grow up.

High school becomes some bizarre social competition where no one's really sure of the rules, or how it even began, or what the prize is, but it just sort of happens. You suddenly care whether they like the same music, wear similar clothes, who they're other friends are, and what kind of social background they have. It's like, favourite colours and past times don't matter anymore. What used to decide friendships is now the very thing that denied friendships from blossoming. We don't give anyone a fair chance to make an impact. We have, what we dub, "standards" to make ourselves feel better about being judgmental.

As long as we have a standard, we can pass out any judgment we sit fit upon another and not feel a shred of guilt. It's somehow all okay if you're comparing them to the best people you know. You wouldn't want to be friends with someone your other friends disliked, now would you ? It's ridiculous and the highest hypocritical act I've witnessed. We freely judge others but feel confined when others judge us. It's a lose-lose situation if you ask me.

I wish things could be simple again. I want to be able to make friends with someone just because their favourite colours are red and purple too. I don't want to think about whether their friends will like me or not. I want to build simple and honest friendships without all the dramas. If only it were that easy. Boo.

Thursday, December 23, 2010


You must get insanely jealous knowing that I make the people you love happier than you did. Pretending to be a good person so everyone likes you proves how insecure you really are. You really don't have any self confidence at all, do you ?

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Wallflower perks;

So this is my life. 
And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad 
and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.

Horror dream;

I don't know if I've told you this before, but I have crazy messed up dreams. Usually, people die in them. I never actually see them when they die, and it's always in some extreme styled death, but I know when it happens. It's almost like I'm being held back from watching and preventing it in my dreams. Most of the time, it's people I don't know, so when I wake up I'm sort of shaken but okay. This morning was a first. This time, a best friend of mine died. Ryan to be specific. And this time, I woke up crying to myself. Quite possibly the most traumatic dream I've had yet.

I can't remember all the details, but I wrote down the gist of it while I was still half awake and crying. We were at some beach, I think Glenelg or somewhere close to my house, and there was a swimming competition going on. For some unknown reason, to compete, you had to hold onto a bunch of forms in your right hand, and a handful of money in the left, and then attempt to swim. There was a massive crowd there because the prize money for first place was $16 million. Ryan, and a few random people who I claimed as my friends, decided we would compete and win that money. I don't know how, but Ryan came up with this plan for us to cheat so we could win the money, but then donate $2 million to each charity of our choosing. Most of us agreed that we'd do it, because, after all, we were giving it back to the needy. Although, Ryan was lying to everyone and convinced us to cheat so he could take the $16 million and run. When the others caught whiff of his plan, they confronted me to talk to Ryan. I refused so they went to him directly, to which he denied. The competition started, and everyone was in the race except me for some weird reason. When the race was over, our team was declared the winners and we took back the prize money to our secret hideout [I don't know why we had one but whatever]. When we got there, the others asked Ryan were the money was, and he said he didn't know but he'd look anyway. Turns out he hid the money in the boot of a car, then attempted to run everyone over when we found him trying to run away. Somehow, they managed to dodge the car, stop him from leaving and then catch him. He was taken to this main stage where everyone found out what he'd done. I was already in tears after Ryan tried to mow everyone down, so this was pushing it too far. I ran up on the stage to try and save him, but he didn't want to leave. Turns out, they had attached a bomb to his waist as the desired method of punishment. It was at that moment that I realised they were going to blow him up as revenge for stealing $16 million. He just sat down in a chair and cried. I hugged him goodbye and then he told me to run as far away as I could, so I did. I pushed hard against people racing to watch his death, and when I got too far away, I realised I never got to tell him that I loved him because he's my best friend. I went to turn around and run back, but they had masked the stage with a massive curtain. I knew it was too late but I ran anyway, only for the bomb to explode before I got there. I could see body parts and blood in the air, and I fell to the ground crying. That's when I woke up.

I was immediately in shock, and then realised what I had dreamt and continued to cry. It all felt so real; all of my dreams do. And it's dreams like these that make me afraid of falling asleep. I know it's only a dream, I know it's all in my head, but when it feels so real you wake up feeling the same way, it's hard to let it go. I'm afraid of dreaming, even though I have some of the happiest dreams, too. I wish there was some way I could stop the bad dreams from happening, because I don't want to lose the good ones as well. And really, a world without dreams, good or bad, isn't much of a world.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010


My friends are having their second child soon enough. They always pick out unisex names. Justice is the name they gave their first born girl. I'm still awaiting the birth of their second child before I find out the name. I've heard what they're thinking, but it's never official until they're born. And that got me thinking. If I have kids, I'm naming one of them, preferably the first, Ramsey, regardless of gender. Yus.

One day, I will have a kid like this.

Jingle bell rock;

I love Christmas ! And considering this modern day and age, that's a rare thing. A lot of people hate Christmas, and for all the wrong reasons. And it's those very wrong reasons that some adore Christmas. Lucky for me, I love it for the right reason; spirit.

See, my family kind of celebrates Christmas differently. I don't mean culture wise, I just mean... We don't even have a Christmas tree anymore unless I put it up and take it down. Actually, thinking about it, I don't think we have one in the cupboard or wherever anymore. Not even a little novelty one. No tree. At all. We don't even have decorations for the house anymore. No tinsel, no banners, no lights, none of that wicked Snow In A Can spray stuff that I used all the time. Nothing. In my house, it almost looks like we don't celebrate Christmas.

I think maybe it's just because my brother and I have grown up, and we're no longer excited about putting the tree up and everything. Well, that goes for him. I love putting up the tree and all the effort of finding an even pattern of decorations, then untangling the lights. It's all so much fun and the perfect way to put me in the Christmas spirit. Maybe it has something to do with my grandparents. They don't have a tree either, or decorations, or anything Christmas related at all. Except for those bonbon things. That's as exciting as they get. I think that's were it steams from. Mother never had a tree or lights, so maybe she doesn't feel the direct desire to put one up every year. And now, that's what my Christmas' have become, too. What a shame.

Although, in saying that, I'm incredibly lucky to have a boyfriend who's family actually enjoys displays of Christmas spirit. This year I'm spending it with his family. Mine are all over the place this year so I don't really mind skipping them this time. Half in Queensland, half in Adelaide but hidden, and my brother will be wherever his stoned butt lands him. Plus, I've had 22 Christmas' with them, they can spare one. And in actual fact, I'm super super excited for Christmas for the very time that I can remember. There's all this anticipation of something new to me, and the excitement is unbearable. Thank goodness Christmas is soon. For the first time in my whole life, Christmas is an utter total surprise to me.

My father was not the spirit kind of man. Unless, of course, you were talking about cold spirit, then he was your go-to-man. He saw Christmas as a perfectly good marketed scam to take his money away from him. And while, to some that may seem like his not materialistic, let me reassure you that's not the case. He just liked money, and lots of it, all to himself. Every Christmas was routine, and it became extra "special" after my parents' divorced. When they were together, the presents they got us were no surprise because they asked us what we wanted. When they divorced, and the custody battle had begun, father's idea to win us over was to take us to the infamous Toys R' Us store and let us run wild. If I'm not mistaken, it cost him over a couple hundred dollars and he lost the custody battle anyway. That suddenly became my Christmas tradition - "pick out what you want, and I'll buy it for you."

My mother's side to Christmas was a lot different. We wrote a letter to Santa, expressing our wishes for what we wanted, and mother would take it and go shopping. The year after my parents' divorce was the year I got my Nintendo 64. For the first time ever, my mother and grandparents actually bought my brother and I an awesome present. And I played the living shit out of that console for years. Still would if I could find the damn bloody thing. Point being, mother's Christmas' were a little more on the surprising side of things, because, although we knew we'd get something off the Christmas wish list, we weren't exactly sure what it would be. And on top of that, we'd have to have Christmas lunch/dinner at my grandparent's house, as you do. Countless amounts of food, enough to feed an army, were aligned on the table for consumption. My grandparent's weren't very good with English, or shopping for that matter, so they'd just give us $50 in a card.

This year, on the other hand, is completely different. I'm spending with someone else's family, doing their Christmas traditions, celebrating it their way, and I'm totally down for that. We're doing Secret Santa this year too ! I'm so excited to see what everyone gets each other, although I still have my shopping to do. Buying a Secret Santa present for someone you don't know is rather difficult. I'll find something wicked of course, because I'm the ultimate at getting people presents. It's just what I do. And when the day comes to celebrate Christmas with my own children, they're going to get the best presents ever. Back on topic, I'm so excited to do something new and different this year. I really am. Genuinely excited and happy about Christmas. I'm spending it with a family who enjoys each other's company even though they get on each other's nerves. I get to be apart of something bigger than myself.

Presents don't make up the whole idea of Christmas either. Just putting it out there. I would much rather a Christmas dinner with family, than receive another $50 in a card. I like spending time with a family who gets along well. I like being able to talk about what's happened in the space of time that you haven't seen each other. I love the corny Christmas jokes that always arise when one's had too much to drink. I love the food and the weather, and how it only ever feels like Christmas when those two are together. I love the silly little flashing badges you see on every second shirt, and flashing earrings dangling from every woman's ears. I love how the shops decorate their stores with enormous decorations that hang from the ceiling. I love how jolly people are, and the excited faces of children who get to see Santa. I love the colours, the lights, the carols and songs, I love everything about it. I love how Christmas brings families together, even though they might not enjoy it.

I think it's time that I got back the true meaning of Christmas. Spending time with your loved ones and enjoying each other's company. It's not about how many presents you get, or the value of them, it's just about the time you share. I wish people would hand make cards instead, and get all crafty with their presents. I think things that are made with the heart have a value that money could never understand. Memories, giggles, full bellies, drunken "I love you" speeches, poorly aimed photos, kids who play with the boxes more than the actual present, little dress ups for everyone, the absolute reassuring feeling that you're not alone, ever - that's what Christmas should be about. And this year is the beginning of an overdue, and extremely welcomed, new tradition.

Merry Christmas.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Hakuna Matata;

Hakuna Matata ?
It's a moto.
What's a moto ?
Nothing. Whatsamoto with you ? Ahahahaha. 

I don't know if Walt Disney knew what he was creating when he made Lion King, but he's created a legacy. Every child in the world should know this song.

Friday, December 17, 2010



Take a long, hard look at yourself in the mirror;

You are everything you hate.

I am sick to death of hearing you say how you've found The One. You're an idiot. You have not found The One that you want to spend forever with. You say that to every person you've ever dated, and look where you are now. I swear you've been in more relationships than I can count, and you continually say how you're always going to be together. You always break it off, then cry about it to everyone. How about you do the adult thing and stop throwing around words like that. Maybe once you've spent a considerable amount of time dating someone, you'll understand the true meaning of the words you so carelessly use.


Do you know what one of the best feelings in the world is ? A breakdown heavy enough to feel it in your bones. Thank you to all the amazing bands that performed Wednesday night at No Sleep Til. It will surely be one of my fondest memories. It wasn't just a music festival; it was a party.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Secret Women's Business;

I was reading a short submission to a group I follow on Facebook, called Secret Women's Business. When I came across this story, I instantly felt like I knew how this woman felt. Truth is, I really do know how it feels. Welcome to the story of all my relationships - the meddling ex-girlfriend.

"Dear SWB, I have always believed that when it's over, it's over!  I have cut ties with my past and the only person I want in my present is my partner.  I am a bit on the possessive side and I confess to getting jealous.  Unless I'm given a reason, I am fine.  Recently my partners ex has made herself very visible.  She has started frequenting places we go and has even relocated to a rental 3 streets away.  

I don't believe in coincidences and I am convinced she is doing her best to get him back.  I have broached the subject with my boyfriend and he says I'm being paranoid and that I shouldn't be worried given that she dumped him, but that is precisely my point.  I have no doubt she's making a play for him and being a man, when it comes to such things he's as dumb as a rock!  

She has even started dropping by uninvited.  I'm not living with him and a couple of times I have turned up and she has been there.  I hit the roof and my boyfriend said that he doesn't see any reason why we can't all be friends.  There is no way in hell I can come at that.  I don't want to split with my partner as I love him with all my heart but every time I see her I want to scratch her eyes out.  How should I deal with this situation, I'm afraid I'm pushing him in her direction because of my bad behaviour.  Please help"

Always a comforting feeling to know that I'm not the only person who's had to deal with such ex-girlfriends, and that I'm really not all that crazy. This woman sounds pretty much like me, except I'm not possessive or the jealous type. And all of the ex-girlfriends I've encountered have continually tried to steal said boyfriend back. I've experienced the ex-girlfriend trauma one too many times. It's not fun, on anyone's part, except maybe for her. Bitch. And I'm not aiming this at any particular girl, just those who've done me wrong... Which happens to be all of them. Bitches.

A lot of the responses were similar - "It's you or the ex. Can't have both," and the age old saying, "Keep your friends close, your enemies closer." Very few of them were about accepting the ex as his friend and put up with it, but I don't care for those answers. And neither do you, you know you don't. So, how does one deal with such a predicament ? Easy. You start with the first answer, "It's me or the ex," and if that's not enough, you begin with the second answer, "Keep your enemies closer."

Sometimes, I've had to go with the second answer because the first failed. It's not easy, having to accept that an attempted-boyfriend-stealing-ex-girlfriend is now your boyfriend's friend, but it's that or break up. Really, breaking up is so much trouble. You've got to end it while somehow coming out as the good guy, then you've got to give back any items that you might have of his, then you have to work out how you're going to see your friends without him being there, then there's all those silly future plans you've now got to cancel. It's all too messy if you ask me. And seriously, why should you break up ? He wants to be with you, and if he's seriously committed to your relationship, and you honestly believe you can trust him, then leave the evil-ex-bitch-of-a-girlfriend to herself.

Besides, nothing in the world feels better than knowing your boyfriend shuts down his ex-girlfriend because you're the better option. Because he wants you. Because he's yours, and you're his. Because he loves you.The next time she opens her tramp mouth, shut her down with that. No matter what she says or does, it will never amount to being greater than you. He's happier with you, and that's all you need to remember.


Usher feat. Will I Am - OMG

I woke up with another awesome song stuck in my head this morning. This song makes me so happy for the best reason. Not because it's Usher and he's amazing. Not because it's Will.I.Am. and he can never fail in my books. Not because of the lyrics, or the fact that it's catchier than a winter's cold. But because I have the best memories attached to it. Every time Michael and I are in the car, he plays this song. And he doesn't just sing along to it, he dances and makes a fool of himself. Not because, by any other's standards it would be funny, but because he likes to make me laugh. I love the way listening to a song can evoke the best mood in you.

Huuur. I also found a lizard in my lounge room this morning. I still don't know if it's dead or alive, I've had it hidden under a hideous green bucket for half an hour. I don't know how to get it outside, I'm a sook when it comes to shock-surprises like this. Besides, I don't want to kill it either, so he can just stay there until mother or someone else finds him. HA !

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Wake up, Jeff !;

Why do I always tell myself that a nap would be good, when I know it's not because I always wake up feeling like I need to vom ? Naps are bad for me.
I really need to get up and move. Sippin' on French champagne for free all of last night, waking up at 9.30am for some ungodly reason, and then an hour nap on the couch at 12.15pm with my kitty have proven to be the source of my demise. I need a fresh teapot of Rooibos tea and some Xbox action to wake me up. Ugh, I better get some sleep tonight. I have to open the store all by myself tomorrow, and it's going to be cold, so I won't want to leave bed. Need to be more excited about life. Things are happening. Wake up, Bianca.

Thursday, December 9, 2010


This was taken when we were only best friends. Now, I usually don't have an issue with personal space, but standing that close to him made me feel rather awkward and nervous, aha. Probably because if you didn't know any better, you would have thought we were a couple. I think the reason why we work so well together is because we started off as best friends, and we haven't lost that at all while taking it up a notch to a full relationship.

A lot of people ask me how I dealt with all the troubles we've been through earlier in our relationship, and I could never find the right answer. Until I saw this photo and started thinking. You see, Michael's the first boyfriend who's not only recognised me as his girlfriend, but his best friend too, which is a big deal to me. For the record, Michael is my second serious relationship. As a boyfriend, I should have dropped his butt the moment he admitted to cheating on me, but as a best friend, I let it go. And I let it go, not because I was in love with him [because at that point, I wasn't], but because that's what you do when your best friend screws up. You let it go and move on with things.

And I know what you're thinking right now - Holycow, she brought up how he cheated on her, she must still hate him for it. She totally holds it against him and always will. Well, you're wrong. I don't get angry or hurt over it anymore. I let go of all those negative feelings the moment I decided that I was going to live a life of happiness, no matter what. He's also matured and grown up a lot in the year-and-a-half we've been together - not only as a boyfriend, but as a person. In fact, we don't even talk about it or anything of the sort because it's in the past. He's now a faithful, loyal, honest and trustworthy boyfriend, which is more than some can say about theirs.

I don't even know what the point of this post is. I guess I had these thoughts circling my mind for some time now, and all of a sudden I could put them together. I wanted to clear the air about what happened and how I feel, and how things have progressed. Oh, and for the first time in what feels like forever, I don't feel insecure. It's taken a lot of tears and hurt to get to the point, but he's worked hard at earning my trust back. He's also the only boyfriend to say the following words, and I quote; "I'm crazy in love with you, Bianca." If you don't understand the importance of those words, then you don't know me at all.

Random fact of the day; The first day we officially met was Valentine's Day. Cliché, I know.

Dear they-who-shall-not-be-named;

I try so hard to understand you and accept you for who you are, but you make it so difficult. I don't understand why you strive to be you "own person" by constantly doing things you believe no one else has yet to do. Why does it matter if you do it first, or if someone does it after you ? It doesn't strip you of who you are. It doesn't matter if people shop at the same place you do, you weren't the first customer and you won't be the last. You're not the only fan of the person you're obsessed with. How do you think they became famous ? Multiple people love them, not just you. You're not the first person to dye their hair pink/purple/blue/whatever, and you know it. After all, the person you idolise had blue hair before you did. How can you say it's okay to copy the person you idolise, but others cannot "copy" you ? You're a hypocrite and have the shallowest of double standards.

You think what you say, how you dress, and the colour of your hair defines who you are. Are you insane ? You're one of those people who constantly says that it's the inside that makes a person, and yet you want your outside to define who you are. The words you speak are full of lies. You know you're lying, to yourself, to your friends, family, boyfriend, to all the haters out there; you know. No one is going to remember you for the clothes you wore, or the colour of your hair, or the bands you love. You'll always be remembered as the girl-who-tired-too-hard-to-be-"herself". If you were comfortable with who you are, you wouldn't feel the need to constantly be individual, because you already know you are. Clothes, phrases, where you shop, who you're obsessed with; none of that defines a person. Personality does.

That's the saddest thing about you - you're dependent of others to feel individual.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

4th December 2010

I was in this crowd, somewhere around the middle-far-left-ish, for Stereosonic. I was also slightly dehydrated and almost threw up shortly after Tiesto played his set. Good day, but there have been better music festivals. Keen on the upcoming festivals like No Sleep Til on the 15th of December; Summadayze [which I may possibly sell my ticket for] on January 1st; Soundwave Festival on March 5th; and Future Music Festival on March 14th. Best summer ever.


Am I original?
Am I the only one?
Am I sexual?
Am I everything you need?
You better rock your body now

I woke up with this particular verse stuck on repeat in my head this morning. Nothing like a bit of old school 90's pop to start the morning. It's going to be a good day, I can feel it (:

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Inhale love. Exhale hate;

We all have a monster inside of us. Something that frightens even ourself. We're afraid that this monster will do things we never thought we consciously could. We know that no matter how hard we try to suppress it, it always finds a way to the surface. And as much as we try to accept it and love it, we create every excuse imaginable to hate it. It breads self loathing thoughts in our minds while breaking down our self esteem. We feel hideous, vile, repulsive. We don't think it's conceivable, at all, for anyone to love our monster if we cannot. Finding someone who can love our whole self, monster and all, is magical ♥

Monday, December 6, 2010


Here's my key philosophy, 
A freak like me just needs infinity
Relax, take your time
And take your time to trust in me
And you will find infinity
 One day, I swear on Utopia, 
I'm will have infinite love. 
The kind that dreams are made of.
It's real, and I am not giving up hope.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Feelin' a bit loopy;

It was once said [somewhere creditable, I'm sure, I don't remember though] that the stages of cocaine addiction, or maybe it was withdrawal symptoms [I'm not even sure anymore, ha !], are similar to that of the names of Snow White's Seven Dwarfs. Each name is respectively a different stage of addiction/withdrawal that a person undergoes. How Doc and Sneezy fit into it, I'm unaware of, but nevertheless, I'm sure there's a reason behind it.

Point being; I think there are several different moods that determine the results of my blogs. As such, from now on I plan to label them, each respective to the dwarf's name, in a bid that there might be some explanation as to why I write the things I do. It's plausible that the names may need further clarification - Doc, the blogs of intellect [though I hardly doubt the use of this one]; Happy, the blogs of happiness; Grumpy, the blogs of all things vexed; Sleepy, the blogs in dire need of a good night's sleep; Sneezy, those insipid blogs I post with song lyrics when I'm too ill to think for myself; Bashful, the blogs of love and lust; and Dopey, the blogs that have no classification except "strange".

So here's to hoping that by method of labels of dwarfs, I might come to understand myself a little bit more.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Mirror, mirror on the wall. Who in the land is fairest of all?

"Queen, you are full fair, 'tis true, but Snow White is fairer than you."
I now own an original VHS copy of Disney's Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. I found it in an op-shop today while looking for something to wear to Stereosonic, but alas, I found nothing to wear. Snow White happens to be my favourite Disney Princess, then Jasmine from Aladdin. It's also Disney's first full-length animated feature, and the copy I have features rare behind-the-scenes archive footage.

This is an early Christmas present for myself. I think I've earned it, ha. I'm pretty happy with my find, and on top of that, I also found another special something that's a surprise for Michael. He better be happy with it, or I'll keep it instead >:D
Happy Holidays everyone !

Oh, and I took out my surface piercing yesterday. I've had it since the 26th of April 2007. Considering they're only meant to last 6 months, I'm pretty happy that it only grew out now. It's been less than 24hours and the holes have already closed up, and the scaring is starting to minimise. You'd think after having it there for 3 years that I'd barely notice it missing, but I feel strange without it. It was apart of me for so long, and people recognised me by it. Such a unique piercing, such a shame to lose. Guess it's time to move onto more tattoos instead, ha !

P.S: I'm not wearing make-up, my skin is naturally clear. And yes, my cheek bones are extremely high and strong. Also, I just realised you can see Ichigo's head, ha !

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Home, sweet home;

$653 later and I have my Ichigo back home with me :D He's still not using his paw properly, but at least he can feel pain in it. Best news I received. You can see in the above picture how his mouth is. Still a bit swollen but it'll go down in time. He went in for major surgery and they threaded a wire under the skin from the bottom of his jaw, around and over his teeth, and then back down again through the skin. You can't see it here, but he has a little excess wire hanging out the bottom. As for his paw, he can withdraw it when he feels pain, but mobility-wise, he's still crippled. He can walk around and such, but it's best if he stays in the one spot. Other than that, he's his usual cuddly self. The vet said he's incredibly affectionate and always came up for cuddles when he could. Yay for a happy kitty. Fingers crossed that his paw improves in the next 6 - 8 weeks while his jaw heals over.

I had to use some of the money I saved up for Fiji on him, and I would happily sacrificed my holiday again if it meant he'd be okay. Good thing I have a job going for the whole time he's recovering, so I can sort of replace what I spent. Michael and I aren't planning on going to Fiji until September 2011 so I've got plenty of time to save up (:

Wednesday, December 1, 2010


Today is the greatest
Day I've ever known
Can't live for tomorrow,
Tomorrow's much too long
I'll burn my eyes out
Before I get out 
For the first time in a long time, I'm delighted about the things to come. I'm supersupersuperrrrrr keen for the music festivals, the photographs, the inside jokes, the drinks, the late nights, those hysterical moments that suddenly become intensely romantic, and you realise how wonderful everything truly is. I'm super keen for everything to fall in place and feel perfect. I want to look back on the past 30 seconds and know it wasn't wasted. I want to know I spent those 30 seconds with the most stunning people creating the most electrifying memories. It's all so exhilarating that my skin tingles with excitement and my heart races that little bit. And I'm not in the slightest bit afraid of making plans with people in the future. So ready for the ride of my life.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

You're so vain, you probably think this blog is about you - don't you;

You can keep pretending that you're a genuinely cute and good person, but I'm not fooled in the slightest. And neither are the people you call your "friends". After the agreeing statements I've received, it's safe to say you're a fake and horrid little person. Everyone knows your personality is fabricated. Everyone knows that under that superficial and artificial "cute face", you're nothing but a copy of all the people you're jealous of. I can live with that, can you ?

"Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired, we are scared, denying it doesn't change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world. Head on, guns blazing. De Nile. It's not just a river in Egypt, it's a freakin' ocean."

Day thirty – A photograph of yourself today + three good things that have happened in the past 30 days*;

Lots of bling thanks to new job (:
  1. New job. WOOYEAH :D It'll be the best 6 weeks ever.
  2. I am slowly gaining back the person I used to be. Lots of positivity and happiness (:
  3. Mother came back from Melbourne today, and brought back a beach towel for me. I love practical gifts !
  4. I am super duper loved. Yes, yes I am ♥
I know it said three things, but I have four for today. Actually I could probably write ten things for the past month, but I won't. So there's the blog challenge completed. Now it's up to me to draw on my muse and hope that what comes to mind is worthy of reading. I'm sure I'll have my mind flooded with thoughts since summer's coming up, and I have a ton of music festivals to attend. Lots of sunny beach hangs, time to read intriguing books, and drink lots of tea in my lusciously green backyard.

Today's also my brother's birthday. So, Happy Birthday little brother :D
*Yes, I did this blog challenge over more than 30 days, but shoosh.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Day twenty nine – Something you could never get tired of doing;

There are so many things in life that I love doing over and over again. Like those moments where you laugh so hard your sides hurt and you think you're going to pee yourself. And the precise moment that stupid pokeball stops moving and you've caught an awesome pokemon. When you've spent all night playing the same level over and over again on a game just so you can get that awesome high score. Those Déjà vu days when you feel like you're psychic. The incredible overwhelming feeling of excitement when you get to see your favourite band play live for the first time. The way your heart beats faster when you're holding the one you love most. The way you instantly feel better after a shower. And the sense of accomplishment when you receive your first pay cheque. The nostalgic feeling you get when looking at old photos and reminiscing what used to be. The first bite of your favourite food. The way the heat feels like it's reaching every inch of your body when you take a sip of tea. When you stare at the stars and come to the realisation that you're not as big as you first thought. The first kiss with your new love. The moments you think about something happy, and you smile to yourself.
I hate it when the only thing that can stop you from crying is the very reason why you are.

Today, I found my kitten all bloody, with a broken jaw, and a severely damaged paw. He got hit by a car last night/early this morning. I put him outside before I went to bed last night because he was annoying me. I shouldn't have done that, and now he's at the vets recovering from his injuries. I've been bursting out in tears all day trying to get a grip on the situation. He might lose that paw if the nerves don't react in a few weeks. I have no idea how long it'll be before he can come home again. I miss him. I want him back; even if he may only have three legs.

On the bright side; Michael said we can dress him up like a pirate if he does lose his paw. He'll be Captain Ichigo, aha. Trying to see the lighter side in a dark situation can seem daunting, but I need to remain positive. He'll be okay, no matter what happens. 1 life down, 8 more to go.

Sunday, November 28, 2010


This is your life. 
"Do what you love, and do it often. If you don't like something, change it. If you don't like your job, quit. If you don't have enough time, stop watching tv. If you are looking for the love of your life, stop; they will be waiting for you when you start doing things you love. Stop over analysing, life is simple. All emotions are beautiful when you eat, appreciate every last bite. Open your mind, arms, and heart to new things and people, we are united in our differences. Ask the next person you see what their passion is, and share your inspiring dream with them. Travel often; getting lost will help you find yourself. Some opportunities only come once, seize them. Life is about the people you meet, and the things you create with them. So go out and start creating. Live your dream, and wear your passion. This is your life."

Day twenty eight – In this past month, what have you learned?

Sharing is caring.
Honesty is the best policy.
Patience is the key to everything.
Some things are better left unsaid.
It's the simple things in life that count.
And people, like these two, make the world a better place (:

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Day twenty seven – What kind of person attracts you?

Someone who loves me & makes me happy.
People come with their good and bad sides, and I'd rather take someone as a whole than only for the good. As long as they can make me happy, feel loved, and cherish being together, then I don't need much more than that. I want to feel incredible just by being apart of their life, side by side. I'm pretty lucky to have an amazing boyfriend who lavishes me with everything I need.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Day twenty six – A photo of somewhere you want to go;

The beaches.
Cherry Blossom Festival.
The snowy mountains.
The pyramids.
Oh, and my sponsor child too :3


You think the way you live is okay
You think posin'
Will save the day
You think we don't see
That you're running
Better call your boys
'Cause I'm coming

It's almost over now, almost over now.

Love of my life;

I would seriously marry whoever buys me one for Christmas.

The Super Nintendo Entertainment System [SNES as it's also popularly known by] made me fall in love with Nintendo. Oh, how I simply cherished my youth playing this for hours on end. Best thing that ever happened to me. I used to own one, but after I did some early childhood rebelling, mother saw it an adequate punishment to give it away to a friend of hers. I cried my little heart out that day. I'm still vexed at her for it. Bitch.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Sliding doors;

I've always wondered how people do it - live a lie. I don't get it. How do people pretend like that ? I'm serious. I can't get my head around it.

You know the people - the ones who've obviously lost a battle but refuse to go down with their sinking ship. They don't want to accept that they've lost and will continue to hold on to whatever memories and feelings they have to keep themselves afloat. The people who live in a delusional world that revolves around whatever fantasy they desire. They can't let go of what's not real anymore. They fight against reality.

Sometimes it's because we're still grieving over our loss, sometimes it's too painful to let go, sometimes false hope is all we have left, sometimes living a lie is easier. It's still not right. How can you do that to yourself ? To everyone else ? Keeping yourself locked away in your own little world makes the loss so much greater when you finally accept it. You realise not only have you lost, but everything you thought was real, is a lie. It's not healthy and it shouldn't be done.

Yes, you can remember how things used to be, and it is okay to miss it from time to time, but you should never live in a moment that's already expired. You can't live the rest of your life in falsehood; you will never get past it. You'll hurt yourself and the ones around you, even if you never meant to. And it's even worse when it comes to relationships.

The one who won't let go and move on. The one who thinks there's still a chance. The one that keeps telling themselves that it's just a phase and it'll pass. The one who thinks history will repeat itself, because it has before. The one who's claimed to have moved on with someone new but won't let go of the past. The one who's still in love when the other is not. That person is living a lie, and they know it.

I've never known someone who can create such a lie and immerse themselves so far that reality feels like a dream in comparison. How can you blatantly deny yourself the future opportunity to find someone new who brings you something you've never felt before ? How can you lie to yourself ? I simply don't understand.

Note to self: Do not read old msn conversations. How horrible.

Day twenty five – Who are you?;

I guess every person has layers to who they are.

Layer one - on the outside.
Bianca Rose Addams.

23 June 1988, makes me 22 and I thoroughly hate it.

Current location:

Zodiac sign:
Cancer, the crab.

Layer two - on the inside.
Your heritage:
I was born in Australia so that makes me Australian. I don't care for my parent's Italian background.

Your fears:
Abandonment. Falling off the bed in my sleep. Making eye contact with strangers.

Your weakness:
I'm one of those people who can become easily attached to someone. In saying that, I can also detach myself from someone just as easily.

Find everlasting happiness and never ending love.
/vomit at my cliché answer.

Layer three - yesterday, today, tomorrow.
Your thoughts first waking up:
If I wake up next to Michael, my mind kind of goes numb with silence because I'm too happy to think about the rest of the world. If I wake up alone, I usually try to instantly forget whatever dream I had.

Your most missed memory:
There's only one. I miss the person I turned my back on.

Layer four- do you ?
Only when I'm incredibly drunk beyond memory. Shame on me.

Have a crush:
It's more of a love thing, you know (:

Think you've been in love:
Currently am, and plan to be for a long time.

Want to get married:
If it feels right, yes.

Believe in yourself:
Goodness no. Only the tiniest bit, in fear that I'll fail and let myself down.
No expectations, no disappointment.

Think you're a health freak:
HA ! No.

Layer five- in the past month.
Drank alcohol:
More than likely.

Been to the movies:
Yupyup. Michael and I go often (:

Gone shopping:
Will be today with Michael. Yay :D
Apparently he likes shopping with me, go figure.

Dyed your hair:
It's been over that I think.

Layer six - have you ever?
Played a stripping game:
Kings with Sammy always means people get naked. Oh, and strip poker but I fail every time.

Gotten beaten up:
Story of my childhood.

Changed who you were to fit in:
Kids used to make fun of me behind my back because I was "weird". By weird, they mean I played games and junk. I'm not like other girls.

Layer seven - getting old.
Age you're hoping to be married:
Mid - late 20s.

Age you're hoping to have kids:
Late 20s - early 30s.

Age you're hoping to retire:
Isn't there some law saying I can't access my superannuation until a certain age ? Or something like that.

Layer eight - what were you doing.
1 minute ago:
This. Obviously.

1 hour ago:
Sitting at the airport making sure my grandpa got on his flight okay.

1 day ago:
Yesterday I was... at home, doing nothing. Much like today, except today involves cleaning my room.

1 year ago:
This time last year I would have been at work, doing my work thing.

Layer nine - finish the sentence.
I love:
My family + best friends.

I feel:
Hungry. Boo.

I hate:
I have no time for hate.

I hide:
Other's secrets. It's the only time I have to lie, only because I promised I wouldn't tell. I'd rather be hated for not telling the truth than breaking a promise in these situations.

I miss:
My best friends. I get to see them tonight (:

I need:
A cup of tea, a maid to clean my room for me, and some pop corn. I'd rather watch Sleepy Hollow than clean my room. Merrrh.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Day twenty four – A photo of something that means a lot to you;

Finding a photo of brother and I together is extremely hard.
This is the best I could find, aha.
He'll always just be Ryan Thomas Sweeney to me.
None of that Ryan Massacre stuff.
Hannah and I like to drink together.
Bradley 00 Semmens.
She's my favourite Kellie Jellie.
Celeste is will always be my sister and best friend.
Rachel is Ichigo's second mummy.
Every moment I spend with Michael is the happiest.
There are others who know they meant a lot to me, but these guys are extra special. They'll always have a special place in my heart and life. I love each and every one of them to death. They make my life incredible.

It's all in your head;

You know those crazy-insane-feels-like-reality dreams ? I keep having those. I wake up feeling as I did in my dream, and it's starting to hurt my head. The other morning I woke up feeling extreme happiness and sadness. Conflicting as all hell. I felt happiness because something I really wanted almost happened [it seems to be something I exclusively want in my dreams], and then I was sad because I ruined the moment and the person involved cried their heart out. Waking up still feeling like this, with hardly any recollection of what actually happened and what was dream, kills me. I lay there for a few minutes trying to sort out the puzzle of thoughts in my head.

Is this my subconscious' way of telling me what I really want for my life ? And that I'm going to ruin it ? What the hell is going on inside my head ? I'm becoming so afraid of the subjects in these vivid dreams that I almost don't want to sleep anymore.

/wolf whistle;

Fiona Bergson [French Doll] is off the charts.
I want to be covered in tattoos just like her.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010


Like a horcrux;

Like a Horcrux - Harry Potter Parody.
Give me that deathly
give me that hallows
Harry Potter’s my name
killing death eaters is my game. 

To be honest, this version is so much better than the original.
I am in love, and need to download this song somehow.


In shallow seas we sail;

I got eyes in the back of my head and I see where you're going with this.
I'm not surprised. You take me for a fool.

I know why you do the things you do. You don't want to be forgotten; left behind; become the past; a distant faded memory. It still doesn't justify the things you do. You can't fight a battle you've already lost. The harder you try, the more damage you cause. Savour what's left before you lose it all in your jealous rage.

Day twenty three – 15 facts about you;

  1. My hands and feet are almost always freezing cold unless it's above 35 degrees Celsius.
  2. I've never had braces. My teeth have always been perfectly straight, and my dentist always compliments me on them (:
  3. I have always been this skinny, even as a child. My doctor says I have a fast metabolism, so I'll stick with that. I've had numerous blood tests and other random tests to see why I don't gain weight, but nothing has ever come up.
  4. My sternum is curved in towards my lungs and heart. It makes me rather self conscious and I'm always shy when I'm in a bikini because of it. I've had x-rays and whatnot done on it, and it's not life threatening.  I would have surgery to fix it but they can't promise to realign it perfectly straight again. Plus they'd have to cut through my tattoo, and I'm not having that.
  5. Phone calls make me nervous. I don't like that awkward silence and trying to find something to say to make it less awkward, which in fact makes it all the more awkward.
  6. I get envious, but not jealous. Envy and jealousy are two different things. I'm not selfish, so I hardly ever get jealous. Kellie's the only person I get jealous of, because she's so positive and happy all the time, and I wish my positivity would make me half as happy as her. But it's never in a resentful way, I love her way too much.
  7. I'm lactose intolerant. Yes, I still eat ice cream, yoghurt and the likes, but unlike an allergy, I won't die from consuming it. It just means if I have too much of it, I get sick. Intolerances can be weakened, allergies cannot.
  8. I can never let my arm or leg hang over the edge of the bed. I'm afraid of falling off the bed.
  9. I've been collecting movie stubs since about 2006. 2010 is by far the winning year.
  10. You'll find me sitting crossed legged most of the time. It's really comfy to sit like that, so I do. Even on desk chairs, which can sometimes result in falling off.
  11. I've been playing games since I can remember. I first had a classic Atari that mother bought from brother and I. Then came the classic Game Boy that father bought us, and from then on I've always loved Nintendo the most.
  12. I'm a light sleeper so sleeping on my own can be troublesome. So can sleeping next to someone who snores and rolls a lot in bed. I'm looking at you, Bradley, haha !
  13. I have not slept with my best friends Ryan or Bradley. Just because I'm close to them doesn't mean I've slept with them. I feel comfortable enough around them not to care about nudity or the likes.
  14. I have now entered into my second long term relationship. I don't know what makes me a good girlfriend, I just know that I am. I'm also not needy. Or at least I'd hope not.
  15. I'm 100% honest [not blunt], which can sometimes mean people hear things they don't want to. Don't ask questions if you're not prepared for the answer. On top of that, I also despise liars.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Say what ?;

"Growing up sucks. 
Not all kisses are magic, 
and most boys do not live up to your expectations, 
but there are those times when everything, 
I mean.. love, romance, relationships, 
it all falls together perfectly and it's incredible."

I'm pretty lucky that my life is incredible.

A glass of bubble to celebrate;

Hello new job :D It may only be over Christmas, it may only be casual hours, it may only be small pay, but it's better than being an unemployed bum. I feel really good right about now. Best phone call I've had in a long time. Aaaand 5 pieces of jewellery free plus 40% staff discount on all jewellery. Diamonds are a girl's best friend after all ;)

Monday is looking mighty fine. Awesome job interview, watched Fear and Loathing in Las Vegs, scored a sweet job, puppy training with Rachel's little man, Chuck, and then Shaquabats basketball game. I'm going to squeeze in a celebratory Oreo McFlurry in there too, because it's hot and I want ice cream.

P.S: I may have mixed in two pain killers with that glass of bubbly, but who cares ? I'M EMPLOYED NOW, BITCHES >:D

Day twenty two – A letter to someone who has hurt you recently;

I only have one thing to say, then the topic is closed for discussion -

It's about time you finally got over it.


I've been rehearsing for my job interview for two hours now. I know I'm going to say something stupid. I must remember to think before I speak. I should be okay if I do that, ha !
Need to breathe and calm down.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

It's been a while;

It's late, it's hot, I have a job interview tomorrow, and I'm bored.  I stole this from Brittany Paige Hudson's tumblr page.

Could you stay in the same relationship for over a year?
18 months and counting ♥

How long would it take to walk to the nearest McDonald’s?
Ha ! No walking anywhere unless it's day time, sunny and warm outside. Well over an hour. I wouldn't attempt it.

Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?
More than one. I have so many people, and I'm always thankful.

Is there someone who meant a lot to you at one point, and isn’t around now?
Yes, life happens.

If you had to choose, would you rather be an alcoholic or a pothead?
Neither. I don't like to abuse my body on a regular basis. Sorry.

Are you a jealous person?
HA ! When pigs fly.

Strongest words are “i love you”?
"I'm crazy in love with you" means more to me than just "I love you."

If you were in the hospital on life support, would the last person you kissed be there with you?
Most certainly.

Do you think you can last in a relationship for 3 months?
If I can outdo a year, 3 months is nothing.

Have you faced any of your fears lately?
Tomorrow I will. I hate being watched, and that's essentially what an interview is.

Are you feeling cuddly?
It's rather hot for that, but I'm always up to cuddle Michael.

When is the next time you will kiss someone?
Whenever I see Michael next. Possibly Thursday, maybe Friday. I don't know.

Last person you talked to on the phone?
Michael and I were txting for a while (:

Want something you can’t have?
Nope. What more could I ask for than what I already have ?

When was the last time something bothered you?
The other week. Shouldn't be a problem any more. And if it comes up again, I'll make sure it never does after that.

How can I win your heart?
You can't. Michael's the only one I want.

Who was the last person to drive you somewhere?
I drove myself home, but Michael drove us to Coles and back earlier today.

Are you a sensitive person?
I try not to be, but it can't be helped sometimes.

Is the person you last texted single?

Have you ever seen the last person you kissed without their shirt on?
And then some ;)

What would you do if the last person you kissed kissed someone right in front of you?
Well, he's kissed Celeste before and I didn't mind. She's my best friend after all, and we do share everything.

Name something you did yesterday?
Harry Potter.

Is the last person you kissed mad at you?
I couldn't imagine why.

Has anyone put their arm around you in the last 5 days?
All weekend :3

This time last year, can you remember who you liked?
Same person as now.

Do you still talk to the person you last kissed?
Every day.

Is it possible to be JUST friends with someone you wanna be with?
Only if you're 100% neutral and don't have feelings for them anymore.


We’re sitting out on the couch
A movie plays without the sound
Words to say left in my mouth
With nothing left to pour
To pour

The mind works in mysterious ways;

My life is filled with knowledge that things happened even though I don't remember them. I know I had puppies growing up, but I don't remember them. I know I had best friends in primary school, but I don't remember them. I know I used to live in Melbourne, but I don't remember it. I know I've been drunk in town, but I don't remember it. I know I had a father, but I don't remember him.
Memory is a funny thing.

Day twenty one – A photo of something that makes you happy;

Summer & the beach.
Skin on skin.
White Chicks.
Moments like this.
Friends like these guys.
Festivals with the Charlton's Crew.
Some of my favourite girls.
She will hate me for this, ha !
House parties.
Ryan and Rachel, ha !
Brother and I.
Greatest bunch of kids I know.

Michael, and everything that comes with him.