they say you don't know what you got 'til it's gone / / they say that your darkest hour comes before your dawn

Monday, April 26, 2010


I wish you didn't affect me at all.
You always call yourself the bad guy, and you know what ?
You are.

I used to think I wasn't good enough for you.
But I've grown to realise something.
You're not good enough for me.

I am done believing I'm the one making mistakes.
I'm not. I am not being deceitful on purpose.
You are.

Sometimes, I wish I could walk away from you.
Like all those times you threatened to walk away from me.
But I don't.

One day, I'll wake up and feel differently.
One day, I will walk away, because I don't want to be here anymore.
One day, you'll realise all of this.

And by the time you do, it'll be too late..

Saturday, April 24, 2010


Something inside of me isn't sitting right. Something inside of me is dissatisfied and confused. I finally have what I want. One of the biggest problems I have is, well, gone. Sort of. For the time being, until something else changes, it's gone.

And I should be happy with that. I should be, but I'm not. Something inside of me doesn't want to accept that what's happened is good enough. I don't think anything will ever be good enough to satisfy my inner self. I don't even know why. Are my expectations of people and on life too extreme ? Do I want more than I can get ? Am I being realistic ?
I have no idea. Really.

To please me, after everything I've had to put up with, would take a lot. My problem wouldn't just have to disappear from my life alone, but the lives of everyone around me. To be 100% satisfied, I'd need that problem removed from all future possibilities. To know that it's completely, utterly, indefinitely gone for good. Then I'd be happy.

Surely it's possible. I mean, it could happen. It probably won't, but there's always a slim chance it might. And as long as there's that tiny shred of hope that it'll go away forever, I'm going to keep on waiting. It might take longer than I would like, and a lot more effort than I planned on, but I'm a patient person, and I can wait. After all, I'd rather it take care of itself instead of getting my hands dirty. The problem disappears forever more, and I remain the good guy in all of this.

Win - Win situation if you ask me. And that's the way it should always be.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Patience and Time.

Patience [noun]

  1. The quality of being patient, as the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation or the like.
  2. an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay: to have patience with a slow learner.
  3. quiet, steady perseverance; even-tempered care; diligence: to work with patience.

This is what's lacking in the world. Not from mine, but from others. People need to relax and be more patient. Not everything needs to be done instantly. It's ridiculous when you think about time. It never ends. It just keeps on going. Doesn't stop for anyone or anything. Just, goes. Seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years... Time is endless.

If you take a step back and seriously think about time, you realise how much of it you waste on being impatient. Let's use my life as an example. Say I live until the age of 80. There are 365 days in a year (roughly, we won't count leap years). Simple mathematics shows my life equates to 29,220 days. Now, there are 24 hours in a day, correct ? That's 701,280 hours of my life. Each hour is made of 60 minutes. 42,076,800 minutes for the total of my existence. To sum it up, life is a serious heap of time.

How much of that time do you think you spend being sad ? Hurt ? Angry ? Happy ? Loved ? Stressed ? Patient ? I don't think enough people spend enough time being patient. We spend so much of our time on being sad, happy, angry, loved, etc. that we forget to be patient with life. We only care for what's happening now, and in some cases, what's not happening now but should be. We want what we want, we don't care for patience or time. We just want it when we want it. We don't want to wait for things to go our way. We want our way, all of the time.
Humans are selfish creatures.

No one has a moment to spare for others. We all have to "check our schedules" and see if we can "pencil you in". I have absolutely no idea how people run out of time when it's infinite. If the day ends, there's always tomorrow. Why must everything happen in the present ? No one wants to wait until tomorrow, or the day after, or anything. Time is no longer valued or cherished. It's all about getting what you can from now. The future almost seems non-existent when you concentrate on nothing but the present.

The only time people care for time, is when they think they're running out of it. Unless you have a terminal illness, I highly suggest you rethink before you say something stupid like, "Oh, I don't have enough hours in the day."
Just, you know, think about what you're saying before you say it. If you can't get what you want done in a single day, then maybe you shouldn't take on so much in one day. It's not time's fault you failed for the day/month/whatever. It's your own fault. It's their fault. It's everybody else's fault, except time's. Time didn't run away from you. Time didn't disagree with you. Time isn't stubborn. You are. Time does exactly what it's supposed to do - it kept going. You just failed to keep up. You lost track of time.

I swear to goodness if people were more patient, they would be happier. Stop stressing about what you can't complete. Focus on what you can accomplish. The world is not going to end if you don't get your way. Time will not stop for you. It will not go back for you. It won't even go faster for you. Time obeys itself. Patience is the only ability you have to make yourself work best for time. You can't make time work for you, it doesn't work like that. You rule your life by the elements of time, not the other way around. Minutes do not last longer because you want them to. Minutes last 60 seconds because that's the rule. If you can't make yourself work with that, then you need to be more patient.

Fast food, express lanes, instant meals, taking short cuts... You name it, there's a way to make it quicker. People have forgotten how much time they really do have. 42,076,800 minutes. How is that not enough ? How can something that doesn't end, that lasts forever, not be enough for people ? How long is it going to take before someone takes a step back and says, "Hey, you know what ? This is going to take longer than I thought and that's okay. There's always more time" ? I don't know how long that's going to take for everyone else, but I do it a lot. I stop and appreciate time. I understand that it will go on without me. I understand that if I fall behind, time's not going to wait for me to catch up. I have to keep up with time.

Time has been around before I was born. Before any of us were born. It's going to keep going when we're gone. When everyone and everything is gone, all that's left is time. It does not end. It does not finish. It does not stop. Time is the only thing any of us have that will last forever.

Don't say you don't have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michaelangelo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson and Albert Einstein.  ~ H. Jackson Brown, Jnr.
What makes you think you deserve any more time than they were given ?

Monday, April 12, 2010

Living On A Diet Of Chocolates & Cigarettes;

In the eye of the storm, where everything is nothing, and nothing's all you've got. You can't see your way out, can't find your feet. Here goes nothing, take that leap of faith, into the darkness. Find yourself amongst the never ending chaos. Hold on tight, don't lose yourself - This time you'll be stronger. You won't be blown over easily again. Take a deep breath in, close your eyes and when you open them, see the world in a whole new perspective. Find the beauty in the dismal, find the heart in the despair, find your home in the land of the unknown.

I'm still finding my footing. I'm still working out how to open my eyes to a whole new world. I'm still working on a lot. A leap into the darkness, that's what I need the most. Pack up, disappear, and find out what's on the other side of life. I'm too afraid. Not of change, of failure. What if it doesn't work ? What if it turns out miserably ? What will I do then ? Saying, "At least I tried," isn't good enough. I need to know what I do gets results. I'm not putting in effort for a life that won't produce happiness.

But isn't that the point of human existence ? 
"Happiness is the meaning and the purpose of life, the whole aim and end of human existence." ~ Aristotle.
What else is left in life when all happiness is defeated ? If you don't have happiness, you haven't got much. And to survive on little to no happiness brings such sadness to one's life. We live, not just to make others happy, but ourselves. Finding the balance is trial and error, some never make it out alive. I've heard many say, "Don't take life so seriously, no one makes it out alive." I don't think that's right. You've got to take life seriously, if you don't then you'll never get anywhere. You'll stay where you are, you won't become someone great and you won't make an impact on someone else's life.

That's why I wake up every morning and breathe each breath. Not for myself, but for everyone else. You can't walk through life blind folded by your own selfishness. Live your life for yourself, but don't forget that a life without friends and family is a life of solitude. No one remembers the selfish bastards. People remember the givers, the sharers, the ones who bestow their happiness upon others as well as themselves.

Live a life of love, of happiness, of honesty, of soul and of courage.
Know that at the end, you lived your life. Full of everything that dreams are made of. 
Know that at the end, your life was lived through right until your departure.
Know that at the end, your life is yours.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010


This was emailed to me while I was at work today. I was having a stressful day and a co-worker told me that it's best if I don't fuss over the things I cannot change. This was her idea of helping me put things into perspective. And let me tell you, it worked. I don't know this little boy's story, or how old he is, or anything like that. But you can tell from the photo what kind of challenges he's had to live through.

Suddenly, everything that's crappy in my life doesn't seem so crappy after all. The things I stress about are stupid. I stress about work, about money, about family, friends, my relationship - every little thing that goes on in my life adds to the stress I'm already drowning in. I don't even know why I stress. Nothing is achieved from stressing, except the loss of hair and sleep. I can handle lack of sleep, but losing my hair is not something I'm over the moon about. It's taken me too long to grow it back after cutting most of it off, I'm not about to lose it again.

See, now I'm stressing about losing my hair. Excellent.

The thing I love most about this photo, is that little boy's smile. He's truly happy despite his adversities. He plays golf, rides horses, runs in Little Athletics, rides a bike, even gets into a little wake boarding (I have other photos, but I'm not going to post them all). I don't even smile like that anymore. Not with my whole heart full of happiness. I forgot what that feels like. Point being, life isn't so hard when everything comes easy to you. Sure enough keeping things in my life stable isn't easy, but it's sure as hell not as hard as this little boy's had it. Can't imagine how proud his parents must be.

I don't know if it's the anti-depressants that I have to take twice a day, or that photo that's making me happy, but whatever it is, I like it. And for my happiness' sake, I'd like to believe it's the latter. No more fussing about things I cannot change. Life may not be perfect, but it still keeps moving forward. And I'm not going to let my life pass me by anymore.

Ohyeah, he can play ice hockey too.
Next time you think life's too hard, think about skating on ice with no legs. 
Now there's a challenge.

P.S: I don't know anything about this little boy. If someone who knows him, through any association, and is offended by this, I meant no harm. He's an inspiration and you should be proud. 

Monday, April 5, 2010

Here We Go Again;

“Dear old friend,
It’s been some time since we last spoke, or we last saw of each other. We spent many months together, closer than I’ve ever been to anyone else, then we parted. The day I made my decision to leave you behind was a tough one. I threw out everything that reminded me of you, every photo, ever letter, I even chose to forget the memories associated with you. Now that you’ve returned, it’s not the most thrilling feeling in the world. I’m not sure that seeing you is a good idea, and I wish that you would make things simple and easy by leaving me alone. The years I spent without you were the happiest I’ve had to date, and I don’t want you ruining that for me. I’ve got a stable home life, my career is finally taking off, my boyfriend and I love each other very much, and I’ve finally dealt with the horrific pain and trauma you caused me all those years ago. I’m not angry that you’re here, I’m just disappointed that I couldn’t have avoided you. You’ve sprung up on me like a bad rash and this isn’t good. At least this time things are different and I’m the one in control. I won’t let you have your way with me like you did last time. I’m stronger now and I don’t need you to survive.
Thanks for nothing,
Dear depression,
It’s been four years since I got over you, I wanted to keep that going for the rest of my life. I guess you had other plans. Nevertheless, you’re here, and I’ve got to work out a way to rid you from my world as soon as I can. I wish you were a real person, then I’d write you a letter saying everything I just wrote and you would go away in an instant. Instead, I’m stuck with anti-depressants.

Three To Five;

“I love you.”
Three words most people think have lost their meaning. Three words most people think have been over used and thrown around.
“I’m in love with you.”
Five words that mean more than you can imagine. Five words that feel stronger, feel deeper, feel greater.
Love isn’t lost. Love isn’t dead.
Love is waiting. Waiting for those five words.
Five words I’m yet to hear.

A bit of Q&A;

10 Things You Want:

9 Musicians/Bands You Love:
Angus & Julia Stone.
Blink - 182.
A Day To Remember.
Britney Spears.
City and Colour.

8 Things You Do Every Day:
Check my phone.
Check Facebook.
Skip breakfast.
Say good morning to Ichigo.
Brush my teeth.
Txt Michael.
Cup of tea.

7 Things You Enjoy:
Watching movies.
Chilling with friends.
Good conversations.
Taking crazy photos.

6 Things That Will Always Win Your Heart:
Self confidence, not arrogance.
The ability to make me giggle, not just laugh.
Warm, soft, gentle cuddles.
Feeding on my corny and romantic weakness.
Intelligence, don't be a "know-it-all".
Honesty and trust (the two go together).

5 Favourites - Movie, Song, Book, Food, Season:
The Shawshank Redemption.
Save Yourself - Sense Field.
American Psycho.

4 Smells You Enjoy:
The way Michael smells when we're close.
Any good food cooking.
Sea breeze.
The smell that reminds you of home.

3 Places You Want To Go:
All over Japan.
All over Fiji.
All over Canada.

2 Favourite Holidays:
Mt Barker for Christmas.
I'm yet to have another holiday I can call a favourite.

1 Person You'd Marry On The Spot:
Johnny Depp.