they say you don't know what you got 'til it's gone / / they say that your darkest hour comes before your dawn

Saturday, April 24, 2010


Something inside of me isn't sitting right. Something inside of me is dissatisfied and confused. I finally have what I want. One of the biggest problems I have is, well, gone. Sort of. For the time being, until something else changes, it's gone.

And I should be happy with that. I should be, but I'm not. Something inside of me doesn't want to accept that what's happened is good enough. I don't think anything will ever be good enough to satisfy my inner self. I don't even know why. Are my expectations of people and on life too extreme ? Do I want more than I can get ? Am I being realistic ?
I have no idea. Really.

To please me, after everything I've had to put up with, would take a lot. My problem wouldn't just have to disappear from my life alone, but the lives of everyone around me. To be 100% satisfied, I'd need that problem removed from all future possibilities. To know that it's completely, utterly, indefinitely gone for good. Then I'd be happy.

Surely it's possible. I mean, it could happen. It probably won't, but there's always a slim chance it might. And as long as there's that tiny shred of hope that it'll go away forever, I'm going to keep on waiting. It might take longer than I would like, and a lot more effort than I planned on, but I'm a patient person, and I can wait. After all, I'd rather it take care of itself instead of getting my hands dirty. The problem disappears forever more, and I remain the good guy in all of this.

Win - Win situation if you ask me. And that's the way it should always be.

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