they say you don't know what you got 'til it's gone / / they say that your darkest hour comes before your dawn

Monday, May 31, 2010

Yellow Brick Road;

I wish life had a yellow brick road. That way I could find a new brain, filled with happy memories; a new heart, that was never broken; and courage, to change things I know need changing.


If life is a journey, then I'm lost.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Be Bold;

You are female
You are in high school
You dropped out of high school 

You graduated within the last 5 years
You live on your own 
You live within 20 minutes of your best friend
You live within 20 minutes of the last person you kissed 
You live within 20 minutes of your ex
You have hugged someone in the last 48 hours
You have been to the movies within the last week
You have had 3 or more boyfriends/girlfriends just this year 

You have been a designated driver
You have broken merchandise and not paid for it 

You have played strip poker
You are Catholic 
You are atheistYou recycle regularly
You are a brunetteYou have dated a blonde 

You are friends with a redhead
You are taller than your mom
You have a checking account
You’ve written a check for less than $5
You have visited the Statue of Liberty
You have visited the Eiffel Tower
You have visited Big Ben
You have visited the Colosseum
You have visited The Great Wall of China

You have never been out of the country
You have been a waiter/waitress
You own a Bible
You own something with a Pentagram on it 

You have used a Ouija Board
You have been a witch for Halloween
You have been a zombie for Halloween
You have been a Disney character for Halloween
You don't celebrate Halloween
You have your belly button pierced
You have your tongue pierced
You have your eyebrow pierced
You have a Monroe piercing 

You have your nose pierced
You have an ankle tattoo
You have a wrist tattoo
You have a back tattoo
You have no tattoos
You have more than 5 tattoos 

You straighten your hair
You have worn a dress in the last 3 days
You live somewhere that gets snow
You were at your own house last New Years 

You were at a bar last New Years
You slept through last New Years
You have worked on Christmas Eve
You have worked on Christmas 

You have been told I love you by someone today
You were told by someone who's not family
You slept in your own bed last night

You are dating the last person you kissed
You regret kissing the last person you kissed 
You enjoyed your last kiss
You are wearing a necklace right now
You are wearing something red 

You are wearing something blue
You are wearing something purple
Your phone is fully charged
Your phone number ends with an even number
You have kissed the last person you called/texted 

You last called/texted a boy
You are currently listening to music

You are waiting for something
You don't like seafood
You have eaten deer sausage 

You have given a complete stranger your phone number
You have been hit on at work
You have been hit on by someone more than 20 years older than you
You have been whistled at
You were creeped out by it
You are a good speller

You are very punctual 
You were dating someone in December of 2008
You are still dating that person 

You have cheated on someone
You have been cheated on
You have been on a cruise ship 

You have camped out in your own backyard
You are wearing something that doesn't belong to you
You are a Pisces
You are a Leo
You are a Capricorn
You have Irish heritage
You have Polish heritage
You have Japanese heritage
You have Israeli heritage
You have German heritage
You have Portuguese heritage:
You have French heritage
You have Norweigan heritage:
You have Korean heritage
You were born in May 

You were born in June
You were born in October
You wonder what will happen when you die
You are afraid of the dark
You write in all capital letters 

You have been told you have nice handwriting
You have had a song written for you        (I WISH !)

You have had a picture drawn of you
You have curly hair

Your phone provider is Optus/3G
Your phone provider is Virgin
Your phone provider is Vodafone
Your phone provider is Telstra
You live within an hour of your birthplace
You are wearing a watch
You are wearing flip flops
You wouldn't date someone who smoked 

You know someone with the same birthday as you
You are a morning person 

You are a night owl
You slept in past 10am today
You have big plans for next weekend
You are thinking of someone right now
Your job is stressing you out
You don't have a job
You have never had a job
You were fired from your last job
You know sign language
You made your bed today 

You will usually try something at least once
You have been swimming in the last month
You are pessimistic by nature
You have taken a ballet class 

You have taken karate
You have taken gymnastics
You wish on shooting stars 

You wish at 11:11
Your birthday has already come this year 

You have been in a relationship that lasted longer than a year
You ended your last relationship
You have been in a physically abusive relationship
You are engaged
You are married
You are divorced
You have a child
You were/are a teenage mom
You were named after someone 

You like your name
Your last drink was water

You have visited somewhere said to be haunted 
You have skipped school just because you didn't feel like going
You have taken medicine when you feel a headache coming on

You are self-conscious about your body
You have a hangover
You have pet fish
You live on a farm
You live in a trailer
You live in Montana
You live in South Carolina
You live in Illinois
You live in Maryland
You live in New Mexico 

You have godparents
Your parents are still married
You have step-siblings 

You are the oldest
You are adopted
You have a twin
You don't want kids
You want more than three kids
You have a bad temper
You have made out with a complete stranger 

You usually make the first move in an intimate situation
You have broken your arm
You have had to get stitches on your face
You have had an MRI 

Your fingernails are painted
Your fingernails are painted black 
You like to read
You like to cook
You like to draw
You can play an instrument
You keep a lot of secrets from people
You don't think people would accept you if they really got to know you

You don't trust people easily
You borrowed something you really need to give back to someone 
You drive a car older than a 2002
You have lost a friend you never thought you would
You know a child who died of cancer
You know a teenager who died in a car wreck
You have done something illegal in the past 24 hours
You have cut your hair in the last week 

You wear glasses
You have been pulled over for speeding 
You love to drive with the windows down
Your favorite season is Autumn
Your favorite color is orange
Your favorite animal is a dolphin
You last rode in a car with a relative
You last rode in a car with a girl 

You last rode in a car with the person you are dating
You regularly watch soap operas 
You love Italian food
You love Mexican food

You love Chinese food
You can see a box of tissues from where you are

You can see your reflection in a mirror
You can see what's on tv from where you are Your best friend is older than you
You have to go to school/work tomorrow 

You answered every question truthfully

Sunday, May 23, 2010

What is...

I might not know how to describe it.
I don't think there are enough words in the English language to justify Love.
All I know is that I feel it.
I know how it feels to love someone.
I know how it feels to be loved.
I know how it feels to lose love.
I know Love when I feel it.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Blergh;

LAYER 1: THE BEGINNING.
Name: 
Bianca Rose Addams 
Birth Date: 
23/06/1988 
Current Location: 
Adelaide, city of churches. 
Hair Color: 
Faded, meant to be purple but turned out redish, sorta colour. 
Righty/Lefty: 
Righty maite.


LAYER 2: ON THE INSIDE. 

Your fear: 
To be perfectly honest, I'm afraid of being completely, utterly alone. 
Your dream of the perfect date: 
I'd really like it if a boy took me somewhere with a nice view. That's all.


LAYER 3: YESTERDAY, TODAY, TOMORROW. 

Your thoughts first waking up:  
Need. More. Sleep. 
Your best physical feature: 
I don't know. I get compliments on my hair, so that. 
Your bed time: 
Nothing past 10.00pm on a weeknight. Work at 8am is shit. 
Your most missed memory: 
I think it would have to be the days were I didn't care about money or bills, or anything except being happy.


LAYER 4: YOUR PICK. 

Pepsi or Coke: 
Coca-Cola. 
McDonald's or Burger King: 
Maccas. 
Single or Group Dates: 
Single (: 
Adidas or Nike: 
Either or. But shoes only. And Adidas hoodies, please. 
Cappuccino or Coffee: 
Green tea.


LAYER 5: DO YOU. 

Smoke: 
Not for me. 
Cuss: 
Adurh. 
Take showers: 
Clearly had one of the best tonight. 
Have a crush: 
It's more of a love sorta thing. 
Like school: 
I miss the social aspect of it. Nothing else. 
Believe in yourself: 
I know what I'm capable of. 
Believe what goes around comes around: 
My life wouldn't be like this if that were true. 
Believe everything happens for a reason: 
Spontaneous combustion would not exist if everything happened for a reason. 
Think you're a health freak: 
Goodness, no.


LAYER 6: IN THE PAST MONTH. 

Gone to the mall: 
Every week :/
Been on stage: 
I'd rather write the performance than perform it myself. 
Eaten sushi: 
More than likely. 
Been hurt: 
Emotionally and physically. 
Dyed your hair: 
Nope. Once every three months if I can be bothered.


LAYER 7: HAVE YOU EVER. 

Played a stripping game: 
Well, yes. I was young once. 
Kissed the same sex: 
Sure, why not. 
Gotten beaten up: 
My father was not the greatest man. 
Changed who you were to fit in: 
Never have, never will.


LAYER 8: GETTING OLD. 

Age you're hoping to be married by: 
I guess mid 20's. 
Number of kids you're planning on having: 
Two. Maybe three if I feel like it.


LAYER 9: IN A GIRL/GUY. 

Best eye color: 
Blue is by far the best. But brown is warrrrm. 
hair color: 
Darrrk. No black. 
short or long hair: 
Medium. I like to play with hair. 
Fat or fit: 
Comfortable and healthy. 
Looks or personality: 
You need both.
Fun or serious: 
FUNFUNFUN. I'm too serious for my own good.


LAYER 10: WHAT WERE YOU DOING. 

1 MINUTE AGO: 
answering the above question. 
1 HOUR AGO: 
Still here, on eBay. 
1 WEEK AGO: 
I would have been in the lounge, being sick. 
1 YEAR AGO: 
I don't even know.


LAYER 11: FINISH THE SENTENCE. 

I FEEL: 
Like you don't trust me.
I HATE: 
A few things. 
I HIDE: 
Anxiety, stress and depression. 
I NEED: 
A holiday. 
I LOVE: 
The ones who matter most to be.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Age Old Question;

Can ex's just be friends ?

I don't think it's as simple as yes or no. It's more complex than that. It's a matter of personal choice and self control. And even then, sometimes that's not enough to keep it "just friends." I guess for me, it's best if I don't bother. Someone always gets angry, things get heated and we end up never talking again. Super.

The thing that's hardest, for anyone, is going back to the way things were before one fell in love with the other. What makes matters worse, is when one is still in love while the other is not. It's not as straight forward as pretending nothing ever happened. Or is it ? I think there is a way, if you're willing to try your hardest.

If the conditions on being "just friends" are based on going back to the way things were before, then something drastic must happen. For things to truly go back to the way they were before, you have to start over again. From scratch. Forget you were ever together in the first place, forget the memories of being together, forget that you know them anymore than a stranger. Introduce yourself and build a new friendship. You can't go forward holding onto the past.

How else are you meant to be friends with someone after a relationship ? Pretending it's all okay when it's not ? Real life situations do not go away by ignoring them. You can't ignore jealousy, grudges or lies. It's impossible for a couple to revert back to being friends without severing all relationship ties. You must realise that you cannot say, act or feel the same way as you did before. If you do, then you're just as you were in your relationship. That's not friendship.

If you bring up an old memory, where something happened to both of you, a peculiar thing happens. Those emotions attached to those memories make themselves noted. You feel what you felt back then. That's why memories are the way they are. And then what do you do ? You feel worthless and numb. Because you don't have that anymore. Because it's over. Because now you're just friends. A vicious cycle begins of self loathing and lack of confidence. You start distancing yourself and soon enough realise that you "can't do this because it's too hard." Then any hope of friendship is lost, you don't talk or see each other, and you secretly begin to hate them.

Make it easy on yourself. If you know you can't let go of the past, then don't bother having a future involving them. Don't do the, "I can't live without you, I need you in my life somehow," bullshit. It's pointless. It's not going to make someone fall in love with you again. It's not going to make things okay between the two of you. If anything, it'll make things worse. The moment they let you down and things get tough, you're going to blame them and wish you never tried being friends. And what are you going to do if they start seeing someone new ? Swallow your pride and suck it up ? Bullshit. You feel like crap and that you never meant anything to them. You feel like you weren't good enough for them.

Jealousy sets in. Now you're doomed. An ex does not get jealous the same way a friend does. A friend does not think the other person is any more or less attractive than themselves. A friend does not think the other person is a whore, tramp, or slut compared to themselves. A friend does not instantly dislike the other person just because they're now involved with your new "friend" and you're not. A friend understands the situation and deals with it. If it pisses them off, a friend will talk about it, not assume everything. An ex does all of the above. Why ? Emotional attachments.

You can't expect to keep all the benefits of a relationship without the relationship itself. Set yourself against all the other failures. Start over fresh. Get to know each other again. Create new memories, as friends. Enjoy the simplicity of friendship. Accept that you're no longer the most important person in their world. Accept that you're now on the same level as everyone else.

"There is an important difference between love and friendship. While the former delights in extremes and opposites, the latter demands equality."

Monday, May 10, 2010

Wishful;


I wish for whatever my heart desires...

Same wish, every time. There's nothing else I can wish for. What I want most in life, I already have. Except one thing, but there's no point in wishing on that. No matter how hard I wish, it won't come true. It's impossible. You can't bring back the dead.

My heart knows what I want most, even if I don't. My head is rational and logical; it blocks me from my happiness. My heart knows what I can handle and what's too much for me. It knows breaking point and what's worth the ache. My head, on the other hand, is afraid of hurt. It doesn't want to mess things up, doesn't want stress and beats down on my confidence every chance it gets. My head constantly reminds me why I shouldn't take chances. If it wasn't for my damn head getting in the way, I'd still have the one thing I wish for.

Truly, the only two things I really want in life are simple, yet so difficult to maintain - Happiness and Love. I've had both, at the same time, and was content with everything in my life. Then I fell out of love but remained happy. Then I lost my happiness. It's only those moments in life where I think about escaping for a while. Then I sit back and remember why I stay. I have everything I need right here - All the Love and Happiness I could want.

My family. My boyfriend. My best friends. My kitten.
I don't need anything more than them to get me through. Sure, my head's told me a few times to cut them out for various reasons, but my heart told me to keep them. So I did. I'm glad I did. Goodness knows I can't survive without their support. Even though I yell, disappoint and hurt them sometimes, they still love me, they still make me happy. They bring me the things I want most in life. I don't have to wish for anything more than that. Except, maybe, wishing that I can keep them forever...

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Formspring;

Hit me up all the things you can think of. Some people send abuse, others send compliments. Give me your best shot.