they say you don't know what you got 'til it's gone / / they say that your darkest hour comes before your dawn

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Idiot;

Lately, I've been having a hard time dealing with my stupidity. And it's not like I've done or said silly things on purpose. I'm talking about making big mistakes without noticing. I can't spell anymore. My grammar is slipping. My maths has dropped beyond belief. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't focus on anything. I feel like I'm losing my intelligence. My brain is shutting down on me. I'm becoming stupid. Where has all my intelligence gone ?
I feel like crying.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Day 23 - The last person you kissed;

Ichigo.

Say hello to my little kitteh, Ichigo. He's my baby, and I love him dearly. I gave him Eskimo kisses tonight, like I do every night. I adopted him from the RSPCA when he was 16 weeks old and now he's almost a year old. He's a bit silly and loves to do crazy cat things. He'll do a back flip for no reason, hit himself in the head with his stratchy post, and drink from the toilet bowl. Actually, I think that last one's a dog thing. Oh well (: He cuddles with me all the time and purs in my ear when he's happy. I couldn't imagine what I'd do if I lost him. Hearing his little bell ting-ting makes me all warm and fuzzy on the inside. He's the best Christmas present I've ever bought myself.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Day 22 - Someone you want to give a second chance to;


Faith.

I don't believe in any religion, whatsoever. I gave up having faith a long time ago. I've been through the whole Christian deal - baptism, first reconciliation, holy communion, confirmation. I even wore a cross around my neck, on a chain my great grandmother gave me. I was going to have a cross tattooed on my back as a show of faith. I went to church because school made us, but I secretly prayed when no one was looking. I believed in something I could not see, feel, smell, hear or taste. Something beyond all my senses. Then, one day, I lost faith in religion. Something so dramatic happened and I couldn't understand why God, of all people, would do such a thing to me. I stopped believing in God and resented Him.
I thought about becoming a Buddhist in an attempt to find peace within myself and the world I live in. I put my faith in karma - what goes around, comes around. Then I realised something important about other people who believed in karma. They all think it's about revenge and negativity. But it's not. Karma is about balance. It rewards the good and punishes the bad. I couldn't believe in something everyone thought was so one-sided and negative. I gave up on that too.
"No fate but what we create"
 That's what I have tattooed on my left hip. I don't feel like I need religion to help me through life. I don't need it to make decisions for me, or tell me how to live my life. I believe in the power of people, the human spirit. I believe that we make our lives into what we want them to be. Life shouldn't be left up to some "divine power." You can't sit around waiting for things to happen because it's fate. You make your own fate. It's just sometimes, I wish I had faith so I knew why things beyond my control happen. Why things have to go wrong all at once, just as everything is suddenly getting better. Why the homeless and unemployed aren't given fair rights. Why are we here ?

"Happiness is the meaning and the purpose of life, the whole aim and end of human existence."
~ Aristotle.

That's why. Happiness. 
I don't need faith.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Day 21 - Someonne you judged by their first impression;

John Sara. 


Before I met you, I had heard many things about you, both good and bad. I had two people, one defending you, and the other attacking you, in my face telling me if I should meet you or not. On one hand, I was told you are ridiculously funny. On the other, I was told you're annoying. I chose to go with the ridiculously funny part because, hey, it couldn't hurt to find out for myself. You were hilarious and made me laugh. I had no idea who you were but that didn't matter. You were nice to me, even though you didn't know who I was. It was the beginning of a brilliant friendship.
I am ever so glad I did meet you. You're one of the funniest people I know and you're always positive in everything you do. You make me giggle when I'm sad, well actually, it's like all the time. We used to spend so much time together and I miss our hang times. We have lots in common and never run out of things to talk about. Even really stupid and meaningless crap. The only reason why I still bother to show up to Marion on Thursdays is to see you (and Kellie ;) ). Seriously, I don't know how I would have got through all the crap from the past if I didn't have you to support me and be there for me. Even when I was a shit person, you still remained friends with me. I wish we spent more time together like we used to. I miss you, John.


P.S: John says Hi (:

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Day 20 - The one that makes your heart beat the hardest.;

My boyfriend.


I really don't need to explain this one. We had a bit of a fight the other night. I say "a bit" because we were both angry but not at each other. At the same person oddly enough. I hate when we get angry at each other, or even around each other. We usually reflect each other's moods, so when I'm happy, he's happy; when I'm sad, he's sad; when I'm angry, he's angry; vica versa and so forth. But tonight, we reached a point in our relationship we hadn't previously. I think we're finally 100% okay. I mean, yes, we were excellent and happy, but there was always trouble when a particular other got involved. Another who should have never got involved in the first place. But that doesn't matter anymore. Nothing negative matters anymore. Everything is positive. He's positive. I'm positive. Our relationship is positive. It's such a relief to know I can put my everything into this relationship without the fear of someone else ruining it for me. It's taken me a lot of emotional growth and trust for me to reach this point. I don't think I've ever been this way in a relationship before. I was in a three year long relationship, and it was nothing close to this. This brings me indescribable happiness. But I think I might just have the best idea to show him how happy he makes me. It's a secret ;)

Monday, July 12, 2010

Day 19 - Someone that pesters your mind - good or bad;

Dear Annoying Woman at Work.

You sit near me at work, so I can hear your voice all the time. You constantly talk when you should be working, like the rest of us. I can tell you now, no one is interested in your marital status, financial problems, or the fact that you didn't get the internal position you applied for. No one cares about anything you speak of. We're there to work and go home, not to hear about your life story. Save it for a rainy day.
You didn't get that position because, while you may have been qualified, there were other people who were better suited to the position than you. You are not over qualified or they would have hired you instead of someone else. You're not even over qualified for your current position. Just because they've kept you in the same position for years does not mean you're actually fantastic at it. It just means it's easier to keep you than find someone else and train them up. That's why they don't often hire at our work, did you ever think of that ? Silly woman ! I know you're not that great at your job because even I have to come back and tell you how to do your job properly. That doesn't look good on your behalf. How about instead of talking your day away, you actually did your job and did it correctly.
Just do my a favour in general ? Shut up.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Day 18 - The person you wish you could be.

Dear Future Me.

First and foremost, stop being slack. Look at yourself. You have to write THREE posts in the one night because you didn't do them when you were supposed to ! Silly girl. And for goodness sake, clean your room once in a while. That mess gets beyond ridiculous and you always lose stuff. Knock it off. Be more punctual. It's not that hard to show up to places on time for once. Be more careful with your money too. You spend it way too carelessly and wonder why you have no savings. Give up on the gossip thing. It's pathetic and low. You have better things to do with yourself than worry about other people's lives. Take a chance every now and again. Live a little more often, and love with your whole heart. No matter what goes on in life, you'll get hurt. But it's your choice to wallow over it or move on with things. Move on with things ! I know you don't take anything for granted as is, but please make sure you keep that going. It's terribly awful to see people waste away what they have because they don't realise it until it's gone. Don't ever turn into one of them. Let people love you. I know you're afraid of letting them down or hurting them, but people want to care for you because they love you just as you love them. Make the most of it.
Oh, and do me a massive favour please ? Go back to being fearless and courageous. I liked you far better when you had a spine.

From
Your old self.


On a side note: I was going to write three posts tonight to make up for the fact that my social life on weekends leaves no time for myself, but I've decided otherwise. I'm going to sleep instead, in my nicely clean room, with my cuddle toy, and dream of happy things. I wish I could sleep next to my boyfriend, but alas, having jobs prevents such happiness. Then again, the excitement I feel when the weekends begin is unbelievable. I love the way he excites me (:
Goodnight.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Day 17 - Someone from your childhood.

Mr Quakers.

When I was young, I had a stuffed toy duck that was given to me as a present. He was dressed up as a farmer, with a hat, denim overalls and a plaid shirt. When you tapped on the button on the top of his farmers hat, he'd quack. If you pressed the button on his right hand (yes, I remember which hand) he would sing a song with his quacks. It took me a while, but I realised if you pressed the hat button at steady pace, you could play the song in individual quacks. Sometimes I played the song really fast, sometimes I did it rather slow. Just depended on my mood for the day. I took Mr Quakers with me everywhere. He was soft, sung to me and had these big plastic eyes that beamed happiness at me. I guess that's how I learnt what happiness looked like. When you're happy, you smile with your eyes. He showed me that. I cuddled him tightly whenever I was afraid of something, and I slept with him under my arm every night. He had a little zip up pocket on the back where the batteries went. I kept my favourite photo in there for when I got sad and lonely. It was of my mother, brother and I with our two puppies. My mother never knew I kept that photo with me 24/7. I guess I should have told her I loved her more often. Eventually I grew up but I never threw him out. I just couldn't. Then Francesca was born, and I felt like I wanted her to have him. To share the same happy memories with him as I did. I don't know if she likes him or prefers her Barbie dolls. Either way, I just wanted to share his love around. I wish I still had him. I miss Mr Quakers.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Day 16 - Someone that's not in your state/country.

Extended family.

My uncle, my aunt and five cousins (Shaun - almost 21, Jamie - 18, Logan- 15ish, Francesca - 5, and Olivia - 4) live in Melbourne. They used to live in Adelaide a few years ago, but a career decision led my uncle to move his family there. They're happy in Melbourne, and I'm happy for them. I still miss them though. I used to live with them for a few months, and those months were pretty damn good. Christmas last year was so good. I flew over to Melbourne to spend a few days there. I love quality family time. I don't get to see my baby cousins grow up anymore, so time spent in Melbourne is time well spent. And recently, things have become even more exciting. Let me introduce you to my cousin Jamie's daughter.
Annabell Rose.
For a long time in my family, before my uncle got married, it was just my brother and I. We had no other cousins or second cousins or anything of the sort. Then my uncle got married, had kids and now there's Annabell. My cousin my only be 18, but she's going to be the best mum in the world. If you saw her with her baby sisters, you'd understand. I'm super duper excited to visit and meet little Annabell.
I miss my family.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Day 15 - The person you miss the most.

My old self.

I used to be courageous. I used to have a spine. I used to be passionate about what I believed in. I used to have faith. I used to be strong. I used to be stable in all sense of the word. I used to be determined and motivated.
But I'm not like that anymore.
I've grown weak, and old, and tiresome. I've realised the world will beat down on you no matter how strong and willful you are. I've learnt the hard way of what happens when you're impulsive and give no thought to your actions. I let a single boy walk all over me and turn my into a doormat. I became everything I always said I wouldn't. I hated myself.
These days I'm a different person.
I'm peaceful and happy. I'm determined to remain that way. I'm glad with the life choices I've made. My life is heading somewhere unknown and for the first time in my life, I'm excited. I'm positive and trusting of others. I'm willing to take risks and get hurt. I haven't at all lost my spine, I'm just to apathetic . I don't let things bother me. I still miss the old me sometimes. The fierce spirit, the aim to please only those I care about, the desire to do nothing but lay around being happy.
The new me is happier though, and that's all that matters.
Walking contradiction in a nutshell.

Monday, July 5, 2010

Day 14 - Someone you've drifted away from.

There are so many people.

Firstly, there are my girls. Celeste, Rae, Hanski, Rachie, Anna and Michaela. I miss our drunk girl nights and endless conversations about how boys suck. I miss swimming in Michaela's pool, and hanging out in Plaster House waiting for our hangovers to go away. We had so many inside jokes that we never stopped giggling when near each other. I think I spent more time with you girls than anyone else for about 6 months. They were good times, and I wish we had them more often.

Secondly, to my SMC girls. Gosh, I miss you more than anything. I miss recess and lunch in the corridor and wagging lessons to get Hungry Jack's. I miss hacking school internet for MySpace and msn. I miss bludging study lessons to eat and be lazy in the common room. I miss writing letters on sticky notes and putting them under our desks for others to find. I miss taking stupid photos on camp and year 12 retreat. I miss shopping and movies on the weekend. Plus dinner for our birthdays. I miss seeing you girls every day for 7 years. Basically, I just miss all of you.



On a lighter note of things. Here are some cute and funny photos I found on one of my favourite websites. My blog has been rather dark and angry lately. I'm changing that with positive thinking.








P.S: While you're at it, why not drop by my formspring and say something nice.
n___________n


Sunday, July 4, 2010

Day 13 - Someone you wish could forgive you.

To The One That Got Away.


I know I'll spend the rest of my life thinking about the tragic mistake I made. Nothing I do now or in the future will change what happened. I can only say one thing - I am forever sorry. I wish I could have said those all meaning three words before you left, but I just couldn't. From the last day that I saw you, until my last breath, I promise that I will never let another person influence my decisions. When it's late at night and I'm all alone, I still cry thinking about you. I miss you every day. That'll never change.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Day 12 - The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain.

Father.

You were meant to protect me. Shelter me. Care for me. Love me.
You failed.

















A few extra thoughts.
On a side note: I'd just like blog down some rather pressing thoughts on my brain. My inability to sleep is becoming somewhat insane - borderline insomniac even. 


To you. You know exactly what the hell you're doing. You and I both know you're trying to be me. Better me even. You're making this into some stupid competition and I don't understand why. You can't possibly beat me. I have what you want. You can't take it from me no matter what you do. I'm living the life you dream about. Nothing you do will change the way things are, and will continue to be. Little do you know I'm on to you. I've laid out a plan, and you're going to fall right into it like the pathetic and predictable person you are. When I catch you red-handed, you're going to wish you gave up like you should have. The thing I wish you would realise is this; When the time came down to make a choice, I came out as the better and happier option. Not you. But me. Even when you had the chance to get it all back without a fight, you still came out as the loser. I didn't have to fight for anything I have. You did. Just maybe, think about one thing - If I won without even trying, think about how things will turn out if I have to put effort in. Knock it off or I swear to goodness I will crush you.


Also, to another you. Don't underestimate me. You're a fool if you think you know me well enough. I'll eventually break this, and you won't notice until it's too late. You think you have the upper hand, but you don't. I'll show you how far I'll go to get what I want. Break promises will you ? Very well. Suffer the consequences.


And yes, I'm angry right now. I secretly have been for a while. I don't appreciate the dishonesty that's going around when I'm nothing but honest. Two can play at this game, and unfortunately for you, I'm the best there is. I'd wish you good luck, but all the luck in the world won't be enough to save you. Not this time.


Thinking about my pathetic excuse of a father makes me rather angry. It brings back memories I'd rather forget.
/End.

Day 10 - Someone you don't talk to as much as you'd like to + Day 11 - A deceased person you wish you could talk to.

Maddy Grace Smith.

We used to talk every day. From the moment I got online, until the moment the sun rose, we spoke about anything and everything. Nothing was sacred between us and I shared some of my biggest secrets with you. I still trust you with everything I have, and I hope that you trust me too. I miss our endless talks. Things got rather difficult when you moved to Ireland because we were in different time zones. Since then, we've kind of drifted apart. I miss our talks, the way we shared everything, and how we trusted each other. We should talk more often. End of story (:




Deceased Person.

I miss you. Every day. There's not a day that passes where I don't think of you.