they say you don't know what you got 'til it's gone / / they say that your darkest hour comes before your dawn

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

11:11

I wish I knew how to fix this.
I wish I knew what I wanted.
I wish I knew how I felt.

Right now, I am so lost within my thoughts. I have no idea what's going on anymore.

Can't Be Saved;

 Follow your bliss
It reads on my chest
I know I got it tattooed for a reason
Why can't I just hold it true?

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

---;

Ohyeah, that's cool. Just go behind my back like it means nothing. 
It's not like I trust you to be honest with me or anything.

Lying son of a bitch.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Waaaah D;

I was offered my job back for two more weeks. Only because they're getting rid of another temp in my place. I'll probably be let off after those two weeks in her place.

Trouble is - do I still want it ?

I don't know if I could last two weeks knowing it's not going to get me anywhere. Seems rather pointless.

Stupid idiot. I knew making a 5 year plan was a ridiculous idea. Never doing that again. I liked my life a lot better when I lived day by day, instead of stuffing my head full of stupid ideas like long term plans.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Merrrr;

So last night was my ex-boyfriend's birthday party. The Tristmas 'Bankin' Gold Rush Carousal to be exact. Every year he has a new theme for his birthday, much like I do. I couldn't be bothered dressing up and whatnot, so I went in a flanny and ripped jeans. It's surprising how a bottle of red wine can change a night in less than a few hours.

This is how I started the night. Wearing my best friend's straw hat, pulling a stupid face, etc.. That odd glow on the right is from the fire.






This is how I finished my night. Passed out in my boyfriend's car, with the seatbelt holding my head up. At least I had enough energy to pull a pose for the photo.
















I can't stress enough that going for a drive to get more wine [after I downed the last half of the bottle in mere minutes] was a bad idea. I came back disorientated and completely off my face. I can't remember half the conversations I had, and only flickers of moments from the night exist in my mind. Good thing I managed to take a decent amount of photos before I ended up passed out in the car.

 The lesson I learned last night is this:
Getting drunk at my ex-boyfriend's party, throwing up in his front garden, then passing out on his lawn was not the best idea I've ever had.
He's probably glad that we don't date anymore, haha.








And yes, I'm well aware how hypocritical it is that I was at my ex-boyfriend's party after all the things I've said about exs not being friends. But if you read further back in my blog, I also said that it's possible to have a friendship with an ex if you start over again. That's what we did, and it works.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Decisions, Decisions;

For the past four years, I've gone shopping every Thursday. While I'm busy at work, I write down a list of things I need as they come to me during the day. I get everything I need for that weekend and the rest of the week until the next Thursday. Usually I write boring things like this:
- new ballet flats.
- new jeans.
- more tea.
- bobbin pins.
- kitten food.
You get the picture.

Today was a first.
- new job.

As of Wednesday next week, I won't have a job. Kind of sucks butt, but it's almost something that I've needed. For a while I've had some serious trouble with my depression, mostly crying myself to sleep at night for no apparent reason. Maybe this break, this change forced upon me, is what I need. I've been waiting this whole time for an opportunity to do something I've really wanted to do, and now it seems I've been given what I wanted. Now I just have to figure out what to do with myself.
Maybe I want to go back and study. Maybe I want to do some soul searching.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Hate Crush;

Urban Dictionary defines a hate crush as someone so irritating that they are constantly on your mind in the way that a crush would be. They might even turn up in the odd fantasy.
"Sarah Jessica Parker bugs me so much it's almost hot -- she might be my hate crush."

Yeah, I'm pretty sure I have a few of those. Not to the extent of the League of Evil Exes, they're just a few old friends who have changed over the years. I got a few people I love to hate. Just sayin'.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Thank you;

Sometimes I question how thankful people really are for the lives they have. Seriously. Some people take what they have for granted. I guess it's because we grow up not knowing any different. I wonder how much of a change it would create if people grew up knowing that the world isn't the same all over.

What if you grew up knowing that children, just like you, have no food or water ? Or even parents ? Would that make you realise how wonderful your life is ? Would you be more caring, more giving, more conscious that you're lucky to have what you do ?

I know how lucky I am. I've lost everything before. I had no home, no money, no clothes, barely a family to lean on, no friends - quite literally nothing. That part of my life existed when my mother, brother and I ran away to Melbourne during my parents' divorce. I guess that showed me what life can be like for some. I was only 9 years old at the time, and I learnt what rock bottom felt like.

That's why I'm so incredibly thankful for everything I have. I have a house, a job and money, I have a lovely boyfriend and amazing best friends, I have a family I can rely on, I have clothes, I have food and water. I have everything some people live without. I have things that some will never, ever, get.

And that's why I sponsor a child, plus his family and village. A little 5 year old boy from Egypt. A place that holds one of the 8 Wonders of the World. I've always had this secret soft spot for Egypt. More so the pyramids and the history. So it was only natural that I would pick that place when I was approached by Plan International to sponsor a child.

I'm well aware that people go hungry, cold, and dehydrated. I'm well aware of the devastation that plagues this world. I know I can't change it all, but I can make a difference to one little person. That's all that matters, really. I once wrote on my bucket list that I want to make a difference in someone's life. I think I have. And that little boy will be thankful for everything he has, even if it's only a little bit.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Summer Fling;

So a recent ex of my friend's, and unfortunately mine too [don't ask, I was a bad person in the past], suddenly popped out of nowhere. The last time he and I spoke, he said, "I hope you die." Lovely chap, really. Then, after over a year of complete silence, he wrote on my Formspring. And he didn't just write any old boring thing. He wrote song lyrics. In specific, a particular couple of lines to a song he once said reminded him of me. You can imagine, after what he last said to me, that I was rather surprised.

"It's watching flicks with my chick, making love on the sofa."
Don't worry, I hate myself for associating my past with being a hussy. Wicked. Like I said, I was a bad person.

That got me thinking. Why do exs have to cross the line like that ? I mean, really, come on now. You told me to go die, and then open with a line like that. What are you trying to prove ? I've moved on with my life, and so have you, so why ?! How nice of you to share that you still think of me when you hear that song. I most certainly do not have the same reaction to it.

Now he's not as bad as some other exs I know of, but still. I'm sure you have other things to do than be nostalgic. But there are some exs out there that seriously do not understand boundaries. Those disrespectful, manipulating, obsessive exs.

They really don't care about whether you're truly happy or not. They only care about whether you're happy with them or not. Making you upset so it looks like you're unhappy without them does not mean you're actually happy with them. Manipulating the situation for their own selfish gain just goes to show how shallow and egotistical they really are. If they really love you and want you to be happy, right down from the bottom of their heart, they will back off and let you be.
It's that simple.

I seriously do not understand how some exs can be like that. I just don't get it.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

What part of...

"PROMISE"
do you not actually understand ?
Do not talk to me.
Just. No.
 

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Emotions & Chemical Reactions;

I'm sick of hearing people say that love isn't real, that it's a chemical reaction in our brain. "It's just a word and it's lost all meaning." I think you're totally wrong about love. Sure, if you've been burned before, your concept of love becomes a little askew, but that doesn't mean it isn't real. How bitter and shallow.

Yes, you're right in saying it's a chemical reaction, but so is every other goshdamn emotion you feel. "It's all in your brain." Love, happiness, anger, jealousy, surprise... You can't possibly tell me that none of those emotions are real because they're "just chemical reactions." I refuse to accept that. Don't you feel anything real ?

If you want to get fussy about it; war and peace would mean nothing. Just words. Meaningless words. What kind of a world do meaningless words create ? The one we're living in. I hate to think meaningless words have such an impact on our world. I'd like to think that words do have meaning, because we feel them deep down inside of us.

It's not just about chemical reactions in our brains. It's about being human. We're allowed to feel pain, happiness, illness, and love. We're created to do so, and I don't think it's human nature to pretend feelings don't exist.


'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
~ Lord Alfred Tennyson

Monday, September 13, 2010

GUESS WHAT ?

YOU'RE WRONG - I'M NOT SORRY.

This ends now.
I'm happy and nothing you say or do can change that. I'm taking back control and you can't stop me. All that matters is my happiness, and I'd be sooner damned to hell before I let someone like you ruin it for me. I do have to thank you though. If it wasn't for your meddling ways, I would have never become this strong. I'm not afraid of you. If anything, you gave me more reason to better myself.
Say goodbye, your time is up.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Human Nature;

I am stubborn.
I burp really, really loudly after eating.
I'm messy and lazy.
I'm always late and never ready on time.
I gossip like every girl does.
I confuse myself when I talk.
I'm emotional and hard to handle.
I eat fatty foods and sit on my butt playing games all night.
I'm insecure.
I lack self confidence.
I'll admit it, sometimes I get jealous.
I'm occasionally rude.
I get grumpy when I'm hungry.
I get needy sometimes.
I turns things into competitions even when they're not.
I can be selfish.
I dislike it when things don't go my way.
I worry about things that don't mean anything.
I cry for no reason.
I'll let you walk all over me.
I can get possessive.
I make mistakes.
I will fight with you if I'm angry.

Despite all of those bad qualities, there are some good.

I'm honest and won't lie to you.
I'm trustworthy.
I can keep your secrets [sometimes I tell my kitty, my bad].
I'm loyal and will back you up.
I'm understanding.
I won't change myself to fit in with the "cool kids".
I'm kind and caring.
I love way too much.
I'm supportive.
I listen better than I give advice.
I have manners and use them.
I tell people when I love them, in fear they might forget.
I'll protect you when you need it.
I always have your best interests at heart.
I don't play favourites - everyone is equal.
I'll agree with you even if you're wrong.
I do everything I can to please you.
I buy you surprises to show you that I think of you all the time.
I work hard to be forgiven.
I learn from my mistakes.
I won't hold your past against you.
I try to never let you down, or disappoint you.
I will fight to keep you in my life.

But most of all.
I am human.
I am real.
I am me.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

---;

I feel broken, like something inside of me is missing. I'm not even sure what it is, I just know it's not there anymore. My whole body feels numb, my brain's half asleep and my insides feel like a huge void. I need to stop feeling miserable, especially when I have so much to be happy about. I wish I wasn't so afraid.
/sigh.
Such is life, I suppose.


I'm still carrying a little hope that
Maybe things could be different now
Is that so wrong, is that so wrong, is that so wrong?
[Carry You - Jimmy Eat World.]

Friday, September 3, 2010

Fight or Flight;

It's taken me an exceptional amount of time to arrive at this point in my life. What I mean to say is that for the first time in my whole existence, I know what I want from my life for the next 5 years. And telling people is equally as frightful as it was coming to the conclusion. I always have to take a deep breath when I say it:

- I want to stay in my current job for a total of 5 years. 1 year down, 4 more to go.
- I want to fulfil the Australian dream. I want to own a house.
- I want to find somebody to make the ultimate commitment to. I want to get married one day.
- I want to create something to show how in love we are. I want children.

There.
I said it. This is the first time I've ever told anyone exactly what I want. A feeling erupts inside of me each time I realise what I want. Fear. I'm terribly afraid of what the future holds. I'm not worried about whether I'll get what I want or not. I'm worried about whether I'll be truly happy if I do get it. I'm afraid that it won't make me happy.

Invisible fears are more difficult that normal fears. You can face your fears if they're real. But imaginary ones, ones you know don't exist, can't be faced head on. If they can, I'm unaware of this and have no idea how to. Pretending like they don't exist is far too great a challenge when you've created an imaginary fear within yourself.

I want all of it more than life itself. The biggest hurdle I face is not living out my desirable life, it's the fear of it all. It comes down to one thing really; fight or flight.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Ideas don't count until you do them;

That's what I saw on a poster at work today. It's supposed to motivate us to turn ideas into actions. Or whatever they meant for it to do. Point being - I think that motivational poster is wrong. I think ideas count, even if you don't make anything of it.

Take the Theory of Relativity. At the moment, it's still a theory [an idea] because until some super genius comes along, the results can not be produced multiple times with consistent results. That's why it's still an theory, whereas gravity is a law. It can be proved time after time, and produce the same results. If you drop something, it falls. Always. Therefore, gravity is a law. Relativity is a little bit more tricky, and not always consistent. Therefore, relativity is still a theory. An idea.

I think ideas are just as important, if not more important, than the actions that come about from them. Ideas are drawn in our minds using imagination and logic, and if they didn't happen, a lot of things in our lives wouldn't be the way they are now. The apple would have hit Isaac's head and he would have thought nothing of it.

Take sliced bread. Seems extremely mundane. What came before sliced bread ? Just a loaf of bread you had to cut yourself. Somewhere a long the track, someone had an idea and decided to make a machine that slices bread. We now have sliced bread at our finger tips whenever we please.

You can see how some small idea manifested into a great invention, but it wouldn't have never happened had someone not thought of it. Ideas count. They count oh so much in life. How can they not count ? Without ideas, human beings would not have become what we are today. We would have starved to death as primates.




On a side note, my boyfriend just bought me the best surprise in the world. Quite possibly the best idea he's ever had. That's How to be Lovely - The Audrey Hepburn Way of Life by Melissa Hellstern. Michael [the boyfriend] is rather amazing. He's already bought me a pocket watch, which I longed for, for about 6 months, and now he got me this book. On top of that, he brings me McDonald's just the way I like it; a punnet of strawberries because they're my favourite fruit; and a Twix bar because it's my favourite chocolate. When I was sick, he brought me cups of tea to make me feel better, and laid beside me in bed while I felt disgusting. He really is a diamond in the rough. I love him dearly.