they say you don't know what you got 'til it's gone / / they say that your darkest hour comes before your dawn

Friday, September 3, 2010

Fight or Flight;

It's taken me an exceptional amount of time to arrive at this point in my life. What I mean to say is that for the first time in my whole existence, I know what I want from my life for the next 5 years. And telling people is equally as frightful as it was coming to the conclusion. I always have to take a deep breath when I say it:

- I want to stay in my current job for a total of 5 years. 1 year down, 4 more to go.
- I want to fulfil the Australian dream. I want to own a house.
- I want to find somebody to make the ultimate commitment to. I want to get married one day.
- I want to create something to show how in love we are. I want children.

I said it. This is the first time I've ever told anyone exactly what I want. A feeling erupts inside of me each time I realise what I want. Fear. I'm terribly afraid of what the future holds. I'm not worried about whether I'll get what I want or not. I'm worried about whether I'll be truly happy if I do get it. I'm afraid that it won't make me happy.

Invisible fears are more difficult that normal fears. You can face your fears if they're real. But imaginary ones, ones you know don't exist, can't be faced head on. If they can, I'm unaware of this and have no idea how to. Pretending like they don't exist is far too great a challenge when you've created an imaginary fear within yourself.

I want all of it more than life itself. The biggest hurdle I face is not living out my desirable life, it's the fear of it all. It comes down to one thing really; fight or flight.

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