they say you don't know what you got 'til it's gone / / they say that your darkest hour comes before your dawn

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Overload;

This, all too often, is my problem. I feel too much. I'm not sure how really, but I do. I cry too much, I smile too much, I laugh too much, I'm angry too often - everything all at once. I'm constantly overloaded with emotions that I get confused. I'm never sure how I'm meant to feel about things because I'm constantly feeling everything.

I'm happy for the things I have, but I'm sad because I know some have a lot less. I laugh at pretty much everything, but I stress because I don't take things seriously enough. I worry over things that don't matter, and that makes me angry. I know it's normal to feel all of these emotions, but sometimes I wish I didn't feel as much.

There are days, as much as I hate to admit, where I feel nothing. I have no desire to leave my bed or talk to anyone, or even eat. I don't get hungry, thirsty or aches from sitting in the same position all day. I don't feel bored but I'm not entertained either. I'm so emotionally drained from everything that I neither feel emotions nor feel numb. It's this weird limbo I sit in until something around me forces me to change.

I'm probably not the only one. I'm sure there are others who can relate to this, but still. It doesn't change the fact that I don't feel things that I want to, or I feel them too much. I've pretty much lost control over balancing my emotions. I've kind of lost who I am to myself. I know that I am a happy person; so why is it when I feel it, it feels like it's too much ? And how can anyone be unhappy that they're too happy ? It doesn't make sense.

Maaaan, I need to do some serious soul searching.
I need to find me again, and hold on to it tightly.

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