they say you don't know what you got 'til it's gone / / they say that your darkest hour comes before your dawn

Monday, December 13, 2010

Secret Women's Business;

I was reading a short submission to a group I follow on Facebook, called Secret Women's Business. When I came across this story, I instantly felt like I knew how this woman felt. Truth is, I really do know how it feels. Welcome to the story of all my relationships - the meddling ex-girlfriend.

"Dear SWB, I have always believed that when it's over, it's over!  I have cut ties with my past and the only person I want in my present is my partner.  I am a bit on the possessive side and I confess to getting jealous.  Unless I'm given a reason, I am fine.  Recently my partners ex has made herself very visible.  She has started frequenting places we go and has even relocated to a rental 3 streets away.  

I don't believe in coincidences and I am convinced she is doing her best to get him back.  I have broached the subject with my boyfriend and he says I'm being paranoid and that I shouldn't be worried given that she dumped him, but that is precisely my point.  I have no doubt she's making a play for him and being a man, when it comes to such things he's as dumb as a rock!  

She has even started dropping by uninvited.  I'm not living with him and a couple of times I have turned up and she has been there.  I hit the roof and my boyfriend said that he doesn't see any reason why we can't all be friends.  There is no way in hell I can come at that.  I don't want to split with my partner as I love him with all my heart but every time I see her I want to scratch her eyes out.  How should I deal with this situation, I'm afraid I'm pushing him in her direction because of my bad behaviour.  Please help"

Always a comforting feeling to know that I'm not the only person who's had to deal with such ex-girlfriends, and that I'm really not all that crazy. This woman sounds pretty much like me, except I'm not possessive or the jealous type. And all of the ex-girlfriends I've encountered have continually tried to steal said boyfriend back. I've experienced the ex-girlfriend trauma one too many times. It's not fun, on anyone's part, except maybe for her. Bitch. And I'm not aiming this at any particular girl, just those who've done me wrong... Which happens to be all of them. Bitches.

A lot of the responses were similar - "It's you or the ex. Can't have both," and the age old saying, "Keep your friends close, your enemies closer." Very few of them were about accepting the ex as his friend and put up with it, but I don't care for those answers. And neither do you, you know you don't. So, how does one deal with such a predicament ? Easy. You start with the first answer, "It's me or the ex," and if that's not enough, you begin with the second answer, "Keep your enemies closer."

Sometimes, I've had to go with the second answer because the first failed. It's not easy, having to accept that an attempted-boyfriend-stealing-ex-girlfriend is now your boyfriend's friend, but it's that or break up. Really, breaking up is so much trouble. You've got to end it while somehow coming out as the good guy, then you've got to give back any items that you might have of his, then you have to work out how you're going to see your friends without him being there, then there's all those silly future plans you've now got to cancel. It's all too messy if you ask me. And seriously, why should you break up ? He wants to be with you, and if he's seriously committed to your relationship, and you honestly believe you can trust him, then leave the evil-ex-bitch-of-a-girlfriend to herself.

Besides, nothing in the world feels better than knowing your boyfriend shuts down his ex-girlfriend because you're the better option. Because he wants you. Because he's yours, and you're his. Because he loves you.The next time she opens her tramp mouth, shut her down with that. No matter what she says or does, it will never amount to being greater than you. He's happier with you, and that's all you need to remember.


  1. I've been both girls in this situation. I've been the girl that has been cheated on by her boyfriend but decided to stay with him and was ate up with jealousy and insecurity, and I've been the ex-girlfriend trying to be friends with the boy. To be honest with you, despite everything I've tried to prove against this fact, boys and girls cannot be friends without one or the other developing feelings, or old feelings resurfacing. Honestly, I don't know why the guy would want to be friends with a girl that makes you feel uncomfortable. He should realize what this girl almost made him lose you and keep her completely out of his life. But I love reading your blog and keep it up!

  2. Ah, isn't it awfully difficult to maintain a friendship with someone you were once so close too ! I've been that ex-girlfriend trying to be friends with the boy, and it's failed every time. Only because it's become too frustrating to hold up. Sometimes, I guess if you were with someone for long enough, the idea of losing contact becomes frightening because you've always been that way with them. Still, there are boundaries that the ex-girlfriend should obey, and if they don't, they deserve to be put back in their place.
    And thank you (: I'm glad you enjoy it and could relate to my post.