they say you don't know what you got 'til it's gone / / they say that your darkest hour comes before your dawn

Thursday, December 29, 2011


Someone spilt a beer all over my iPhone tonight. Half the sounds don’t work now. I’m going to try the rice trick and see if it works. If not, looks like I’ll be checking my warranty and getting a replacement. Gah !

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Tru luv <3xoxoxo;

Who said romance is dead ?

Drunken antics;

26th December 2011 was a great night ! I got a little bit more intoxicated than I was planning due to an empty stomach and mixing cider with vodka inside my tumtum. I wore my black platform wedges, which meant I was a great deal taller than usual. It also knocked me off my balance when walking down stairs and pretty much kissed the pavement when I left. Although, the rounded toes on them made it much easier to twirl around in circles. They are incredibly comfortable.
Callum's face in that photo is priceless. I must remember to buy him a drink next time, to repay him for the one he bought me, of course (:

Those drinks also meant I left with a bruise roughly the length of my finger from walking into an object I don't remember. Nevertheless, I hope to do it again some time soon.

Jerky McJerk Face;

I don't care if you wear an inch thick layer of make up or none at all. If it makes you happy and comfortable with who you are, then that's all that matters. Christ, why is everyone so hell bent on calling girls who wear make up "superficial" ?! Jerky jerk faces.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Oh my goodness;

Our fish are trying to escape from their tank. Michael's fish has had repeated success in jumping out of the water. I've put glad wrap over the top and a jar on top to ensure they don't get out. If they do, Ichigo will eat them.

It's really no surprise though. When we were at the store, this fish was swimming into the pump trying to get out. Pretty much exactly like Nemo. What the fuuuuuck ?!

Michael and I bought fish together today;

I know I speak of him often, and I'm sure it drives you bloody mental, but when there's something so fabulous in your life that it makes you happier than you thought possible, well, it's hard not to always have it on your mind. I'm in the most adult, trusting, honest, sexually satisfying, and in all sense of the word, loving relationship. And it feels so good. When I was 17, coming home was pleasing because I hid away in my room and listened to music loud enough to drown out my thoughts. Now I come home excited to walk through the front door because I know he'll be sitting on the couch, Ichigo by his side, playing xbox/Nintendo, and he'll look up and smile at me. The world could come crumbling down around me and I don't think I'd notice. I don't think I'd worry either. I have him with me right now, when I need him the most and that's utterly satisfying.

Moving into together squashed any insecurities I had left over. We spoke of his past behaviour when we first started dating, and I think both of us were glad that he said he'd never become that person again. Well, at least not with me. When you start dating someone, you automatically hand over trust without really considering it. When you're in a relationship that has had troubles that make you question that trust, it's earned back with a lot of grovelling and giving in to compromises that don't actually let you win in any way at all. Trust that's earned back is far stronger than trust automatically handed over. For me, anyway. I don't fret, ever. I don't have to, because he's honest with me, because I trust him enough to not query who he's talking to or whatever. I'm not afraid of anything anymore.

Well, no. That's a bit of a lie. I'm afraid of losing him. That's apart of loving someone though, so it's only natural that I become a little shaken with the thought of not having him by my side. Actually, at this point in time, I can't see myself without him. For the short term; let's not get carried away. And by short term, I mean for the next year or so. I met one of his old friends the other night; last night in fact. When I told him that Michael and I will be together for 3 years in May, his reaction was surprising. He was astounded. He couldn't believe that such a long time had passed since the two had last seen each other. I never realised how long 3 years actually is. For me, not a lot has changed. Nothing dramatic, just the small stuff, but from the outside you'd notice it. I never really gave it much thought, you know ? 

In reality, a lot has changed. I'm sitting on the couch in my own living room, with my very first personal loan purchased car in the drive way, surrounded by everything that Michael and I own together, with the conscious knowledge that I'll be going to work tomorrow where I know I've got a secure position for as long as I want, or until I screw up badly enough to be fired (which won't be happening because I want to keep my career going for the rest of my life.) I've done a lot of growing up in the past few months, which honestly could have never been achieved so gracefully if it wasn't for Michael. If it wasn't for Michael, I'd still be stuck in a dead end job, with a relationship that wasn't going anywhere remotely close to where I wanted it to go, living at home with my mother terrified of moving out on my own, and driving a car two years older than myself.

I'm a better person now. I have Michael to thank for his support and for pushing me to go after what I want. He brings out the best in me.

By the way, let me introduce to you to Tilly, the spotted Fantail, and Bruce, the orange Comet. They're a lovely addition to our family.

Monday, December 26, 2011

The Nicest Thing;

Waiting for Belinda to pick me up. Can't wait to get my groove on with the girls, especially Kelly since I haven't seen her in months ! I've teed off my leggings with a white over sized t-shirt since I'm sick of wearing black with them. I don't give a shit if other people think I dress weirdly; I like what I'm wearing, and that's what matters.

Tonight's going to be great. Closure in Moscow with my friends while Michael is working. I wish he could be there but alas, we have bills to pay.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Christmas Eve;

The perks of waking up at 5:15am every morning I have work. I always get to watch the sunrise (:

Thursday, December 22, 2011

People often ask me why I modify my body;

I'll tell you why I do it. I see human beings as blank white walls. Everyone starts off with a clean wall, and throughout life, it's their decision to make that wall into what they want. Some people want to keep that wall as white as the first day they saw it. Some people don't mind if it gets scuffed, scratched or marked. And then there are people like me, who see that blank white wall as more. We see it as a canvas. We paint it, draw on it, stick photos and posters all over it, we scratch it, tear at it, do whatever feels like the most fun at the time. We do this because when we're about to close our eyes for the last time, we can see our whole life on that wall. We can see the scars, the piercings, the tattoos, the meanings behind every photo and poster we've stuck on that wall. And it's not just for us to see; it's on display for others.

My modifications tell a story about my life. That's why.

Equivalent Exchange;

So while Michael and I were out doing some shopping, he did as he usually does and sent me off in the opposite direction so he could buy me another surprise. He said it was so awesome it'd make me want to marry him.

I was not at all expecting this. Fullmetal Alchemist is my all time favourite anime [Elfin Lied comes in at #1.5] and now, thanks to my wonderful and amazing boyfriend, I have the complete series, both movies, a book on Alchemy and what makes up the world they live in, and the amazing case. If you've ever wondered where my chest tattoo comes from, it's this. Her name is Lust, and she's my favourite character.

Oh so happy.

Seeing Armstrong on the cover makes me giggle. What a character, that fellow.


Tonight I sat on my Ab Swing during a full episode of Nip/Tuck. I love that I can work out while watching tv in the comfort of my lounge room. Here's to getting fit and toning up !

It's about time I did some serious work on improving my whole image. I'm feeling great about life.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Listen here, you little fucker;

If your ass ever touches the soil on which Adelaide is built upon, I swear to fucking hell and back that I'll tear you a new asshole. Don't you dare try and tell me what the fuck '"family" means. Family means putting the needs of others before your own. It means making all the goddamn sacrifices necessary for their happiness. It means compromising and learning to take a loss sometimes. It means being there for each other, supporting each other, and above all, it means loving without boundaries. You might not like some of the decisions your family makes, but you fucking deal with them and make it work.

For you to go ahead and put your own needs before those you love shows how incredibly fucking selfish you are. Nothing matters more to you than what you want. Fuck everyone else. Fuck all the sacrifices they've made to make you happy. Fuck being thankful for the life your family has given you, the chance after chance each time you've fucked up. Fuck all of that because you can't get what you want.

You little son of a bitch. If you come within arms reach of me, you better hope I don't get my hands around that spineless neck of yours.

My lolita shoes were posted today;

"I think it will take 25 days."


Hmph. I hate playing the waiting game for packages to arrive. On the plus side, I'll have forgotten they're coming by the time they actually get to my front door.

But still. I want them nowwwwww );


Another one of my high school friends is now engaged.

What am I doing with my life, you ask ?
Still playing Nintendo and watching tv shows on my laptop with my cat and boyfriend.

Who's got two thumbs and enjoys their life more than life itself ?

Wait, is that even possible - enjoys their life more than life itself - Nope. I'm making shit up. IDGAF.

Today is going to be a good day;

You know how you wake up some mornings and have a good feeling about the rest of the day ? Welcome to my current feeling. Something tells me it's going to be one those days where everything falls together nicely (:

Christmas on Sunday ! I'm really excited. It'll be the first Christmas Michael and I get to celebrate in our own home. I can't wait to see his face when he opens his presents. He's going to like them very much.
I have to work Christmas Eve and day for the first time as well. I'll be late to my family lunch but I don't mind. Helping my residents so they can be with their families is a pretty awesome reward for the day. Plus, triple rate because not only is it a public holiday, it's also a Sunday. A little Christmas bonus for me (:

Oh goodness, I feel really good about everything. The time leading up to moving out, and shortly after, was stressful. I broke down, isolated myself for a bit, and felt like I had made a very stressful decision that resulted in more stress. Weeks later and I'm okay. I'm nowhere near as stressed or anxious as I usually would be, and I have Michael and my family's constant support to thank. I'm so lucky to have such amazing people in my life. Yeah.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Can't sleep and don't wanna work tomorrow morning;

Went and saw Jay Hoad Band tonight. I don't know whether I like him more as a band or as a solo artist. Either way, tonight was enjoyable. I had to leave early because of work so I left Michael waiting for Ryan on his own. I doubt they would have played my favourite song anyway since it's more acoustic than full band.
I really should get some sleep. It's 10:56pm and I was meant to be asleep half an hour ago. I'm sleeping without the pills now. I feel good about it. So much has changed for the better the last couple of months. Calls for another entry another sleepless night.

I'm really happy with life. Really happy.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Let me make this very clear;

I do the things I do and I say the things I say because I'm my own person. I will, under no circumstances, apologise for having a well voiced opinion or for doing what makes me happiest. If it upsets you, then that's your problem. I'll be fine, living my life as happy and free as can be. I don't need to consider the opinions of people I do not care about. You're invalid.

Thursday, December 15, 2011


Change is necessary for growth. You cannot become a better person, live a better life, or any of that shit if you don't change. Sometimes it's for the best, sometimes it's not, but it's all trial and error until you work out what works. People who think that by changing their location, their environment, their friendships, the dynamics of their every day life that they'll change really piss me off. That never works. Never. The only way any of those pointless attempts at bettering yourself actually work is if you change within. You need to change the way you see your location, your environment, your friendships and they dynamics of your every day life. YOU need to change before the things around you change.

It's hard, really fucking hard, to change who you are. All your life, this is the person you've always known, and if anyone knows you best, it's yourself. That's where your greatest strength for change is found. Inside yourself. You know what needs fixing, you know how to fix it, and you're the only who can. No one else around you can make the changes in your life effective except for yourself. After all, it's your life that you're living. You're the one who wakes up and faces the decisions you'll need to make for that day. You are responsible for what happened, what is currently happening and what may happen.

I know of a few people who run from their lives. They run away to new places in hopes that if they change the scenery, they'll change the problem, but that's not how it works. They've never thought for a moment that maybe, just maybe, the change that needs to happen is within themselves. Sure, life can be a motherfucker at the worst of times, but the only person who can let life beat you down to a miserable pulp is yourself. Change your attitude to the way things happen in your life and you'll see a change. You'll be happier, you'll smile, you'll feel like you can breathe, that the heavy weight on your shoulders suddenly has a billion helium balloons attached to it, easing the load but not removing it totally. Life could be a shitfuck load worse than what you currently have to deal with, so lighten up and make a change for the better.

Humans have a godridden awful habit of envying those who have better lives than themselves. It's not jealousy, because that would mean you think you deserve it more than they do; it's envy, because you want what they have. You want to be that confident and sexy person you secretly admire. You want to be that suave and well respected person you secretly idolise. You want to be that athletic and physically fit person you secretly use to fuel your determination. Stop watching them from the sidelines and fucking join them. Be confident and sexy, be suave and well respected, be athletic and physically fit; be all that you want to be so long as you're willing to change and work for it.

Change yourself and the world around you will change with you. Stay who you are and the world will stand frozen, unable to grow. You'll be stuck, dealing with the same shit problems you've always had, feeling the same shit way you always have, wishing you could live a better and happier life if only you had the strength to do it. You will always be a coward and weak in my eyes. The strongest people I know are those who survived change and made the goddamn best of it. It's up to you on what kind of life you lead.

Sunday, December 11, 2011


My jeans finally fit me perfectly ! They were too big when I bought them back in 06. Clearly my ba-donk-adonk has become bigger.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

I think my cat has OCD;

Every day, without a doubt, he spends too much time licking his coat clean. Whenever someone puts their hand near him, he licks their skin before he lefts you touch him. At first, I thought he had fleas so I treated him for that. Turns out he's got a fuckload of pride and likes to be clean.

Today, I'm not even kidding, he's been licking his coat for like half an hour. Every single inch of his coat.

Friday, December 9, 2011


On a daily basis, I deal with caring for people who have reached the final stages of their life. I say "stages" because entering an aged care facility does not mean the end of your life, nor does it mean you're dying. It just means that you need someone there to look after you 24/7 for whatever reason that may be, and you can't get that at home with your family. Sometimes the needs of a person exceed the capabilities of the carer. It's an emotionally draining job and I can only imagine it would be multiplied when looking after a loved one. And let me clear up a common misconception - not all elderly people require care, not all of them get Dementia, not all of them lose the ability to control their bodily functions. Just some of them.

The final stage of life is called Palliative Care. Basically, it's when your body shuts down on you and starts to slowly die. You don't eat or drink, you don't speak or move, you lay in a bed, crawled up in foetal position, your body becomes stiff, you lose weight faster than ever imaginable, and your mind leaves you. The last two senses to fade out in the human body are touch/pain and hearing. Sight, taste and smell are lost early. To compensate for the incredible pain you're in, you're usually put on strong as fuck pain killers. Watching a person I care for at work slowly slip away is difficult at the best of times.

Today was an experience I'm not likely to forget. My grandma has been battling cancer for the last couple of years. She had breast cancer and survived, but it spread to her liver and this time she's not so lucky. It's taken over 70% of her liver and she's undergoing chemotherapy and other experimental drugs in hopes to erase it. I've been well aware that she's dying at a rate much quicker than she should be, but today was the first time I really took it in. It's one thing to hear my mother tell me about it; it's another thing to witness my grandma hold back her tears while she has a blood test via a port in her chest. For the first time she's been battling cancer, I saw her real pain.

And it fucking killed me.

I had to walk away and cry to myself out of her sight. My mother acted as a shield between us, but my grandma obviously knew. When I'm at work, I shut it out. I remember that it's not my personal business and I'm there to do my job. I still care, but it's well within my means and under control. I'm yet to form a real bond with a resident to the point I'd cry if they were to pass away. But when it's your own family, it really fucks you up. I felt sick in the core of my stomach, and as much as I wanted to control my tears, I couldn't. Suddenly the reasons why I've been so angry came to me.

I'm angry because of her cancer. I'm angry because she talks as if she's not going to make it. I'm angry because she's afraid. I'm angry because, well, I don't want to lose her. But mostly, I'm angry at myself for not taking this whole fucked up situation as seriously as I should have. I'm angry at myself for not ever making the time to call her or see her. I'm angry at myself for brushing off her attempts to spend time with me while she's still got it. I'm angry at myself for treating this as if it were work. I'm angry at myself for not caring enough, not being there often enough, not loving her as much as she deserves. I'm so fucking angry at myself for not being a good enough person for her. She needs all the support she can get, and I was too busy with my own life to see how painful hers truly is.

As of today, I'm going to be the best goddamn granddaughter she's ever going to need. I'm going to see her more, and when I can't, I'm going to call her more. I'm going to ask how she's feeling and how her treatments are going. I'm going to take her to the hospital and help out so my mother, who's caring for her full time, can have a break. She goes to hospital every Monday, which is lucky for me since that's the only constant day off I have over my roster at work. Mondays are now days I will call/see her.

This coming Monday she's having a blood transfusion because her haemoglobin is too low. It'll take 6 hours. I bought myself a car today. I have no excuses left to run. Monday afternoon, when she gets out, I want to be there to take her home. It's the least I can do to begin making up for all the times I haven't been there.

They say you never really know what you've got until you lose it. That's not true. I know exactly how fucking lucky I am to have such a strong, brave and beautiful woman in my life. I'm not going to take that for granted. She means more to me than her weight in gold. The day she passes away... I don't know what I'll do.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Cut the skin to the bone;

I was sleeping. My eyes were dark til you woke me, and told me that opening is just the start. It was...
Now I see you, til kingdom come. You're the one I want to see me, for all the stupid shit I've done.

I was going to write about something that's been on my mind for the past couple of weeks, but I won't just yet. Instead, I'm going to write the start to my novel. I've spent so long trying to figure out the right way to start it, and then it hit me yesterday. I'm home alone so I might as well take the opportunity to be left alone with my thoughts. I'm not going to write it out on my typewriter until I get some new ribbon. The condition of my current is poor.

The last time I had a cigarette, the last real time I had one, I was 14. I've had a few in the past 4 years but I've been beyond drunk and never remembered until someone shamed me about it. I promised my mother I wouldn't have another when she caught me. Lately I've never had a bigger urge to start up again. I know it's toxic for my health, it'll stain my teeth, I'll have terrible breath, my lungs will fill with tar, and I'm likely to get cancer of some sort, but I really couldn't care less at this point. I know myself, it won't become a habit; only for when I need to write. I need to fill myself with something toxic before I can purge what's good on the inside. I'm really not in the mood to let my depression take over, even if it's for the sake of writing, like I used to. Things are going swimmingly, and I'd like to keep it that way.

Family hangs;

We're a bit cute.

I love eBay;

In 2 weeks, I'll have these in my possession :3

Wednesday, December 7, 2011


Me: I'm going to write this motherfucking awesome introduction to the novel I'll be spending the next possible six years writing. It's finally come to me. Must get it down.

Word: Okie dokie, type away.

Me: Oh, new stuff on my tumblr dashboard. I have to check it. Have to.

Word: I'll just chill out here, while you've left me unsaved. That's cool.

Me: Right, let's get back to writing.

Word: Nah, I'm going to crash on you instead.

Me: lkfhalghaelyrlWIRHFLASGHLFSJHFA;KJDFfhdsjlghsdlgh

Word: I can recover your lost work. Do you want to use recovered file ?


Word: LULZ JK I only recovered a blank page because you forgot to save before I unexpectedly crashed on you. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Body confidence;

Someone on a previous post asked to see my bikini, and now you also have my incredibly unfit body on display. I am not as stick thin as people think, and I hate it when people insinuate that I’m anorexic or something. Clearly I eat all the time. Last time I checked, I was 157cm and 52kg.
I plan on working out for at least 30 minutes a day to get my dancers body back. It’s not a bid to get skinnier or anything like that. I used to be able to dance for hours on end, but these days I’m lucky to last 15 minutes. I want to work out to get fit and health. That’s it.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Early Christmas presents rule !;

Michael spoils me way too much. Shitfuck. I cannot contain my happiness right now.

Friday, December 2, 2011

Whoops !;

Accidentally punched Michael in the balls while he was tickling me. That’ll teach him.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Playing my Nintendo DSiXL;

For the first time in months. Michael's buying me a 3DS for Christmas so I might as well get some practice in. You can tell it's been a long time since you last played when your hand cramps up way too soon.

Mortal Kombat, you will be the death of me. Stupid female characters can burn in hell. Except Kitana, she can stay.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011


Moving houses meant that I had to get new Internet connected, and as such I'm reliant on my iPhone to suffice for the next 4-14 days. All I want to do is post what's on my mind, but the iPhone app isn't really speed friendly keyboard-wise. So until then, I bid you good day.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Things I found while cleaning my room and packing my stuff;

  • Promo flyer for Out of Step after it just opened. They’re actually the best married couple I know, and the best parents. Their kids are amazing. They’re the only people I'll let pierce my body, and I highly recommend them to everyone.
  • My wisdom teeth that I thought I had lost. I found them in the bag I got from the dentist the day I had them removed. Food stuck under a flap of gum resulted in an infection, and $600 down the drain. The weekend after I had them removed was the first time I met Michael’s parents.
  • Whoa! Shut It Down was a band my best friend, Ryan, formed. They performed one gig, all of our friends showed up, we all bought the same t-shirt, and I have a face towel with the band name embroidered on it. Everyone came back to my house for the after party. Good day.

Tonight's the last night;

That I'll get to watch the sun set over the ocean while sitting on my couch. From my backyard, you can see where the sky meets the water. The family room in my house has floor to ceiling windows on 2 out of 4 walls, enabling me to see everything without freezing my butt off. I'm going to miss it, a lot. In summer, you can smell the beach in the air. It's the most fascinating thing. And when it rains over the ocean, you can see it - the water develops patches and darkens in odd shapes.

As of tomorrow, I won't have it anymore. On the plus side, I'll have my boyfriend around pretty much 24/7, and I like that :3

I can tell you one thing I'm not going to miss - walking up those damn stairs when I'm too drunk to carry myself on my own two feet. I don't think Michael will miss carrying me up them, either.

I'm going to miss my mum, too. I know we're not that kind of lovey dovey sort of mother and daughter combo, but ever since I snapped at her for treating me like shit, she's been rather nice. She's helped me out a lot with preparing to move out, and today she was really understanding and patient, which for my mother is really weird. When I leave, she'll be home all alone while injured. I don't like the idea that she'll get lonely or that no one will be there to look after her if the pain becomes unbearable. It makes me sad, and that's why up until recently, I put off leaving home.

It's time to fly the coop.

Gah !;

I don't know what I hate more: packing my life into boxes, or unpacking what's left over into my new house.
Someone do it for me !

Wednesday, November 23, 2011


Oh, how I wish I could make wooden signs of this and nail them into people’s foreheads so every time they wake up and look in the mirror, they know they have to move the fuck on.

People who don’t know when to let go of others really piss me off. You had your chance and you fucked it up. End of story. Now move on with your life.

Sunday, November 20, 2011


So it turns out writing my book without the help of Word is rather difficult. I need it just to write down my notes, my characters, my synopses, everything. Once I have the outer working of my story down, I can start typing it out on my typewriter. The ribbon is worn and slightly dry, so I'm not wasting it during the brainstorming process. I need to get to know my characters and turning points inside and out before I can start filling in the minor details.

If someone knows where I can buy Word 2010 on the cheap, let me know. I'm not impatient. I guess the more time I have between now and when I get Word again, the more time the story in my head has to develop.

Mental note: in addition to buying Word, don't forget to process the film from your Lomo. Need to see how those photographs turned out.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

All done up;

I'd like to think Snow White and I were sisters in another life ;D

Friday, November 18, 2011


Watching So You Think You Can Dance makes me want to kill myself. I cannot wait for the new year. I get to start my contemporary dance classes. 6 weeks of whipping my body back into shape. I need to get back my flexibility, my balance, my posture, my fitness levels, and my physique. I am so damn excited !
I'd chuck in the ballet classes as well, but unfortunately my work finish time clashes with the start of the dance class.

Watching a loved one cry out in pain, knowing there's nothing you can do to help, is the absolute worst;

I’ve been at Flinder’s Medical Centre Emergency since about 6am this morning. Mother had intense back spasms that prevented her from walking, or basically any movement at all, including talking. I had to called 000 and get an ambulance because there was no way I could carry her to the car and drive. We’re home now, and she’s on severely strong pain killers.

Today, I cried a new set of tears - tears of helplessness. I felt fucking horrible watching my mother scream out in pain because it hurt so much, knowing there was nothing anyone could do. She just had to take it.

Thursday, November 17, 2011


Bought the BEST zombie cupcake book today. Cannot wait to make these ! So many awesome ideas.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011


Still giving me butterflies in my tummy 2 and a half years later. I’m so incredibly lucky to have such a loving and supportive person in my life.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011


The ONLY thing getting me through tonight is knowing that Michael and I get to share Christmas together in our own home for the first time ever. I'm so excited to get a Christmas tree and decorate the house. It's going to be so much fun !

I'm actually super duper pumped to live with him. It's one of the greatest highlights of my year.

It's official;

My hair is long enough that I can put it up in a bun on its own. No hair ties, no pins. Just twist and wind.

Come the next few months it'll be long enough to trim, layer, and be perfect to leave on its own. No more straightening unless it's for a special event.

Can life please make up its mind ?;

Yesterday was a handful, and as I've just experienced, so is today. I got word back from my mechanic about how much it's going to cost to fix my car. The cheapest deal he can do for me is $2,500. I don't know about you, but I don't have that kind of money laying around the place.

As if I'm not stressed out enough with trying to organise getting ready to move houses, I now how to deal with a debt that I can't afford. Might as well give up on the bloody damn car and take out a loan greater than I was planning. Either way, I don't have money to buy a newer car, let alone fix my current one, so I might as well just jump in the deep end.

The next two weeks are going to be a nightmare. I'm trying super duper hard to not let my emotions control me, but this is getting beyond ridiculous. I've spent the last half hour crying to myself because my mother's idea of "helping" me has actually made me feel a billion times worse.

Monday, November 14, 2011

What a day;

Woke up this morning at 9am. For me, that's a sleep in. I got up, accidentally got wax in the wrong part of my eyebrow and took more off that I wanted, showered, my hair felt ridiculously good while rinsing it, shaded in my lame eyebrow, and then found some decent clothes appropriate for the weather. Received a phone call from what I thought was a random number, but actually turned out to be the real estate agent. Michael and I got the house we wanted so desperately ! We move in on the 25th of November once we have bond and 2 weeks advance rent organised. Walked out the front door, smelt smoke, and mother informed me that there's a bush fire in the conservation park up the street from our house.

Went upstairs, attempted to clean my room but only got about half way because it's seriously exhausting work, and then found out that the washing machine broke today. As if having car trouble wasn't enough, now I had to go to the laundry mat with mother. On our way, mother insisted on showing me a car she thought I'd like, since I'm buying another one, but it turned out to be a dud. The whole place was full of dud cars. We did our washing, which was a fuckload more expensive that we assumed, I grabbed sushi for lunch, which was terrible, and then we chose to hang out our washing at home instead of paying more money to use the dryers.

On our way home, I got a phone call from work. They're changing lunch time around at work for the residents, and as such, it means my short 5 hour shifts now become 6.5 hour shifts. I'm completely satisfied knowing that in the past 3 weeks, I've been offered more hours; just enough to cover rent and all our bills, with extra left over if I balance it right. When mother and I got to our street, it was blocked off with witches hats and a police officer. Mother got out and explained to him that we live on that street and needed to get home. All I could think about was Ichigo. We got home, mother made a stupid conversation with the next door neighbours, and I hung out the washing on the line hoping that it won't smell of smoke tomorrow.

Since Michael and I need financial help with covering bond, I decided to look up what assistance we could get. I finally found the forms, went to go print them, and then the printer started to fuck up. First it ran out of paper, so I put more in. Then it wouldn't resume printing, so I cancelled it, turn off the printer and chose to start again. When I had turned it back on, it decided that running blank pages through itself was the smartest idea. As I soon realised, it was actually out of ink but chose to tell me that it was jammed with paper instead. Mother's just left for the new ink cartridges. I wonder if she realises, that because we have one of those totally unnecessarily fancy printers, that it's going to cost a fair bit.

As for the blow fly that had been buzzing around in the same corner of the room for 15 minutes, I finally got the fucker with the fly spray. Which, mind you, is labelled in a completely different language, one I'm not sure I recognise. The only English on the can is "Mortein Ultra." Whatever; it did its job well.

And it's only just gone 5 o'clock.

Heart full of wine;

I've been staring at that blinking character cursor all night. I write something, read it over, highlight it and delete it. Nothing I write tonight satisfies me whatsoever. I guess I'm just going to have to share what's bothering me right now. And by bothering me, I just mean that I don't understand it. It doesn't make me angry or hurt me or the likes, but I'd like to understand the situation a little better. Ugh, I know that if I post this, I'm going to want to take it down tomorrow after I wake up and read what a disastrous entry this is.

Okay, so straight up, this is what's bothering me - Michael did a survey quiz thingy on his tumblr and one of the questions asked if he knew of people who were mad because of the person he's dating, and being honest like he is, he said yes.

I'm not bothered that he's honest about it, because that's what I want from him; honesty. What bothers me is that "yes" was the answer. Yes, he has people in his life that are mad because he's with me. And that bothers me. It's doesn't hurt me or upset me, it just confuses me. I make Michael happy, I know that, and yet people are mad at him for that. Or mad at me. Whichever the case, someone's still irrationally mad for something positive. Michael loves me and is happy with me. Why does that make others mad ? I don't get it.

It's not like I did anything hurtful towards any of them. I know there's a lot of bullshit flying around about the details of how Michael ended up with me instead of his ex, but I assure you; it was all his choice. I didn't force him to be with me, I didn't steal him from his ex, and I am most certainly not the kind of girlfriend that forbids him to see his friends that I haven't met. From the very beginning, Michael's always had a choice. I always made it crystal clear that if he wanted to be with someone else, all he had to do was say so and I would let him leave. He knows that, even now.

The thing that bothers me the most is that I know who he was thinking of when he answered "yes." It bothers me because it's been 2 and 1/2 years since he made his choice, and still she can't deal with it. Still, she's trying to defend her side of the story, like it matters anymore. Which is really stupid because if her side of the story doesn't matter anymore, then this shouldn't bother me, but it does so shut your mouth. And see, the thing is is that she has no idea who I am, what kind of person I'm like, or anything personal about me. As far as I'm concerned, all of her opinion of me is based on what she's lurked on Facebook. And believe me, I know she's lurked plenty.

And what makes matters worse for me, is that I know she's going around telling her friends, mutual friends of Michael's, that I'm a bad person because of all these imaginary hurtful things I've done. I know she is, Michael even said so. I don't think he realised what he actually said when he said it, but it's stuck in my head and I'll never forget it. Michael's female best friend is someone I'd like to meet, eventually, because I've heard such lovely things about her and she's an important part of his life. I've come to the conclusion, that because she's also his ex's best friend, I'll probably never get to meet her. And even if I did, I don't think she'd like me all that much because of all the horrible things she's heard about me.
Michael's words were, "No, she wants to meet you, even after all the bad things [insert ex's name here] has said about you."
That's great to know, really. I love hearing how people talk shit about me behind my back. I love it even more when they pretend to be nice to my face the first time we exchange words face to face. It's fucking fantastic. She even defended herself and said to Michael that she was being "nice" upon our first exchange of introductions. I'm sorry, but nice people aren't two-faced.

I just don't get it. It's been 2 and 1/2 years. Isn't that enough time to get over it ? I'm not angry about all the shit that happened at the beginning anymore. I'm not angry about the countless times she tried to win him back from me anymore. I'm not angry about how she calls him her best friend, when Michael talks rather unpleasantly about her to all of our friends anymore [I was angry in the beginning because Michael was being two-faced, and I hate two-faced people.] I don't care about how she's apart of Michael's life, in whatever way she is. But that still doesn't mean I'm okay with the fact that she hates me for something I didn't do, bitches about me behind my back to all of Michael's friends, and still holds a grudge against me.

I get the whole "first true love" thing. I do, even though I've never had to apply it to myself. But for goodness sake, it's over for you two. As long as Michael has me, he doesn't want anyone else. I make him the happiest, and shouldn't that make other people happy, too ? Shouldn't they be happy that Michael's happy, regardless of who he's with ? You can't say things like, "I just want you to be happy, no matter what," and then take it back because the person he's now with makes him so happy that he wouldn't even consider going back to you again. Either you want him to be happy, or you don't.

I make Michael happy, and as long as I keep doing so, things aren't going to change. People should be happy about it, not mad. And anyone who's mad about me being with Michael is not someone I want to meet anyway. I can do without the fake persona, thank you very much.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Survs up;

1. Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?
My boyfriend ? Adurh !

2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now?

3. When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time?
That doesn’t happen. Just no.

4. Would you ever smile at a stranger?
I do all the time.

5. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?
If there is, I don’t care.

6. Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?
Not that I can think of.

7. What exactly are you wearing right now?
Work clothes.

8. How often do you listen to music?
Every day. Stupid question.

9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more?
Denim for sure. Jeans, shorts, jackets…

10. Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2012?
2013 is when a big change happens career wise (:

11. Are you a social or an antisocial person?
I’m social, even though I like my quiet time (:

12. Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with the letter ‘A’?

13. What about ‘R’?

14. Can you drive a stick shift?
“Stick shift,” hahahahha. I’m learning again since I haven’t since I was 16 and that was a long time ago.

15. Do you care if people talk badly about you?
I’ve now seen the upside to this situation - if people talk shit about me, it’s because they’ve got nothing better to do with their time than hate on me.

16. Are you going out of town soon?
Not until Feburary-ish

17. When was the last time you cried?
I don’t even remember. Who cares ?

18. Have you ever told someone you loved them?
Well yeah… I mean it.

19. If you could change your eye color, would you?

20. Is there a boy who you would do absolutely everything for?
Sure, more than one actually.

21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having.
I’m tired, it’s Sunday night, and I can’t see Michael because I don’t have a car to drive.

22. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead?
Yes, yes it is.

23. Are you dating the last person you talked to?
Sure am (:

24. What are you sitting on right now?
Kitchen bar stool.

25. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you?
Michael tells me every day.

26. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?
Once upon a time, then I got over it like sane people do.

27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?
I sent Michael a txt last night but I didn’t get a reply for obvious reasons. He was drunk.

28. Do you get a lot of colds?
Not anymore (:

29. Where is the shirt you are wearing from?

30. Does anyone hate you?
Yeah, but I don’t give a shit.

31. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room?
Nope, just full ones ;D

32. Do you like watching scary movies?
I do, yes.

33. Do you want your tongue pierced?
No. Never. Ew.
I have my tongue webbing done, which is completely different and totally pointless.

34. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?
No thank you. I like to remember the shit mistakes I’ve made so I never make them again.

35. Did you have a dream last night?
I don’t remember it now, but I was confused when I woke.

36. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?

37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?
28 ? I better be married by the time I’m 40 or Celeste and I are getting married and adopting children.

38. Do you think someone has feelings for you?
I know he does. He tells me every day.

39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
I guess not ? I don’t know.

40. Did you have a good day yesterday?
Yesterday was okay, last night was where it was at.

41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship?
Yep (:

42. In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a girl?
I don’t knowwwww. My mother doesn’t count.

43. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?
Yes, but I didn’t feel the same way.

44. What’s the best part about school?
The social side with your friends. That’s it.

45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook?
No. I hide from the internet.

46. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school?
HA ! My best friend in high school and I hated our year 12 math teacher, so we wrote notes, stuck them in handmade envelopes, and then taped them underneath the table we were sitting at. Then we left a pencil note on the top to tell the next people to sit there what was underneath. They wrote back to us (:

47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head?
Good memories only. No point dwelling on the bad.

48. Were you single over the last summer?

49. Is your life anything like it was two years ago?
It’s so much better in ways I can’t explain.

50. What are you supposed to be doing right now?
Nothing. I have the next two days off so I’m staying up late and watching X-Men all night.

51. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?
I love Michael.

52. Are you nice to everyone?
Sure am, unless I have a personal reason as to why not.

53. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?
Michael was unexpected in every way imaginable. Best surprise from life, ever.

54. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?
Done and done.

55. Are you good at hiding your feelings?
I choose not to anymore. Whatever I’m feeling is on display for everyone to see. I don’t hide anything.

56. Do you think you like someone?
I love someone.

57. Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’?
A boy in primary school. Oooooohhhhh, cooties.

58. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys?
Either or. Boys have just as much drama as girls, they hide it better.

59. Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry?
Plenty have. I’m fucking stupid sometimes.

60. Do you hate anyone?
For reasons of my own, yes.

61. How’s your heart?
Pretty damn content with everything.

62. Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?
It’s not that I hate talking about it, it’s just that I don’t enjoy reminding myself of the greatest mistake I’ve ever made.

63. Have you ever cried over a guy?
It’s what happens when you become romantically involved.

64. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now?
Oh, I can name one little snot in particular.

65. Are your toenails painted pink?
No. No pink will ever appear on my nails, unless it’s a pastel soft ballet kind of pink.

66. Will your next kiss be a mistake?
Never is.

67. Girls love it when boyfriends cry; correct?
I don’t like it when people cry at all. I feel uncomfortable and upset that they’re sad. Why would I like that ?

68. Have your pants ever fallen down in public?
I don’t think so, no.

69. Who was the last person you were on the phone with?
Err, txting Michael before.

70. How do you look right now?
Daily work face.

71. Do you have someone you can be your complete self around?
Like all of my friends, ever.

72. Can you commit to one person?
I currently do.

73. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?
I sure as hell do.

74. Have you ever felt replaced?
Yep, but that’s in the past. It doesn’t matter now.

75. Did you wake up cranky?
Slightly annoyed I had work.

76. Are you a jealous person?
Nope. Jealousy implies that there is someone who threatens my happiness, and no one does that. I’m not insecure.

77. Are relationships ever worth it?
If it makes you happy, damnstraight they are.

78. Anyone you’re giving up on?
Nope. I’ve cut the shit people out of my life already.

79. Currently wanting to see anyone?
Yes, I do but it’s not urgent.

80. Name something you have to do tomorrow?
Clean my room.

81. Last person you cried in front of?

82. Is there someone you will never forget?
A lifetime of people.

83. Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you?
Of course. I’ve seen it.

84. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now?
We’d be watching movies, eating something entirely unhealthy, cuddling, probably tickling each other, and making stupid faces at each other.

85. Are you over your past?
Most certainly.

86. Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex?
A lot of people think I have, but you’d be wrong. I’m just super comfortable with them.

87. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to?
Haven’t you already asked this ?

88. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?
I’d take the apology, not the presents. It’d be nice to know he’s sorry for fucking things up just as much as I did. There’s is nothing he could do to make me want to return to that part of my life.

89. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in?
He’d probably be drunk, and I’d be okay with that. We’d probably play 20 Questions while making shadow puppets with the light that leeks in from the street.

90. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?
There was a point where none of my friends wanted anything to do with them. It’s been fixed (:

91. Will you be in a relationship in 2 months?
Unless he changes his mind, I will be.

92. Is there anyone you know with the name Michael?
My boyfriend. Fancy that.

93. Have you ever kissed a Matthew?
Yes, shamefully.

94. Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going?
Yup. It’s kickass awesome.

95. Were you happy with the person you liked in March?
I’m happy with him all the time.

96. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive?
Oh boy is he ever !

97. Who do you have texts from?
I have an iPhone, so from anyone who’s txtd me in the last 6 months or so.

98. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?
“GTFO and let me think about this.” - what he said.

99. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?
You know, I probably haven’t. Ha.

100. Who’s in your profile picture with you?
Just me.

101. Ever kissed under fireworks?
I think so. Maybe ?

102. Has anybody ever given you butterflies?
Ohyes. Many nights spent feeling them flutter around.

Friday, November 11, 2011

What the fuck is with everyone being so judgemental about other people's tattoos ?;

Are they on your body ?

Are they on your body ?

Are they on your body ?

Then shut the fuck up. It doesn't matter to what their tattoo looks like, who they went to, how much they paid, or what their story is behind it. It's not on your fucking body, it's on their's. They've made a decision to have it on their body, not on yours. It's none of your fucking business. I'm 100% positive, as a tattooed person myself, that if I were to publicly shame you for your tattoos, you'd be pretty fucking offended. Don't you dare lay down that "double standard" bullshit. Oh what, so you can poke fun at other people's tattoos but the moment someone says shit about yours, it's game on ? People get tattoos to express themselves, not to impress you.

Get fucked, you pretentious assholes.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

/cue mushy post - and action;

I often reflect over the dramatic changes my current relationship has undergone in the past two and a half years, and only recently did I remember one of my favourite moments along the way.

One night, while trying to sleep alone in my huge bed, I rolled over, stretched out my arms across my mattress, and felt a small dip as my hands glided over the area. I immediately realised it was the rough shape of Michael's body, exactly where he lays when he's sleeping in my bed.

At that point in our relationship, we were fighting over something that is no longer an issue, and in that moment I found his spot in my bed, I realised how much I actually missed him and how pointless our fighting was. Part of him was laying right next to me, and yet he was in his own bed, far away from me. It was like my bed was telling me exactly where he should have been but wasn't because we were both too stupid to put differences aside.

That night I decided to stop trying to change things that were outside of my control. I've been happier ever since, and worry free. I'm glad I found that spot. It's no longer there since he's hardly at my house anymore, but I know it'll be back when we move in together. On those nights he'll be out working and I'll be home trying to sleep, I know I won't feel so lonely now that his spot will be there.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

My heart;

It years for things I cannot afford.
Stupid car breaking down on me. Worst timing ever.

These words you speak;

They weigh a ton. They crush my chest, strangle my neck, and wrestle with my heart. I can feel my insides melting as each syllable nestles itself within me. They burst into flames, igniting and bringing forth a smoke that shrouds and chokes my lungs. I can feel the air popping in my ears, the white silence ringing in my mind, the world becoming a blur before my very eyes. My knees begin to buckle, the ground beneath falls away, and I am at your mercy. My bones ache for you.

These words you speak; they may drown me in a sea of perpetual emotions I've never felt before, but I wouldn't have it any other way. These words you speak; you know their weight in gold, how precious they truly are. These words you speak; they make me feel alive.

I love the way you fumble so delicately with words you're yet to fully understand.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Hip hap hooray !;

In case you were wondering what denotes me as Girlfriend of the Year material, it’s because of what I got Michael for his birthday.

Yes, what you’re looking at is a hand crafted, custom made, Hogwarts Acceptance Letter; a Golden Snitch pocket watch/necklace; and Tom Marvolo Riddle’s Diary.


Saturday, November 5, 2011

My car broke down today;

I missed the house inspection.

The RAA mechanic said my engine is dead. "Better off buying another $400-$500 car instead of wasting $1000+ on fixing the engine."

I cried. I cried. I cried.

I am now even more determined to go to town, forget about it, have a good time, and spend Sunday being hung over.

Monday, I'm calling the mechanics to get it fixed asap. I have work Tuesday, get paid on Thursday, and I need my car back before all of that happens.

Friday, November 4, 2011

What am I; the only person who says they're going to do something, and actually does it ?;

I really wish people who announce their new "lease on life" would think heavily prior to announcing it. Saying your going to commit to everything you agree upon doing, is only helpful to a happier life if you actually do it. Don't boast about how you're going to try new things, do more with your spare time, and all that junk, if you're going to take it back because it's scary and new.

Strapping on a bungee rope to your ankles and walking to the edge is only risky if you actually jump. You accomplish nothing by walking to the edge, become overwhelmed with fear, and turn around with your tail between your legs. You didn't learn anything new, you didn't experience anything new, and you most certainly didn't risk anything. All you did was reaffirm your weaknesses that need a change.

Stop taking back the shit you say you're going to do, or don't say it at all. Save my ears from listening to your empty babble. You always go on and on about how every new year's beginning means it'll be your year. No, no it won't unless you change, and we both know you won't. You like who you are, even though it makes you angry and lonely.

That's it;

Tomorrow morning, I'm waking up at 8am-8:30am, doing a half hour work out, washing my hair properly for the first time in months, going to pretty myself up, and have a good day and night. I will not eat a shitty lunch or dinner, and the only part of my diet that will contain loads of kjs will be alcohol and the mixer.

Bring on Tequilaria.

I've had quite enough of being a fatty these last few months. No more !


I like how I go from having no plans on a Friday night, or rather “reading a book all night” plans, to having a few drinks with Hannah. Since I have no money spare, she’s picking me up and dropping me off home, and buying me a drink.

If Michael and I get the house we want, I can see these sorts of events happening on the regular. I love Summer; none of this happens in winter.

Fuck Friday night;

I'm all about Saturday. I'm having lunch and a bit of a window shopping spree with Sarah at Marion for the first time in mooooonths, going to two house inspections with Michael, one of which we're really excited about, getting ready for town that night with Hannah and possible others, and it's officially 2 and half years for Michael and I.

I am that excited about it, I cannot sit still. Life rules.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011


I support my boyfriend's 80s porn moustache, and so should you ;D
Click to donate to a good cause !

I love being a smart mouth assface when I can;

Mother: Are you working tomorrow ?

Me: You know, my roster is on the fridge for you to check for a reason...

Mother: What's your problem ?

Me: I'm sick of you asking me shit questions all the time. "When are you coming home ? Where are you ? When are you working next ?" blah blah blah blah. You don't even ask how I am anymore, how work is going, how my day was, nothing. Only shit that doesn't matter.

Mother: Well sooooooooooorryyyyy. I won't ask anymore questions. What if something was to happen ?! Then what ?!

Me: Even if something was to happen, YOU WOULDN'T EVEN ASK BECAUSE YOU NEVER DO.

Mother: Just get out of my face ! Go back to your fucking room ! I don't want to look at you !

Me: I would, but you told me to stop being anti-social so now I'm sitting here instead.

Mother: Just get out ! I don't care, I don't want to see your face !

Me: ...then don't look up ?

Mother: For fucks sake, I'm sick of your shit ! Just shut up and go to your room ! I don't want to look at your face !

Me: Then stop looking at me. I'm just sitting here on my laptop, doing nothing that involves you whatsoever.

For the love of the Universe, someone please tell me how the fuck I ended up with a child for a mother !?

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

/embarrassed to the maximum;

Found all my mixed CDs from when I was 17. What the fuck kind of drugs was I on to listen to some of this shit ?! Ohgod, make it stop.

/first CD
Ohfuck, I found all my cheerleader music from high school. Just kill me. Slowly, so in the next life I never make the same mistake.

/second CD
Arethra Franklin ! R.E.S.P.E.C.T BITCHES.
30 Seconds To Mars. Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.
GHOSTBUSTERS ! I loved my movie soundtracks back when I was shit at life.
Waaaah, BODYJAR. All my punk skater music is on this CD. Shitfuck, why don’t I listen to this anymore ?!
Herpaderpa. Brittney Spears is on every girl’s mix CD at some point in life.

/third CD
Ahdear fucking lordy lord. Here comes all the emo music I used to listen to. “Used to.” Who am I kidding ?! I still listen to half of this stuff.

/fourth CD
ATREYU ! I’m keeping this CD for sure. Fucking hell, I miss listening to this every day.

/fifth CD
Well this CD brings back the worst memories of my life. “Better off just friends, better off just dead.” So much New Found Glory. Christ, why did a boy have to make this shitfuck CD for me ?! Memories I had long forgotten have returned. I should probably stop listening to this CD now, but I’m not going to. I want to remember those mistakes I made when I was younger so I’ll NEVER make them again. I knew there was a reason why I didn’t listen to New Found Glory anymore. Good reason.
I’m keeping this CD too.
Okay, maybe not. I found some other music that I didn’t like then, and still don’t. Probably never will.

Monday, October 31, 2011

Fucking fuckfuck. I've gone and done the one thing I promised I'd never let myself do. I've never felt more vulnerable in my life.

Deep down inside, I've always wanted to feel this way. I've always wanted to be this way. And now that I am, I'm fucking terrified it's going to come crumbling down at my feet.

I never, ever, thought I'd find this feeling so early in life. I never thought I'd find it in you. I never thought I'd find it at all.

This is the best thing to ever happen to me, and I'm so fucking scared I'll mess it up. There are so many emotions I'm feeling right now that I'm so confused, it's making me break down.

How am I supposed to go on, knowing that at any moment, you could disappear ?

I think I'm going to throw up.

What the hell is happening to me ?

I hate being in my own home;

So much so that I'd rather cry myself to sleep than stay awake because fuck knows my dreams would be more entertaining and happier than my current reality. I hatehatehate being here. All I want to do is be with Michael at his house. The only reason why I come home at all is to see my cat, and if he could come with me to Michael's, I'd live there instead of here.

My mother and I have never seen eye to eye since I was 17, but everything about being home with her these days just makes me want to curl into foetal position. The only time she ever talks to me is when she wants something from me. I don't even care anymore. I just want out.

I want to be happy, and this house is dragging me down. I feel so fucking depressed here, it's bullshit.

Friday, October 28, 2011

Oh, hello. Yes;


I just want this body back.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Instagram whore;

Love is giving someone the power to destroy you...but trusting them not to;

That is the most pessimistic outlook on love I have ever heard of. It basically sounds like love is this super awesome feeling but it'll kill you if you give it to the wrong person. It's like saying, "Sky diving is jumping out of a plane not knowing if your parachute will actually open... but trusting that it does." Shityes, people get hurt from love, and shityes, people die from sky diving, but the fear isn't the reason why people do it. It's for the thrill. The pure rush you get when suddenly realise, in the split second of a moment, that every little worry you have means absolutely nothing. You feel like you could take on the world. You feel invincible, and that is something no one should be afraid of.

What it should say is this:
Love is giving someone the power to make you happy... and trusting them to do that.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

I'll tell you a secret;

For a very long time I forgot what it was like to feel at home. You know - that homey feeling you get when you're in the right place, at the right time, with all the right people. I forgot what that felt like.
It's actually not that much of a secret, but I don't tell everyone this. And I guess by posting this, it defeats the purpose but shut your mouth.

Everyone feels that at some point during their lives, and for the most of my life, I never really felt like I found home. I always felt like a visitor, like I was passing through, never staying for long. There was always something wrong with the situation, no matter how great the other aspects were. You can't find home with only 2/3 of your house. You need to be in the right place, physically, mentally and emotionally; you need to be there at the right time, always living in that moment before it passes; you need to be with the right people, who feed your happiness and make it grow stronger. You need all of it or it's a half assed place and it'll fall down. I know this because it used to happen to me a lot.

Not anymore. I think I've found it. No, I know I've found it. Everything about life right now makes me content. There are still areas of improvement, but as long as I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, I know it's not over yet. All of me is here right now, physically, mentally and emotionally. I'm not obsessing about past mistakes, I'm not worried or terrified of the future, and I've started taking in appreciation for the beauty in every day. I have the most loving and supportive people in my life right now. Each and every one of them is there for me when I need them, even when I don't, and I couldn't be happier.

I like this feeling. I like being able to wake up in the morning with the knowledge that everything is okay, even if it's really not. If I happen to wake up on the wrong side of bed, at least I know I can always go home. I can go where I feel happiest and safest. All I need is to be in the right place, at the right time, with the right people. I'm lucky enough to know that I don't need to force that. Life just works out in my favour this time.

If this is home, then I want to stay here forever. I want to take this feeling with me wherever I go, whenever I go, with whoever.

Here's a real secret;
If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't feel this way. I'd tell you, but it's not the right time yet. It hasn't been the right time for years now. Soon, I promise. Soon.


Just flipped through the photos Michael and I had done at Stupid 2000 two years ago. Compared them to the recent photo shoot I had done a couple of weeks ago. While I think I physically look better now than I did two years ago, the older photos look a billion times better than the recent ones. I'm so annoyed, disappointed and frustrated.

Providing the weather is lovely on Thursday, I'm going to whore the fuck out of my camera in my backyard just to prove that anyone could take better photos than these recent ones. My Nikon D40 is low-grade in comparison to the Nikon that photographer used.

"Professional photographer" my ass.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Drink, drank, drunk;

This is the most accurate timeline I could pull together of my drunken escapades.
A few drinks here and there
Some dancing
Some giggling
More drinks, more dancing
Bad photos
You get the picture


My mother and her partner have a serious problem with my cat being inside the house. I kicked up a fuss about it for a while but then gave in because fighting over it became too much effort. I'm not one for arguments as they're tiresome and a hindrance on my happiness. Besides, when they're not home or asleep upstairs, I let my cat inside because I'm a badass rebel like that. If it were up to me, my cat would be outside during the day and inside during the night, but it's a losing battle trying to win over such stubborn people.

I came home this afternoon after being away at my boyfriend's all weekend. My mother was pleased to inform me that my cat, Ichigo, had hunted and killed another bird, leaving the evidence scattered all over the back yard. Considering all the time I've spent trying to convince her to let my cat stay inside at night to avoid this, I instantly became irate.

"Well, what do you want me to do about it ? This is exactly why I wanted to keep him inside at night."
"DON'T. Just shut up. I don't want to hear it. Go away !"

My mother; the most immature and idiotic adult I've ever come across. It's like dealing with a 5 year old child when it comes to her. What the fuck did she want me to say ?
Oh, I'm sorry my cat did the most natural thing he knows. My bad for keeping him outside LIKE YOU TOLD ME TO so we can facilitate his hunting instincts. Yes, it is totally my fault and I am ashamed. My cat is a terrible animal for doing the only thing he knows how to do. Whoops-a-daisy !

For the love of heaven, get me the hell out of this house. I cannot deal with another moronic argument like that again. Her stupidity gives me a headache.

Day whatever the fuck I'm up to - your favourite movie and why;

The Shawshank Redemption.

I have a lot of favourite movies, but I think this would have to be right at the top. I love Harry Potter. I love Howl's Moving Castle. I love Hook, The Addams Family, Pirates of the Caribbean, Bill & Ted's Adventures, Back To The Future, Terminator, Black Swan, and all those other movies, but this one would have to be the greatest of them all.

One of my favourite quotes about life comes from this movie;
I have to remind myself that some birds aren't meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up DOES rejoice. Still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they're gone. I guess I just miss my friend.
~ 'Red'
If you don't know what the movie is about, you can read it here. It's only like the best movie of all time according to IMDB. Why is it my favourite movie of all time ? I don't know. It just is. I guess because it's about a man who was found guilty and sent to jail for a crime he didn't commit. Because he made the most of his shit situation. Because in the end, he outsmarted everyone and escaped. Because, not only did he escape, but his friend was freed too, and they lived a perfectly happy life afterwards. Because, at one point in the movie, it shows you how fucked up life on the outside can be once you've been institutionalised for the greater part of your life. Because it's based on a true story; a recount of a real man's life. I know it's not 100% fact, but it's an amazing story about always staying positive, about perseverance, about finding friendships that last a lifetime.

I have plans for a tattoo in relation to that quote. One day, I'll have a constant reminder of this movie on me.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011


It reads the following:

"His finger tips danced along my spine; my heart was the beat and my sighing breath the melody. It was almost as if he were chasing the feelings he was bringing to life. I wasn't ever sure if what I felt was real at all. No one had ever made those feelings known within the depths of my soul. It frightens me unlike any other fear I've ever encountered. I'm terribly afraid he'll make a home within my soul; a place only he knows of. And I'm afraid that one day that home will be too small for him. He'll want to leave, to find another home, a bigger home, with more sunshine and less stormy weather. A place that's not only his home, but a holiday destination where he can take a load off and relax. The idea that I could ever be that dwelling is frightening. The last thing I want is to disappoint him. If I'm going to become that special place, I want to be everything he ever wanted and more. I want to fulfill his every need and desire, but I also want to give him things he wouldn't have thought about previously. I want the sunshine to beam through his homey windows and I want it to show him things he has turned a blind eye to. He would never feel the need to holiday elsewhere. I would be his everything. And then, one day he'd leave without a trace. His bags would magically be packed over night, the dust marks visible from where things once were. I'll see where he used to lay, the place in which he fed, the glorious floor he would stand upon while in bare flesh, the place where all his dreams became animated after the sun bid farewell. I'd be shown the cruel emptiness that used to be so humbly overflowing with honesty, trust, lust, security, soul, dreams, but most of all - Love. Love would no longer live inside my soul. Love will have died, rusted, and eroded along with all the walls, floors and roof. Nothing would remain but an empty nothingness.


Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Like a boss;

Michael's called me last night to convince me to come into his work and drink cocktails, since they finished early and all that jazz. I figured why the hell not, and drove my lazy ass down there. The bar is one of my favourites, purely because there are fairy lights lining the roof of it. It looks really pretty and sets a calmness to the place. We had about 5 or so cocktails each, which is roughly 10 standard drinks per person. We then played several games of Pool, which I sort suddenly got better at as I drank. I thought I'd be rusty but I was pulling some pretty awesome shots. Michael, well he sunk the black ball at least twice, haha. The last time we checked the clock it was 2:25am. I think we got home shortly after that, but it must have been like 3am by the time we went to sleep. I may have been a little intoxicated and made a fool of myself, but I had too much fun to give a fuck. Best Monday night out I've ever had.

Tumblr video accent challenge thingy;

Your name and username. Where you’re from.

Pronounce the following words: Aunt, Roof, Route, Theater, Iron, Salmon, Caramel, Fire, Water, New Orleans, Pecan, Both, Again, Probably, Alabama, Lawyer, Coupon, Mayonnaise, Pajamas, Caught, Naturally, Aluminium, GIF, Tumblr, Crackerjack, Doorknob, Envelope, GPOY.

What is it called when you throw toilet paper on a house? What is a bubbly carbonated drink called? What do you call gym shoes? What do you call your grandparents? What do you call the wheeled contraption in which you carry groceries at the supermarket? What is the thing you change the TV channel with?

Choose a book and read a passage from it.

Do you think you have an accent? Be a wizard or a vampire? Do you know anyone on Tumblr in real life?

End audio post by saying any THREE words you want.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Sex in a relationship - is it really that important ?;

Let's start off with a basic rule of thumb:
Sex does not always mean love, and love does not always mean sex.
On a personal level, sex in a relationship is sitting near the very top of the list I have for, "What makes a relationship successful and last long term." It's not at the very top, but it's pretty damn close. For me, connecting with another person on a level I don't share with anyone else must work perfectly. If I'm going to have sex with you, it's because I want to bring you closer to me than anyone else. It's why I don't have frequent casual sex with boys whose names I don't remember. That's just my opinion. I don't care if you engage in promiscuous encounters on the regular; not my business and most certainly not my body.

I don't think intimacy is the only factor when it comes to sex - physical satisfaction is 100% required and relevant. Trust me on this one. If the sex is bad, then the relationship will fail. That's part of the reason why I broke up with my ex-boyfriend. Sex goes bad > relationship goes bad > everything ends. If you've ever had bad sex, you'd know exactly what I'm talking about. It will eventually turn you off that person. Being around them makes you feel uncomfortable, and when you get down to doing the naughty business, you'd rather nail your foot to the ceiling than go through with the horizontal boogie.

That said, I don't have a problem with going without sex. It's not a daily requirement, and if it doesn't happen that night, then it doesn't happen. I don't need it to feel good about my relationship. And quite frankly, speaking as a woman, I'm rather used to postponing plans thanks to "Aunt Flow," if you know what I mean. Sure, it's fun, it feels fucking fantastic, and it can bring two people closer together, but it doesn't ultimately make up a happy, loving, honest, trustworthy relationship.

You can still have a successful and long term relationship with someone without sex, but it's all personal preference. It's the one time, I personally feel, that I can synchronise my body with my boyfriend's. And it feels on-top-of-the-world amazing.

Things that went wrong today;

  1. I woke up feeling like absolute shit.
  2. I spent the better half of my morning routine laying in bed and lurking Facebook on my iPhone instead of getting ready for work.
  3. Accidentally raised my max bid to $150 on that typewriter, then filled out a form to have it removed.
  4. Lost my car keys [yes, I had a panic attack but I wasn't angry.]
  5. Left home 5 minutes later than normal and put myself behind schedule.
  6. Spilled my hot cup of tea on my hand while driving.
  7. Was running behind schedule at work also.
  8. Particular resident was being incredibly selfish and rude today.
  9. I was left in charge of the heaviest ward at work today.
  10. I lost my keys to my padlock on my locker for a good 5 minutes [yes, I went into panic mode again.]
  11. Realised I could put my heart and soul into being friends with you but you’d still snob me anyway.
  12. I had to hold a full bladder from 10am until 12:30pm because I was too busy at work to pee.
  13. The dickhead who basically boxed me in while I was trying to pump up my car tires.
  14. Knowing I wouldn't win that eBay auction on that typewriter because it became more expensive than I was willing to pay. Also, friend of mine has one she’ll sell to me so it works out.
  15. Hearing all about the great time I missed out on last night.
  16. Finding out that the free intro night to the dance course I’m interested in doesn't have an office open on weekends, and therefore I cannot check to see if there are any bookings free for me to attend.
  17. In addition, I cannot apply for the dance course because I don’t have a working version of Word on my laptop.
  18. As I write this, my stomach is eating itself because I’m starving.
Eighteen things went wrong today, and not a single one of them pissed me off. What a difference two solid nights of sleep make. Fingers crossed that sleeping the whole night becomes a regular thing once again. I’d like to stop taking the sleeping pills now.

Friday, October 14, 2011

Day Old Hate;

I need to get this shit out of my head. I'm never going to sleep with it there. These thoughts, they're trying their damn hardest to escape, and I'm getting too tired to fight them off. I need to stop holding back. I need to be free.

I don't know where this is going. Right now, everything that's happening is new to me. I don't have a single fucking clue as to what I'm doing, or what I want anymore. I'm so lost. You'd think this was a bad thing, but if you really understood how I'm feeling, I think you'd change your mind. I'm terribly afraid that I'm beginning to want more than what people can give me. I'm turning into that demanding person you hate so much, who I hate so much. I'm so fucking scared I'm going to get in way over my head and feel like I'm drowning in you. And the saddest part of it all is that I'm even more frightful of finding out you could give me everything I ever wanted, when it's all been and done. Mostly, I'm scared that I'm going to start seeing you in places where no one else has ever been before. I'm scared that if I do, and you go away one day, that I'll be destroyed in an instant. No one's ever had that kind of power over me, and you don't even realise it.

Fuck you. Just, fuck you. Seriously. You cause so much more trouble than you're worth, and you know it. You know you're being a fucking pain in the ass, but you don't give a shit. You don't give a fucking shit about anyone else, at all. All you care about is how this affects you, how you're feeling, how you're so fucking alone when everyone else has someone. You're fucking sad and pathetic. You can play nice and all that bullshit, but no one believes you. You've got your friends fooled, but that's it. How the fuck do you sleep at night knowing what bullshit stunts you pull ? How the fuck do you wake up and smile at your reflection in the mirror ? How the fuck does the guilty of your filthy actions not consume you whole ? Go and cry about how everyone suddenly has no time for you. How people are being mean and pushing you away. Cry me a fucking river, bitch. I couldn't give a fuck less about how you feel. It's no one's problem but your own. Stop trying to put yourself back in a place that's no longer yours. It never will be again.

I'm so fucking sick of your shit. The only time you talk to me is when I have information you want. You don't care about a single thing going on in my life. Stop pretending like you do. I'm done trying to play "house." This hasn't been working for so many months and you know it. You know it's been on the decline for a long time, but you're so wrapped up in your own selfish life that you don't give a fuck. It's such a disappointment to me. You're such a disappointment. When I'm gone, you're going to miss me. You will. But I won't miss you, I won't. I'll be free from your double standard bullshit. I won't have to deal with you butting your nose in places it doesn't belong. I won't have to put up with you secretly being nice to me. I won't have to deal with anything that comes with having to see you on an almost daily basis.

Yeah, you're right - I'm fucking afraid you're going to take this from me. I have every fucking right to feel that way, and not to trust you. What the fuck have you done to prove me otherwise ? Nothing. You've done absolutely nothing to change my opinion of you. You think that by saying hello to my face that I'll suddenly think you're a lovely person ? Bullshit. You condescending little fuck. I don't care how much of a better person you are now. I don't care about the valuable life lessons you've learnt on your way to fucking up your life. I don't give a fucking shit about how you've changed for the better. Until you actually back the fuck off and leave everything the way it is now, I won't think any more of you. You're the lowest of the lows.

I know exactly what you're doing. You'd be stupid to think I didn't see this coming. I've been waiting a very long time for this to happen. I know it'd only be a matter of time before you'd play this card, and how fucking right I was. You're just as predictable as I've always thought. Years later, you haven't changed at all. You're going to play nice, you're going to try and win your way back in the good books, not just with them and everyone else, but me too, and you're going to leave once again, because that's your fucking style. And when you do leave, because we all know you will, you'll be wishing that everyone will miss you enough to chase you. You hope that by that point in time, people will have welcomed you back into their hearts with arms wide open, and you'll try to use that to your advantage. You'll make people think that they're fucking unhappy with their lives because you're not apart of it again. It won't fucking work. Go ahead and try it. No, really, do. I'd like to see how this will pan out, because we both know it won't be in your favour.

I hate the fact that you don't like me purely because you're doing the "good best friend" thing instead of being a good person in general. You're taking sides in this when you don't even have a clue what you're siding against. You don't know the first thing about me, only what terrible things people have spun about me. You know they're all lies, yet you still believe them because, hey, that's what best friends do. You're going to go against me because you don't know me. Because I'm not exactly like you're best friend. Because I'm fucking better at being who people need me to be than your best friend ever was. And it terrifies you to think that we could actually be friends, because that would feel like betraying your best friend. Not because that's how you actually feel, because everyone knows you're not a spiteful person, but because your best friend is, and they would never forgive you for being kind to me. You can't even be the really kind person you are naturally because you're too concerned about what others think, instead of what you think of yourself. It's such a fucking shame because I've heard nothing but good things about you, sweet things, lovely things. Honest and real things about you that make me want to know who you really are. You're not even willing to give me a chance. You'd rather save yourself the risk, and that's pathetic.

I think I've said all I can for one night. My sleeping pill is starting to make me feel drowsy, and I really should ride that into sleep. All in all, there are a fuck load of motherfuckers that piss me off, myself included. My best friends, my boyfriend, and my brother are the only good people I have. Everyone else has fucked it up. Fucked it up good and proper.