they say you don't know what you got 'til it's gone / / they say that your darkest hour comes before your dawn

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Wilde; Oscar Wilde;

"They spoil every romance by trying to make it last forever."

Post Script:
Something, deep down inside of me, is shifting. Bubbling around in the bottom of a part of me I didn't know existed. I'm both excited and afraid, and I'm not sure how that's quite possible.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Real Eyes Realise Real Lies;

To be honest, I can't even remember the last time I told a lie. I guess I'm not average.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Hottest 100;

Angus & Julia Stone - Big Jet Plane.

This song was voted Triple J's Hottest 100 for 2010 on Australia Day. I cried from excitement, happiness, and pure love. They are fantastic recorded and their live performances are out-of-this-world amazing. I don't care if people think it was a bad song, I still love them. Sure, it's probably not their best song, but that album was the highest selling album for 2010, so you can shove your poor opinions up your butt. Knowing they've received such an honorary title is bewildering. Definitely the highlight of the year for me, and 2011 has only just begun. It's going to take a lot to top this.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Excessive Punctuation;

Nothing infuriates me more than someone who uses exclamation marks and/or question marks multiple times !!! You know what I mean ??? Like, seriously ! Knock it off ! You're really starting to annoy me, okay ? I hate you, I really do ! You seriously do not mean to exclaim every thing you say ! It's not like you're so enthusiastic about it !

Omg, I'm at the beach today ! It's so awesome ! Everyone should be here !

No ! No, fuck you ! You are not over-the-moon happy about it ! You're not !!!! Oh, and another thing ! I hate people who end sentences with smiley faces or exclamation/question marks, but never a full stop D: All of their sentences look like this :S It's confusing and annoying ! Do you have any idea how stupid you look ? No, probably not because you're an idiot -______-'

Look at that shit. It's an abomination on the English language. It's painful to read. The little voice inside my head that I hear when I read keeps yelling at me, or ending sentences with a high pitch as to question something that's really more of a statement.

How you made it through high school with literacy skills like that is beyond me, let alone actually graduate. People like you annoy the shit out of me, and I'd slap you if I could. Shame you're a good friend of mine and that'd be out of line.
Wait, no. Fuck you. Your literacy skills are out of line. I have no respect for morons like you.
I ! Seriously ! Do ! Not !

Monday, January 24, 2011

Change of Pace;

My lovely friend, Hannah, created a YouTube account and has started her own vlog [video blog for those who don't know]. You can check her's out at For The Nocturnal. I figured if Hannah can do it, then so can I. Here's the introduction to my vlog. It's not very good and I had no idea what to say. I'm mostly doing it for the laughs and I probably won't take it as seriously as this. I'll probably vlog once a week, or something, about the day-to-day things that go on in my life. I'd appreciate some constructive criticism from everyone because, let's be honest here, I'm terrible at public speaking. If I had a choice, I'd rather write the speech and let someone else read it. Enjoy !

This is what I look like without my hair done or any make up on.
And this is what I meant when I said I'm social retarded.
I can't even talk to a webcam -_____-'

Wednesday, January 19, 2011


For the first time in all my life, I'm behind on paying my bills. I've now reached a point where I'm broke. Quite literally this time. I am not being a sook. I had to pay my phone bill today, which left me with $10. My internet rolls over today/tonight, which means the bill will be due soon. I need $70 to pay for that, which I don't have. The other week I had to borrow $60 off Mother to get my medication. There's probably nothing weaker than borrowing money from my mother in my eyes. Actually, crying when people can see is the weakest thing, but this comes a close second. Even with the extra $70 I got from someone who owes me, I still end up with close to zero.
And I don't get my government payment until Tuesday. If I remember to do it on time, unlike previously.

If you know me well, you'd know I hate the concept of borrowing money from other people. I'm okay to lend it out to others, but as for me, I'd rather nail my foot to the ceiling. I don't like showing my weaknesses, to anyone. Even admitting it to myself makes me want to cry, which would be okay since I'm currently home alone. It's actually not okay, I shouldn't be so stressed about it, but whatever. I can cry as much as I want, so long as I don't start harming myself.

On the bright side - I guess no money means a whole lot of Super Mario nights for a while. I'm okay with that. Also, I handed out 18 resumes today, and applied for 10 jobs online yesterday. Fingers crossed I hear back from at least one very soon. Tomorrow there will be more. And I'll continue until either a) I get a job; or b) I run out of places to apply. I hope it's the prior rather than the latter.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Black Milk;

I love unique pieces of clothing. And by unique, I don't mean something you pick up from the op-shop, I mean real designers out there making one off pieces. And I've found a designer I absolutely love - Black Milk Clothing. Designers like these are hard to find, and hard to afford, but the expensive price helps build a label, and I'm okay with that. After all, I'd rather help a small Australian designer than a well developed overseas designer. "From little things, big things grow."

Here's a few of my favourites, that'll probably consume most of my pay cheque:

Black Ribs $85
White Skull $85
Pulp Sesame $85
Leg Bones $70
Crystal Shorts $35
Galaxy Shorts $50
Red Galaxy Leggings $70
Ohmang, if only I had a job. Then I could buy all of these and rejoice. I want those Leg Bones leggings and that Black Bones body suit the most. Merrrrh. Need. Job. ASAP.

Monday, January 17, 2011

From her lips I heard her say, "Can I have you ?" Caught up on what to say, I said you do;

Mango Tree- Angus & Julia Stone.

If I had to pick one song as the soundtrack to my life, it would be this. I would chop off my left arm to meet them. They're my favourite artist of all time and this song is by far my favourite. I don't know what it is about it that I love so much.

I suppose it's because it describes the old cliché way of love. That cute photo you take, under the shade of a tree, with the sunshine behind you, and your love next to you. The way you ask a person to be with you, not just assume that that's where everything is heading. Seeing something as rare and magical as a shooting star to reaffirm what you feel is real. Carving a love heart into the bark of a tree with your initials inside, forever a reminder of who you are together. The innocence of it all, the freedom, the happiness, the unaltered connection you have with someone. The way you willing allow someone to not only share their life with you, but for you to share yours. How you learn to love and grow together. How someone can bring out the best in you, and make you feel invincible. That moment you realise you're a better person because of them.

That's what this song makes me believe in - Love.

A Letter to My Boyfriend;

This photo makes me laugh more than anything.
It's one of my favourites.
I'm sorry I hog the bed all the time when we're asleep. I promise when we have our own place that I'll let you hog the bed all you want.
I'm sorry for all the times I prove you wrong. I promise next time I'll admit you're right.
I'm sorry for making you watch movies that you don't like. I promise to watch whatever movie you want next time.
I'm sorry for the retarded way I dance in public. I promise I'll only do it in the car where no one can see.
I'm sorry for always thinking that I'm annoying you. I promise when we live together, it won't happen.
I'm sorry for dragging you out to town with me on occasion. I promise the next time you don't want to go that we'll stay in.
I'm sorry for making you watch Bleach all over again. I promise to catch up quickly.
I'm sorry for stealing your clothes whenever I stay at yours. I promise to buy a pair of pjs just for yours.
I'm sorry I take ages getting ready when we go out. I promise I'll just go as I am more often.
I'm sorry that my hair always gets in your face. I promise to tie it up instead.
I'm sorry I'm always late. I promise to be more organised from now on.
I'm sorry for all the times you catch me staring at you. I promise to be more sneaky ;D
I'm sorry that I get all awkward on the phone when you call me. I promise I'll find things to talk about more often.
I'm sorry for making you drive everywhere so I can eat take away. I promise I won't be so lazy anymore.
I'm sorry for when Ichigo annoys you when you're trying to sleep. I promise to train him to behave better.
I'm sorry I'm taking so long to get you your puppy. I promise that it'll happen, and we'll be a happy family.
I'm sorry for all the times I've been too tired to stay out late with you. I promise I'll drink an energy drink to keep me up.
I'm sorry for taking round-a-bouts too quickly in the car and making you hit your head on the window. I promise I'll be more gentle.
I'm sorry for each time I've cried in front of you. I promise you will never see me that weak ever again.
I'm sorry I make you look after me when I'm drunk. I promise I'll be more responsible.
I'm sorry for taking you shopping with me. I promise I won't go to a billion shops anymore.
I'm sorry for constantly asking you if I'm turning into an evil controlling girlfriend. I promise I'll be more confident that I'm doing a good job.
I'm sorry that I always tell you how surprised I am at how warm you are whenever you hug me. I promise I'll whisper it more quietly ;)
I'm sorry for the times I zone out when you're talking to me. I promise I'll pay more attention to what's going on.
I'm sorry for all the times you ask me to do something, and I say yes, only to forget. I promise to write a note on my hand so I never forget again.
I'm sorry for all the times I've called you "cute". I promise to say "adorable" instead.
I'm sorry that I talk in my sleep. I promise I'll try to keep it down.
I'm sorry that I constantly take photos of us together. I promise I'll tone it down a bit.
I'm sorry that losing my job meant postponing us moving out together. I promise to find another one asap.
I'm sorry for the time I lost your trust. I promise it won't happen again.
I'm sorry for the rare times we've fought. I promise I'll be more understanding in future.
I'm sorry if I've ever hurt you, at all. I promise to love you for as long as we're together.
I'm sorry for all the things that go wrong for you, and being unable to do anything to help. I promise from now on, that I'll do everything humanly possible to make your life better.

P.S: I'm also sorry for listing so many things. I know you're going to tell me I'm being silly. But still, I wanted you to know.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Play Date Love;

Although Michael and I have been together for nearly two years, we still go on dates. This weekend was one of those times, and we had the best time. We started Saturday with lunch in China Town, we boosted off to Ikea [where I unfortunately spent too much money], then we relaxed for a bit before we headed off to the movies for Due Date. Sunday entailed of a lengthy sleep in, a quick dart into Marion [because the batteries we bought were the wrong size], sipped on some Boost Juice, purchased Need For Speed's newest release, we walked up and down Harbour Town unable to find what we were looking for, then finished the day trip off with a leisurely walk through Rundle Street Markets and Rundle Mall [where I also spent more money than I should have].

Here's what this weekend has consumed: There's my SNES, which I brought home with me today, and Super Mario Bros.; the new alarm clock I bought from Ikea [got one for Michael too]; caramel popcorn from a stall in Rundle Street Markets [I eat popcorn like there's no tomorrow]; A Clockwork Orange, which I finished yesterday; The Happy Prince and Other Stores, Lady Chatterley's Lover, and The Perks of Being a Wallflower, all of which I purchased at Dymocks after I said I'd only buy one book; new Ikea lamp and light globes which you can't see very well; Wreck This Journal book, which I also got from Dymocks [/sigh]; and knee high grey socks from Dotti. Oh, and the Ikea pillow which most of this is laying on top of.
Hello. My name's Bianca, and I'm a shopaholic [thanks to Michael's pleasant idea of a little retail therapy].

All in all, it was a great weekend. I took my camera with me but only took one photo. I was too busy having fun with Michael to care about anything else.
While in Ikea, looking at the pretend houses, we found this.
It's a moose propped over a toilet bowl.
We giggled for so long.
Today, I start reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I remember the shocking feeling I got when I asked a girl at the book store if they had it in stock, only to hear, "I've never heard of that book before." How one works there without knowing one the most popular books of all time is beyond my knowledge. Also, to the countless Angus & Robertson Books stores SA wide, and to every other little book store I ventured into over the past couple of days, I'd like to say one thing - FUUUUU ! I had to go to Rundle Mall to find one book ! ONE ! Because you were all out of stock/didn't even stock it ! How tiresome.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Vampires & Werewolves;

When you fall I'll be the only one who looks away.
When you call I'll be the first to tell you I can't stay.
It's all over, I've found a better way,
to help keep you from me.
I'm better off this way.

Dear monsters, ghosts, vampires, werewolves & demons inside my mind,

Please note, that as from today, I've found a way to overcome you. Your stay has been long and tiresome, and it's about time you vacated the vicinity. I'm exhausted from your constant battles to win over my every thought. I'm sick and tired of crying myself to sleep, and doubting everything and everyone. You crept in and before I knew it, you took over. My life has been a living hell since we first met, and I'm not putting up with it. I don't want this anymore - I never did.

No longer will you ruin my happiness. No longer will you keep me up at night, constantly thinking about running away. No longer will I doubt anything, anyone, or myself. I am not afraid of you. Every time you start something, I am going to kill you off. One by one, you're all going to drop, and I'm going to get myself back. You can't keep me locked away anymore. I want to be myself without you. No, I will be myself without you. I don't need you - I never did.

I am far stronger than you anticipated. The mind games stop now. I am better off without you. Eat my shorts.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

"Strength of character means the ability to overcome resentment against others, to hide hurt feelings, and to forgive quickly."

"Being young means you're still naive. That's why it feels like you're soaring in the sky or sinking beneath the ocean when someone you admire betrays you. Those emotions control your entire life, and can make you lose sight of who you are. By growing older, your heart grows more experienced. You grow one step farther away from being controlled by your feelings and are able to keep from soaring in the sky or sinking to the depths of the ocean. That is what it means to grow older."

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Hello There;

I am not so sure of myself anymore.
I keep holding on to bad memories for no reason.
I wish I could become more dedicated to my passions.
I love my boyfriend, an incredible amount. As well as my family and friends (:
I dance like I'm retarded.
I sing terribly ! I let Michael do all the singing.
I think way too much for my own good.
I really need a break away from everything.
I should be more positive.
I can become too much for some people, even myself.
I like to cook food for the people I love.
I make the best pancakes ever. No, really !
I always lose sight of what's important in life. I need to focus on the good, and not let the bad stuff get to me anymore. I need to let go. I keep telling myself but I never listen.

Seedy Sunday Regurgitation;

Saturday night included the following:

1 vodka and lemonade
1 vodka and pineapple
4 Gummy Bear shots
2 Fresh Pussy shots
3 Toohey's Extra Dry beers

It all amounts to a moderately intoxicated Bianca, after waiting several hours for the alcohol to kick in. Michael told me I had to pace myself more often when I drink, because I usually end up passing out by 1am after a whole bottle of vodka/red wine/tequila/whatever else I choose to drink. I took his word of advice, and although I managed to achieve this on NYE, Saturday night's town adventure was not the same. In fact, once 1am kicked in, I felt tipsy to say the least. Unfortunately for me, and somewhat fortunately for everyone else, I was pretty much drunk once Michael decided he wanted to go home.

Things got a little bit messy when we eventually arrived at his. I say "eventually" because our taxi driver was an absolute moron and purposely tried to take the long way home. Asshole. I have this incredibly annoying issue when I drink - I get worse in moving vehicles - so when we got to his, I was in a sore state. I got a bit of vom up and passed out in bed. Woke up pretty much feeling the exact same, which hardly ever happens. I experienced a hangover for the 5th time or so. I don't usually get hangovers despite however much I drink, so this morning was horrid for a while. Then I remembered accidentally getting hit in the face last night when I leant on my bruise. Still tender.

And after all of this, I learnt two things; one which brought me up, and the other dragged me down. Part of me wishes it was the other way around, but there's nothing I can do about it. No point wishing on things that won't happen.

Oh, and a random guy offered to buy Izzy and I vibrators once I (mockingly) pointed out that the sex shop we were standing in front of was having a sale. HA ! I wonder if Izzy remembers...

Saturday, January 8, 2011

"The Perfect Being, Was it ?;

There's no such thing as perfect in this world. That may sound cliché, but it's the truth. The average person admires perfection and seeks to obtain it. But, what's the point of achieving perfection ? There is none. Nothing. Not a single thing. I loathe perfection ! If something is perfect, then there is nothing left. There is not room for imagination. No places left for a person to gain additional knowledge or abilities."

I hope I never reach perfection. I would hate to know that that's the end of who I am. There would be nothing more for me. Life, in itself, would seem meaningless.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Do You Believe in Life After Death?;

This is a hard question for me. My belief in this world lies somewhere between agnostic and atheist. I whole heartedly don't believe there's a God, or higher power, but I believe people have the ability to perceive the world in a more spiritual way. My belief in reincarnation and likewise lies more scientific than it does spiritually, and I guess that's how I ended up in the middle of the two. Everything in the world has an energy to it, and no matter if it's living or inanimate, it's all the same. When I die, that energy breaks down and becomes something else - something new. It's almost like we live on forever in one way or another. I don't think there's life after death in the way religion and spirituality say, but I don't think we're completely utterly dead when we die. If you know what I mean.
I think too much like a nerd for my own good.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

The Maccabees Make Me Happy;

 Lay with me, I'll lay with you
We'll do the things that lovers do
Put the stars in our eyes
And with heart shaped bruises
And late night kisses

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

A Picture is Worth a Thousdand Words;

I am the luckiest girl in the universe
to share my life with these amazing people.
They are the very core of my existence.
They bring out the best in me.

I'd just like to point out that they've obviously swapped clothes ;3

Monday, January 3, 2011


I have come to the harsh realisation that I no longer allow myself to be content. Every time I feel it, I somehow break it down with depressing emotions. I sabotage my own happiness for a reason unbeknown to myself. Maybe I'm living too closely to the old saying, "If it's too good to be true, it probably is." Maybe I'm afraid of being happy. Maybe I'm afraid of becoming reliant on others to supply my happiness. Maybe I'm afraid to allow someone to become my "everything". I have what I want, why can't I be happy with that ?
It's days like these that remind me of what a horrible person I can be at times. I need to get my head sorted out asap.
And here I was, telling myself that Buddha's quote would save me...

I Know What's Going On;

Every time I realise you're still hiding it from me, a little part of me dies on the inside. It's like you create a lie without having to speak a word. After everything, you still don't trust me, do you ? You know what ? I don't care. Not now, not before, not ever. Go ahead and pretend like you're not doing anything wrong, like it doesn't matter, like you believe yourself to be good. If you weren't so ashamed of what you're doing, you wouldn't hide it. Think about it. If it all comes undone, you'll have no one else to blame but your untrustworthy and dishonest self.

P.S: Today's quote of the day -
"Those who are free of resentful thoughts surely find peace" ~ Buddha. 
Hello mantra for the year.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Dear Drunk Guys at Dance Music Festivals;

If I am standing in a certain spot, don't you dare think you can push me aside so you can see better. I go to metal shows, and push harder than you. If you ever get in my way again, or knock me one in the head, I'll take my fist, ram it into your face, and bleed you dry. Do not fuck with me.

"A New Year, A Fresh Start";

I don't know why people wait until New Year's before they decide to do anything about improving their lives. I mean, why wait ? Why not just act when the problem first arises ? I couldn't imagine finding an issue with my life at the beginning of the year and then having to wait a whole year before I did something about it. People are afraid of change and finding the courage to do what they want. Why waste a whole year waiting and being miserable for one special day to come and change things ? People are lazy and content with being miserable so they can rake in all the sympathy they can get. Then they expect to be congratulated and rewarded emotionally when they actually get off their butts and do something about it. Change isn't about receiving rewards from others, it's about rewarding yourself with a happier life.

Though, in the spirit of 2011 beginning, I'll list my New Year's Resolutions. Here goes.
  1. Legally change my name to Bianca Rose Addams [this is a reoccurring resolution because, as mentioned above, I'm one of those lazy people].
  2. Stretch my ears to 14mm. Currently at 8mm & 10mm. Almost there.
  3. FINALLY move out of home. This is where a lot of my pay will be going. 
  4. Holiday in Fiji. With or without someone, I am going. I have 9 months to save, I can do this.
  5. More tattoos. Lots more. Most of my savings will be divided between this and #4.
  6. Take my photography a little bit more seriously and start writing a novel - subject of said novel is in the works.
There. I think that's everything I want to accomplish in a year. Not too much to ask for, and I have plenty of time. 365 days is more than I need.