they say you don't know what you got 'til it's gone / / they say that your darkest hour comes before your dawn

Friday, February 25, 2011

Let's Clarify Something Here;


Say you once were in a relationship with Mr A, and you were madly in love with him but things didn't work out. You took the break up pretty hard and tried everything you could to get Mr A back. Unfortunately, he's already moved on and you're left feeling empty.

Along comes Mr B, who doesn't really interest you all that much but, hey, he's paying you attention so why not. You start hanging out with Mr B only to eventually realise you kind of like him more than just friends. And so, you and Mr B start a relationship. Soon enough, after what most people would say is "too soon," you drop the I Love You statement, and he says it back. You go on telling yourself that you love him, that he's the one for you, all the while deep down inside, something's amiss.

You're still in love with Mr A.

You tell yourself there's no harm in that. They're just feelings, and as long as you don't act on them, you're okay. Yet, every time Mr A comes back into your life, either by saying hello, or by being at the same event as you, your heart can't help but skip a beat. You know you're still in love with him, and you're not ashamed of it. You know he's the one you'll never get over, the one you believe can make you the happiest. He's the one you compare everyone to, the one you question why he doesn't love you. He's the one you believed to be love at first sight. You go ahead and tell Mr A how you feel and hope that he feels the same way. Mr A already has a new girlfriend, and she's not anything like you. You get jealous, throw a tantrum and swear you'll never talk to him again.

Question: You forgot you're still in a relationship with Mr B, didn't you ?

This is what I like to call emotional cheating.
This occurs more often that you think. In fact, I know of two girls currently in this phase. It's wrong on so many levels. You're probably going to tell me that I'm stupid and it doesn't count as cheating because nothing physical happened, and you were shut down. Mr A never acted on it, and he tried to make it stop.

WRONG

That still doesn't make what you're doing okay. In fact, in my opinion, I think emotional cheating is probably worse than physically cheating on someone. See, physical cheating takes two people. You have to engage in a sexual act with another person. Emotional cheating is purely one-sided. To be more specific, emotional cheating only happens because YOU'RE DOING IT. Mr A wants nothing to do with getting back together, but you still won't let those feelings go. You're still in love with Mr A all the while telling Mr B that he's the only one. Bull-fucking-shit.

The two girls I know who are currently in this phase will deny it until the end of time. Fact is, they're lying to everyone and they know it. The worst part of all is that they don't feel horrible for the way they feel.

"He's my first true love and you never stop loving them."

Oh really ? Is that the best excuse you can come up with ? Then why the hell are you in another relationship, telling someone else that you're in love with them ? How the fuck can you justify your actions ?! You can't. And let me tell you something - not everyone remains in love with their first true love. I most certainly am not, and I know countless other people who aren't either. Brushing it off as some old romantic flame is not okay. You know that if Mr B was doing the same behind your back, you'd feel used, betrayed, lied to, and hurt beyond comprehension. Because you believe Mr B truly loves you.

There is no social standard that would allow for this. The basis of a relationship lay on important factors - commitment, loyalty, trust, and honesty. If you lack the ability to be honest, then the other factors fall to pieces. How can you say you're committed when you're emotionally tied to someone else ? How can you say your loyal when you're chasing someone else ? How can you say you're trustworthy when you're hiding this from your partner ? How can you say you're honest when you're lying about who you're in love with ? I just don't understand how a fucked up situation like this can seem normal to you.

Let me propose a situation to prove that this is completely wrong - Go ahead and tell Mr B that you're still in love with Mr A. Do it. See how Mr B reacts. Tell me, do you think he'd take it well ? No, he wouldn't. He'd get angry and break up with you. I told you it's wrong. If the emotions you have for Mr A are not acceptable, then why keep doing it ?

"He's my first true love and you never stop loving them."

You keep telling yourself that, sweetheart. When Mr B leaves you because he knows something's up, don't try the sympathy act. It will get you nowhere. Mr A will certainly not give a shit about how alone and empty you feel. Remember, he's got a new girlfriend that's nothing like you. Mr A has no reason to take you back because he doesn't love you. Mr A is committed, loyal, trustworthy and honest with his girlfriend. Qualities you know you want in a relationship, but can't offer. You're pathetic.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Not-So-Interesting Facts;

So I did another vlog, after not updating for like a month. I blame my video editing program because, as much as I wanted to upload to YouTube, my video editing program thought otherwise. *Asshole. Anyhoo, here it is. Now you can learn some new things about me, that you already probably knew.
Oh, and I tried to be more like my usual self, so expect a lot of giggles. I giggle at pretty much everything. It's a nervous reaction I have.

P.S: I got my research assignment for my Aged Care course. I heard rumours that it was only 500 words, and freaked out because that's not enough to say what you need to say. Turns out, 500 words is the minimum expected word limit ! I have never had an assignment with a minimum word limit. I assume, since this is a biology subject, I'm going to ace it. Aaaaaaand, I'm starting it today. I have to hand it up on Monday so I'm getting on it straight away. I want this to be perfect. I got my other assignment back, with only one question answered incorrectly. As much as I love the fact that I pretty much aced it, it's annoying to know I missed one question. I would have been happier missing 10 questions than just 1.



*Asshole is my new favourite insult. Rolls off the tongue quite nicely.

Monday, February 21, 2011

10 things you wish you could say to ten different people right now:
  1. You make me the happiest I've ever been (:
  2. I love you, but sometimes you drive me insane.
  3. You're an amazing friend and I'm lucky to have you.
  4. Get over it. What's done is done, it's never going back to the way things used to be.
  5. You've changed. I'm not sure if the person you used to be is the real you or not.
  6. Everyone misses you. Well, everyone except me. Still. Stop being such an ass.
  7. Sometimes I pity you. Then I remember all the shit you caused, and still cause, and then all that pity turns to anger. Fuck you.
  8. You're a coward and a bitch. I have lost all respect for you and I'm not sure we can still be friends.
  9. You haven't done me wrong, but you should tread lightly around others. They're losing their patience with you.
  10. Best best friend ever. Just quietly ;D
9 Things people probably don't know about you:
  1. I honestly don't think I'll get married one day. As much as I'd like to, I just don't think it'll happen. I can't even give you a reason why. 
  2. I worry that I annoy others and constantly check to make sure they're happy. This probably does annoy them but they love me anyway.
  3. My kitty is my child. If I lost him, I'd die.
  4. You will never, everrr, see me without my phone. Unless I'm near water.
  5. I don't think I'm attractive, but I know I'm not ugly. I think there are far prettier girls, but I'm better looking than some.
  6. I don't forgive people unless they earn my forgiveness, which is insanely hard. I'm more likely to move on with life and let those angry feelings go, than accept what you did and tell you it's okay. It's not okay, and I refuse to acknowledge the mistakes you've made.
  7. Night time usually means I become somewhat crazy. Ask my boyfriend. It's almost like without sunlight, I'm a zombie. Nothing I say makes sense.
  8. When I drink alcohol, I'm either insanely drunk or straight out sober. There is no middle ground for me.
  9. I hoard things that I think have sentimental value until I've had them for so long I forget why. I throw it out eventually, but it's a long process.
8 ways to win your heart:
  1. Listen to what I say and act on it.
  2. Get in the good books with my best friends.
  3. Do things for me that you wouldn't do for others.
  4. Partake in my interests.
  5. Don't belittle me when I say something stupid.
  6. Laugh at your own mistakes.
  7. Be honest and trustworthy.
  8. Mean it when you say "I love you" or don't say it at all.
7 awesome movies:
  1. Shawshank Redemption.
  2. Pursuit of Happiness.
  3. Pirates of the Caribbean.
  4. Hook.
  5. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
  6. Howl's Moving Castle.
  7. Milo and Otis.
6 things you do before you fall asleep:
  1. Burn incenses.
  2. Turn off all the lights.
  3. Roll over on to my left side.
  4. Check to make sure my nose isn't blocked.
  5. Put my phone on charge.
  6. Sleep.
5 people who mean a lot:
  1. Larry - brother.
  2. Michael - boyfriend.
  3. Ryan - best friend.
  4. Celeste - best friend.
  5. Bradley - best friend.
    [no particular order.]
4 things you don't like:
  1. Liars.
  2. Cheaters.
  3. Untrustworthy people.
  4. People who don't respect boundaries.
3 things you like:
  1. Making people happy.
  2. Cuddles.
  3. Foooooooooooooooooooood.
2 things you want to do before you die:
  1. Visit Tokyo, Canada, Fiji and Amsterdam.
  2. Fall in love, get married, have kids - live the family life.
1 confession:
  1. The things I want most in life are also the things that scare me the most.

"When the time is right";

When it comes to breaking things off with someone you're physically involved with, either platonic or romantic, you'll always put it off. "When the time is right," you'll say.
Why not before ?
"They were having such a good day, I didn't want to ruin that for them." 
Why'd you put it off again ?
"They were having a bad day, I didn't want to make it worse."
What's your excuse now ?
"We were having a good time, felt like things might work out."

You know when the right time would have been ?

WHEN YOU FIRST REALISED YOU DIDN'T FEEL THE SAME WAY ANYMORE.

That's when. Instead, you went about it being a spineless coward and dragged it out even longer. Don't think I'll look upon this lightly. You may be one of my close friends, but you fucked with my best friend - for that I won't forgive you.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

P.S;

I have but two things to say about Valentine's Day. Listen up.
  1. Valentine's Day is not commercialised. There is nothing wrong with writing a love letter, watching their favourite TV show with them, cooking their favourite meal for dinner, or singing along at the top of your lungs to their favourite song. You can celebrate Valentine's Day without spending a single dollar. It's up to you how you play it.
  2. To all the single ladies - do not hate on me just because I had someone to celebrate V-Day with, and you didn't. Shut your mouths. V-Day is not a "shit excuse to spend money" and it's not a worthless day. If you're upset about being alone on V-Day, how about you stop getting angry at me ? I've had to work hard at my relationship, and it didn't come easy. If I want to spoil my boyfriend with a cake, a handmade card, and lots of affection - I WILL. I don't tell you how to live your single life, don't tell me how to live my relationship. Bitches be jealous.

V-Day Nut Shell;


I baked Michael a heart shaped vanilla sponge cake, with a Harry Potter icing centre piece, and crispy M&M's boarder. The icing was a bit weird to eat, but an awesome decoration. Next time, I'm making the cupcakes for him (:


 I also made him a card that I coloured in with my crayons. FYI - Crayons make it incredibly difficult to colour inside the lines. I'd show you the inside, but I did a poor job at drawing us as stick figures. I'm not going to show it, haha. As you can see from the right photo, he liked his cake ;D



Michael took me to Dumpling King for lunch. Up until that point, he had never had dumplings before. He's never had a dim sim before either. We made a quick dash into Bread Top where I found this awesome chocolate doggy shaped cake.



We went for a wander around the Central Markets, where we found a lolly shop that sold American candy. Michael and I love watching The Big Bang Theory, and when we found Milk Duds, Michael got super excited. Ohyeah, he also bought a cultured milk soda from Bread Top. He said it tasted alright - I disliked it. 


We then went out to Black Market for drinks with friends. The back of the toilet doors have already been covered in vegan propaganda. I sent the left photo to my best friend, Celeste, for Valentine's Day ;D

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Age is Only a Number;

I'd like to announce something wonderful.

I am no longer afraid of becoming older.

I am excited to see what happens in my life. I'm excited for the day I get to tell stories of where I've been, and watch faces light up in amazement. I'm excited to celebrate my 50th Wedding Anniversary. I'm excited to remember that every scar tells a story. I'm excited to see the world change, and people grow. I'm excited about the future, and all things coming together. I'm excited about my life feeling complete.

Change is a wonderful thing. And if I never grow up, I'll never become the person I want to be.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Crowded House;

Whenever I fall at your feet
And you let your tears rain down on me
Whenever I touch your slow turning pain

The finger of blame has turned upon itself
And I'm more than willing to offer myself
Do you want my presence or need my help
Who knows where that might lead

Sunday, February 13, 2011

---;

No one is afraid of heights, they're afraid of the fall. No one is afraid to play, they're afraid to lose. No one is afraid of the dark, they're afraid of what's in it. No one is afraid to say "I love you", they're afraid of the response.

Best Friends For Liars;

"It's interesting how you see this friendship. You think we're best friends. How peculiar, because I've never once heard myself call you my best friend. It's completely one-sided and you need to wake up to this. Isn't it nice to know that after all this time, you don't mean as much as you thought ? It's true, "People change, memories don't," but the problem isn't the memories, it's the fact that you hold onto the past like it's the present. You're not the same person I once knew. And neither am I."

Friday, February 11, 2011

6:15am Thoughts;

Michael leaves for work around 5:30am - 6:00am, and he always kisses me goodbye before he leaves. Usually I can fall back asleep, but this morning I couldn't. I was feeling sick from what I assume is mild food poisoning and then my thoughts started racing around in my head.

Whether you realise it or not - when things don't work out the way you wanted them to, it's usually because they work out for the best. The best might not be what you wanted, but that's how life goes. You can't always win everything. In each of our lives, at one point or another, we all lose somehow. Life has a funny way of working out in the end. All you have to do is go along for the ride.

The lesson life teaches you is not, "Not everyone is a winner," but actually, "What you want isn't necessarily what you need." You should never take from life more than you need.

“Each morning we are born again. What we do today is what matters most.”
- Buddha.



P.S: Today's "Quote of the Day" is also a Buddha quote. Life knows me well.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

FU~;

HAVE THE GUTS 
TO BACK UP 
YOUR WORDS OR 
SHUT THE FUCK UP
Your existence pisses me off

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Highlights of My Week;

So I did another vlog. Like I said in the video, I did some research before recording this one. I wanted to know what makes a vlog interesting to other people so I'm not as boring as I appear. I do vlogs more for fun, and because it's something different. I'm still finding it rather difficult to keep them short, because, as you can probably tell from my blog, I can talk. A lot. Pretty sure I cut down on saying "Uhm" a lot more too. Yay for achievements !
If you want to check out my drunk photos from the weekend, you can add me to Facebook HERE (: Pop a little message in with your request so I know you're not some random and deny you by accident.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Date Quiz;

Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
Most certainly. On Thursday to be exact.

How many girlfriends/ boyfriends have told you they love you?
Ah, well that's a tricky question to answer. Out of the five sexual relationships I've had, only two were boyfriends, and both of those boys have said it. I meant it in return. Though, in saying that, only two of those other three said it. And I said it in return as a defense mechanism.

Have you ever thought that you were going to marry a person?
I may have stupidly said once before, but never did I seriously mean it. I'm not one of those girls.

Are you crushing on someone?
It's more of a serious love thing. An crazy-in-love-with-each-other kind of love ♥

Have you ever loved someone so much that it hurt?
I have, but you learn to deal with those things and move on from the hurt.

Have you ever made a boyfriend or girlfriend cry?
Unfortunately, yes. Sometimes things get heated.

Are you happier single or in a relationship?
I'm always happy regardless of my relationship status. Though, I've never been this happy in my life, and I have Michael to thank for that.

Have you ever told someone you loved them and didn’t mean it?
Only to those boys who I was not in a relationship with. Defense mechanism and all.

Have you ever had your heart broken?
Cracked, but never broken.

Have you ever broken someone’s heart?
I would hope not, but such things cannot be avoided.

If you could go back in time and change things, would you?
Not a single thing. I'm happy now, and that's all that matters.

Think any of your ex’s feel the same?
I most certainly hope not. It wouldn't change a single thing, and I'd want them to move on from it.

Do you believe that you are a good boyfriend or girlfriend?
I do everything I can do be the best. Michael calls me "amazing" but I'm nothing special.

Have you dated people who were not good to you?:
That's hard to say. Define "not good." I mean, my boyfriend's have all been good people, but people make mistakes. None of them were abusive in any way, so I'd say no.

Have you dated someone older than you?
Huuuur. Maybe once or twice.

Younger?
Michael is two years younger than I am. Don't you dare call me a "cradle snatcher/cougar" or I'll kill you.

Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?
If they earn them, yes.

Do you Believe in love at first sight?
Lust at first sight. You never seriously want to marry someone the moment you meet them. At least, not for me.

Ever been given an engagement ring?
I remember, once in year 5, a boy asked me to marry him. I said no, to which he replied, "That's okay. I'm practicing for when we're older." I hit him on the head with my ruler and he never spoke to me again.
As for my adult life, no. I don't necessarily want to be married until I'm 25ish.

Do you want to get married?
I do, but I'm in no hurry.

Has anyone ever told you they wanted to marry you?
One boy had a dream we did. Another said it was everything he ever wanted. Neither of them are my current boyfriend. Just goes to show I'm not ready for that kind of thing.

Ever liked someone else’s boyfriend or girlfriend?
Has happened. I've been a terrible person in the past.

Does heartbreak really feel as bad as it sounds?
I've always bounced back, better than before. I think if you let it break you, then you're broken until you fix it.

Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up with you?
No. I don't tend to converse with ex boyfriends for good reasons.

Have u ever flirted with a friends crush?
I've ended up with my best friend's ex, which was the worst thing I could have done. I hate myself for what I did.

Would you believe your ex if she/he said they love you?
If it were true, then there's no denying it. But that doesn't mean I have to have the same feelings back, or consider them a valid part of my life. If I don't feel the same way in return, then they should respect that also.

Would you ever date your best male/female friend?
I don't think I could. I love them differently.

Have any of your exs called you by a nickname after the break up?
Once before. He ended up with a punch to the face. I cannot stand that more than anything. You are not together anymore, don't you dare act as if you are.

If your best friend of the opposite sex went out with someone you knew was wrong for them would you speak up?
I respect my friend's decisions, as they have with mine. Sometimes people need to work out what's not good for them on their own. Otherwise they never learn, and you can't be there to protect them always.

Do you regret any of your relationships?
Not at all. It's because of those relationships that I'm where I am right now. They all had lessons I've learnt the hard way, I don't regret learning those things. I wasn't perfect either.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Hank Moody;

Hank Moody is like the secret double life I live. That kind of life I don't share with anyone else. It's the one I live inside my head. I think it's about time it joined the real world. It's the me that's mean, prone to abusing my body with alcohol, that's a disappointment and the me that lets people down. The abusive side. I keep that mean son of a bitch in hiding inside my head because... Well, life's just easier that way.

The trouble I have with most of this is that I don't even know who this inside me is. You know it's part of you, but it's not who you see when you look in the mirror. It's that shit-head person that exists when you fuck up. It's the part of yourself that you don't associate with who you are. The part of you that you blame every time something goes wrong. You don't know who they are, you just know they're there. You can't stop their existence, but you don't want to let them run wild. The side of you that's bad. The side of you that you want to change with every once of strength, but never do.

When you're pissed off at your cheating, lying ex-boyfriend, it's that vicious person who surfaces at the right moment, and strikes without mercy. It's the person inside of you who spills all the dirty secrets your now-ex-best-friend told you, and you spill them to everyone they'd hurt without hesitation. It's the you that tells your parents that you hate them because they caught you doing drugs, or drinking alcohol, or because they caught you somewhere you shouldn't have been. The angry and hurtful you that attacks yourself after you've screwed up that one last time. It sits there, waiting, and lets rip when you give it just the slightest bit of an opening.

After all the damage has been delivered, you sit there in a pool of self loathing hatred wondering how the fuck you could have ever done those things. You don't remember what you said or did, it all feels like some messed up dream. Like none of it was real, and that your drink must have been spiked because you normally wouldn't have acted like that. You cry, you scream, you hate yourself, and you take that long deep look into your reflection and you realise that there's something wrong with you.

That's when you notice you're a fucking mess. Everything slowly starts to unfold, and you begin to recall moments in your past where things could have ended like this but didn't. You remember moments where this shit-head person once surfaced before, but you managed to shut them out. Somehow you took control then, but lost it now. And it makes you feel utterly fucking helpless. Everything turns to shit and you feel like a lost soul wandering alone forevermore. You don't want to be alone, but you don't know what else to do. It can go a variety of ways; a) you sort your shit out and get it together; b) you roll with it and destroy every bridge you ever built, or; c) you abuse the fuck out of your body to numb it out.

I've been through all above options. I've been that heartless bitch who didn't give a shit about anyone, including myself. I've had my turn at self destruction. And I thought, until 6 or so months ago, that I had sorted my shit and had it together. I thought, for once and for all, I had got it right, and that everything was going to get better. Too bad the other side of me had other plans. It's not like the other side of me isn't appreciative of all the things I have, because it is, it's just that... Well, sometimes I feel so shit that I don't feel like that's enough to hold me together anymore.

Don't get me wrong, I am 100% content with my life. I fucking love it to death. Everything I've ever wanted, I have. I have a home, a family, a boyfriend, friends, my kitty, independence - everything. It's just, some days I feel like packing up and catching the next flight out of here. I don't want to lose anyone or anything like that. I love every person apart of my life. They're the reason why I refuse to let my depression get the better of me. But... Sometimes I'm not sure that by being here, I'm doing the best I can to make everyone happy. Fuck, that sounds so goddamn wrong, but you know what I mean. Everyone, ev-ery-one, goes through those days where shit's too much to handle.

And I guess at the end of this, all I'm trying to say is this - the side of me that's the epitome of what I said above is not who I want to be. I don't know how I'm supposed to deal with this shit person, but ignoring them and keeping them inside of me only causes me to explode. I don't want to go on a rampage and hurt everyone I love. I don't. I guess... I guess I have to learn to live with it, and hope that everyone who loves me can deal with me at my worst. Because I know if I were them, I'd leave me behind.

Sweet, Sweet Love;

I'm eating caramel popcorn with a fucking spoon. I'm a popcorn fiend. You have your cereal; I have my delicious caramel popcorn.

I Know, I Know;

I said I hate hair extensions, and I do, I really, reaaaaaaally do, but THESE are a different story. I want these ! They're Fine Featherheads extensions, and they're amazing. They come in a variety of colours, and they last up to 6 months depending on how you treat them. They are indeed real bird feathers, but they're not taken in a cruel method, so I'm okay with that. You can blow dry, straighten, and curl them too ! Pretty much like your own hair. I am so going to buy these once they come to Australia. I cannot wait.

Beach Hangs;

My boyfriend makes for a rather adorable walrus. He's amazing, and brightens each of my days.
I love him. I really, really do.