they say you don't know what you got 'til it's gone / / they say that your darkest hour comes before your dawn

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Bleed out;

This is going to be a long post. I'm going to write about something I've chosen not to speak of often. And I'm going to do it in great detail. I've had this conversation many times, but I've never fully expressed my answers. Until now. I know that the person this greatly revolves around may get angry with me, or upset with me, for the things I'm about to say, but this isn't about you. And it's not about me. This is about the people who have been in the same position as myself, who have come to me for advice on how to handle it. I want them to know, to really believe, that you can move on from that situation in a positive manner. And if Michael and I can do it, anyone can.
Michael, I don't hold any of this against you, you know this. I know that you love me and that you'll never do it again. I trust you 100% and I love you on a level that I never thought I was possible of reaching. You are one of the best things that has ever happened to me, honest.

Two of my friends are in separate situations, yet I've been in both, so they've come to me for advice on how to deal with it. The first one is dealing with a partner who's cheated; and the second is dealing with the insecurities of an ex-girlfriend. I'm about to say things that no one has heard of. Things that never leave my mind. I'm going to be honest, real honest.

Michael and I started off as strangers, we grew into best friends, and then slipped into a relationship. I believe that this is what makes a successful and happy relationship. Although, it has not come easy. It's been a hard struggle to reach this point, and I'm stronger and more secure in my relationship because of the way things have been. Michael cheated on me within the first 3 or so months of our relationship, and I knew about it the whole time. His ex-girlfriend believed I was the last to know, I wasn't. I knew about it after the first two weeks, but it took 3 months for it to finally come out in the open. Do not underestimate me. How did I know, you ask ? When the person you've been sleeping with wakes up and txts someone else, first thing in the morning, before even saying good morning to you, you know. You just know.

He was constantly on his phone, txting away as soon as he got that message. And he was super protective over his phone. I was never allowed to go near it, and he would take it with him everywhere he went. A person who harbours something so close to them has something they want to hide. It's basic law of human nature. Before Michael and I started dating, we had a very interesting conversation - an honest one. We compared our past behaviour to see who was the worst person. There were no secrets - he told me of the countless times he cheated on his past girlfriends, and all of the hurt he had brought others. I told him of mine, and we decided he was the winner. From this, I knew he had always cheated on girlfriends, and I knew if I were to get involved with him, then I ran the risk of history repeating itself. Nevertheless, I still took that risk, and I experienced first hand how it felt to have history on repeat for the hundredth time.

I had no solid proof to begin with, just intuition that told me something was wrong. I waited two weeks, patiently and in silence, for the perfect moment. I do this a lot when it comes to things I want, and it always works. One day, he left his phone, on silent, in my room, on charge, while I was still getting changed, and he was down stairs with my brother. That perfect moment was right there for the taking, and I took it with both hands. I went through that phone and I found message after message about how excited he and his other girlfriend [because he was dating both of us at the same time] were about moving in together, how she had found the most perfect place in the city, how she was scared he'd back out of it, and how he was surely convinced it was going to work out. I remember every message in clear detail. Even their plans to holiday in Bali in November.

I'll tell you this now - no one fucks with me and gets away with it. "All's fair in love and war" is a rule I live by. You want to go ahead and cheat on me ? Fine, but be prepared to face the consequences. I took it a step further - I forwarded all those messages to my phone, deleted those from his sent folder so he had no idea, and then I put the first message that she had sent him that morning as the one just opened. I walked down stairs, I threw his phone at him and I clearly said, "Get your shit and get out of my house." Those exact words no less. I still remember the immense anger and betrayal I felt. I had packed all of his belongings from my room and left them waiting for him by the front door. I was serious. He then denied everything, like I knew he would, and said that they were old txt messages, that h phone had got the dates wrong. What he didn't know was that the subject of every message was of a present issue. There was no way she could have been talking about his "new job" and finding the perfect apartment in the city, so close to his "new job" if they were old messages. I'm not a fool.

I read back those message, word for word, from my own phone to show him how naive he thought I was. My brother and two of my best friends were there at the time, and they tried to break up our fight because it was getting heated. I remember the distinct urge I had to hit Michael, and hit him hard, but I didn't. He kept saying how I was being crazy and that he didn't want to leave because he "really, really liked" me. If it wasn't for one of my best friends calming me down, Michael and I would have ended right there. My best friend told me to give him the benefit of the doubt, so I did.

Two weeks after that, his other girlfriend's best friend added me to MySpace. I had no idea who she was, but she was a friend of Michael's so I thought nothing of it. She then sent me a message telling me that it was interesting to read how Michael was in a relationship with me, while he was in a relationship with her best friend. She told me about everything, and I was sent home from work for being unable to stop crying. It was 10am, I had been there for two hours, and I was incapable of doing anything knowing what I knew. When I got home, Michael was there, and I confronted him about it. I showed him all the messages, told him how it made me feel, and I listened to what he had to say. He denied it, again. This best friend of his other girlfriend had done this in the past, and he convinced me that she was doing it again. Told me that his "ex-girlfriend" wanted Michael back, and if she couldn't have him, then nobody could. I let it go, for the second time.

It wasn't until a couple of months later that I received an interesting message on MySpace from none other than his other girlfriend. She had told me that she knew about me, about how Michael was living two separate lives, and that she felt "sorry" for me because I was "the last to know." Obviously I wasn't the last to know. Once again, I was at work when I received this message, but this time I held myself together and waited patiently to go home at the end of the day. I sat there playing through my mind how exactly I was going to deal with things when I got home. I called Michael into my room, showed him the message, and told him no more denial. I had my proof, solid, undeniable proof. And for the first time, he went silent. I remember the moment clearly - he was breathing rapidly, swallowing hard, picking at his hands, and staring into nothingness - all signs of a classic liar. I had just discovered his base line, and from that moment forward, I was always able to tell if he was lying to me.

I told him, in the most firm tone I've ever spoken in, that he is to make a choice - it's me or her. And he was to make it right then and there. And of course he said he'd pick me, and of course I let him believe that I believed him, and of course I didn't believe a word of it. I upped my game, "You can send her a message, right now, saying that it's over and that you're with me. I want to see it before you send it, and I want to see what she says back. If you don't, you can get your stuff and never come back." And he did. And I thought that would be the end of it. It was far from over. It had only just begun.

Multiple times, he used my laptop to go on his MySpace account, and multiple times he would leave my house with it still signed in. And every time that it was, I would check it. And every time that I did, there was a message from his now-ex-girlfriend. You can bet your bottom dollar what those messages said. All of them were along the lines of "How could you do this to me ?," "I thought you had changed," "I know everything, stop lying to me," blah blah blah. I copied those messages, and I saved them to my laptop in a folder that I knew Michael could never get to. I sat there, for a few weeks, in bitter silence, waiting for the message I knew was coming. That message came. It was about how they had promised they'd always be together, about all those juvenile promises you make when you're young, about how they'd always get married, and have kids, and a dog, and how they'd have the best family in the world; about how she missed everything from when they first started dating; about how she knew that if he would leave and move to Queensland with her, that they could start over and it would be perfect.

He had replied, saying that he wasn't going out, that he'd be home alone, and that she could "come over and we can talk about it." He had previously told me, only 30 minutes prior, that he was going out to his sister's dance performance and therefore I wouldn't be able to talk to him. I copied that message, and sat their with a decision I had to make - I could either send it to him now and tell him if that's the way he's going to let things be then he can get the hell out of my life, or I could save it and wait until I was face-to-face and see him squirm. I called one of my best friends, who advised me that I should do whatever the hell I wanted because I was still going to end up with the same result. I copied that message, and I sent it to him, saying that I told him it's was me or her, and clearly he had lied to me, again. We fought for a long time, and he convinced me that he was only going to talk to her about how it can never be the way she wanted it, because he was committed to me.

After that, he made me a promise that if he were to ever talk to her again, that he would tell me; I promised that I would no longer get mad if he did. But of course, I found more messages between the two of them, and of course I got pissed off because he broke his goddamn promise. I was at breaking point, but held it together, because I had told him that I loved him, and he had said it back. At that point, I had regretted telling him such powerful words, and wished I could make it all stop. July 4th 2009 was the night I told him I loved him, and he said it back. That was the night of my 21st, and I spent a good portion of the night crying over it because I didn't believe he really did love me. And how could I ? After all those times he had betrayed my trust, I was finding myself struggling to hold those words true.

Months went past, and soon enough, Michael and I had been together for a year. And in that whole year, I had never met his parents, or anyone from that side of his life. He was still keeping them separate. I told him that I wanted to meet his parents, and we fought about it because he refused. We had been together for a year, and we were making plans to move in together, but I wasn't going a step further until he did as I demanded. I was asking, I was telling. There came a day, which would have been perfect for me to meet his parents, but he didn't allow it. He was going home, to drink with his parents for the Tour Down Under, but he hadn't asked me to come with him. So I asked him why. "I didn't think you'd want to come. It's going to be boring. All we're doing is sitting around and drinking." I knew better. I knew that the reason why he didn't want me there was because his ex-girlfriend was going to be there, and I told him so. He told me she had nothing to do with it, that he wasn't going to see her, and then he left without me.

When he came back, I asked him if he had seen her. I knew that he had. I knew for two reasons - one, a friend of mine had lurked her Facebook profile, found out that she had posted about it, and then told me; and two, I sent her a message asking if she had, to which she replied yes. She then proceeded to tell me that it was none of my business whether he had, that I shouldn't be asking her, and I shouldn't use her to check up on Michael - "What I do with Michael is my own business, and what you do with him is yours." HA ! FUCKING HA ! That couldn't have been further from the truth if she tried. I told him about the message his ex-girlfriend had sent me, but I left out the part where she admitted to seeing him. I wanted him to think that whatever answer he gave me, I would hold that as the truth. When he gave his answer, I busted him on lying to me about it again.

There's a line that you have, where if someone crosses it, that's it and you're done with them. Michael had not only seen that line, he crossed it, then danced on it, and spat on it. Like fuck I was going to sit there and take it. We fought for two-three days about it. I didn't sleep, I didn't eat, and I got really sick from the emotional stress of it all. At the end of it, I reached a conclusion - I needed space and time away from him to decide whether being with him was the best option for me, and that I needed at least two weeks. This is where I would like to think that things changed between us for the better. I finally put my foot down. I told him that this was bullshit. I told him that I deserved better. I told him that I don't want to see or speak to a person who constantly lies to me. And I told him, that if he could not give me what I wanted, what I deserved, then that would be the end of it. I was more serious now than I ever was before.

He deleted me off Facebook, and everyone asked questions. In my past relationships, I had always spilled the details, but I thought I would try something different this time and refused to tell anyone why. I just said that he had lost my trust and that was that. He then decided after a few days that he wanted to add me back on Facebook. I did what the better person does in this situation, and I accepted. You can imagine the reaction my friends had when someone of them thought that this was the first time he had added me to Facebook, that prior to that moment, we never had each other on Facebook. I was still insanely angry with him, so I didn't make a big deal of it because I wasn't going to give him the time of day. I posted a status, he commented on it, and then I deleted it. I was fucking serious when I said I had no intention of talking to a liar, and I made that very clear.

After a week, we started talking again when I had finally calmed down. I had a list of demands that he was to live up to, and if he failed at just one of them, then I would wash my hands clean of him and move on with my life. I refuse to be treated like a weakling, and I will not settle for anything less than I deserve. Ever. Slowly but surely, things started to turn around. Michael and I finally sorted out our problems, he recognised his mistakes and made the effort not to do them again. I still had a great deal of trouble trusting him, but I knew I had to take the risk if I really wanted it to work out.

At the time, Facebook initiated new security settings, allowing people more control over what people can and cannot see. My profile, up until that point was set to Friends Only, so that only my friends could see my profile. There was an option that struck my interest - Friends of Friends. This allows mutual friends to view your profile without having to add you to their friends list. As much as Michael wanted me to believe things were finally over with his ex-girlfriend, I still knew better. I knew that she was predictable, and so I set my profile to Friends of Friends, knowing that sooner or later she would see everything Michael and I had said to each other. FYI - Michael and I are rather affectionate, in person and online, to the point our friends thought it was rather cute and adorable. I knew she was going to see it, and I knew she would crack and lose her shit at Michael. It was only a matter of time.

A month after changing my settings, she lost it after seeing everything on my page. She sent Michael a hate filled message about how he had been acting towards me, about how he would call me "babe" and "bub", how he would say cute things to me, about how he would always say "I love you" at the end of every comment, about how we were so happy even after all that bullshit we had endured. And he did something I didn't expect. He fought back and told her to shove her opinion on the matter up her ass because she had no say in it. She tried to make him feel bad for being happy with me, possibly even happier than he was with her. I was completely satisfied with what just happened between the two of them. I was. I was pleased beyond belief that he had finally told her to fuck off, that he didn't want to see her or talk to her every again. That it was completely over. I was satisfied with that result even though I knew it wouldn't last very long. I didn't care that it wouldn't last long, I was just happy that he finally took a stand against her bullshit. That'll teach you to talk shit about me to MY boyfriend. Fucking idiot. What was she thinking, that he'd think she was right and break up with me ? Ohyeah, sure.
"What I do with Michael is my own business, and what you do with him is yours." HA ! FUCKING HA !
Hypocrites get the worst of me. I fucking hate that bullshit.

Things now are greatly different as to how they were. I am no longer insecure, I no longer have trouble trusting Michael, and I no longer care what his ex-girlfriend says or thinks. Michael has said that he would like to remain friends with her, and that's perfectly fine by me. I know that if she were to ever try taking him from me, it wouldn't work. Michael would shut her down before she even got to that point. I honestly, deep down believe that there is nothing she can say or do to take him from me. If all those past attempts failed when Michael and I were unhappy, what makes you think she'd succeed now that we're at our happiest ? That's all I ever think about when someone asks how I dealt with it. You've got to change the way you think about it if you don't want it to bother you anymore.

And yes, there have been times were we've fought over it in more recent times, but only because she's crossed the line. Michael and I are now open when it comes to her, and I know a great deal more about her than she thinks. When I think about it, I realise something that I was blind to before. Every dark cloud has a silver lining. Yes, he cheated on me with her, but of all that time, even when he did have her and he could have been with her, he still didn't leave me. He spent 6 out 7 days with me, not her, but me. And even when he did have her, the most he could spare her was one day a week. One. Sucks to be on her side of things.

And yes, I do take joy in knowing that I make Michael the happiest. I do a damn good job of being the best girlfriend I can be. Call me a bitch if you want, but I don't care (:

Michael and I have now been together for two years, and none of what happened back then bothers me anymore. I know you probably think it does because of the anger you can see in the things I've said, but it's not like that at all. Sure, when I think about it, a part of me still gets mad, but that's only because I still can't believe that someone who loves me so deeply could have ever done a thing like that. Then I remember something very important, something that you should never forget; Michael has changed, he has grown, and he is no longer the same person he was back then. I can see it, he can see it, she can see it, and if you were to meet him, you'd see it too.

Monday, May 30, 2011

You should really watch this video;

This is fucking amazing. More poets like this need recognition for their powerful and explosive work. It's moments like this that make words stronger than actions. I wish I could write like him. What an inspiration.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Nothing sums up a good day like photos;

Today, I was feeling like crap. Michael and I did our usual Seedy Sunday date which is sushi and Boost Juice, but after it I started feeling worse. To make me feel better, we went to JB Hi-Fi, I bought my new CDs [The Wombats; Foster the People; Birds of Tokyo], and then as we were about to leave, Michael surprised me by buying me a colouring in & activity book, plus pencils since I had none. He then watched over me while I had a nap, and let me sleep for an extra half hour to make sure I felt better.

He's the best boyfriend I've ever had. It's the little things like this that make a big difference.



Saturday, May 28, 2011

Maybe it's just me;


But I've always wondered where my kitty goes when I'm not home. I've always wondered if he just sleeps and eats away his days. Or does he go out and have crazy kitty adventures ? I'd like to think he has these wild adventures while I'm out.

I bet he starts by exploring my backyard, sniffing his little nose at every nook and cranny, with his eyes wide open to take in everything around him. Then he'd go for a climb up some trees, and take in the birds eye view. He'd probably roam around on the roof of my house, seeing if he can chase any birds while he's up there. And when he can't find any birds to play with, he'd probably go visit his little kitty friends that live around the neighbour hood.

He'd probably meet up with his friends in a backyard. They'd probably play fight for a bit, then get down to serious business. They'd go to each other's houses, chill out, eat some food, have a nap and then go back to chasing birds. I bet he even has a little kitty lover living the next street over. It's probably risky to go see her. He'd have to dodge some puppies on the way, who snap at his tail trying to rough him up. I bet she's a pretty little kitty that's worth the tumbles with the puppies.

I wonder if he even visits another family. A little boy or girl, who give him lots of cuddles and play with him. They keep him inside at night so he can stay warm. They have their own name for him, and he fits in perfectly.  They spoil him rotten with toys and comfy beds to sleep in. They take silly photos with him and put them in frames around their house.

Then he'd come home to me. He'd hear the back door unlatch and then he'd come running back. He'd jump over fences, dodge puppies, say goodbye to his street kitty friends, and then come cuddle with me. He'd pretend like all he did was eat and sleep in the sunshine. He'd just lay in my lap, fall asleep and let me think his purring the most beautiful sound I've heard all day.

Today, I found out.

He goes next door. He probably doesn't have an adventure like I imagined. I wish he did though. That would be amazing.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

E.T phone home;

I think I know why people are so afraid of being happy.
Why they're afraid to admit they love people.
Why they're afraid to let people into their lives.

Because they stand to lose something.

When you think about it, the thought of having someone take away what means most to you is a horrific thing. If I spend enough time thinking about it, I cry. I know this because I used to do it to myself all the time. Always hate on myself and think that I wasn't good enough for them. But it's all bullshit. Having a weak point like that is what makes us feel alive. Life is meaningless if we don't have someone to share it with.

We're afraid to say we've found a place we can call home.
We're afraid to say we've found people who make each day worth it.
We're afraid to say we've found what makes us happy.
And that we're afraid of losing it.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

/rant;

So I'm about to start my very first permanent part-time job. Hello lower pay and paid leave. I love the fact that I finally have a job where I can have paid sick leave and annual leave. Holy cow, I'm excited to start. Although, it comes at a hefty price; slashed hourly pay rate. I'm currently on $21p/h, which will drop to around $15.30p/h. For me, this is a big deal. For Michael, he's probably going to enjoy the fact that he now earns more an hour than I do for once. Hahaha. I'm kidding of course, he probably doesn't care.

The thing I found most fascinating was the reaction I got when I told my current employer that I had got the second job. The main reasons why I don't overly enjoy my current job is because the shifts are short, I have to travel more than I would like, and the hours are annoying. On Monday, I used to wake up and do an hour shift at 8:30am, then I'd have to spend the rest of the day waiting so I could go to work again, for another hour, at 7:00pm. I don't like that. I want to be able to bang out a 5 - 8 hour shift for the whole day so I can go home and relax. I also don't like the fact that my shifts usually are given to me the day before. How am I supposed to live my life if I don't know when I'm working next ? I can't plan anything.

I have this rule when it comes to making plans - you must give me at least a week or two advanced notice before making plans with me. I know that sounds ridiculous, but you have no idea how many times people have asked me to do something last minute and I've had to say no because I've got work. There's also the dilemma of people saying that all too familiar line, "Save this date because I'm having a party !" Yeah, that would have been nice HAD YOU TOLD ME THE WEEK BEFORE MY ROSTER CAME OUT SO I COULD ASK FOR THAT DATE OFF ! Fuckers.

Now, considering my current job means that I'm basically on call 24/7, it also means that I'm unable to really make any social commitments because I'm unaware of the possible off-chance that I'll get offered a shift. And knowing my luck, it always happens that way. That's why I'm so glad to be starting my new job. I'll have advance notice of my hours at work, I'll be able to make plans with people, and I'll actually be able to balance business and pleasure without going insane.

Come Thursday and Friday next week, I'll be taking the very first real steps in my career. It's no longer a dream. It's no longer assignment after assignment. It's actually happening. This is real.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

My soul went up for auction;

Tumblr, the devil himself, bought it. And what a fucking cheap deal that was.

You know why I really hate Tumblr ? Like, loathe it, despite it, wish bad harm upon it ? Because blogs were created to be an online version of your journal. Not fucking scrapbooks competing for popularity. Fucking fuck fuck.

Thanks for ruining a good thing, Tumblr. Way to go.
Asshole.







P.S: if you really want my Tumblr link, it's http://sailorwent2sea.tumblr.com/

Monday, May 23, 2011

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind;

I watched the movie for the first time today. I remember when it first came out. I decided not to watch it because it wasn't a thriller/horror, and I was obsessed with that genre at the time. I wish I had. I should have watched it. I would have learnt so much about love, and what it is to fight for it, just from this movie. It's not about cliché sappy love that you believe it is. It's about the way your mind ticks when you think about someone. It's about the way memories play over and over again on this imaginary projector. It's about being able to feel them in your life, even when you're not in the same room together.

I wonder what it's like to forget someone you once loved. I mean, really forget them. Is it even possible ? To wake up one day, unaware of the impact they had on your life, and live like it never mattered ? Can you really do that ? I wonder what it's like to want to forget all those jokes, the giggles, the fights, the tears... All of it. The good and the bad. You'd forget all the lessons you learnt, you'd forget all the mistakes you made, and you'd forget all the times you got it right.

I don't think I'd want any of it to be forgotten. I'd want to remember. Every moment of it. To know that all of those moments combined are the reason why I'm where I am today, and who I am. That each step I took brought me here. It's because of all those hurtful relationships I've had in the past that I've become who I am. I'm not the same insecure and selfish person I once was. I'd never want to forget that.

When it all comes crashing down around you, and all you feel is emptiness, you should stop and breathe. Never pretend like it didn't happen, because as much as you wish you could forget, you're never going to. Whenever you think back on those times, it's always going to ache the same way. Forgetting it would only mean that a part of your life, that really did make you happy, even momentarily, wouldn't exist. A chunk of your heart would be gone. And you'd have no idea why. You'd just waste your life away, trying to fill a void that exists for reasons you don't understand. You'll never feel whole if you remove part of what used to be.

You can dig a hole in the ground, and fill it back up with the same soil, but it'll never be the same. The ground knows it's not the same, and the soil looks different. You can put it back, but it'll never be the way it was before. People are the same. You can break a heart, and you can mend it back together, but it's never going to be as whole as it once was. The trick is simply seeing the beauty in the cracks.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Over my shoulder;

This isn't how it's supposed to be. This just isn't. You were supposed to leave and that would be it. I wouldn't have to worry about you, or anything of the sort. I could stop looking over my shoulder, wondering if you're hiding there in the shadows. When you left, you were supposed to stay away for good. You were meant to take all those memories with you. You're not meant to come back. This isn't the place for you any more. It never was. This is how my life is meant to be. If it's better off without you, then so be it.

I won't let you ruin everything. This time I'm going to stand up to you. This time we're going to fight it out. I've kept my mouth shut for too long, and I refuse to any longer. You can say what you want, you can do what you want, but you won't get away with it. Not this time. I'm not afraid of you. I'm not. I never said anything before because I was asked not to. This time things change. Things are different. I'm different. I should have never let it get to this point. If you think for one second you can act like you did before and everything would be okay, then your sorely mistaken.

You can't just come back and pretend like nothing happened. Like you didn't fuck it all up. You just can't.

You can't take this from me.

I won't let you.

Friday, May 20, 2011

About time !;

I can totally fit what the last couple of months of my life have been like in less than 5 minutes. That's disappointing, right ? Thank fuck I finally got another job so I can go out and be social. Now I'll have things to talk about.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Cravings;

I hate that feeling, when you feel hungry, but you don't want any food you see. And you can't figure out what food you want, and you don't think it even exists. Then you realise that what you want is to see the person you're missing.

I've been feeling like this a lot lately. For no real reason. I kind of enjoy it though. It's a bitter sweet thing. I like missing someone, because then I really understand how much you mean to me. It's like, you dug this hole inside of me, and put yourself there. Then when you leave, that hole is empty, and I feel empty. But if I hadn't let you dig that hole, I wouldn't miss or love anyone. So it's good that I feel empty when you're gone. Now I know I'm not me without you.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Yeah, you would;

Ever had that friend, who always did as you expected, who always said they were unpredictable, but you could always predict their next move ?

I've got news for you.

YOU'RE NOT


Days like this make me want to strangle you until you turn blue and pop. Seriously, get over yourself. And stay away from me. You're too troublesome for one person. I don't like complicated people. Also, for someone who thinks they're exciting and fun to be around, you're actually really boring.

Aaaaaaaand can I just add this - this was never about competition. I don't know where you got that idea from. I do not think I am better than you. You took the time to compare the two of us, and then stated reasons why I think I'm "better" than you. I didn't make up some crazy list. YOU DID.

Gosh.

Do you ever get the feeling that somebody is watching you ?;

I do. A lot of the time it crosses my mind. Especially when I'm all alone, doing something I don't usually do in front of others. I always wonder how I look from someone else's eyes. Do I really look the same way I think I do ? Is my nose as crooked as I think it is ? Do they notice the imperfections on my skin ? Am I really as skinny as people say I am ? I wonder if they judge what I'm wearing. I wonder if they think little of me because I've begun to put less effort into looking perfect each day. I wonder what they think when I wear make up, and if they think I'm wearing too much.

I've always wondered what people think when they're talking to me. I wonder if they really like me as much as they appear to. I wonder if they're secretly thinking that I'm an idiot. Or even if they're giving me their real answers, and the ones they think to themselves they'd never tell me. I wonder if they've had this conversation with me before but are having it again because I've forgotten. I wonder what they really think about when I tell a joke and they laugh. I wonder what they say about me when I'm not around, and if that matches to what they say when I am around.

Most of the time I don't care. Most of the time. But that other little part of my time is spent over analysing everything.

In reality, I spend that little part of my time wondering what they think of my body piercings and tattoos. I've seen some disgusted faces appear on people when I tell them what I have and what they mean. I don't expect them to understand, and I'm not seeking approval, I just... I want people to know I don't have them because I'm some rebel without a cause. I have them because of their sentimental value, and that's something only I would truly understand. I'll explain another day. I'm too tired right now.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Twitterino;

I've started using my Twitter account again. Not often, but often enough that I see a point in still keeping the account. You can follow me by searching Pocketz_ I don't post anything of real great interest but it keeps me entertained when Facebook fails.

Ohyeah, good news ! I passed the reference check for that interview I previously mentioned. I now have to pass a medical examination and then I get the job. All I have to do is keep my back straight, right ?

I'm so hungry.
Yep.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Things that made me happy today;

  1. I woke up next to Michael, even though the first thing I said to him was, "Make sure it's okay with your dad that I'm leaving at 7:30 and not 7:00 please."
  2. I wasn't late for my first client this morning, despite being so worried and unable to sleep.
  3. I got an extra, easy breasy, shift at work. Extra cha-ching in the pocket is well appreciated right now.
  4. Extra shifts for tomorrow.
  5. The guy who served me at Maccas today was named Ronald. If you can't see the hilarity in that, go neck yourself right now. Right. Now.
  6. I found out that the place I had a job interview for [as a second job] called my old manager and had a 15minute long, in depth, conversation about me. Good thing my old manager loves me and gave me the best reference she could.
  7. There's a really nice bag I found in Strandbags for $60. I might buy it because I need a bigger bag with more pockets. 
  8. Michael called me to tell me about his day, and vice versa, while I was in Gloria Jean's.
  9. Knowing that Gloria Jean's don't make good chai lattes and not to go there ever again.
  10. Spending an hour of my day talking to my old manager because she was bored at work and I didn't want to go home
Things that didn't make me happy today;
  1. I had to pay $1.51 per litre for petrol today.
  2. I was exhausted by the end of the day after all the running around I did.
  3. When it started to rain, every person on the road drove really slowly for no real reason.
  4. I didn't get to clean out my fish tank.
  5. My internet has been capped and therefore I'm stuck at dial up speed until the 19th.
  6. My kitty was soaked wet and cold when I got home.
  7. Shipping from Amazon.com is a lot more expensive than I first thought.
  8. Being disappointed in myself for not going to Cafe de Paris for my chai latte instead.
  9. Knowing I can't see Michael tonight because I have work tomorrow morning.
  10. Knowing that I also have to get up extra early because I forgot to get a form from work today, and therefore need to get it tomorrow morning before my first client.

THE HIGHLIGHT OF MY DAY ?
Seeing this on my Facebook home page.
2 years on Sunday.

Well, that was rather embarrassing;

I just posted saying that I couldn't update my blog because I was having issues. Turns out it's all good and there's nothing wrong. My Google Chrome was just being a hypercondriac.

It also keeps telling me that I'm spelling "hypercondriac" wrong. I AM NOT, YOU PIECE OF SHIT. I HARDLY EVER SPELL ANYTHING WRONG. ASSHOLE.

I just want a chai latte. Is that too much to ask for ?!
I also want it to be the weekend already. I'm itching to bake Michael's surprise. And no, I didn't spoil it - he knows I'm baking something, just not what exactly.

Monday, May 9, 2011

If there were awards for Epic Fail of the Year;

I would win it hands down.

Today, I was out doing some casual shopping for the house. The list contained - water ager; milk; bread; cat food; and bottled Coca-Cola, which then turned into 8 bottles [they were having a special, okay !]. I ended up buying a treat for myself [this month's Cosmo mag] and then a surprise for Michael, but he'll have to wait until Saturday to get it.

Straaaaaaaying off topiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiic.

I got everything I needed, chucked it into a trolley since carrying it with my chicken wings is too much, and then made my way to the car. The cat food was the last thing I bought except.... When I got to the car, I realised I left the cat food on the counter at the shop. Why the girl didn't stop me is beyond me. Clearly her customer service skills are due for a tune up. Obviously I had to go back and get it.

...I was too busy updating all of Facebook about my stupidity in the pet shop to see that I then tried to walk down the escalator that actually goes up.

I got about mid-way before I noticed something was up. The lady in front of me, who was no doubt walking the right way, gave me the strangest look I've ever received. And so, on the topic of stupid things people have said/done/seen/whatever, I thought I'd show you other things that would win second prize in the Epic Fail of the Year award.

Google Search on my iPhone 4.
I love auto correct and predictive text. It makes for some quality reading, like this. I went to search, "Is it normal for your goldfish to hide under the pump?" but these other options, that Google [for one reason or another] thought were appropriate guesses at what I was thinking came up. And FYI - it's not normal. RIP Theodore and Eugene.

Words With Friends.
I used to think getting consonants only was a pain in the butt to play with. Nope, I was wrong. Clearly three I's, two E's, an A and an X was Words With Friends' idea of solving my consonants frustration. Don't worry, I swapped my letters and Sara still kicked my butt.

Catch of the Day - The Boyfriend Pillow.
"Never feel lonely again! Now, whenever you feel like going to bed and cuddling next to a perfectly masculine torso, you can! The boyfriend pillow doesn't go drinking with his mates when you want to spend time with him, he doesn't smell of smoke or alcohol, and he doesn't even snore! It provides a comforting arm the wraps you up to make you feel comfortable and safe, and it's designed to pad the natural contour of your body for more comfort. This snuggly pillow also comes with a pyjama top. Enjoy an embrace every night from a completely faithful boyfriend!"
Oh, because that's the kind of boyfriend I've always wanted ! Too bad he doesn't have a penis. She looks rather uncomfortable laying on the sofa like that. What a terrible boyfriend.

The Potty Fisher !
"For the fishermen who can't get enough of the sport or the water, enjoy some fishing while you're in the loo. It's fun and easy; try and catch one of the four fish in the included bowl (no, not the toilet bowl! Gross!). Comes with a "Do not disturb" sign so you can be left uninterrupted for your fishing fun!
  • Potty fisher
  • Toilet time fishing game
  • Enjoy some fishing while you're in the loo
  • Comes with a water themed mat, a fishing rod, a bowl for the water, four fish and a DO NOT DISTURB sign
  • Perfect gift for the avid fisherman"
Words cannot even begin to describe the kind of laughter I was making when I found this. Really, are men that desperate to go fishing, they'll do it while pooing ?! I like the way it says in brackets that you're not meant to use the toilet bowl for fishing; as if to imply previous males have used an actual toilet bowl in confusion. Then they mock those previous males by pointing out that it's gross. I'm still laughing at it now, and it's been days since I first found it. Holey moley.


Oh, and I'd like to have a trophy. Medals aren't as flashy.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Positive thinking;

H'okay. I'm going to tell you something about myself, that I honestly believe to be true, which will ultimately make me sound crazy. And not the good kind of crazy. The you-belong-in-a-mental-institution kind of crazy. Here goes.

Whenever I want something, all I ever have to do is think positively about it, and it comes to me.

What I'm saying is, I always get what I want. Without the required effort of devising a plan, putting it into action and reaping my rewards. I mean to say, if I want it, it comes to me. I don't make things happen, they just do. I know, I know, I sound ludicrous but it's just how things in my life work out.

"No fate but what we create." That's tattooed on my left hip. It's a reminder, and a quote I live by, to show that I believe we make our lives into whatever we create them to be. And I do this by positive thinking and then things magically working out in my favour. I'll list you some examples and then you can get my straight jacket.

When I was a little girl, I always wished for a Barbie Camper Van. Fuck you, I was innocent once upon a time. It was always what I wished for, and in the innocent belief of wishes, I actually never told anyone because I didn't want to spoil my wish. BAM. That year for Christmas, mother got me one.

I dated a boy, who broke up with me for another girl, who then broke up with her for me. She didn't take to it kindly and did every manipulative thing she could to get him back. She fought with him countless times to make him unhappy whenever he was around me, she told him lies about me so he would break up with me, and did a whole bunch of other crap I won't get into. The whole time, all I kept thinking was that I wanted her to cross the line, have a big massive fight with him, and then they'd never speak again. Two weeks later, BAM. They still don't speak even though I'm not his girlfriend anymore.

I'm sitting in my car, listening to the radio, whilst singing a different song in my head. Everyone knows that the only way to get rid of a song stuck in your head is to listen to it, so I kept thinking about this stupid song. BAM. Next song on the radio is the one in my head.

I get hungry a lot, more so around dinner time because that's when I have my biggest meal. I get fussy when it comes to food, and when I get cravings, I have to have what I want or people get hurt. Every time I get a craving, I sit there mentally drooling over the meal. BAM. Next thing I know, someone suggests we have it for dinner.
This happens more frequently than anything else.

I was involved with another boy, who's evil ex-girlfriend wouldn't leave him alone. As much as he tried to be civil with her, all she wanted was for him to break things off with me and get back together with her. I spent like a week or two imagining how happy life would be if she just moved back home with her parents, in another state. BAM. A month later, she moved states and everything went back to normal.
Ironically, this almost sounds like my current boyfriend and his ex's situation, but it's not.

I always wanted a faux fur coat for winter. I love animal print and the coats are so warm and snug, but unfortunately it was spring when I desired one the most. I thought there would be no harm in looking because you never know what you find. BAM. I found one the next day, and for the exact price I wanted.
This happens a lot as well.

Last night, I was talking to my boyfriend's mum about how I need a second job. I need one because my current one isn't offering me enough hours and therefore I cannot move out of home. My boyfriend's mum suggested I take in my resume to a specific place near by because she heard they were looking for staff. I said that I had already posted out a hard copy of my resume and cover letter to them previously. BAM. I got a call this morning, and scored a job interview on Friday.

You may now bring my straight jacket to me. I'm cold so the layers will add warmth.

No, but seriously. This is how things in my life have turned out so well. I could list about a billion different examples but I can't be bothered. And honestly, they'd make me sound even more crazy. I just... I honestly think that if you send out positive vibes into the world, positive things come back to you. I'm not saying these things happen immediately, because that would be too crazy, even for me, but they do happen. This is why I'm such a patient person. Because I believe if you think positively, and you wait long enough, things will come to you at the right time.
Things always get better, but only if you believe.





And don't you dare try and pull that "This is God's will" bullshit on me. I'll slap you so hard you'll end up in hell. I don't believe in God, or any higher power. I'm not really sure what I place these happenings in, but it's not because of God or whatever. I'm spiritual, if anything, and I'm not going to declare that I get what I want thanks to spirituality. I don't require a reason why these things happen.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

K;

I really don't like it when I send someone a txt or a comment/message on Facebook and all they reply with is, "K." I really, really don't like it. Not because it's rude to completely ignore what I just said. Not because I know you've barely even read what I said and are agreeing for the sake of the conversation moving forward [because it never moves forward after that.] And not because you're a lazy fucktard and can't be bothered writing something back.

It's because that fucking little innocent "K" leaves me unaware of what your real response is.

How the fuck am I supposed to know if you really do agree with me ?
How do I know if you want to change things ?
How do I know if you've even formulated an opinion on what I just said ?
I took the goddamn time out of MY day to talk to you, and you can't even half ass two sentences to show me that you're actually interested in what I said. Get lost.

I would honestly rather no response at all instead of "K". At least then you could go back, re-read what I said, and then write a proper reply when you have the time to take two seconds to think about it. Fucking assholes.

Don't do it. Just. Don't.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

L.I.F.E.G.O.E.S.O.N;

You either beat life, or it beats you. You can choose to be a winner or a loser. Life doesn't make that decision for you; you do.

You just pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and put one foot in front of the other. Never look back.