they say you don't know what you got 'til it's gone / / they say that your darkest hour comes before your dawn

Monday, May 23, 2011

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind;

I watched the movie for the first time today. I remember when it first came out. I decided not to watch it because it wasn't a thriller/horror, and I was obsessed with that genre at the time. I wish I had. I should have watched it. I would have learnt so much about love, and what it is to fight for it, just from this movie. It's not about cliché sappy love that you believe it is. It's about the way your mind ticks when you think about someone. It's about the way memories play over and over again on this imaginary projector. It's about being able to feel them in your life, even when you're not in the same room together.

I wonder what it's like to forget someone you once loved. I mean, really forget them. Is it even possible ? To wake up one day, unaware of the impact they had on your life, and live like it never mattered ? Can you really do that ? I wonder what it's like to want to forget all those jokes, the giggles, the fights, the tears... All of it. The good and the bad. You'd forget all the lessons you learnt, you'd forget all the mistakes you made, and you'd forget all the times you got it right.

I don't think I'd want any of it to be forgotten. I'd want to remember. Every moment of it. To know that all of those moments combined are the reason why I'm where I am today, and who I am. That each step I took brought me here. It's because of all those hurtful relationships I've had in the past that I've become who I am. I'm not the same insecure and selfish person I once was. I'd never want to forget that.

When it all comes crashing down around you, and all you feel is emptiness, you should stop and breathe. Never pretend like it didn't happen, because as much as you wish you could forget, you're never going to. Whenever you think back on those times, it's always going to ache the same way. Forgetting it would only mean that a part of your life, that really did make you happy, even momentarily, wouldn't exist. A chunk of your heart would be gone. And you'd have no idea why. You'd just waste your life away, trying to fill a void that exists for reasons you don't understand. You'll never feel whole if you remove part of what used to be.

You can dig a hole in the ground, and fill it back up with the same soil, but it'll never be the same. The ground knows it's not the same, and the soil looks different. You can put it back, but it'll never be the way it was before. People are the same. You can break a heart, and you can mend it back together, but it's never going to be as whole as it once was. The trick is simply seeing the beauty in the cracks.

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