they say you don't know what you got 'til it's gone / / they say that your darkest hour comes before your dawn

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Seeker Lover Keeper;

I got a secret. I think I'm in love with missing you, more than I'm in love with you. That's why I go away all the time, that's why I travel the world and roam free ♥

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Life is guuuuud;

Thursday, I’m going to have a manicure with my best friend, Hannah.

Friday, I’m going to Art vs Science’s Experiment Tour with the lovely Laura-Kate.

And on the weekend, I’m being spoiled rotten with surprises from my wonderful boyfriend, Michael, as a belated birthday present.

Weeeeeeeeeeeee, so exited !

Only a month overdue;

I know it's Wednesday, but I couldn't upload yesterday for some shit reason. I can do this update-once-a-week thing for sure.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

More than life;

We're always taught, from the youngest age, that we should fight for what we want. Fight until death. That we shouldn't let others take our love things away from us. That we're meant to protect what means the most to us. And as we grow older, we keep holding on to the idea that it's okay to fight, even if it's a losing battle.

What if fighting for what you want, what you love most, keeps holding someone else back from fighting for what they want ?
What if you're getting in the way because you're holding on to something that wants to run away from you ?

One of the hardest things you'll ever have to face in life is letting go of something you want more than life. Or in some cases, someone you want more than life.

The question is - how do you know when you should let go ?

There's got to be a point in time where your eyes are opened to the fact that you're not making anything better. In fact, holding on to them, on to what you love most, is holding them back from becoming the best person they can be. And you hold onto them because you feel like you can't be the best you can be without them. You feel like they're the reason why you're a good person, and yet you're toxic for them. You end up becoming a leech, sucking the life out of them. All because deep down inside you know you're meant to fight for what you want.

And then, you both fight like cats and dogs because you want to keep things the same, while they want to change it. They're telling you it's for the best, but you can't see it. You don't want to believe that they could be just as happy, if not happier, without you as close, or even there at all. A small part of you starts to crumble away; you can feel a piece of your soul vanishing. And there's nothing you can do to stop it. No matter how hard or long you fight to keep holding on, it's only going to push them further away. It fuels their desire to resist you and they do everything in spite of you, just to show you that it's better off that way.

 So I'm saying this to you now - stop fighting for something you've already lost.

No matter what you say, or do, it's not going to change. This change was the best damn thing to happen, and if you can't see that, then you don't deserve to be apart of the great future that lays ahead. You're leeching the life out of them, and there's only so much I can put up with before I lose my shit at you. I know it's hard to understand, it's hard for me to say this, because I was once like you. You're only going to push them further away from you. So just accept that this is how things are going to be from now on, and move on with your life.

You have someone, right by your side, who's holding onto you because they love you. Go with that. Don't give up on something that'll work because you're holding onto something that's already past its expiry date. You had your chance, now accept that there are things that cannot be.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Suss it;

Sailor school uniform
Purple wig
Just bought these online for my Makina Hoshimura cosplay. She's one of the main characters from Shikabane Hime [Corpse Princess in English] and she's smoking hot. Now all I need are two toy replica sub-machine guns, and red ribbons for the plaits in the wig, and I'm set. I already have the shoes and the knee high socks, which is great because that means I save more money. On top of that, the store I bought this from also gave me a $30 discount voucher because I'm a new member. Work also approved my leave for that weekend. Couldn't have made a more convincing argument than that.

AVCon is one of my favourite times in the whole entire year. Last year, Michael and I got a hotel room and everything. It was the most fun I've had over two days.
Michael jumping on the hotel bed while drunk.
This girl is amazing and her Iron Man cosplay is the coolest I've ever seen.
She hand crafted each piece of metal.
I stalked this guy for hours because I was too shy to ask for a photo.
He's Ryuk, my favourite character from Death Note.
This is Natalie and I.
She looked so beautiful in that dress !
Master Chief from Halo.
This was also very cool.
I was so psyched when I saw these two.
Scorpion and Sub-Zero from Mortal Kombat.
Mortal Kombat was the very first Sony Playstation game I ever played.
We also made it into the Rip It Up magazine too (:

I cannot wait for this year. It's going to be even more amazing.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

/blows out imgainary candles;

It's my 23rd birthday today !

I'm going to quickly breeze over the events of last night because, let's be honest here, I don't really remember all of it. In fact, I don't remember the first time I vomited clearly enough to know whether it was actually the first time, or the second time, or the 7th time. I vomited a lot last night. And for my friends who might read this - I was spaghetti in my vomit, not chicken noodle soup !

My friends and I went to the Holdy for drinks, then moved to the Broady. I had a lot to drink. I went through two different kinds of cider [the Holdy and Broady have different ciders on tap], some crazy delicious shot that Justine bought me, a glass or two of champagne which I don't remember ordering, probably more drinks in between that I don't remember, and then a vicious drink that Araceli made up on the spot. Soda water, Cointreau and some other disgusting spirit. At first you taste nothingness because the flavours disguise themselves, but as soon as you swallow this bitter-acidic flavour lingers in your mouth. Almost like the acid you can taste after throwing up.

Funnily enough, I spent the latter part of the night actually throwing up several times with the aid of my amazing boyfriend and incredible friends. They held back my hair, held me up, and brought me water. Thank fuck I had Michael there or I would have landed face first into my own vomit had he not held on to me. We had to stop twice more on the car ride home because I couldn't hold it down. It also took Michael an hour to walk me up the small set of stairs at my house so I could crawl into bed, pass out, and force him into changing my clothes for me. You're probably wondering why it took an hour to walk up stairs that I climb on a daily basis. I spent most of it crying, laughing, throwing up some more, and then telling Michael that I needed to fart. The idea of all of that happening makes me giggle like a school girl.
In the two years Michael and I have been together, I think I've farted maybe two or three times in front of him... So when I think about talking to him about how desperate I was to fart, it brings on the giggles. It's not something I do in front of people. I don't mind if people do it in front of me, I just don't do it when people are around. I'd rather hold it for when I'm home alone.

Here are photos from my night. I'm done explain what happened. You can see it for yourself.
Angela and England

Hannah, Rachel, and Izzy - 3 of my favourite girls.

Probably the best photo of the night.

Jesse and myself.

Michael and someone's thumbs.

Izzy, Rachel and myself.

Ryan and myself.

Araceli and I dancing.

I love Araceli's photo bomb, but I love Ryan more.

Bradley and I. This is our birthday tradition.
Also, the white patch near my butt is actually Brad's finger bandage.

Bradley and myself, with that strange flute of champagne.

Larry and myself. For siblings, we don't look alike.

Martin and Brad, doing what they always do.

Angela and Justine pulling faces, a guy I don't recognise, Luke and then me.

At the Holdy, having our first couple of drinks.

Dancing with Angela and Justine.

Group huddle.

Brad loves it when Michael and I kiss, obviously.

Izzy, Angela, Luke, an attractive Justine, Whitey, and Rachel.

There's John, Luke, Izzy, my leg on the left with someone's head near my crotch in the middle.
I have no idea what's going on here.

These people are the best bit of my life.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

You guys are on and off again more often than a hooker's panties;

Break ups are hard enough on their own without the complications of fights and unwanted outside input, but you're just being ridiculous now. People like you, especially girls like you, annoy the fuck out of me. Seriously, stop and think before you act.

In the very precise moment where your relationship dissolves into nothingness, you immediately jump the gun and do what every poor sucker out there does to show that they're "better off than ever before." You go ahead and delete all the messages, all the photos, throw away anything that reminds you of, or is associated with, the freshly announced ex of yours - even go so far as to delete them from your life in every social aspect possible. And you do this because you want them to hurt like you do. You want them to feel as insignificant and meaningless as you do. And your justification ? If they can throw you away like you meant nothing, then you can do the same.

It's all bullshit, really. I mean, who are you kidding ? You can't honestly think that works. Just because you wipe out the physical reminders of your relationship, doesn't mean you don't have an actual memory bank full of your time together. Are you going to get some sort of hypnosis to fix that too ? Stop being an idiot. You don't realise this, but you look more desperate trying to get over them than you would if you just let it happen naturally. Besides, you always go back and pick up the pieces once an apology has been served on a silver platter your way. It's pathetic in all sense of the word.

You're a walking, talking, bullshit breathing, contradiction. You're always going on about how if someone can't handle you at your worst, than they don't deserve you at your best - but you're not willing to do that for others. Especially the person you're in a relationship with. You refuse to deal with them at their worst, and so you rightfully don't deserve them at their best. Why the fuck do you think it always ends up in misery ? Because you're a fucking hypocritical contradiction.

Have you no sense of independence and of self worth ? Do you really think a break up justifies who you are as a person, or the quality of person you are ? Do you really think pretending like it doesn't hurt, putting on a brave face, and telling everyone you're "better off without them" is going to make you feel better ? It doesn't. It's meant to fucking hurt everywhere. All of you is meant to ache, and it's supposed to last a decent amount of time. Pretending like it doesn't hurt, like it doesn't matter is fucking low and pathetic.

If you honestly, really, truly, deep down in the bottom of your heart, actually cared about that person and wanted them back, you'd show it by keeping all of that around. Not by throwing it all away like the careless and inconsiderate person you are. You don't give a shit how your actions affect anyone, ever. You never have, so why should anyone expect any different from you now ?

Monday, June 20, 2011

Better late than never;

I was always a little annoyed with the fact that you have a place where I feel I belong, but I had a fresh thought today. I don't have to care about you, or the connections people have with you. I don't need to care at all, and I don't know why I did in the first place.

Sure, you've moulded yourself quite nicely into the picture, but the picture's changing, and there's no room left for you. There's only enough room to fit me there now. Riiiiiiiight where you used to be. And I know you think you've still got that spot all to yourself, but you'd be lying if that were so. You up and left after all, and you can't manage it from where you are.

I'm right where I need to be to fill that spot and make it mine. It's well overdue and I deserve it. You're going to miss out on all the moments I'm here for. When they need someone to lean on, I'll be there and you'll be too busy with your own life to spare the time. But you know, it was bound to happen sooner or later. I guess that's how the cookie crumbles, don't you agree ?

And you're right - you have your own life to lead now. You can't spend all your time trying to rebuild the bridges you so suddenly burnt down. Distance may only be physical, but you certainly cannot enjoy the situations currently happening, or future ones to still happen, if you're not here. They're all you-had-to-be-there moments, and you're not here. I am.

You're not the kind of "best friends" to survive distance and months without speaking.

Au revoir.

Wurd to ya mother;

Morning Glory;

Michael and I went to Morning Glory on the weekend and got photos together. We were a little unprepared for our poses but this is how we are on a daily basis.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

We're the best couple ever;

On you know, just a casual conversation with my boyfriend. We were busy listening to the new I Set My Friends On Fire track and we obviously didn't want to turn down the music. Bitches be jealous of how awesome we are.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Have faith in me;

You could lose faith in music,
or lose faith in your friends.
You could lose your faith in breathing,
feel trapped in your own skin.

Oh, but I'll be right there beside you,
when the walls are caving in.
Oh, I'm not going anywhere.
But, when I let you down,
look past your doubt.
Just please, please,
don't lose your faith in me.
Please don't lose your faith in me.

I think, if you gave up on me, I'd give up on me, too. I don't even know what's happening anymore. I'm waking up every morning, and doing what I always do. I just... I feel empty now that I feel like I don't have a plan anymore. I mean, I never have a serious plan but at least I had some sort of direction. I know where I want to end up, but I'm not sure how to get there. Not anymore.

I can't explain it. It's like, where I want to be doesn't want me to be there. And even when I can see myself there, I just see myself. I'm alone. I don't know who's there beside me. I don't know who's going to be there at the end of it. I feel like, somewhat, what I'm doing is only for myself now. I don't want that. I want to do it because it makes other people happy, too, proud even.

I just.
I just...
I just don't want to live my life only for myself. For my own happiness.
I want to make people happy. Make them proud of me. Make them happy because I'm apart of their life.
I want to have the same effect on those I love as they have on me.

I guess, what I'm really saying, is that I want to feel like I have a purpose beyond my own happiness.

Solitude does not do me good. What the fuck is happening to me ?!

I always said I was going to;

Today I did. I just bought these from Black Milk Clothing.
Excuse me while I drool everywhere.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011


At first I felt like absolute shit whenever I couldn't get things right for you. I always made a mistake and you acted like it was the end of the fucking world. I always felt like nothing I did was good enough for you. I always felt like a disappointment.

You know what ?

F.U.C.K. Y.O.U.

If putting in all my effort to do things for you isn't good enough, then you can get fucked. You don't deserve me, and all the things I do for you. You don't deserve any of it, you selfish bastard. I don't need your bullshit, I don't need your negativity. I don't need anything from you. I never asked to be treated like shit, and I never did anything to deserve it.

At first, I thought I wasn't good enough for you. But that's not it at all. You're not good enough for me. I deserve someone who's going to appreciate me for all I'm worth. If that's not you, then get the fuck out of my life and go bullshit to someone else. If you can't give me the happiness I deserve, then you won't get anything from me.

You get what you give. And you've been half assing this from the beginning. Eat my fucking shorts.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Hip hip hooray;

On the 23rd of this month, I'll be turning 23 years old. I'm actually looking forward to it, and then turning 25. It's a well respected age to be. You really don't care what I think of about getting older, and really I don't feel like talking about it. I'm more excited for my present. Michael bought me this:
Orange Fox Head Ring
I'm so excited to get it. And then I got even more excited when I realised that there's a whole bunch of other stuff that I want. All of this is from one of my favourite Etsy stores - I'm Your Present. By the way - I FUCKING LOVE ETSY !
Panda Bear Dress
Black and Polka Dot Sheer Dress
Creme and Black Capelette Dress
Floral Print and Sheer Party Dress
Floral Short Sleeved Playsuit
Feel free to buy me anything in a size 8 for my birthday ;)