they say you don't know what you got 'til it's gone / / they say that your darkest hour comes before your dawn

Sunday, July 31, 2011

Day 8 - a moment you felt most satisfied with your life;

“As long as I have a want, I have a reason for living. Satisfaction is death.”
~George Bernard Shaw.
I'm always after something more than what I already have. Whilst I'm currently satisfied with my life as it is, I've never been completely satisfied, and I'm glad for that. That's not to say I'm not content with my life, because I assure you I am, it's just that while it does make me happy, there's still so much of my life yet to be lived to the fullest. You know what I mean ?
I'm only 23, for goodness sakes. There's more to life than what I know.

I'm actually quite thrilled about growing older and maturing. If I stay as I am, where I am, I'll never make anything of my life. There's so much potential to do great things with my life, and I need to want more than what I have to achieve that. I have a loving boyfriend, a supportive family [although they can be overbearing at times], the best bestfriends I could ask for, a stable job with future possibilities to further my career, a desire to fulfil my long term career goal, on-the-side projects that are more about me than making money or the likes, my loyal kitty who loves me dearly despite the cute torture I dish upon him, a home to keep me sheltered, a reliable car so I can see my friends and family, and so on... I have everything I currently need to maintain my happiness outside my desire for greater things.

Short answer: Right now, I'm mildly satisfied with my life because my desire for greater things prolongs the feeling of complete and utter satisfaction. What I have makes me happiest, but there are more things in store for me. Greater things that a mid-20 year old could possibly imagine.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Day 7 - Your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality;

I was born 23rd June, so that makes me a Cancer. Here's some of what had to say about Cancer, and what I find matches who I am;

Cancer, the fourth sign of the zodiac, is a water sign, which signifies your highly emotional nature. Being under the sway of the element of water also makes you highly caring, generous and intuitive. You are highly evolved, even spiritual — the water signs are karmically developed and refined in spirit.

You adapt when you have to, but you much prefer to make changes on your own terms.

You are for the most part a person of feeling and sensation. Often you will ignore your own judgment and rationality, and someone’s else’s reasonable advice, in favor of how you feel. You don’t care if you’re wrong, either! If your intuition tells you to do something, like reaching out to give someone a helping hand, you’ll just do it.

You find it difficult to turn away anyone in need. Anyone who knows you will agree that you are one of the best people to connect with if they need advice. Friends will turn to you if they are in trouble, knowing that your sensitive and compassionate touch will lighten their load.

You are extremely receptive to your environment and the people around you, and will often ‘pick up’ people’s energies, moods and thoughts. This ability serves you well; your intuition about people is quite often correct. Your knack of knowing people’s issues before they even open their mouths attracts them to you. The difficulty with this, though, is that you can tend to absorb their emotions — negative as well as positive.

You are a great success socially, because you can convey your wisdom to others so well — Cancerians have very expressive faces.

Music and writing are perfect vehicles for you. You can express the inner part of your being as entertaining literary, art or music pieces.

Cooking is also a great outlet for you. Even if you cook as a hobby rather than as a job, you will find that it balances your state of mind over time.

You love to collect or keep mementos — such as scrapbooks and other bits and pieces — that bring back memories of good times and people you care about. You have a great memory, not just for facts, but also any good turn or kindness you’ve received. 

If you are a Cancer born between 22nd June and 3rd July you are under the double influence of Moon. You are emotional, loving and destined in marriage and love life. However, try to curb your changeable emotions. Don't let sentimentality rule you.

If you were born between the 22nd of June and the 3rd of July, the power of the Moon is exceedingly strong in your case. Your moods will shift very powerfully in keeping with the phases of the moon, and to understand yourself more adequately, why not keep a calendar of the lunar phases so you can be a step ahead of what’s happening. Your romance and love life perfectly reflects who you are, particularly because you are so capable of nurturing others.
Well, there you go. I find it interesting that according to this my talents lay with music, writing, and cooking. I used to play piano [wish I still did, and thinking about taking lessons again], I want to become a writer, and cooking is something that has always come naturally to me. In fact, before leaving school, and deciding to become a nurse, I was going to become a chef. How amusing.

Don't even get me started on the memento thing. If you had a peek under my bed, you'd find all sorts of things I've kept from various events and such. I've called myself a "sentimental hoarder," turns out I wasn't far off on that assumption.

And how many times have I said that there are things about people I know because I just know ?! I TOLD YOU SO.

In all honesty, I don't believe that zodiac signs constrict our personalities to whatever description they say. People are people, and they're free to do as they please. I find this amusing more than anything. I find that most of these personality traits can be found in almost anyone, in fact I see a lot of my friends in these qualities, not just myself.

A spoon of sugar helps the medicine go down;

Usually when someone does something to hurt my feelings, I retaliate and give them a dose of their own medicine. You’re an exception; I could never be as heartless as you.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Day 6 - write 30 interesting facts about yourself;

  1. I am really not that interesting.
  2. I eat almost every 2 hours if I'm at home, or where food is nearby.
  3. For as long as I can remember, playing game consoles was all I ever did.
  4. I used to do belly dancing, for 5 years [1-2 hours a day, after school, for 5 years]. That's how I kept fit.
  5. Whenever I wasn't dancing or playing games, I was out riding my bike/scooter/skateboard/whatever with my brother.
  6. I am naturally skinny. I don't know how or why.
  7. In reference to #6; I actually hate it when people point out how skinny I am. If it were up to me, I'd weight at least another 5kg more.
  8. Writing isn't something I've recently become accustomed to. I've been writing in journals, and letters to people, since I was 8.
  9. In reference to #8; There are several things that will instantly make me dislike you when it comes to writing; a) people who can't spell correctly; b) people who use excessive amounts of ?????? or !!!!!; c) people who don't know how to use a comma appropriately, or at all; d) people who insist on starting sentences with a capital but refuse to follow that with pronouns; e) people who end every goddamn fucking sentence with !, it makes the little voice inside my head shout for no reason; and f) people who write massive sentences that drag on and on and on and on for lines.
  10. I used to be addicted to Coca-Cola. I barely drink it now. I drink more tea than anyone else I know. And it's a lot.
  11. People who don't know the difference between food allergies and food intolerances drive me mental. I'm hypersensitive to lactose, not allergic to it. If I eat it, or smell it, I won't die. Unlike someone who's allergic to peanuts/whatever, I just bloat and vomit.
  12. Majority of my diet consists of salads, and junk food.
  13. I have hundreds of little scars all over my body from scratching and cutting myself on various objects by accident.
  14. I was 17 when I lost my virginity, and didn't start drinking until then either.
  15. I'd rather drink wine, ciders, or tequila over beer and spirit mixes.
  16. When I was younger, my mother's partner told me I'd become "brain dead and end up in the gutter" if I didn't stop spending so much time on my laptop, as opposed to going out and dating boys. Computers run the world now, and I've been in a healthy and loving relationship for 2 years. Suck on that, motherfucker.
  17. Motherfucker and fuck are two of my favourite words. You can use them freely in any context. Try it.
  18. The only vanity issues I have are over my hair and eyebrows. They're the only two things I can control when it comes to my body.
  19. I used to have an incredible fear of needles. Body piercings and tattoos have cured that.
  20. I have depression. It comes and goes, but when it's here, it ruins everything.
  21. I plan to write a novel. I finally worked out my story, but finding a beginning is trickier than I thought. I'm not telling you what it's about, so don't ask.
  22. People who believe that writers need to be articulate are assholes. Let me tell you now, writers write for their audience. If the audience is 2 year olds, do you think they'll understand you ? No, they won't because you're being a pompous asshole. Shove off.
  23. I honest to heaven believe some people are set to copy me in almost everything. It always starts off small, but then I notice that almost everything is a shadow of something I've already done. And it's not like, "Oh, I liked playing video games all along, too, but kept it a secret because I thought it was dorky," kind of thing. This is a, "Oh, Bianca likes video games, I'm totally into video games now, even though years ago I said they were stupid and lame," thing. Get the fuck out.
  24. This list is surprisingly easier than I thought it would be.
  25. I hate my friends when they don't invite me places because they think all I ever want to do is see my boyfriend. I spend an incredible amount of time with my boyfriend because no one invites me anywhere anymore. If you want to make plans, say so and I'll make time for you. Otherwise I am going to be with Michael. It's not like I enjoy sitting at home on my own waiting for invites out that never come. Fuck you guys.
  26. My favourite Pokemon is Abra. My favourite character to use on Super Smash Brother Mele is Young Link. I never make my Sims look like me. Yoshi's Island is my favourite SNES game. Fullmetal Alchemist is my all time favourite anime, along with Elfin Lied. I have a whole bunch of collectable stuff for various animes.
  27. When I buy a house, there will be a library room where I can read and write in peace.
  28. 3, 6 and 9 are my favourite numbers, although I hate when things aren't in pairs.
  29. My hands and feet are always icy cold.
  30. I hate people, not because I'm jealous or envious, but because I hate the things they do/say/think. I love to hate them because I use them as an example of what I should not do in life. If you're wondering whether I mean you or not, then I obviously mean you. I am not a subtle kind of girl.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Going back on my word;

I always said I would never let myself attach a memory of a specific person to a favourite song of mine. I went back on my word the night I heard this song live; the night you said this song was for me. I don't think you understood how much this song meant to me, and how much more it means now. I promised myself that I wouldn't make an exception because I was afraid that I could no longer listen to my favourite song without feeling a huge emptiness if things went awry between us. I guess I'm not afraid of that happening. Maybe I am but I just don't care about that possibility because it's not happening now.

That's one of the greatest things about being with you; that I live in the moment; I live in the now. I haven't been able to do that in years. I have you to thank for teaching me such wonderful things that I had once forgotten. It's like you spring life into the parts of me that I thought had died off, or at least been hidden so far away that I couldn't find them anymore. For as long as I've known of my ability to write, I've always been a tragedy writer. I could never write anything pleasing, or remotely happy. That was, until you came into the picture. Now, I play songs that remind me of content moments together and it pours out. I can't control it, and if this post is anything to go by, it feels as natural as riding bike for the first time in several years. Kind of one of those things you never forget how to do. Like walking, or chewing without biting my tongue. Or the same way you know you're meant to swing your legs back and forth to go higher on the playground swings.

The way you affect me is unlike any other. It's beyond crazy. It's beautiful. Wonderful. Incredible. Sensational. Angelic. Marvellous. Exquisite. Fascinating. It's every part of everything that makes up being perfect rolled up into one. You bring out feelings within myself that I've never felt before. Honest.

I'm going out on a limb saying all of this - declaring how magical all of this is to me. I don't think you understand how exceptional you really are. I find you positively captivating and enchanting.

Day 5 - A time you thought about ending your own life;

Ugh, such a depressing topic. I'm going to take this half heartedly because I'm a fucking emotional wreck when I get into this shit too much. Also, I'm listening to Shutterbug - Big Boi, so it's unlikely that I'm going to get all sappy on your butts.

To sum it up, there's only been two times where I've wanted to die. Literally.
  1. I was 17, let a boy tell me what to do, and lost everything that meant anything to me.
  2. Last year, I put my kitty outside at night time because he was driving me mental. He got hit by a car and was extremely lucky to have survived.
There. No biggie. I've never felt like that other than those two moments. As such, I promised myself that I'd never, everrrrrrrr, let a boy tell me what to do. Everrrrrrrrr. I also paid over $1000 for my cat to have surgery and such to make him all better. He now avoids cars and bright lights at night time.

Here's a picture of apple pie and ice cream to lighten the mood.
I'm craving this like a motherbitch right now.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011


When I heard this song, this is what came out.

Isn't it funny how the things you once hated are now the things you adore ? Sometimes I wonder if the person I used to know, the person I thought you were, was the real you. Maybe the person you are now is the real you, and I only knew a transitional you. The you I once knew, that person was just the middle you who bridged you to who you are now. And it makes me question if I influenced part of this change that I loathe so much.

Was I one of the reasons why you wanted to change so much ?
Am I apart of the hate that fuelled this ?
Is this all my fault ?

You could answer those questions, and all it would do is confirm that you're not the same person I remember. Now I'm spending days second guessing everything that you've ever said to me. I can't help but to think it was all a lie, that none of it was real, because that wasn't the real you.

The real you doesn't like me these days. Makes me wonder if I was the real me with you, too.

What kind of person could I have been to have done all those terrible things ?
Who was I ?
Who am I now ?

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Day 4 - your views on religion;

Just live a life of happiness, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religion, age, ethnicity, and you'll be a peaceful person. People are people. No matter what we believe in, we're all equals.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Day 3 - your views on drugs and alcohol;

My view on drugs and alcohol is no more a concern to you than your view to me. Either way, neither of us is going to change because of the other. I think that's a very important thing to remember. I'm not one for force feeding you my morals when you have a life to live of your own, built upon morals that suit you. And who the fuck am I to judge you ?

Personally, I'm not a fan of drugs. I've had my share of experiences, some not as grand as the reviews I heard from others, but nonetheless they were enough to form my own educated opinion. I would rather live off pure adrenaline than "drop a pinger and ride it out."

As for alcohol - I'm a fan, if done appropriately. Which is almost hypocritical coming from me because I'm one of the biggest binge drinkers I know. I go weeks, sometimes months, without a single drink, then randomly decide I'm going to get "slizzard" [that's the word kids are using now, yes ?], wake up the next morning with a killer hangover, then vow never to do it again. Total lie because I still continue that habit. What can I say, I like to be reckless on occasion.
In saying that, I still don't approve of those who abuse alcohol to the point that their body starts to shut down. Indulge in toxins all you want, so long as you have control. The moment someone loses control is the moment I lose respect from them. I'm a person who has great self control, which is why I don't drink often, and why I said I'm a hypocrite because someone with self control wouldn't get "slizzard" regardless of temptation. The same standards and expectations I hold of others are the same I hold for myself. Why should I expect more from others than I'm willing to give ?

Generally speaking though, each to their own. Do as you please, but don't let it affect me or I'll shred you.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Day 2 - Where you'd like to be in 10 years;

Today, I had two residents pass away, one of which I was fond of. It's put a lot of things into perspective; I've realised what's really important, and what I can leave to chance. I don't really know. To be honest, I get bored easily, and life is too unpredictable to depend on. I need to stop letting people who have no impact on my life bother me. Fuck bitches.

I want to complete my novel. I've finally found the story I'm going to write about. Unfortunately, starting said story is more difficult that I first thought.

Also, I want to be happy and in love. Is that too much to ask for ?

Monday, July 18, 2011

Day one - current relationship;

Maybe starting while half asleep wasn’t a great idea. Then again, half of the best things I write are when I’m half in reality, and half wandering elsewhere inside my own mind.
I can’t accurately describe the way Michael makes me feel, because I’m still trying to understand all these new feelings he brings about inside of me. And to be honest, I don’t want to over romanticise it, either.

Michael is one the best things that has ever happened to me. Tall call, but it’s true. He’s not the sole greatest thing, but he’s pretty damn high. He is, although, the sole reason why I’ve found and held onto a form of happiness and self confidence I’ve never felt before. Being with Michael makes me feel good about myself, even great. I could go into great depths about why I love him, and how wonderful he is, but it wouldn’t amount to how it feels on the inside.

I’ll say this. Michael makes me feel so good about who I am on the inside so much so that I can do two things with him, that I’ve never done with anyone else before.
  1. I can make eye contact, at close proximity, without a shred of fear.
  2. Being naked around him makes me feel sexy.
If you know me at all, you’d know these are two huge developments for myself. In fact, I like them so much I do them often.

Because I get fucking bored of thinking for myself;

Second sucks;

“They’re only bad or evil because they’re deeply unhappy.”
~ Helena Bonham Carter.
Sometimes I forget why you do the things you do. Why you so desperately try to ruin my happiness. It's because you're miserable and lonely. You're so unhappy that bringing me down with you somehow makes you feel better about yourself. Because if someone else is sadder than you, then it makes you feel like you're happier than they are, even though you know it's a lie.

I get it now. For each day more that I stand in this place, it means I'm one day closer to surpassing all that you ever were. And you're terribly afraid of that. If I surpass you, it means you weren't the best thing to happen. It means you're second best. And second sucks.

I wonder how much more poking and prodding I can do before you'll crack.

Cosplay teaser;

I'll be going as Makina Hoshimura from Shikabane Hime.
Just a sneak peak at the wig. If I take a photo of the whole cosplay, it'll ruin it for the weekend. The fringe is in desperate need of a trim though, so I'll have to get someone professional to cut it. It looks more blue than purple here thanks to my stupid iPhone's contrast.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Justin Time;

I finally received the confirmation email about my cosplay package. About fucking time. AVCon is this weekend coming [22nd - 24th July], and I was starting to stress my little beehive bottom off because I thought I was never going to get it. Thank fuck for that ! It's actually supposed to be arriving the 18th July, which is tomorrow, so that's brilliant timing. Now I can stop worrying and start finding the final pieces for the cosplay. All I need are toy versions of two Ingram MAC-11 machine guns, some red ribbon, and I'm all set. If per chance my cosplay package still isn't here in time, and let's all hope it is because I paid for express shipping and PayPal really doesn't want to deal with an aggressive nerd complaining about China taking their fucking slow ass time delivering my package, I still have a back-up. C'mon guys, this is me we're talking about; I always have a plan B up my sleeve.

Sunday just keeps getting better and better for me. Started with a sleep in, woke up next to my lovingly handsome boyfriend, had brunch with a cup of tea made for me by said lovingly handsome boyfriend, received my confirmation email, did some internet lurking on Matt Lewis [because puberty has never produced such a handsome gentleman as him before], and tonight is the night I burst out into tears for hours over the final Harry Potter movie.
I also managed to prove to myself two things - ignorance is indeed blissful but a lying hussy as well, and some things are better left unsaid.

Oh, and I also have Monday off, so expect an update of my last two weeks via a YouTube vlog. I'm having a queen size bed delivered, lunch with my school girls, waiting for my cosplay package like an abandoned wife waiting up all night for her cheating husband to come home, and then some time to enjoy playing with my new purple wig. I promise I'll squeeze in an update somewhere. I didn't update my vlog last week due to the fact that I'm too hyped up about Harry Potter that nothing else matters. I'm not sorry about that.


Friday, July 15, 2011

Up all night;

Everyone's cross to bears the crown they wear on endless holiday.
Everyone raises kids in a world that changes life to a bitter game.
Everyone works and fights, stays up all night to celebrate the day.
And everyone lives to tell the tale of how we die alone some day.

Let me get this straight, do you want me here?

As I struggle through each and every year.
And all these demons, they keep me up all night.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Ding dong;

Well, this is awkward. I'm that 20% who didn't meet anyone at the age of 16. Thinking about it now, when I was 16, I was too busy with my xbox and Nintendo 64 to worry about boys. N3RD LYF~

But seriously, these sorts of "facts" piss me off. The boy I was dating years ago was in fact 16 [though I was older, as usual], which would imply that I would be the person he's going to marry. Considering we're no longer together, this "fact" is invalid. Unless, of course, he happens to be that 20% who never got to meet that person. See why I hate these stupid things ?

You know what I also dislike ? The fact that everyone, and I mean everyone, who asks how long Michael and I have been together, automatically assumes we're going to get married because two years is a "long time to date." Excuse me, but I'll be the one to judge that, thank you very much. Two years, in the whole scheme of things, really isn't that much. I mean, think about it - getting married means for the rest of my life - which is roughly around another 60 or so years [providing I don't have any accidents along the way]. Two years, in my opinion, is hardly enough time to determine whether we'd last 60 years or not. For goodness sake, we're only just about to move out together.

And this sort of "pressure" is coming from almost everyone, except the two people who matter most - Michael and myself. His mum, my mother, my grandparents, a few of our friends, almost everyone I work with, almost all of my residents... Everyone ! Yo, back the fuck up, please. I use the word "pressure" lightly, and with quotation marks, to emphasise that it's not pressure that's going to amount to something, it's pressure that makes me want to kill people. I dislike this idea that people have some sort of expectation that we're totally, undeniably, 100% in love with each other so much so that we're ready to make a life long commitment. I mean, yes, we're in love and we're happy, but seriously; marriage ? My cat, Ichigo, is one life long commitment enough. I don't need people pushing the idea of marriage and kids on me any more than I need someone giving me a lobotomy.

If, and when, I'm ready to get married, you'll be the first to know. Until then, let me live out my relationship the way I see best. I don't want people "pressuring" us to get married, or have this crazy expectation, at such an early stage of our relationship. In reality, Michael and I might not last that long. As hard as it is to admit that, and as much as I don't want to break up, the truth is that it might one day end. Besides, I made Michael promise me never to promise something he couldn't keep - no exceptions. This is one of those things I would rather leave a mystery than have him promise, us break up, and then feel like a complete utter fool for thinking it was ever possible.

Ugh, I'm not like other girls. I'm not like you, either. Is it really that strange ?

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

A whole bunch of maybe;

Lately I've found it near impossible to write anything that's coherent enough that others will understand without having to turn mad first. My mind's gone wandering without me; I've found myself feeling like this too many times to enjoy it. I think, today, I'll just write what comes to mind. Even if none of it matters, even if none of it connects. I just need to clear my head of the garbage mound I've created out of nothingness.

No names. Nothing specific. Anonymous confessions. Take them how you will. Make it personal, or brush it off. I don't care.

Let's face it. I don't have the heart to fight against you anymore. Doing so has forced me to become vexed more often and on a stronger level than usual. I'm not giving up, I'm just done with this tiresome game. If you're going to take it from me, then take it. If you're only going to toy with this, then toy with it. I don't care for troublesome people like you. It takes too much energy to be angry with you, and I simply cannot spare more time than you deserve. I'm beginning to wonder if you're only doing this because it vexes me. That's probably it. From now on, you don't matter. When it comes to you, I'm content feeling empty. If that's the only way we'll both move forward from this, than it shall be that way.

I don't understand you. Maybe it's because I've never had a soft spot for people who have trampled on my heart like you do. Maybe because I'm cold hearted. Maybe because I refuse to let someone dictate what I can do with my life. Maybe because I don't care for those who waste my time. And I'm wondering; am I sticking around because I've developed a soft spot for you ? I hope that's not the case. Carry on the way you always have, and there'll come a day where I'll have to leave you behind. I hope I haven't developed a soft spot for you, otherwise walking away is going to kill me. I don't think I'll make it out okay this time. I barely survived last time.

You keep calling me "strong." I'm really not. I wish I were so I wouldn't continue putting up with more than I need. Obviously I don't see myself the same way you see me. I wish, for one day, I could sit behind those pearly eyes of yours and watch myself live. Maybe then I'd have a better understanding of who I am and what I'm capable of. Maybe then I'd have the same confidence and faith in myself that you have in me. Sometimes, I think about how different things could have been without you. I'm forever in your debt for the happiness you've brought into my life.

One day, you're going to wake up and realise that you've been left behind. Everyone's growing up. We're all accepting the responsibilities that come with being a young adult, and most of us are living up to the expectations of those around us. But not you. You're still pulling the same old childish stunts you were years ago. You're still relying on everyone else to give you what you need. You cannot get it yourself. You're not mature enough. I don't take you seriously. I guess I never really did. That's probably why I did what I did without falter. The only thing you've ever taken seriously are the things that don't matter. And the saddest part about all of this is that you still think you're as popular, cool, supported, and loved as you were years ago. You're not. When you fall down next time, you're going to have to pick yourself up alone. There won't be anyone by your side, no one will run to your aid. We're all too busy with our own mature and adult lives to waste our time on someone as juvenile as yourself.

I'll leave this one short and to the point - I want to be one of those people you run to when you need someone. I know it won't happen over night, but I wish it did.

Please stop pressuring me to do more than I can. I know my own limits, and pushing me will only make me push back harder. You need to let me do my own thing, in my own time, my own way. I am not a child, I am not incapable of making decisions for myself, and I am not oblivious to the future possibilities ahead of me. Be there for me when I need you. If you help me every step of the way, I'll never learn how to do it by myself. I have to crawl before I run.

A friend of mine said that she no longer feels sadness from the things that usually would spark rage, and as such she feel heartless. For a while, I thought that's what I was feeling - heartless. The things that usually would have me up in a brawl no longer affected me. I was beginning to think I had lost the ability to feel. I've since realised that this is not the case. My heart has only awoken to the idea that it can shut out people on its own without my approval. It no longer cares for those who are less than deserving. It's a frightful thing to acknowledge, but a glorious thing to accept. Once you know your heart can defend from such awful feelings as sadness and hurt, you soon feel as though you're invincible to the pain others can bring you.

They say what makes a writer a great writer is depression. Because of depression, you're able to feel the lowly lows and the peaks of happiness. You go from reaching euphoria to crashing and burning at rock bottom. You feel deeper than the average person because you desire to feel normal again, and anything that resembles normality is good enough. Maybe that's why I hang on to my depression so fondly. Maybe I'm afraid of ridding myself of depression because I'll lose my muse. A depressed writer knows of the glories of happiness and love because they desperately seek out any means possible to obtain it. And it's because of that desperation that they can lay down the words that wrap themselves around your heart and soul so tightly that you feel what they feel, too.
I find myself writing how I feel more often than feeling what I write.

"You cannot be a good writer of serious fiction if you are not depressed"
~ Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

This is getting ridiculous;


Saturday, July 9, 2011

Winter winds;

And my head told my heart,
"Let love grow."
But my heart told my head,
"This time no,
This time no" 

Sometimes, to feel better, you have to let the feeling really sink in. Really feel the pain. Once you've felt it, then it can finally get better. Because no matter how difficult things are, you've already felt your worst.

Please stop blaming all of this on me.

I always wondered how people could just wake up one day and completely feel different. That is, until it happened to me. I thought those people were cruel and malicious; they were heartless. I was so wrong. If you do it for the right reasons, it's the best thing you can do. And honestly, I can't think of a time where this happens for the wrong reasons.

I woke up one day with an unfamiliar feeling deep down inside of me. All of a sudden, without warning or slight indication, I woke up feeling like a different person. My inner self felt different, and my outer self couldn't understand it. It really was one of those true and honest moments where the heart and mind do not agree. My heart said it was time to move on, but my head hadn't a clue why. None of it made sense but I knew it was the right thing to feel.

There's a clear difference between giving up and knowing you deserve better. Figuring out which is which when in a troublesome situation is always a tricky thing. Most of the time, your head says, "No," while your heart says, "One more time." Yet, there may come a day where it's the opposite, and you're not sure why, but you can't argue with it. No matter how many times your head says to give it another shot, your insides ache with a dull pain that ushers disagreement. The heart knows what it wants, and what it doesn't. You cannot fool the heart. It just feels what it feels, it doesn't have doubtful thoughts like the mind does. And it's because of this that the heart does not need a logical or clear reason why it feels strange.

Nevertheless, you can't avoid the way you now feel. I tried to drown it out with logic and reason, but my heart wouldn't listen. It wasn't willing to compromise or bargain. I wasn't given a choice, or an ultimatum; I had no say in the matter. And just like that, I didn't feel anything anymore. I had no reason nor desire to hold a conversation with that person. I didn't want to see them either. There were no emotional ties binding me to them. And if any were remaining, they were about to be cut dead short. In that precise moment, I directly cut that person out of my life. They had as little warning as I had.

Thinking back on it now, I understand what my heart had done. My heart refused to be beaten down, hurt, cracked, or broken again. It had had enough even when I hadn't noticed. I thought I could go on longer, perhaps forever long, but I guess my brain had caught me up in a delusion so great that my heart put a stop to it. I had grown tired of the lies, of the hurt, of the betrayal, of everything that went wrong, and of everything I knew would go wrong. I always hear that saying, "True love conquers all," but I disagree. Sometimes, just sometimes, love isn't enough to keep it going. Sometimes, it's because the love is so grand that you let go in hopes that a great weight will be lifted from your chest. You don't feel free, quite as yet, but you feel unchained. And that's good enough for the time being.

Love is a heavy emotion to hold. We let go of it, even when we'd rather not, so that the heavy weight stops pressing down on our chest. For the first time since falling into the depths of love, you can breathe without the chains tightening.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Friday nights;

Off to a friend's 21st for a couple of hours. Work on the weekends has canned all my plans. Fuckshitballs.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

I talk a lot of shit, bite me;

Three days late, and it's finally here. My laptop hates me when I make vlogs.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011


If the last person you kissed, kissed you again, would you start kissing them back?
Most certainly. I love Michael's kisses.

Explain what you will be doing in three hours?
Sleeping, fo sho'.

How old is everyone that you last hung out with?
Mostly in their early 20's.

When is the last time you did something illegal?
I don't know, probably minor speeding while driving.

When is the last time you yawned?
Just now. Did you know - yawning is the most contagious thing in the world. Just reading the word, hearing the word, saying the word, thinking about yawning, or watching someone else yawn, will ultimately make you do the same.

When is the last time you gave someone a dirty look?
I don't know. It's been a while.

Are you a rude person?
Unintentionally, I can be. Michael's always there to kick my ass in line though.

Do you think the next person you kiss will kiss better than your last?
His kisses get better every time.

Are you planning any upcoming vacations?
Fiji soon, as well as Melbourne.

When was the last time you spent time with the one you have feelings for?
This morning. Boom.

What’s something you’re excited for?
At the moment, the closest event that I'm excited for is AVCon.

Are you trying to avoid liking somebody at the moment?
Not in the slightest. I have every intention of letting myself love Michael as much as I feel I can.

Was yesterday better than today?
Yes, yesterday was my day off. Today I had a horrible day at work.

Did you dance today?
A little bit. I always do when pushing residents in their wheel chairs.

Do you drink more apple or orange juice?
Neither. I don't really drink anything apart from tea and water.

Will you be up before 7am tomorrow?
5:51am wake up. I start work at 7am.

Do you think anyone has feelings for you?
Michael loves me dearly. I know he does (:

At this moment in time, do you wish you could trade places with someone else?
Not for a second.

Have you left some things unsaid with a certain person?
A lot of things, but there'll come a day where that changes. I'm waiting for that day.

What is the best thing that’s happened in the past week?
My weekend away with Michael for my birthday.

The worst?
Being diagnosed with Iron Deficiency Anemia and Vitamin D Deficiency isn't the greatest thing in the world.

Is there someone you used to talk to every single day that you don’t talk to now?
Plenty of people, but we all grow and change over time. That's life.

Would you rather have long or short hair?
Looooooooooooooong. It's almost there.

Will you be in a relationship next month?
Yes. I can safely and confidently say that.

Ever liked someone who was married?
Ha ! No.

Who pissed you off today?
Mother. I was sososo angry.

What were you doing at 4am?
Trying to sleep, but failing miserably.

When you watch movies at home, do you like the lights on or off?
Either or. I don't care.

Did you cry today?
I did, when I was sososo angry at mother.

Will tomorrow be better than today?
Better fucking be. Long day at work but eh.

Do you have tan lines?
I do, despite being so pale.

Would you eat a cockroach for your last ex if they asked you?
I do not let my ex boyfriends determine what I can and cannot do. Fuck that.

Have you ever punched a hole in the wall?
Ah, no. But I did kick open my bedroom door which made a hole in the wall with the door handle.

Are you waiting for anyone to call right now?
Not unless Michael wanted to say goodnight.

Honestly, is there someone on your mind that shouldn’t be?
Michael and happy thoughts are what's on my mind.

Last person you kissed?

What was the last thing you drank?

Are you slowly drifting away from someone?
Nope. I'm all good.

Are you wasting your time on the person you like?
Not even close.

Have you ever seen the last person that text messaged you in person?
It was from work, so yes.

If the person you like said they like someone else, what would you say?
"Okay then. It's over."

The last time you kissed someone, what color shirt were you wearing?
My work clothes this morning.

Who did you last hug?

How long have you liked the person you like?
2 years. And it's a love thing.

Have you ever dated someone more than once?
Ahyup. And ?

Has anyone ever called you a whore?
Fuck off. I'm far from it.

Think back to the last person you held hands with, would you kiss them?
Over and over again. Oh wait, I already do.

Who called you last?
Errr, Ruth.

Do you have feelings for someone?
Obviously I do.

Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 months from now?
3 months from now will be October, and that's when Michael and I plan to be living together. You figure it out.

Is there a girl that you can say honestly knows everything about you?
Celeste does. She's the other half to my soul.

What was the last thing you saw on TV?
I don't watch tv, but it was the weather report on a resident's tv.

Are you a friendly person?
Unless I have reason not to be, yes.