they say you don't know what you got 'til it's gone / / they say that your darkest hour comes before your dawn

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Winter winds;

And my head told my heart,
"Let love grow."
But my heart told my head,
"This time no,
This time no" 

Sometimes, to feel better, you have to let the feeling really sink in. Really feel the pain. Once you've felt it, then it can finally get better. Because no matter how difficult things are, you've already felt your worst.

Please stop blaming all of this on me.

I always wondered how people could just wake up one day and completely feel different. That is, until it happened to me. I thought those people were cruel and malicious; they were heartless. I was so wrong. If you do it for the right reasons, it's the best thing you can do. And honestly, I can't think of a time where this happens for the wrong reasons.

I woke up one day with an unfamiliar feeling deep down inside of me. All of a sudden, without warning or slight indication, I woke up feeling like a different person. My inner self felt different, and my outer self couldn't understand it. It really was one of those true and honest moments where the heart and mind do not agree. My heart said it was time to move on, but my head hadn't a clue why. None of it made sense but I knew it was the right thing to feel.

There's a clear difference between giving up and knowing you deserve better. Figuring out which is which when in a troublesome situation is always a tricky thing. Most of the time, your head says, "No," while your heart says, "One more time." Yet, there may come a day where it's the opposite, and you're not sure why, but you can't argue with it. No matter how many times your head says to give it another shot, your insides ache with a dull pain that ushers disagreement. The heart knows what it wants, and what it doesn't. You cannot fool the heart. It just feels what it feels, it doesn't have doubtful thoughts like the mind does. And it's because of this that the heart does not need a logical or clear reason why it feels strange.

Nevertheless, you can't avoid the way you now feel. I tried to drown it out with logic and reason, but my heart wouldn't listen. It wasn't willing to compromise or bargain. I wasn't given a choice, or an ultimatum; I had no say in the matter. And just like that, I didn't feel anything anymore. I had no reason nor desire to hold a conversation with that person. I didn't want to see them either. There were no emotional ties binding me to them. And if any were remaining, they were about to be cut dead short. In that precise moment, I directly cut that person out of my life. They had as little warning as I had.

Thinking back on it now, I understand what my heart had done. My heart refused to be beaten down, hurt, cracked, or broken again. It had had enough even when I hadn't noticed. I thought I could go on longer, perhaps forever long, but I guess my brain had caught me up in a delusion so great that my heart put a stop to it. I had grown tired of the lies, of the hurt, of the betrayal, of everything that went wrong, and of everything I knew would go wrong. I always hear that saying, "True love conquers all," but I disagree. Sometimes, just sometimes, love isn't enough to keep it going. Sometimes, it's because the love is so grand that you let go in hopes that a great weight will be lifted from your chest. You don't feel free, quite as yet, but you feel unchained. And that's good enough for the time being.

Love is a heavy emotion to hold. We let go of it, even when we'd rather not, so that the heavy weight stops pressing down on our chest. For the first time since falling into the depths of love, you can breathe without the chains tightening.

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