they say you don't know what you got 'til it's gone / / they say that your darkest hour comes before your dawn

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Crystal ball;

By the time I'm 40, either one of these will be a definite:
  • I'll be happily married and with children, in a house that I can call my own, with a successful career that makes me happy. Or...
  • I'll be unmarried, dissatisfied with everything in my life, spending my nights getting drunk in my own lonesome house, screaming at the movies that gave me the exact idea of what love is meant to be, because I'm missing out on it.
If there's one thing I've learnt from the elderly residents I work with, it's that growing old with someone is one of the most magical things you can go with your life. And the more and more I think about the possibility of it happening for me, the more and more excited I am about growing older and the future. Bring it, Life. Showmewhatyougot.

P.S: I Love You;

We're so arrogant, aren't we? So afraid of age, we do everything we can to prevent it. We don't realize what a privilege it is to grow old with someone. Someone who doesn't drive you to commit murder or doesn't humiliate you beyond repair.
~ P.S: I Love You.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Confession #002;

Saying goodbye to such a rushed part of my life was a difficult thing to do at best. In retrospect, we burnt out. We ignited each other just as quickly as we doused the flames. We were nothing more than a 3 second flicker of hope. Hope, that things could get better. Hope, that it wasn't always going to be heartache. Hope, that we could find someone who could break the mould our past lovers created. Hope, that love really did exist, and we could find it if only we knew where to look. Look, properly. We didn't find it in each other. We were fooling ourselves. It was easier than admitting we were lonely and craving affection. It was easier than calling it "a fling." It was easier than being honest, knowing it was nothing more than physical desire. Lust.

We were never meant to last. We were meant to be a stepping stone. A stepping stone to greater and happier lives. We saw what we wanted, just in the wrong place. I never belonged to you. Even though you called me, "my girl," I was always going to fly free from your caged arms. You didn't bother to lock with a key. You knew just as well as I did that this was always going to be a 3 second flicker.

I learnt the best life lessons from you. Never rush things. Never make promises I can't keep. Never cross the line. Never look back wondering, "what if ?" Always do what makes you happiest. Follow your heart. In the 3 second flicker that we were, I learnt more about myself, and what I needed in another, than I had from the 3 year ember I tried to keep alight with a past lover.

Remember how we spoke of finding that kind of love that simply made you happy because the person you woke up next to in the morning was always going to be there ? I found it. The person I described, the person I desired in my life, is now the person I'm in love with. If it wasn't for the 3 second flicker of a mistake I made with you, I wouldn't have been able to lay ashes with ashes. I'd still be puffing away at an ember that had long gone out.

The love I have in my life burns so greatly, that if I truly give my all to it, I think my soul would explode. My skin would boil, my heart would melt, and my soul would burn so intensely that I'd lose myself in the brightness. My whole existence would be swallowed up whole.

Day 17 - highs and lows of this year;

I'm not going to be exact with this and just limit the time frame from the beginning of 2011 until now. It'll make things easier on my memory.

Either ringing in the new year unemployed, or currently working a second job that's actually only rostering me on for 30 minutes per week. Either way, it fucking sucks. Also, because my second job is so shit, I'm unable to move out of home since my income isn't high enough. Going to quit and find another second job. Sick of it.

Most certainly would be completing a Cert III in Aged Care, gaining employment in my chosen career field, celebrating two year anniversary with Michael, and the weekend he and I spent together for my birthday. The New Year's Eve/Day party that my best friend, Ryan, hosted was actually the first year I had fun.

Friday, August 26, 2011

I feel a head cold coming on;

Seriously considering going for a long drive while wearing my pjs. What ? It's dark, no one will see them.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Confession #001;

Living underneath this guilt
I cant leave a house that I have built
Though I feel it sinking further every time
And the weight of my mistakes
Means that everything I touch breaks
I don't want to see you as the next in line

So that's why I wont wake you where you lie

If I could now I'd freeze time
I cant find forever in your eyes
I should leave you while they're dry

I wrote this long and emotional entry, highlighted it all, and wrote this in its place. I think the thoughts this song sparks inside my head are better left there. Maybe one day, when what I dream about is close to becoming a reality, I'll rewrite it and share it. Until then, this will have to remain a part of me. A little mystery is good for the heart. I'll end on a final note;

Whenever I tell you it's not going to happen, my stomach drops so far it feels like it's reached the Earth's core. I've never felt anything like it. It feels like I'm Alice falling down the rabbit hole. I'm chasing something I can see, but I'm not sure if I'll ever reach it. I'm terrified. I don't know what I'm doing.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Sweet drops of rain;

Do you remember what it felt like to get excited when it started to rain, knowing you were going to get caught in it and didn't mind ? There's a moment where you weight up two options; stay under shelter and keep dry, or go out and try to catch rain drops on your tongue. You go with the second option, excited with the anticipation of the gentle rain.

You stand there, arms wide open, head up towards the sky, almost like you're begging. You open your mouth, just enough for your tongue to become exposed, and you wait. You can feel the gentle drops of rain kiss your eyelids, and the way your eyes twitch when it happens. You stand there for a minute, feeling the rain soak you from head to toe. Almost like it's cleaning away all the negative thoughts from your day. You're at peace with everything, in your own little bubble, under you own little cloud, waiting for the water to trickle down your tongue.

After a few minutes, you begin to wonder if it's going to happen at all. Nothing has come from it yet, so why would it change now ? Your head tilts down and you taste nothing but bitter defeat from Mother Nature. A little voice inside your head says to wait longer, so you raise your head once more, and poise yourself for the moment you've been waiting for. A drop hits you blank square in the forehead, and you know it's going to happen. Your heart races only a fraction more, and then... Sweet joy. The first drop hits your tongue and it's like your tasting water for the firs time. It's never been cleaner, more soothing. Nothing else matters except catching rain drops on your tongue.

That's exactly how a hug feels when you need it. You feel like you've been standing out in the pouring rain waiting for that moment of complete utter peace, until someone wraps their arms around you and washes all that pain away. It's all you care about, and it's exactly what you needed.

Whenever it rains, I always think of hugging someone. Even for a second, just so I can take away whatever is weighing down their mind.

Girls are fucking stupid;

I've seen countless girls on Facebook like a page. There are currently 120,430 people who have liked it, and for the purpose of this, I'll assume they're all vaginas.

"If he misses you, he'll call. If he cares, he'll show it. If he loves you, he'll tell you. If not, he can't be worth your time because you're obviously not worth his."


This kind of shit needs to stop. If you miss him, YOU'LL call. If you care, YOU'LL show it. If you love him, YOU'LL tell him. If not, YOU'RE not worth HIS time because he's obviously not worth YOURS. Stop sitting on your ass waiting for him.

Women, c'mon now. We've fought too damn hard for equality to lower ourselves to this bullshit. PEOPLE suck, not just the opposite gender. Maybe you should stop thinking with your uterus for a change. Some people have bigger issues to deal with than someone who secretly likes them but never tells. Some people have reasons for staying away from relationships. And some people, well, they're just downright fuckers who screw with your heart. It's not about gender. Girls are just as fucked up and misleading as guys are.

People are assholes, deal with it.

Monday, August 22, 2011

I finally get it !;

I finally understand you. I finally do. This all makes sense now. How I didn't see this earlier is beyond me. I've finally got you figured out.

That's why you feel completely helpless and lifeless whenever someone leaves you. Because you make them your everything the whole time. There's nothing outside of your relationship, and so when it's over it feels like you have nothing left because the only thing you had eyes for is gone.

That's fucked up.
No wonder why you're self absorbed. You're always feeding off other people to feel good about yourself. You can't do it on your own. You don't love yourself, at all. If you did, you wouldn't need to suck the life out of everyone else around you.

You are a horrible, horrible person. How anyone could actually love you with full knowledge of how empty and lifeless you would leave them is unknown to me. You fucking devil woman, you.

Day 16 - your views on mainstream music;

I'm going to list the radio stations I know of, and whether I like them or not and for what reasons. This will simplify things greatly.

88.7 Coast FM
My mother used to play this station in the car while I was at high school. It was boring and played terrible old music. The talk back was monotone and dribble.

91.9 Nova FM
I used to listen to this station when it played no advertisements. Then I realised they just played the same songs several times a day. This was only helpful if I wanted to hear a current song at a certain time. The talk back sections weren't so bad, but I'd rather not.

92.7 Fresh FM
I love my house and dance music when I'm out drinking. Mostly because I'm too drunk to tell if it's a really good song or something that's got a bouncy beat. The presenters obviously don't take their jobs seriously enough and I find it rather amateur. The music is all the same with no variety whatsoever. I've only ever listened to this station a few times, and each time I was bombarded with advertisements that ran longer than the group of songs they played.

102.3 Mix 102.3 FM
I cannot even begin to explain how much I loathe this radio station. Yes, it plays a wide range of music for all ages, too bad they're all terrible songs ! The talk back hosts drive me insane with their meaningless banter, and the advertisements are annoying. I would rather nail my foot to the ceiling than listen to Mix FM.

104.7 Triple M FM
Again, this is another radio station that I dislike an immense amount. The talk back hosts are horrible, the music is terrible, and I'd, once again, rather nail my foot the the ceiling than listen to Triple M.

105.5 Triple J FM
Now we're talking ! This is the only radio station I listen to. There are no advertisements aside from their own programs, there are no boring talk back hosts [minus Hack, because no one likes that bullshit drag], the music is always my kind of music, and they play a shitload of Australian music, which is fan-fucking-tastic. Unearthed High is a great program, and a lot of the artists they've picked up along the way have a superb amount of talent and potential. They always have the latest news on music, including smaller acts and large music festivals. The interviews are always relevant and interesting, and there's never a dull moment. They cater for all music tastes, with special programmed nights so you can tune in for the perfect sound. If you're an aspiring artist, this is the place to start. They're incredible. I love Triple J.

107.1 SAFM FM
Back in the day, when I only listened to pop music that played on Video Hits, this was the station I listened to. All the other kids at school listened to it, and so I could participate in conversations about music, I listened also. That's pretty much the only reason why I listened to this radio station. I don't anymore, and thank goodness for that.

107.9 Life FM
I've heard this station a couple of times by accident because some fucktard had messed with my stereo. It's boring, and if I'm not mistaken, a religious radio station at that. No thank you.

To be more specific about the topic of today; whatever you listen to has absolutely no affect on what I listen to, and vise versa. As long as I get to listen to what I like, I don't care if you like "mainstream" music. And furthermore, those people who call themselves "fans" until a band is played on "mainstream" radio really need to pull their heads out of their asses. WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TO JUDGE AN ARTIST'S CAREER DEVELOPMENT ?! Honestly, I don't understand it. If one of my favourite artists was being played on "mainstream" radio, it wouldn't change anything. In fact, I'd be happier to know that more and more people enjoy the same music I do. I'd be happy for them to know they're making it big and reaching more fans. Isn't that what it's all about; to play music to people who enjoy it ? I think fans need to remember it's about the music, not the popularity.

Sunday, August 21, 2011


First off, what’s your full name?
Bianca Rose Addams.

Is the last person you kissed taller than you?
Michael's is like a head taller than me.

Where is the last guy you held hands with?
He's at a friend's house, drinking with the boys.

Are you happy with the person you’re with?
Most certainly. I have no reason to not be.

For your last kiss, were your eyes closed and did you have to be on your tip toes?
Closed, and I was sitting.

How many piercings have you had in your life?
9 all up, currently have 7. My smiley piercing grew out, and my surface piercing needed to be removed before it started to grow out.

Do you use hearts like this <3 a lot?
When on FB, yes. On my phone to those who don't have an iPhone and are unable to see the emoticons.

What were you doing at 2am?
Sleeping and cuddling with Michael.

How’s your sister?
Celeste ? She's great, as usual.

Is anyone over protective of you?
Not in an overbearing way.

What do you do when you’re having a bad day?
Cry, vent, sleep.

When was the last time you cried really hard?
It's been a while. Doesn't happen often.

Do you always answer your phone?
Not when I'm busy, or I don't want to talk to them.

If the year consisted of only one season, which would you choose?


Are you multi-tasking right now?
Actually, I am. Watching tv, looking up new bikinis/bras/panties on Victoria Secret's website, and this. A little Facebook in there, too.

Do you still talk to the last person you kissed?
Every day, without a doubt.

What were you doing at 7:00 this morning?
I just started my shift at work.

Is love really worth fighting for?
Only if it makes you happy. Never fight to be with someone for the sake of avoiding loneliness or the single life.

Your phone is ringing. It’s your ex. What do you say?
Sup, what do you want ?

Have you ever kissed anyone you weren’t dating?
10 boys. A few of them turned into boyfriends.

Do you think the last person you kissed cares for you?
He loves me more than I know.

Who’s the first person you texted today?
Ah, I'll say Michael since he's the only person I can remember txting.

When was the last time something bothered you?
Right now; I'm hungry !

Who is the next person you will kiss?
Michael. Always will be unless we break up.

Are you afraid of falling in love?
I'm afraid of what comes afterwards. You know, the whole getting married and having kids thing.

Are you a jealous person?
No. Envy and jealousy are two different things. No one takes things from me. No one.

Do you straighten your hair?
On the days I feel like it.

What’s the relationship like between the last person you texted and you?
He's my boyfriend.

Have you ever talked on the phone in the shower/bath?
Never. Like I'd dare put my phone near water !

Last time you were really happy?
I'm always really happy. I have no reason not to be.

Did anyone see you kiss the last person you kissed on the lips?
Uh, no. I don't think so.

Name something you dislike about the day you’re having?
I'm hungry. My stomach is making me feel sick. I have a tension headache that won't go away no matter how hard I try to relax.

Who else is in the room with you?
Mother is sitting next to me, on her laptop. My family and I don't really "talk."

Who last texted you?

Does the person you have feelings for, know?
He obviously does.

Were you happier now or three months ago?
The same. Actually, a little more now considering 3 months ago I wasn't working as much.

If someone asked you for a kiss you’d say?
Are you Michael ? No ? Sorry, no thanks.

Are your fingernails painted black?
Midnight blue, actually.

Have you smiled recently?
Every day :D

Saturday, August 20, 2011

See, here's the thing;

Oh wow, you have the most fucked up concept of what a good dad is. A good dad isn’t defined by buying you new things. My father used to buy me whatever I wanted; he also used to be violent. By your standards, he’d be a good dad despite being physically abusive. A good dad loves their child regardless of money and shiny new things, you fucktard.

Friday, August 19, 2011

Day 15 can get stuffed;

Check the side panel if you want to know.

I haven't written anything of recent worthy of actually being posted for a while. I've been unable to sleep properly for the last few weeks and it's taking its toll on my mind. I'm finding it rather difficult to string together enough sentences to explain my train of thought. Instead, I'm finding my thoughts to be derailed quite effortlessly. That aside, I haven't got much else to tell.

I recently set a plan in motion. It may very well blow up in my face, but the likelihood of that is slim. I'm hardly ever wrong when it comes to these things. I guess that's the risk you take when you place your trust within another. This is a wonderful personal development though. It started off more difficult than I expected, but the temptation to break my will power is not as appealing as it once was. I need to succeed at this; to prove myself, and everyone else around me, wrong. If I fail, the rest of my life will surely pay for it. It's one of those things I have to correct early or face the rest of my life making the same mistake over and over again. I will not let the latter occur, mark my words.

I've noticed, through the wonders of lurking peoples' tumblrs, that becoming a journalist is a rather popular thing at the moment. Everyone seems to be heading down that path. Shame that all of their work, up to date, is fair sub-par. None of it strikes me as fascinating, or remotely interesting. When I think of a great writer, I think of someone who takes the mundane tasks of every day life and turns them into something rather interesting. A great writer can make an adventure out of the most dull activities, and the "writers" I've seen so far lack that. Especially a few in particular, who boast about perfect scores on their pieces during high school. I'll tell you one thing, and this will come across as arrogant, but if I were their teachers, I would have given them no more than 15/20. None of their work deserves a perfect score in my opinion. They honestly lack the natural flair of a great writer. Here's the thing; you could have all the qualifications down on paper to say, that by a lecture's standards, you are a writer, but unless you have that natural skill within yourself to break free of University's standard of literature, you will never make it.
That's just my opinion. And don't make the assumption that I consider myself above them, or with more talent, because I assure you that's not the case. I have a long road ahead of me if I'm to become the great novelist that I hope to be. At least I can admit that I've still got learning to do, unlike some.

Here's the current target of my frustration - GUYS, SERIOUSLY BACK THE OFF ! If I say I'm not interested, it means I'm not interested. Are you always that stupid or do you make a special effort when you're out ? Oh, you don't take "no" for an answer ? Well then. The next time I'm out drinking and some douchbag hits on me, I'm going to take his number. Then I'm going to write it down on all the toilet walls so random drunk bitches will call him looking for a "good time." If I don't want you, surely some drunk floozy will. After all, it's the least I can do after rejecting all of your advances.
In a nut shell; go away.

I realise this has just turned into a massive bitch purge. Here's an amusing photoshop I found. A giggle-giggle-giggle.

I like to end my shit rambles on a positive note. I think it worked.

Thursday, August 18, 2011


It somehow came out looking like a love heart.

Freshly iced.

What the other half looked like before I ate it.
So, whenever I have surprises for Michael, almost all of the time they're treats like this. I love cooking, and baking him cakes and treats makes me happy. These are vanilla sponge cupcakes with chocolate drop centres and marshmallow icing. I think next time I'll try strawberry centres instead of chocolate.
He loved them, by the way (:

Sometimes, I think going in the medical direction for my career was a mistake. I could have easily become a chef by now. Hmm... Oh well. I'll just bake goodies like this for all my loved ones on the side.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Day 14 - your earliest memory;

This is going to be a struggle. When my parents got divorced, I sort of forced myself to forget what happened in my life when my father was apart of it. Most people think I'm just ignorant, but I physically cannot remember being places even though there's photographic proof. What I can remember is hazy, and I'm not really sure if it happened or my imagination is getting the better of me. I clearly remember events from the ages of 10 and up, but everything before that is murky.

What I do remember is my first wobbly tooth. I'm not entirely sure it happened the way I remember but I'll share it anyway.

I was 5 years old, give or take, and I told my mum that my tooth felt funny and it was coming out. I remember standing outside her bedroom door, which was just next to the main entrance and the lounge room. She told my father, who then proceeded to check it out. Sure enough, it was wobbly. He went outside, came back inside with string, and tied it around my tooth. This is where I'm pretty sure my imagination gets the better of me. He yanked it out of my mouth, a great deal sooner than it was due, and blood poured out my mouth like a running tap. I cupped my hands over my mouth, crying from the insane amount of pain I was in. My father drew up the string to find my tooth, but somehow it came out of the noose and was lost. We searched everywhere in that lounge room to find it, but nothing came out. My first tooth, ripped out before its time, and my father lost is. He was never good at anything, I shouldn't have been surprised.

I'm pretty sure that's the earliest memory I have. I remember it happening in a house where I was a lot younger compared to all of my other memories. Anything else I sort of remember is in a different house. I only remember snippets of things, never a whole story. That's why it gets confusing when my mother shows me photos of when I was younger and I can only remember less than 30 seconds of that place. Everything else is built upon the stories my mother has told me over the years, and you know what children can be with their imaginations.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Day 13 - somewhere you'd like to live or visit;

This changes all the time because I find new reasons why I want to visit places. Here's a list of everywhere I've wanted to visit:
  • Tokyo, and other cities in Japan
  • Russia, all of it
  • Fiji, all of it
  • England, mostly London but some other lovely places too
  • New York City, NY
  • Egypt, all of it, especially the pyramids
  • The Amazon Jungle, even from the outskirts
  • The Sahara Desert
  • The Moon
When I'm ready to retire, I want to sell my house, move to Fiji, and live out the remainder of my life in blissful sunshine. I'd be more than content with that.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

What part of-

"Don't bring your shit home with you," do you not understand ?

Was I not clear enough the first time ? Did I fucking stutter ? Are you ignorant or forgetful ? Or just down right fucking arrogant enough to think I wouldn't notice the second time ? Do you honestly take me for a fool ?

If it happens a third time, and for your well being I hope to heaven it doesn't, I will not hesitate to fuck shit up for you. I will not tolerate your bullshit. I never have before, and I'm not going to start now. I never, ever, had a problem with the fucked up shit you do because it never, ever, affected me on a personal level. Now it is, and I won't stand for it. I am not a pushover. Do not underestimate me.

Jesus fucking Christ, you're supposed to be my role model. And in a way, I suppose you are. As long as I live my life doing the complete opposite of you, I won't wind up as someone I hate. You always said you were doing it for the right reasons, and I innocently believed you. Now you're just fucking with me. Thanks for showing me first hand how life can fuck us all over. I'll make sure to remember that.

Day 12 - bullet your whole day;

  • Woke up a great deal of time earlier than my alarm.
  • Rolled around for however long trying to fall back asleep.
  • Alarm goes off, heater goes on.
  • Spent 10 minutes of my morning laying in bed and lurking Facebook.
  • Got out of bed and ready for work.
  • Had breakfast, fed cat, left without waking up mother.
  • Drove to work.
  • Got to work to realise the only person I hate at my work is on today.
  • Found out that I wasn't working with the aforementioned person.
  • Worky, work, work.
  • Lunch time !
  • More worky, work, work.
  • Drove to the shops.
  • Went in to buy bread and chocolate. Left with bread, chocolate, strawberries, sticky date pudding, cupcake mix, cupcake stand, yoghurt.
  • Came home, ate a massive bowl of yoghurt, turned on laptop.
  • Sat on Facebook to lurk some more, also on Tumblr.
  • Wrote this stupid list.
  • Now I'm finished.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Lady Chatterley's Lover;

And dimly she realised one the great laws of the human soul: that when the emotional soul receives a wounding shock, which does not kill the body, the soul seems to recover as the body recovers. But this is only appearance. It is, really, only the mechanism of re-assumed habit. Slowly, slowly the wound to the soul begins to make itself felt, like a bruise which only slowly deepens its terrible ache, till it fills all the psyche. And when we think we have recovered and forgotten, it is then that the terrible after-effects have to be encountered at their worst.
D. H Lawrence.

Day 11 - iPod on shuffle and write down 10 songs;

1. Stand Inside Your Love - The Smashing Pumpkins.
But for the last time
You're everything that I want and ask for
You're all that I'd dreamed
Who wouldn't be the one you love
Who wouldn't stand inside your love 

2. Stay With You - Goo Goo Dolls.
I'll stay with you
The walls will fall before we do
Take my hand now
We'll run forever
I can feel the storm inside you
I'll stay with you

3. Still Take You Home - Arctic Monkeys.
Well fancy seein' you in here
You're all tarted up
And you don't look the same
Well I haven't seen you since last year
Yeah surprisingly
You have forgot my name

4. I Still Feel Her: Part 1 - Emarosa.
Her touch stills move my hair the smell is so faint but it must be the one
my bones ache from the cold
No one could predict that I would ever get this far (for so long)

5. Canned Heat - Jamiroquai.
Hey- dancing nothing left for me to do but dance
Off these bad times I'm going through just dance,
Hey got canned heat in my heals tonight baby
You know know know I'm gonna dance yeah
Off all the nasty things that people say.

6. Take Me Back - Story of the Year.
So take me back, back to better days
Cause this time between is wasting me away
Take me back, when we were not afraid
Cause this time between is wasting me away

7. Whatever Lies Will Help You Rest - The Ataris.
Waking to the after-taste
of cheap wine and bad decisions
my heart trembles in this morning prayer
I could shield my eyes
from this inner most seductions
but still somehow you found me there
and why don't we say what we really feel?

8. Samson - Regina Spektor.
You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first, I loved you first
Beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth
I have to go, I have to go
Your hair was long when we first met

9. I Gave You All - Mumford and Sons.
How can you say that your truth is better than ours?
Shoulder to shoulder, now brother, we carry no arms
The blind man sleeps in the doorway, his home
If only I had an enemy bigger than my apathy I could have won

10. Used to Get High for a Living - John Butler Trio.
Super size, large fries, big mac, coca cola
Go on man, pick your poison
Speed, weed, ecstacy, LSD
Man, it don't bother me cos we're all on something
Caffeine, cigarettes, alcohol
You know I'm clawing at the walls trying to get my fix
Prozac, ADD tablets, coke, smack
Now you know I am turning tricks cos
This sick strange darkness comes creeping on so haunting every time.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Day 10 - discuss your first kiss and your first love;

Ahfuck. I hate thinking back on those moments. Look, it's really not all that important anymore, so I'll keep it simple and short.

My first kiss was not at all what I was expecting. He was a terrible kisser, and my first high school boyfriend. If I learnt anything from it, it's how to be gentle and not slobber everywhere, ha ! I've kissed less than 10 boys, and only 2 of those boys know how to kiss properly. One of them is my current boyfriend.

My first love was, well, hectic. It wasn't the ideal love you imagine it to be. Of all the boys I've been with where I've said, "I love you," only one of them was graced with the honour of having to say it back, instead of first. My first love, if you'd call it that, said it first and I said it back because I panicked a little bit. Sure enough I felt that way, but I wasn't exactly keen on being vocal about it. I felt awkward about it to be honest. Michael is the only man I've said, "I love you," to first.


Sunday, August 7, 2011


My boyfriend, Michael, is in Salt Lake City, Utah, at the moment. He went hunting for snow in the rocky mountains yesterday. I told him to build a mini snowman for me, and so he did.


When the fuck did I become such a clingy bitch ?!

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Day 9 - how you hope your future will be;

Is this not the same as where I'd like to be in 10years time ? No ? Well my answer is going to be the same.

Full of love and happiness.

If I don't get married, and don't have kids, my life won't be over. If I'm not a millionaire, and don't live in a fancy house, my life won't be over. If I don't look the same as I did when I was 18, and my boobs sag, my life won't be over. People concentrate their lives around the wrong things. Sure, it'd be nice to have a family and live a wealthy life, but that's not always what life deals for us. Roll with the punches and live your life the best you can. Stop trying to force it.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Fantasic Mr Fox;

Michael bought me this ring for my birthday this year. It's an orange fox ring from I'm Your Present. It's the cutest thing ever.

P.S: I only took this photo recently as the nose accidentally broke off, and I only bought craft glue the other day.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Order of the Pheonix;

Harry Potter- Tell about a scar on your body.
This is super amusing for me, seeing as the most recent cut/scar I gave myself is the one on my forehead. I was waxing my eyebrows, gripped onto the fabric sheet to pull, but my fingers slipped and I scratched my forehead deep enough to cause it to bleed.

Ron Weasley- Something you’re afraid of.
I really don't have any physical fears anymore. The things I'm afraid of are created in my head. I need not worry about those fears coming true as they're completely ridiculous. I let my mind wander too often.

Hermione Granger- A subject you know a lot about.
I'd have to say Biology or Hospitality. I won't put English down, because I honestly believe if it's your first language then you should be able to ace it without trouble.

Draco Malfoy- Closest green item to you.
How come Draco gets such a poor question ?! My green and white stripped bed socks that my boyfriend's nanna got me for my birthday. They're my favourite socks.

Severus Snape- Your favorite Alcoholic beverage.
My favourite tequila shots are gummy bears, fresh pussy [despite the absolutely disgusting name], and the secret Steph or whatever it's called from Tequilaria. Otherwise I drink cider. If neither are available, I don't drink.

Rubeus Hagrid- Your favorite animal.
Giraffes and Sea Horses.

Luna Lovegood- Something about you other people find weird.
Whenever I tell people I'm actually 23, and not 18, they're always shocked. That's the most common thing people comment on. Oh, and my red tattoo on my chest.

Neville Longbottom- Your favorite flower.
Tulips. They're the only flowers without a scent. And roses, only because Michael's bought them for me.

Nymphodora Tonks- Something you would change about your appearance.
If I had to pick something, I'd be corrective surgery on my nose [I've broken it 2 times, stfu] and my bow knees.

Fred and George Weasley- The last prank you pulled on someone, or someone pulled on you.
I don't remember... It was probably something that Michael or myself did to each other. It's rare that I pull pranks.

Voldemort- If you were to make a Horcrux, it would be…
Something really common and simple, that way no one could find it and destroy it.

Moaning Myrtle- The last thing to make you cry.
I panicked about nothingness.

Sirius Black- Have you ever taken the blame for something you didn’t do?
I don't think I have, actually.

Dobby- What is your most loved article of clothing?
Right now, I'd have to say my purple galaxy leggings. They're my current favourite.

Peeves the Poltergeist- What is the best/funniest insult you’ve used/heard?
Knob jockey is always amusing, as is fucktard. I usually call people motherfuckers or assholes.

Sybill Trelawney- When was the last time you experienced Deja Vu?
It's been a long time.

Filius Flitwick
- What is your favorite spell from the Harry Potter series?
I have Avada Kedvara on my wrists, but I think Accio is my favourite simply because I'm lazy as fuck.

Lily Potter- Is there anyone you love so much you would die for?
Only in a do-or-die situation. I wouldn't give up my life just because they asked so.

Arthur Weasley- What piece of “Muggle” technology fascinates you most?
At the moment, it's an xBox 360. I'm a little addicted to it, again.

Mundungus Fletcher- Have you ever stolen anything?
I think when I was a young child. Nothing big though. And most certainly not now.

Viktor Krum- If you were a Quidditch player, what position would you play?
I'd like to say Seeker, but I suck at sports.

Fleur Delacour- What physical attribute do you like most about yourself?
I'm pretty content with the whole package, aha.

Hedwig- What was your all-time favorite pet, or, if you’ve never had one, your all-time favorite birthday gift.
Picking a favourite pet is like picking your favourite family member; you love them all equally. I have a kitty at the moment, he's the apple of my eye.

Albus Dumbledore- What is your proudest accomplishment? (Dumbledore’s is, of course, being featured on a Famous Wizards Chocolate Frog Card)
There's a lot more to my life than what I've already lived, but I guess I can pick something for now. I guess, right now, I'm most proud of my happy relationship, and taking the first step towards my long term career path.