they say you don't know what you got 'til it's gone / / they say that your darkest hour comes before your dawn

Monday, August 29, 2011

Confession #002;


Saying goodbye to such a rushed part of my life was a difficult thing to do at best. In retrospect, we burnt out. We ignited each other just as quickly as we doused the flames. We were nothing more than a 3 second flicker of hope. Hope, that things could get better. Hope, that it wasn't always going to be heartache. Hope, that we could find someone who could break the mould our past lovers created. Hope, that love really did exist, and we could find it if only we knew where to look. Look, properly. We didn't find it in each other. We were fooling ourselves. It was easier than admitting we were lonely and craving affection. It was easier than calling it "a fling." It was easier than being honest, knowing it was nothing more than physical desire. Lust.

We were never meant to last. We were meant to be a stepping stone. A stepping stone to greater and happier lives. We saw what we wanted, just in the wrong place. I never belonged to you. Even though you called me, "my girl," I was always going to fly free from your caged arms. You didn't bother to lock with a key. You knew just as well as I did that this was always going to be a 3 second flicker.

I learnt the best life lessons from you. Never rush things. Never make promises I can't keep. Never cross the line. Never look back wondering, "what if ?" Always do what makes you happiest. Follow your heart. In the 3 second flicker that we were, I learnt more about myself, and what I needed in another, than I had from the 3 year ember I tried to keep alight with a past lover.

Remember how we spoke of finding that kind of love that simply made you happy because the person you woke up next to in the morning was always going to be there ? I found it. The person I described, the person I desired in my life, is now the person I'm in love with. If it wasn't for the 3 second flicker of a mistake I made with you, I wouldn't have been able to lay ashes with ashes. I'd still be puffing away at an ember that had long gone out.

The love I have in my life burns so greatly, that if I truly give my all to it, I think my soul would explode. My skin would boil, my heart would melt, and my soul would burn so intensely that I'd lose myself in the brightness. My whole existence would be swallowed up whole.

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