they say you don't know what you got 'til it's gone / / they say that your darkest hour comes before your dawn

Thursday, September 29, 2011


I love that some of the longest and most in depth texts I receive come from my best friend, Bradley. From the outside, people think we're in love with each other, when in reality we just love each other like all best friends do.

He knows every fucked up thing there is to me.

My brother, Larry, and my two best friends, Ryan and Bradley, are the only males I know that'll be apart of my life until my dying breath. That is, unless I get married, in which case there'll be a fourth male. But you know what I mean.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011


Take my sleeping pills 30 minutes before my bed time, then suddenly develop frequent hiccups. I swear my body has developed a natural hate towards sleep.

You know what they say; You can sleep when you’re dead.

Sweet Tooth;

This is my new “Sweet Tooth” dress that I bought online from Lucy In The Sky. As much as I love it, I’m not 100% sure I want to bust out that much cleavage naturally. And by naturally, I mean that I’m not wearing a bra. I can't decide; yes or no ?

Monday, September 26, 2011

Word of advice;

I always hear people say things like, "Oh, I wish I had the confidence to do that !" I sit there and I wonder why people just don't do as they please. I mean, really, I don't think it comes down to just confidence. It goes hand-in-hand with "not giving a shit about other people's opinions." We all have confidence in ourselves, though some may only have little. It's there. It's why we do what we enjoy, because we know we like it and we're good at it. I'm going to tell you exactly what I say whenever something pops into my head.

Don't think. Just do.

I don't think about shit, really. Obviously I think about other various topics, but I don't give a shit about what I say or do. I just feel like doing something and I do it. People call me weird, or random, or a freak, even a retard, but I don't care. At least I'm not fucking boring. Every person has that ability to think before they speak/do. I do too, I just don't bother with it. I say what I want, I do what I want, and I feel as I want to feel. If people don't like it, they can shove it up their asses.

Fuck it. I do what I want. I make me happy above everyone else's opinions. After all, the people who actually do care about me take me as I am, weird-random-freak-retard-and-all. They don't have bad opinions of me. They love me for who I am.


On the rare chance that I find a moment where I don't know what to do with life, I really enjoy. I enjoy it to its fullest. Not knowing what to do next, not knowing if I'll cope, not knowing where I'm going; not having a single clue about anything. It's in those moments that you can take the biggest step back from your life and realise how fucked up everything can get. Your eyes are open to everything you unknowingly turned a blind cheek to. All of these little things start to click inside your head and you understand the things that confused you once before.

For the first time in a long time, you can look at everything with an unbiased mind. Every single imaginable possibility is available to you, because you suddenly see everything for what it is. Nothing is out of your reach, you have the freedom to make this whole fucked up life into what you want it to be. When you're hurt, broken, lost, and confused, everything means nothing. In that moment, after analysing everything, you can do whatever you want. You realise you've always had the strength to walk away from shit people, you've always had the courage to say what you've only ever thought about to yourself, and you've always had the determination to make everything a world better.

It's only when we realise how shit, how alone, how stupid and ignorant everything is can we do what's best for us. I love it. I love waking up and knowing exactly what I have to do to make my life fan-fucking-tastic again. You should too.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Parklife ?;

Usually, I hate last minute decisions because I prefer planning everything instead. Saturday night threw that whole logic out the window. As I drove from my house to Michael's, I was listening to Diplo's live Parklife set from Melbourne on Triple J. I pretty much had to fight off tears after realising that I don't have a ticket.

As of Monday, I'll be $260 poorer. I'm going to buy Michael and I tickets, and we're going.

My biggest problem at the moment is deciding between artists who clash.
MSTRKRTF or Nero ? Lykke Li or Simian Mobile Disco ?

Saturday, September 24, 2011


I arrived at Michael’s house after he left for work tonight and found his laptop like this, waiting for me. Michael’s the best boyfriend I’ve ever had.


I bought the new Blink 182 album Neighborhoods today. $20 later and I'm content with it. I always knew I would be. I've said ever since Up All Night was released as a single that the album would be much better than that one song. I knew it was going to contain greater songs, because no one puts their best work out there before the rest of it. You know, you save the best until last.

The reason why I love Blink 182 so much is that whenever I listen to their music, I always visualise travelling or driving in a car. It reminds me of summer and happier times. None of the songs are directly linked to a memory of a specific person; just happiness in general.
Note to self: Need to buy more Blink 182 shirts. Two is not enough.

Friday, September 23, 2011


So, Michael's planning to cook and prepare me a candle lit dinner Sunday night. He's all excited about planning it all and everything. I'm so fucking lucky to have an incredibly loving boyfriend.

It's the most romantic thing any person has ever done for me.

Day 23 - 5 famous men I find attractive;

Johnny Depp. 

Will Smith.

Jake Gyllenhall.

Tom Felton.

Robert Downey Jr.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Day 22 - how have you changed in the past two years;

Like every person, I'd like to say I haven't changed that much, but we all know that's bullshit. I have changed, a lot, and I think it's for the better. If you disagree, you're probably one of the shit people I don't speak to anymore. That, in itself, is one of the best changes I've made for myself over the past two years - cutting the shit people out of my life. I don't see the friends who make me feel negative, or who do/say negative things, as much anymore. I only want people who make me happy around me, and that's not something I should feel ashamed of.

I've become a world more confident now than I've ever been before. As cliche and corny as this will sound, I have my incredibly supportive boyfriend to thank for that. Michael makes me feel beautiful and sexy all the time, which in turn means that I project that vibe to everyone around me. You can see it on my face; I'm happy with myself. Sure, there's still a few things about my body and personality that I don't like, but I'm happy enough to leave them be. I don't feel the need to look or act a certain way to appeal to people. I just be myself and that's more than enough to please everyone around me. When I look in the mirror, I see my body the same way people have been telling me for years.
And it's not just my body I'm happy with, I'm happy with my personality and thoughts. I'm hardly ever feeling blue, anxious or depressed, which is a lovely and healthy change. I feel good about myself, and my job, when I wake up in the morning. I don't mind getting up early because going to work makes me feel good. I don't feel the need to say/think negative thoughts about others, too. If someone upsets me, I just let it go and move on with shit. I focus on the compliments I receive and strive to improve on them even more. When things go wrong, I learn from the experience and avoid making the same mistake twice. I'm content on where I'm at in life right now. It's a good time to be me.

On top of that, I've also become more driven and passionate about my career. I guess ever since I was made redundant at my old job, I woke up to the chance life was giving me. Before that, I was stuck in a rut, working a shit job that wasn't going anywhere, and spending all of my money instead of saving it. I didn't have any passion or desire to move from where I was because it was comfortable. Now, things are completely different. I'm working hard at being the very best carer I can be, and I'm looking into what I need so I can study further and complete my nursing degree. I had been umming and uhhing about my career for years and now I'm finally doing something about it. It feels good to have a place in life where I'd like to end up. I have goals, real goals.

Even more impressive through my changes is the increased ability to trust others. I've had a life long challenge of trying to trust people but failing in fear of being betrayed and hurt. Not this time, fuckers. I'll put my trust in people who I believe are worthy of it, and I won't doubt them anymore, because that's not what you do when you trust someone. It's been really difficult to do so, but it's totally worth it. I feel so much happier knowing that there are people who are that close to my heart. My group of best friends is growing and it's absolutely fantastic.

Two years ago, I had no serious need to move out of home. Staying here was sort of working in my favour so I wasn't that thrilled about seeking my independence any more. Today, I'm looking forward to finding the perfect house/apartment/townhouse for Michael and I to live in together. It's probably the most exciting part about my future, and it's only around the corner. The idea of coming home to him, cooking the most radical dinners, watching movies and playing video games all night, and waking up and falling asleep next to him is the greatest. I've never been this thrilled about living with someone in my whole entire life. We're going to have the coolest house, ever. It's going to be superb, I just know it.

Ohyeah, and if you couldn't tell, over the past two years my writing has developed and expanded. It's been a long and steady progression, but I'm finally getting there. I've found a writing style that I enjoy, and a muse for my work. When I feel like writing, I open a new page and start. It's effortless these days and I simply bask in it whenever I can. It's an absolute delight when I set myself a target and reach it. Once I have my typewriter, I can begin my novel. It's going to blow minds, just wait and see. I will be published one day, I will.
(Further proof of that determination I mentioned earlier ;D)

We all know I suck at Paint;

But this is the best I could make do with. I bought this bikini today because of my photo shoot on the 9th of October. They said to bring a bikini if I feel confident enough, and with my tattoos, I'm sure as hell confident now. I'm so excited and nervous. I don't know how to feel about it. I'm still rather shocked that a talent agency "definitely want" me, as they said on the phone. Weowwwww.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Your smile is the only sunrise worth setting my alarm clock early enough to see ♥


1> In general, do you find yourself more attracted to people with similar or different interests, life experiences, political beliefs, and religious backgrounds? Do you think having some common interests/goals is essential for a successful relationship?This is such a difficult question to begin with. It's hard to say. Common interests don't bother me as much as religious beliefs. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a die-hard religious person because it would cause conflicts on such a personal level. I don't have the need or desire for religion in my life, and I wouldn't want my partner preaching to me about how I should let "God" in or something. I wouldn't have a problem if they believed in religion, as long as they didn't force it on me. Life experience shouldn't always be similar but it's good to find comfort in another knowing that they've been in the same place as you. Politics don't bother me; it's the same with religion. Common goals is something that I find rather attractive, in the sense that I would love to have someone in my life that wants to plant themselves in a stable career, someone who wants to be financially sound like myself, someone who wants to travel the world, buy a house, all of that adult crap. You know, so if it came down to sharing the rest of our lives together, at least I'd know we're heading down the same path.

2> What is your all-time favourite, romantic movie scene? What about it speaks to you?
The dying scene in The Notebook, as cliche as it is. I guess that's why I love it so much, because it's cliche. To me, it shows that two people really can spend the rest of their lives together happily in love, even though modern day trends show an increase of divorce early in marriages. I love how at the very end she remembered him, she knew that that's where she belonged, right by his side. And I love the fact that they lived up to their vowels - til death do us part. I'm a child of divorce, so my faith in love and "forever" was shattered early. And in all honesty, I want that for myself when I'm ready to share my eternity with another.

3> If you could change one major thing about your life, whether a relationship, your job, your living situation, your school, etc., what would it be? Are you currently working toward a serious life transition?
You know, given the chance, I don't think there's much I'd change. I guess I'd like the time and money to go travelling to all the places I want to see. That's pretty much it.

4> If you could go back in time to another decade, which decade would you choose and why? Would you want to return or stay there? What if you could bring one other person with you?
I'd love to visit the 1920's and the 1950's. I love how the fashion and language has changed over time, I love how technology has progressed, how morals and values have changed, but most importantly, I want to see how the life of a woman constricted to such lives would have been. They wouldn't have had the same equal rights as I do right now, and I'd think it'd be an important lesson to learn how lucky I have it.
I'd definitely come back but I wouldn't bring anyone with me. They had their time, and coming to a future that's drastically different would be a huge shock.

5> Have you ever participated in a seance? If not, would you consider it? What spirit would you summon and what question would you ask them? Do you believe we can get messages from the dead?
As a kid, I thought it was a fun idea since I was always curious about that spiritual world and such. Still am, come to think of it. I think I would summon Einstein to show him what's become of his inventions and how the world has changed. I'd ask him how he feels about it and what improvements could he suggest, and whether humans have gone out of control with technology. I don't know about messages as I've never had that experience. I guess if you believe, then it can be true. Just like messages from God.

6> Do you think your moods are controlled by your brain chemistry or that your brain chemistry dictates your moods? Do you believe people are born with particular emotional temperaments or that they are primarily shaped by environmental factors?
Wow, there are so many variables to consider when discussing emotions. Environmental factors play a huge role in shaping a persons emotional understanding of the world. Children brought up in an emotionally abusive environment face a lot of challenges, as goes for children who are brought up in an emotionally supportive environment. Emotionally abused children sometimes have trouble understanding how to take criticism well without feeling like they've done something wrong. They also have troubles knowing that what they've experienced was not normal, it wasn't healthy, and repeating the behaviour themselves is wrong. There are a lot of problems there. In contrast, children who are brought up in a world where everything is perfect, where everything comes on a silver platter, where they don't have to go without in any way, have a lot of trouble being independent because they never have been. They don't understand what it's like to go without all that money, without their parents buying them the best of the best, they don't understand what is it to work as hard as some may have.
Then there are children who are brought up in environments where men rule and women are slaves. Children who are brought up without the knowledge of the power and destruction the monetary system has in people's lives. There are children who grow up without parents, who don't know what it's like to have a family. There are children who are sexually abused, who reenact their abuse on others because they don't know any different.
There's so much that goes into developing a happy and healthy emotional human being, and what I've touched on is the tip of the iceberg. I'd be here all day if I covered every single point.

7> Which character from any film, television show, or book would you most like to take on a date and why?
Bring me Draco Malfoy and Ron Weasley on silver platters, please and thank you. Both come from full blood families, so I think it'd be interesting to see both sides of the spectrum.

8> If a friend or relative makes a racist or homophobic remark, do you tend to confront them or let it slide? Are you more likely to confront them if it offends you directly or someone else who seems reluctant to speak up?
I always speak up about that bullshit ! I don't care who the hell you think you are, you do not make remarks like that at all. People who stand in the way of equality need a roundhouse kick to the fucking head, and then some. I don't tend to have friends who have those mentalities, and as for family, I correct them wherever possible. I despise that shit. It's filthy.

9> Do you believe some people are more fortunate than others or do you think people create their own luck? In your opinion, are some people cursed?Some people certainly have it better than others, but I'm unsure as whether it's luck or just being born into the "right" life. For me, I'd like to think life it what we make it, and even the lowliest person can reach the top if only the try. I don't leave things up to luck, I make them happen for myself.

10> If you’re trying to create something, like a story, a composition, or a design, etc., do you find yourself imagining how others will react to it? Does that impede or enhance the creative process?I'm currently trying to write a novel that I've had circling inside my head for years. I don't so much imagine how others react to it as I imagine how I would react to it at the end of reading it myself. I think that as long as I'm happy with it, then I don't care what others think. Not everyone is going to like what I write and that's perfectly fine. If what I write can bring back those emotions and memories that are long gone, then I know it's done its job.
FYI - alcohol and rage enhance my creative nature.

11> When you take a class or attend a big meeting, where do you prefer to sit? Up close or way back where you can make a speedy get-away? Can you force yourself to focus even when you’re not interested?I sit up the front to hear and see properly, also because it shows I'm dedicated to whatever it happening. If I'm bored with the topic, I'll still listen because that person has put effort and time into what they're sharing. I know I'd feel pretty worthless if people were bored with what I was presenting, and I'd hate to make someone else feel that way.

12> Have you ever reconnected with long-lost friends over the Internet? Overall, have the relationships you’ve rekindled been more meaningful or superficial? Are there any people you wish you hadn’t run into again online?Oh, yes I have ! Ashley and I used to be best friends almost 5 years ago, but due to my stupid mistake of choosing a dick over a chick, I lost her friendship. Fair enough on her behalf, it was a bad move on mine. We're talking once more and, for me, it's almost like nothing's changed. We still have hour long conversations on the phone, actually 6 hours long, and we talk about everything and everything. I don't think we'd say we're best friends all over again, but she's certainly one of my favourites to talk to.

13> Are you happy at your current job? Do you think there’s such a thing as a dream job? What do you hope to be doing five or ten years from now? Are you working towards that goal?I lovelovelove my job, even though I want to become a Nurse and do more with myself. There most certainly is a dream job, and each and every person has one whether they know it or not. In 5-10 years I better have become a Nurse and working in a field where I'm doing something that keeps me interested. I am most certainly working towards that goal, and nothing will stop me.

14> Do you look forward to returning to work/school on Mondays or do you live for the weekend? What do you enjoy most about weekends? What do you dread most about school and/or work?I have every Monday off, actually. I don't mind starting the work week again because I don't work more than 3 days in a row, so it's not such a long week for me. I work every second weekend, which isn't as bad as you'd imagine. It actually helps with saving money as I'm not spending it going out every weekend. The thing I dread most about my job is working with shit people, and going to work when I've had hardly any sleep.

15> If you could relive one hour of your life so far, what would you choose and why? Would you do or say anything different? How do you think it would change your life?Oh gosh, I don't know. An hour isn't a very long time. I don't think I could pick an hour of my life, and even if I could I don't think I'd want to do it again. I'm content with the life I've lived up until this point, and the memories I've made a long the way.

16> If you broke a mirror, would you worry about bad luck even if you’re not superstitious? Would you walk under a ladder or cross a black cat’s path on a dare? Is there anything you’re superstitious about?I don't walk under ladders because it's unsafe, but that's it. I don't believe in superstitions or anything of that sort. Like I said before, I make my life the way I want it to be, I don't leave things to luck.

17> Who is the most inspiring teacher you ever had and why? How often do you think about what they taught you? How has it changed your life?My year 8 English teacher, or at least I think she was my year 8 teacher. I can't exactly remember her name, but she was by far the best teacher I've ever had. She wasn't always nice, her classroom was always freezing cold, and her marking system was harsh, but she was the most interactive and creative teacher I've had. She's the reason why I fell in love with literature and everything in the world of language. She taught me the wonders and love of words, the way they sound and roll of your tongue, the delicate meanings and beginnings words have, and she taught me the pleasure of becoming well acquainted with the beautiful world that I can create with words. There's a power to words that is completely underestimated.

18> If you could choose a $1,000 gift certificate for one online store, which would it be and what would you get? Would you share the love with your friends? or and I'd buy a fuckload of cool shit for my friends/family/myself.

19> What is on your personal list of the Seven Wonders of the Modern World?I love this question !
1. The complete warmth and adoration that you feel when you receive a cuddle from someone who means the absolute world to you.
2. The way the warmth of a hot cup of tea/coffee spreads throughout your body, making it feel like every inch of your skin is tingling.
3. Watching clouds on a sunny day, and trying to spot all sorts of things in them.
4. The laugh and smile of a person you love.
5. "I love you" and "I miss you" voice mails.
6. The feeling of doing good, and helping the world in some small way, when you donate to charity.
7. The way human beings are trying to preserve and rebuild our world the way it naturally is.
Yes, I'm a sentimental fucktard and don't see the value in materialistic items.

20> Have you ever ruined the ending or given away plot developments in a book, movie, or TV show by telling someone who hasn’t seen or read it what happens? Has anyone ever done this to you?I kind of ruined a character's secret identity in an anime my brother is watching because I misunderstood him and thought he knew already. And on my year 10 retreat, my friend told me that Sirus Black dies before I had read that part. No matter how hard I tried to unlearn it, I couldn't. She ruined my favourite book for me, the bitch.

21> Who is your favorite mother (the character, not the actress) from television or the movies?Morticia Addams from the Addams Family. For as long as I can remember, I've always wanted to be apart of that family.

22> If your friend or partner left his or her email open, would you look? How about a journal? Have you ever peeked at something private?I wouldn't, no. What could I possibly find in there of any interest to me ? Each person has their secrets, and somethings are better left unknown.

23> Are you an oldest, youngest, middle, or only child? How do you think it has influenced your personality?This is a confusing answer to give. In my immediate family, I'm the older sibling and have 1 younger brother. My father had been married once before my mother, and again after her, which resulted in more children than just me and my brother. I have 4 older half brothers, 2 older half sister, my full blood brother from my mother, and 1 younger half sister. I haven't seen my father in 13 years, so I'm unsure as to whether that's still the case or not. 

24> Would you rent or buy the home of your dreams if a brutal murder had taken place there? What if you got to live there rent-free? Would you think twice if neighbors warned you that it was haunted?If I found the dream home I've been searching for, I'd buy it/live there rent-free. Neighbours could tell me it's haunted and I'd just think of it as Casper, haha.

25> All it takes is a blackout to realize how much we rely on electricity. What’s your most memorable story from a power outage?There aren't any interesting stories that I can think of. Blackouts aren't very entertaining for me.

26> Do you think animals have a sense of humor?If they can feel happiness, sadness, love and hurt, then why wouldn't they be able to have a sense of humor ?

27> Empty parking garages, roadside motels, dark caves, dank basements, overgrown forests—what kind of setting makes you feel nervous?Any environment that prevents me from seeing the ground I'm walking on scares me. I don't like not being able to see where my feet are. Long grass, deep water, etc.

28> Has your idea of the perfect romantic partner changed with age? Do you think we can teach ourselves to desire partners who are better for us or are we constrained by the laws of attraction?Boy has it ever ! Young children don't know what it is to have a relationship and romance that adults have. There's a great deal of difference. We can most certainly teach ourselves to desire better people than the previous ones we've encountered. I don't see how that wouldn't be possible. It's called knowing what you deserve, and every person should be aware of their highest self value.

29> If your best friend forgave his or her partner for cheating and lying, would you try to forgive him or her too? Would you find it difficult to spend time with them as a couple?Anyone who hurts my friends/family receives no forgiveness from me. None. I can put differences aside and be pleasant for the sake of the person I care and love about, but there's no way I'd forgive and forget. And you can be sure as hell that I'd take every chance to remind them of their mistakes. There's one friend in particular who's partner constantly cheats on them, and I find it rather difficult to be around them because I know what's going on and it's not okay by my standards. It makes me feel uncomfortable to know how naive and blind they are.

30> What three items would you place in a time capsule to help future generations understand you?
I'd put a sample of all the diseases, viruses and cancers that we can't cure in there in hopes that they'll be able to find a cure with their "advanced medical technology and knowledge."

Monday, September 19, 2011


Got paid on Thursday; broke by Sunday. I hustle e'ery day.

Day 21 - one of your favourite shows;

I'm going to skip Day 20 - How important you think education is, because I don't feel like discussing it right now. I might revisit the topic, but not for now. On with this post, here are my favourite TV shows that always get me excited, in alphabetical order;
  • 30 Rock
  • Aaahh!! Real Monsters
  • Beauty & the Geeks
  • Big Bang Theory
  • Black Books
  • Bones
  • Californication
  • Criminal Minds
  • Daria
  • Deadliest Warrior
  • Fresh Prince of Bel Air
  • Good News Week
  • How I Met Your Mother
  • Inbetweeners
  • IT Crowd
  • Nip/Tuck
  • Secret Diary of a Call Girl
  • Scrubs
  • Skins UK
  • Top Gear UK
  • Weeds
  • X-Men: The Animated Series
I'll list my favourite anime series separately just because I think they're completely different to TV shows;
  • Afro Samurai
  • Bleach
  • Blood+
  • Death Note
  • Devil May Cry
  • Digimon
  • Elfin Lied
  • Fullmetal Alchemist
  • Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood
  • Innocent Venus
  • Jigoku Shoujo Futakomori [Hell Girl in English]
  • Naruto
  • Naruto Shippuuden
  • Neon Genesis Evangelion
  • Please Teacher !
  • Pokemon
  • Sailor Moon
  • Tokyo Mew Mew
  • Tenjou Tenge
  • Yu-Gi-Oh !

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Open your eyes;

"Every girl has that one boy, that they’ll never get over. That one who remembers all the stupid things you say and reminds you about it months from now. The one who has his name written all over your heart. The one whom you compare to everyone. The one you never get sick of talking or hearing about. The one everyone thinks you can do better than. The one you ask why her and not me. The one when you first saw him you knew you loved him. The one that in some way ends up not being yours."

It's all bullshit.

I'm fucking sick of seeing shit like this plastered all over the place. As harsh as this is going to come across, it's groups like this that make moving on and getting over a past love so much harder. Let it the fuck go. Seriously, stop holding on to it. You're going to waste so much time being sad and lonesome instead of pulling yourself together and living happily anyway. Christ, what the fuck is wrong with people these days ? Shit, yes the person you want the most doesn't want you and it hurts. I get that. But seriously, it's not the end of the fucking world. There are over 6 BILLION people in this world. You really think that out of all those people, the person who doesn't value you as much as you value them is the "One" ?! Really ? No. You're wrong. That one-in-six-billion person is going to love you the fuck back, they're going to make you feel like a million fucking bucks, and they're always going to be there.

And you know what ? Comparing all new possible lovers to a lover that left you behind is fucking cruel and unfair. How dare you compare two completely separate people and expect them to match up to some fucked up expectation that you built for yourself ! Stop putting that shithead loser who lost you on some fucking gigantic pedestal. Stop comparing a person who actually makes you happy to some dropkick that makes you unhappy. You shouldn't hold yourself accountable for someone else's loss. Why waste your time on someone who obviously doesn't want you ? Go out there and find someone else who does, and be happy with them.

Stop wasting your time on shit people who don't love you the way you deserve.

The "One" is going to be that person who takes all of your expectations of relationships and love, and they're going to blow that shit up. They're going to blow your fucking mind and open your eyes to a beautiful world that you never thought existed. And most of all, they're actually going to be yours, and you'll be theirs. They're the one you caught and held onto, not the one that got away.

Double standards;

When it comes to parents, you always think yours is the worst. Everyone else seems to be crying about nothing while you're the only one with a legitimately crazy assed motherfucking parent. I dare you to challenge my mother's unbelievable double standards that I have to deal with on an almost daily basis.

Tonight, she added the icing on the cake. Previously, I would have let slip an incident like this, but considering what I've been losing the last few weeks, I think it's pretty damn fair that I called her out on it. Let me set the scene...

I came out of my room for the first time since being home, which would be after a possible 5 hours. I was on the phone to my friend who lives in Queensland, and because I'm a lazy fucker I had my phone on loudspeaker. It was roughly 10pm when I emerged and I proceeded to walk down the stairs. As I reached the bottom, out of nowhere springs my mother with a stern look upon her face.

"Keep your voice down. Someone's trying to sleep," she said as she ushered her gaze to the someone upstairs. Someone being her "partner" or boyfriend, whichever term suits you best.

Now, if you haven't known for some time, I've been having a great deal of trouble sleeping. It's not the falling asleep business I'm having troubles with, it's the staying asleep for long periods of time thing. I'm now taking sleeping pills in aid, and as far as I can tell, it's been the most effective treatment so far. Alas, there are some mornings where despite taking the sleeping pills, I'm being woken up well and truly before 5am because someone decides that it's an appropriate time of the morning to make a fucking shit load of noise. As if I wasn't having enough trouble on my own, I now have an asshole making things worse. And to top it off, they only got up to have a cup of coffee AND THEN WENT BACK TO SLEEP.
Like hell I was going to take that shit from her now.

"Excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me ! So it's totally fine by you to make as much fucking noise as you want in the mornings, but I can't do the same at night ? Get. Fucked," I retorted.

Silence was but all that drew from her.
Yeah, that's right. I got you there, you fucker. I still cannot believe her utter disrespect for my presence, my equality, within this household. Yes, she's my mother and I should be thankful for everything she's done for me, and I really am, but this is outside of that. This I cannot ignore. There is very little within the world I know that makes my blood boil so rapidly as double standards.

Once upon a time, I felt absolutely awful thinking of moving out of home, because she'd be alone all of the time. Well, after the past couple of months, I couldn't be happier leaving her to her own devices. She wants a house where everything goes her way ? Fine. She can have the whole fucking house to herself. See how she likes that.
I give her two weeks, less, before she calls me asking me to solve another one of her blatantly stupid computer How To problems.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

1. If your doctor told you TODAY that you were pregnant, what would you say?
Impossible. I would never let that happen unless I’m married and my husband and I are planning it.

2. Do you trust all of your friends?
All of my friends, to some degree. My best friends have greater trust for obvious reasons.

3. Would you move to another state or country to be with the one you love?
I had a boyfriend who moved to another state, and we broke up because of it. I wouldn’t go unless there was something there for me, too.

4. Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?
Every action has an opposite and equal reaction. It’s law.

5. Can you make a dollar in change right now?
Probably not with what’s in my wallet. I don’t carry cash often.

6. Which one of your friends do you think would make the best doctor?
I think either Rachel or myself, but she has a greater love for animals than humans, where as it’s the other way around for me.

7. Are you afraid of falling in love?
I am in love. I’m afraid of what comes after. You know, marriage and kids and shit.

9. Is there someone who pops into your mind at random times?
Of course. There are plenty of people that make me happy.

10. Whats your most favorite scar?
Probably the one on my outer wrist from my surface piercing.

11. When was the last time you flew in a plane?
Ah, would have been over a year ago. Last time I was in Melbourne, so Christmas like two years ago ? Ha, fuck.

12. What did the last text message you sent say?
“Probably not until Monday” - to mother.

13. What features do you find most attractive in the preferred sex?
Their eyes. They tell you everything about how a person is feeling, even when they’re pretending to feel something else.

14. Fill in the blank. I love:
All of the wonderful people in my life.

15. What is a goal you would like to accomplish in the near future?
Become an enrolled nurse.

16. If you were to wake up from being in a coma for an extended time who would you call?
My brother first, then Ryan and Celeste. My brother would call my mother.

17. How many kids do you want to have?
I would be okay with 2, and the possible idea of 3. My main concern is that I’M the one popping the cute fuckers out.

18. Would you make a good parent?
I've been told that I’m a nurturer. Caring is what I do best.

19. Where was your default picture taken?
At Morning Glory in the Asian photo booths with Michael.

20. Whats your middle name?
Rose (Y).

21. Honestly, whats on your mind right now?
Late nights watching CSI ain’t so bad when I’m alone.

22. If you could go back in time and change something, what would it be?
I regret nothing. I’ve done what I’ve done because it made me happiest at the time. There is nothing wrong with that.

23. Who was or will be the maid of honor/ best man in your wedding?
If I ever do get married, it’ll be Celeste. She knows that.

24. What are you wearing right now?
Long sleeve shirt, warm blazer, jeans, socks.

25. Righty or Lefty?
Right handed, and I’d give up my right hand to be left handed. I think it’s cool.

26. Best place to eat?
I’d have to say one of my favourite places is the ramen shop in China Town. Michael and I have had some of the best memories there.

27. Favorite jeans?
All of them. I don’t buy shit jeans.

28. Favorite animal?
Giraffes, sea horses, foxes, and red pandas.

29. Favorite juice?
Mango Magic from Boost Juice

30. Have you had the chicken pox?
Twice. I’m cool like that.

31. Have you had a sore throat?
I woke up with one this morning.

32. Ever had a bar fight?
Nahmang. I’m not a shit person.

33. Who knows you the best?
My brother, above all. He wouldn’t tell anyway, or admit it either, but he does.

34. Shoe size?
6. Teeny weeny.

35. Do you wear contact lenses or glasses?
Glasses. I get the “hot librarian” comment all the time.

36. Ever been in a fight with your pet?
Why would I do that ? I’m boss and what I say goes. No disagreement comes from Ichigo.

37. Been to Mexico?
No thank you. I want island beaches and weather.

38. Did you buy something today?
Pizza and ice cream.

39. Did you get sick today?
I’ve been sick for a while but it only hits when I’m off from work. It’s the only time my body has the chance to relax and get attacked.

40. Do you miss someone today?
Always do.

41. Did you get in a fight with someone today?
I got rather annoyed at my mother’s blatant ignorance.

42. When is the last time you had a massage?
Michael gave me the best gentles this morning.

43. Last person to lay in your bed?
Myself. Michael and I are always at his.

44. Last person to see you cry?
No thank you.

45. Who made you cry?
No thank you.

46. What was the last TV show you watched?
I’m watching CSI right now. The original series is the best.

47. What are your plans for the weekend?
Today’s Saturday and the most I’ve done is shower, sex and eat. Tomorrow is Sunday, which will probably be the same. Monday I have a wicked appointment that I’m keeping a secret.

48. Who do you think will repost this?
No one will. I’m boring as fuck.

49. Who was the last person you hung out with?
Michael before he left for worky.

50. If your significant other asked you to marry them TODAY what would you say?
I love you, but no. Give me another two years and we’ll see.

Day 19 - disrespecting your parents;

I've been putting this entry off for weeks now because mother and I have been fighting and I'd rather my answer remain honest instead of biased.

I grew up in a broken family, where my father was physically abusive and my mother didn't know what else to do. Back in the 90's, leaving your husband and being a single mother was a huge fucking deal, so she wasn't going to give up easily. In the end, she got a divorce because she put her children before her pride - as any good parent would. Raising two children on your own was difficult then, but she pulled it off well.

Sure, we didn't have the coolest toys at school, I didn't have the best clothes either, our house wasn't big and fancy, nor was I ever to spot my mother in the crowd on Sports Day or at a school assembly - but she was there in ways other parents weren't. My mother worked herself to the bone trying to support her family, and she did the best job she knew how to. My brother and I have come out of a rough childhood a lot better than some people I know who grew up having everything.

Yes, she gets on my nerves. Yes, we fight a lot of the time. And yes, we've gone periods without speaking because we're both as stubborn as the other. Nevertheless, I still understand the personal sacrifices my mother had to make so my brother and I could have as close to a normal life as we could. I may have been one of those teenagers with a serious attitude problem, but I was never ungrateful for what she's given me.

The women in my family are tough and harsh because of the things they've had to put up with to get to where they are now. I understand why mother is the way she is, and I'm eternally grateful for everything she's done for me.

As for my father ? Well, he did everything a good parent is not meant to do. I haven't spoken or seen him since I was 10 years old. If there's one thing my father knows how to do well, it's staying out of my life. In my eyes, there's nothing he could do to change my opinion of him. He doesn't deserve my respect.

Last night Michael went to work, so I sat in the lounge room drinking wine while talking to his mum. Then we started talking about when Michael was a little boy, and so his sister whipped out the family video tapes. I watched them while laughing along with his sister and mum.
I get along with his family a billion times more than I do with my own.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

I don't know what it is about me that you love so much, but I hope it never changes.

Babbitty Rabbitty;

How tall are you?
You mean, how short ? I'm like less than 160cm. Teeny weeny, but I like it.

What book are you currently reading?
Lady Chaterley's Lover by D. H. Lawrence. It was so saucy and naughty for its time that it was nearly never published worldwide.

Have you ever been in α car accident?
Only one that you'd consider serious. It was the accident that broke my nose for the first time.

Is something good going to happen tomorrow?
It's my day off, bruv. Of course it's going to be good.

What scares you more: snakes or spiders?
Snakes. They have a tendency to be in strike pose whenever I'm around.

Do you have a reason to smile right now?
A billion and one reasons. Anyone who has more than a child in a 3rd world countryknows they have reasons to be happy, even if they've just been hurt. There's more to life that that.

Could you go the rest of your life without drinking alcohol?
If I wanted to, yes. But I don't. I like wine too much.

Hαve you ever lied to your pαrents?
I don't tell lies. Unless I'm at work and that's because it's ungracefully apart of my job.

Do you like someone, and does his or her name start with a R, K, D, C, or G?
Michael starts with a M.

Who was the last person who took a picture of you?
I'm going to say it was someone at work. That sounds really strange, but we were having an IT training session for the new PC Tablets we have at work, and they have a camera function. I'm actually super duper excited for these new Tablets. Going to make my job even more fun !

Are you gonna get high later?
HA ! No thank you.

How many people of the opposite sex have mαde you cry?
Uh, 4 if I seriously think about it.

Last place you went out to dinner at?
I went to my grandma's today for Father's Day lunch. They gave me $20 as I left for petrol. Uhwhut ?

Are you wearing jeans right now?
Galaxy leggings, actually.

Do you like guys who will do almost anything for a girl?
I like people who will do almost anything out of the goodness of their hearts for anyone who needs it.

Do you believe that everything happens for a reason and if you really want something bad enough you’ll get it?
Every action has an opposite and equal reaction. It's science, I can't argue with that. And as for the last part, it's more of a personal belief that it happens to those who deserve it.

Do you get jealous if the guy you like talks to other girls more then you?
Jealousy is not an emotion I've ever really associated with. Envy is different.

If you liked a guy, and he never felt the same for you would you still try to get him?
The affection I show to another person is something only for those who deserve it. I will not waste my time on shit people.

Do you think you know what love is?
I could write a whole spiel on what love is, but it'd only mean something to me. Love is a personal emotion.

Do you hate it when guys fight?
Anything negative towards another person is wrong in my eyes, even when I do it myself.

Did you ever pretend to like something, just to get a guy to notice you?
No. Never. If a guy didn't notice me because of how I am naturally, it's his loss.

When was the last time you were told you were beautiful?
I think this afternoon... ? Whenever Michael said it last. He calls me beautiful as often as I call him handsome, which is a lot.

Suppose you see your boyfriend kissing another person, what would you do?
I'd really like to say I'd walk up to her, slap her one, then punch him one, and storm off, but that's not my kind of thing... anymore. What I'm more likely to do is look him dead set in the eyes and tell him, "I'm not in love with you anymore."

Is your phone within a meter radius of you?
Less than 30cm.

What is bothering you right now?
I bit the side of my cheek eating my lunch too quickly. If I chew too quickly, I bite myself. This is why I'm the slowest eater you will ever meet.

I bet you miss someone right now?
You're damn right I do. That's because I have people who mean something to me in my life.

Are you high?
I've been high twice, and both times were bad experiences.

What is your favorite color?
Purple and red.

Is there a high chance of you going out to the movies soon?
I had the biggest urge to go tonight but Michael's working ): Maybe tomorrow !

Are you easily scared by horror/thriller films?
Hardly. I'd consider myself a horror/thriller movie buff.

If you were given $100, would you spend it, or save it?
SAVE IT. I have better things to spend it on that whatever my impulsive nature is telling me.

If there was a large spider in the room, would you stay?
I'd keep it within my peripheral eyesight. As long as it keeps its distance, I see no harm. A snake on the other hand...

What are you doing this weekend?
Tis Sunday, and I went to work from 7am until 12pm, I then went to Michael's house and spent some time with him before going to my grandparents. I am now at home being anti-social in my room.

Last place you went out to eat & with who?
I am going to say it was with Michael, and I think we went to Market 190 in McLaren Vale.

Where are you right now?
Sitting on my half made bed, in my messy room.

Are you listening to music right now?
I feel like a bit of quiet time.

Hows the weather today?
Today was such lovely Spring weather. There was a cool breeze, but the sunshine was divine.

When was the last time you were truly, completely happy with your life?
Never completely since that would leave no room for further happiness, but I'm always truly happy with my life. Why wouldn't I be ?
Anyone who says, "No," is one motherfucking liar, and an ungrateful one at that.

Could things possibly get any better?
Things can always get better (:

What are you thinking about right now?
My left ear lobe is itchy. I'm hungry again, even though I ate two hours ago. So glad I bought more pawpaw cream today. Michael's at work and I'm bored.

When was the last time you intentionally made someone cry?
Ohjeez, it's been years since I was that fucking heartless.

Have you kissed anyone in the past 5 days?
Today, weow.

Where is your mom?
Downstairs in the kitchen WHERE SHE BELONGS !
Nah, I'm kidding. All women jokes aside, that's where she actually is.

Do you live with both of your parents?
I haven't seen or spoken to my father in 13 years. And as soon as Michael turns 21, I'm moving out of home.

Do you smile a lot?
Every single day. Sounds far-fetched, but it's the truth.

Do you prefer call or text?
Text. I only call if I really want to hear the sound of your voice.

How many people do you trust 100%?
Larry, Michael, Ryan, Bradley, Celeste, Kelly, Hannah, Rachel. I'm fucking lucky to have them.

Do you wish at 11:11?
I rarely make wishes for anything. If I do, it's, "whatever my heart desires most," because I never know what I really want.

Favorite flower?
Tulips and roses.

Are you hiding something from anyone?
I'm not hiding anything from anyone.

What was your first thought when you looked in the mirror this morning?
Blah, at least my hair is okay.

Do you have long hair or short hair?
Past my boobs long.

Who is your favorite family member?
My brother because he's also my best friend. We get along the best.

When was the last time you cried?
HA ! I don't even remember.

Do you trust people easily?
I'd like to say no, but I do. I guess because I trust in the goodness of people too much, aha.

Do you plan on moving out within the next year?
Within the next couple of months.

Is your family just a bundle of fun?
Fun and family are two words I don't often use in the same sentence. Unless I'm talking about my boyfriend's family - they're amazing.

Do you laugh at all the wrong times?
I laugh all the time.

What was the last thing you ate?
I pretty much ate my body weight in salad when I was at my grandparents.

Would you prefer someone who is romantic or spontaneous?
They generally go hand in hand.

Are you tired?
Extremely, but I'm pushing through instead of napping because I don't want to wake up at 3am for no reason, again.

What kind of socks do you have on?
Bare feet.

Do you have any interesting bruises or scars?
I have this one scar, on my left pinky finger, that happened because my finger got caught underneath those automatic doors at shopping centres. I was 5, don't ask how it happened, it just did.

Would you date someone who smokes?
Michael currently does. No problems there.

Would you date someone who was addicted to drugs?
An ex boyfriend, and it's precisely why he's an ex.

Would you date someone who lived in another province?
I suppose you could say Michael does, sort of.

Do you hold grudges?
I don't have time for negativity.

Hugger or kisser?
I like both (:

Are you happier single or in a relationship?
I don't need other people to make myself happy. I'm quite capable of doing that myself.

What’s the most important thing in a relationship?
Honesty, trust, loyalty, commitment, love, open communication, lust&desire.

How important are looks?
Sexual attraction is a must in relationships, but I don't judge everyone on their looks. I'm not shallow.

Thing that made you the happiest today?
Waking up next to Michael and seeing him after work.
Also, my grandmother told me the secrets to making her food taste so good. She's never told anyone before, not even my mother. Taking that shit to my grave.

Would you fight over someone you wanted to be with?
I have. It was the last time I'll ever do something like that. If someone doesn't want to be with me, then that's fine. I have no other option but to accept that. End of.

Would you date someone a lot older or younger then you?
Michael is two years younger than me. Cougar !

Do you think the word ‘love’ is overused?
Depends on whether it's platonic or romantic. I don't overuse it, and the people who say it to me don't overuse it either.

If someone cheated on you, would you take them back if you really loved them?
I have already. It's extremely hard to do, and some people aren't cut out for it.

Who was the last person of the opposite sex you had a conversation with?
I went to K-Mart before coming home and spoke to the cashier boy, but I don't think that counts. I'd say my grandpa before I left their house.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Sicky wicky thoughts;

  • I wonder how many people follow me anonymously.
  • What do other drives think when they look at me as I overtake them ?
  • The good news vs bad news senario - it seriously doesn't bother me which comes first. If I get the good news first, it loses its spark once I hear the bad news. If I get the bad news first, the good news isn't as good as it should be because I'm already disappointed.
  • Do I really look as cute while I'm asleep as my boyfriend says I am ?
  • This whole not-being-able-to-sleep-thing is starting to kill me. Napping through the day to catch up on missed sleep results in being wide awake before my appropriate bed time.
  • I need to move the fuck out of home.
  • I miss my kitty cat purring away in my lap.
  • I really need to get my P2's already. Fuck.
  • I've been at my job for 3 months and was trying to avoid calling in sick for at least 6 months. Tonight, a solid cold kicked in, and if you don't know how lethal a cold can be to the elderly, you really need to educate yourself. We'll see how I feel in the morning.
  • My sleeping capsules are enormous ! I don't understand why they have to make them so big. I'd rather swallow several smaller pills than two large ones.
  • The idea of Forensic Science that is portrayed in shows like CSI are unrealistic. None of it is done so quickly, or so entertainingly. They talk it down dramatically, and as a once upon a time wanna be Forensic Scientist, this really upsets me.
  • I've had my lip piercings out for 2 days now. As much as I miss them, I'm not as upset about losing them as I thought I would be. I'm rather emotionally attached to my body modifications due to the reasons behind getting them. I guess because I had the clear jewelery in for a decent time, and I had be contemplating taking them out for so long, it's not that a big of a deal.
  • I saw on the news update that another horse died today during a jumping race. The people who run it said it's a risk they're prepared to take. It makes me fucking sick to the stomach. Going to have a serious talk to my doctor about the healthiest approach to vegetarianism which won't aggravate my current medical conditions.
  • It's stormy weather out. I hope it stays for at least another hour or two. Or at least until my sleeping capsules kick in so I can fall asleep to the sound of it.
  • Michael's currently at work. I don't know what time he'll be getting home, but I'll be asleep for sure. I hate falling asleep on my own but at least I get to wake up next to him.
  • I bought a new bra a while ago; it was a 10D. Tonight, I was wearing a 12D, and both of them are too tight on me. I used to be a 10DD before I had the stomach flu for two weeks and lost weight. I have a sneaky suspicion that I may have returned to that size. 

Friday, September 2, 2011


I just ordered all of Michael's birthday presents. They should be here in time, or at least I hope so. I'm actually so excited for them to arrive. They're so amazing I want them for myself. Honest, they're the best presents in the world. Even better than...
Zabimaru replica sword from Bleach
The One Ring from Lord of the Rings
Pending limited edition Star Wars Xbox 360 console.
[I'm pre-ordering it as it's currently unreleased.]
Full set of Dragon Balls from Dragon Ball
And anything else I've handmade him combined. Even greater than sex. Fuck, I'm actually amazed at how awesome I am at getting him presents. He is going to lose his shit when he sees all of it. I can't wait !

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Day 18 - your beliefs;

I believe all people are equal, regardless of gender, race, sexual orientation, religion/spirituality, age, career status, political stance, material items, and anything else that people use to alienate each other.

I believe that life is what you make it.

I don't have much time for religion, politics, money, career bitchiness, social status, or the media. I'm all about love and happiness, without having to be that stereotypical hippy. Can't people just live a happy life without needing a reason ?
Because I want to.
There. Happy now ?

For as long as I can remember, I've always wanted to make a positive impact in life. Not on a global scale, because that's too great for me, but just in my own little way. And I'm doing that. I'm out there, helping the elderly live their lives to their fullest. I might not perform lifesaving surgery, or become a founder of a global charity, but what I do makes a difference to the people I see almost every day. And that's enough for me. It's enough for them.

I believe that people should live their lives with the ultimate goal of creating happiness and love, both in their own lives and those around them. The world would be a happier place if we could all do that.

Yes, yes, ohmygodyes !;

The new Blogger dashboard and post editor are up and running ! You have no idea how happy this makes me.I have been waiting for this moment for so long :D

That's all I have to say. Oh, and I'm going to quit my job today. Or tomorrow. Or whenever I muster up the courage to call. Disappointing people is my least favourite thing to do.

It's the first day of Spring too. I really should get everything I've been meaning to do out of the way. Less clutter in my life and more room for even better things. Yippy !