they say you don't know what you got 'til it's gone / / they say that your darkest hour comes before your dawn

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Day 22 - how have you changed in the past two years;

Like every person, I'd like to say I haven't changed that much, but we all know that's bullshit. I have changed, a lot, and I think it's for the better. If you disagree, you're probably one of the shit people I don't speak to anymore. That, in itself, is one of the best changes I've made for myself over the past two years - cutting the shit people out of my life. I don't see the friends who make me feel negative, or who do/say negative things, as much anymore. I only want people who make me happy around me, and that's not something I should feel ashamed of.

I've become a world more confident now than I've ever been before. As cliche and corny as this will sound, I have my incredibly supportive boyfriend to thank for that. Michael makes me feel beautiful and sexy all the time, which in turn means that I project that vibe to everyone around me. You can see it on my face; I'm happy with myself. Sure, there's still a few things about my body and personality that I don't like, but I'm happy enough to leave them be. I don't feel the need to look or act a certain way to appeal to people. I just be myself and that's more than enough to please everyone around me. When I look in the mirror, I see my body the same way people have been telling me for years.
And it's not just my body I'm happy with, I'm happy with my personality and thoughts. I'm hardly ever feeling blue, anxious or depressed, which is a lovely and healthy change. I feel good about myself, and my job, when I wake up in the morning. I don't mind getting up early because going to work makes me feel good. I don't feel the need to say/think negative thoughts about others, too. If someone upsets me, I just let it go and move on with shit. I focus on the compliments I receive and strive to improve on them even more. When things go wrong, I learn from the experience and avoid making the same mistake twice. I'm content on where I'm at in life right now. It's a good time to be me.

On top of that, I've also become more driven and passionate about my career. I guess ever since I was made redundant at my old job, I woke up to the chance life was giving me. Before that, I was stuck in a rut, working a shit job that wasn't going anywhere, and spending all of my money instead of saving it. I didn't have any passion or desire to move from where I was because it was comfortable. Now, things are completely different. I'm working hard at being the very best carer I can be, and I'm looking into what I need so I can study further and complete my nursing degree. I had been umming and uhhing about my career for years and now I'm finally doing something about it. It feels good to have a place in life where I'd like to end up. I have goals, real goals.

Even more impressive through my changes is the increased ability to trust others. I've had a life long challenge of trying to trust people but failing in fear of being betrayed and hurt. Not this time, fuckers. I'll put my trust in people who I believe are worthy of it, and I won't doubt them anymore, because that's not what you do when you trust someone. It's been really difficult to do so, but it's totally worth it. I feel so much happier knowing that there are people who are that close to my heart. My group of best friends is growing and it's absolutely fantastic.

Two years ago, I had no serious need to move out of home. Staying here was sort of working in my favour so I wasn't that thrilled about seeking my independence any more. Today, I'm looking forward to finding the perfect house/apartment/townhouse for Michael and I to live in together. It's probably the most exciting part about my future, and it's only around the corner. The idea of coming home to him, cooking the most radical dinners, watching movies and playing video games all night, and waking up and falling asleep next to him is the greatest. I've never been this thrilled about living with someone in my whole entire life. We're going to have the coolest house, ever. It's going to be superb, I just know it.

Ohyeah, and if you couldn't tell, over the past two years my writing has developed and expanded. It's been a long and steady progression, but I'm finally getting there. I've found a writing style that I enjoy, and a muse for my work. When I feel like writing, I open a new page and start. It's effortless these days and I simply bask in it whenever I can. It's an absolute delight when I set myself a target and reach it. Once I have my typewriter, I can begin my novel. It's going to blow minds, just wait and see. I will be published one day, I will.
(Further proof of that determination I mentioned earlier ;D)

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