they say you don't know what you got 'til it's gone / / they say that your darkest hour comes before your dawn

Monday, October 31, 2011

Fucking fuckfuck. I've gone and done the one thing I promised I'd never let myself do. I've never felt more vulnerable in my life.

Deep down inside, I've always wanted to feel this way. I've always wanted to be this way. And now that I am, I'm fucking terrified it's going to come crumbling down at my feet.

I never, ever, thought I'd find this feeling so early in life. I never thought I'd find it in you. I never thought I'd find it at all.

This is the best thing to ever happen to me, and I'm so fucking scared I'll mess it up. There are so many emotions I'm feeling right now that I'm so confused, it's making me break down.

How am I supposed to go on, knowing that at any moment, you could disappear ?

I think I'm going to throw up.

What the hell is happening to me ?

I hate being in my own home;

So much so that I'd rather cry myself to sleep than stay awake because fuck knows my dreams would be more entertaining and happier than my current reality. I hatehatehate being here. All I want to do is be with Michael at his house. The only reason why I come home at all is to see my cat, and if he could come with me to Michael's, I'd live there instead of here.

My mother and I have never seen eye to eye since I was 17, but everything about being home with her these days just makes me want to curl into foetal position. The only time she ever talks to me is when she wants something from me. I don't even care anymore. I just want out.

I want to be happy, and this house is dragging me down. I feel so fucking depressed here, it's bullshit.

Friday, October 28, 2011

Oh, hello. Yes;

WHY DOES THE CONTEMPORARY DANCE CLASS THAT I WANT TO TAKE HAVE TO START THE WEEKEND THAT IS MOST IMPORTANT TO ME RIGHT NOW ?! Guess I'll have to start in 2012, bitches.

I just want this body back.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Instagram whore;


Love is giving someone the power to destroy you...but trusting them not to;

That is the most pessimistic outlook on love I have ever heard of. It basically sounds like love is this super awesome feeling but it'll kill you if you give it to the wrong person. It's like saying, "Sky diving is jumping out of a plane not knowing if your parachute will actually open... but trusting that it does." Shityes, people get hurt from love, and shityes, people die from sky diving, but the fear isn't the reason why people do it. It's for the thrill. The pure rush you get when suddenly realise, in the split second of a moment, that every little worry you have means absolutely nothing. You feel like you could take on the world. You feel invincible, and that is something no one should be afraid of.

What it should say is this:
Love is giving someone the power to make you happy... and trusting them to do that.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

I'll tell you a secret;

For a very long time I forgot what it was like to feel at home. You know - that homey feeling you get when you're in the right place, at the right time, with all the right people. I forgot what that felt like.
It's actually not that much of a secret, but I don't tell everyone this. And I guess by posting this, it defeats the purpose but shut your mouth.

Everyone feels that at some point during their lives, and for the most of my life, I never really felt like I found home. I always felt like a visitor, like I was passing through, never staying for long. There was always something wrong with the situation, no matter how great the other aspects were. You can't find home with only 2/3 of your house. You need to be in the right place, physically, mentally and emotionally; you need to be there at the right time, always living in that moment before it passes; you need to be with the right people, who feed your happiness and make it grow stronger. You need all of it or it's a half assed place and it'll fall down. I know this because it used to happen to me a lot.

Not anymore. I think I've found it. No, I know I've found it. Everything about life right now makes me content. There are still areas of improvement, but as long as I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, I know it's not over yet. All of me is here right now, physically, mentally and emotionally. I'm not obsessing about past mistakes, I'm not worried or terrified of the future, and I've started taking in appreciation for the beauty in every day. I have the most loving and supportive people in my life right now. Each and every one of them is there for me when I need them, even when I don't, and I couldn't be happier.

I like this feeling. I like being able to wake up in the morning with the knowledge that everything is okay, even if it's really not. If I happen to wake up on the wrong side of bed, at least I know I can always go home. I can go where I feel happiest and safest. All I need is to be in the right place, at the right time, with the right people. I'm lucky enough to know that I don't need to force that. Life just works out in my favour this time.

If this is home, then I want to stay here forever. I want to take this feeling with me wherever I go, whenever I go, with whoever.

Here's a real secret;
If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't feel this way. I'd tell you, but it's not the right time yet. It hasn't been the right time for years now. Soon, I promise. Soon.

agrkhwkghsawkejfhdkjadsghwefkjds

Just flipped through the photos Michael and I had done at Stupid 2000 two years ago. Compared them to the recent photo shoot I had done a couple of weeks ago. While I think I physically look better now than I did two years ago, the older photos look a billion times better than the recent ones. I'm so annoyed, disappointed and frustrated.

Providing the weather is lovely on Thursday, I'm going to whore the fuck out of my camera in my backyard just to prove that anyone could take better photos than these recent ones. My Nikon D40 is low-grade in comparison to the Nikon that photographer used.

"Professional photographer" my ass.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Drink, drank, drunk;

This is the most accurate timeline I could pull together of my drunken escapades.
A few drinks here and there
Some dancing
Some giggling
More drinks, more dancing
Bad photos
You get the picture

/sigh;

My mother and her partner have a serious problem with my cat being inside the house. I kicked up a fuss about it for a while but then gave in because fighting over it became too much effort. I'm not one for arguments as they're tiresome and a hindrance on my happiness. Besides, when they're not home or asleep upstairs, I let my cat inside because I'm a badass rebel like that. If it were up to me, my cat would be outside during the day and inside during the night, but it's a losing battle trying to win over such stubborn people.

I came home this afternoon after being away at my boyfriend's all weekend. My mother was pleased to inform me that my cat, Ichigo, had hunted and killed another bird, leaving the evidence scattered all over the back yard. Considering all the time I've spent trying to convince her to let my cat stay inside at night to avoid this, I instantly became irate.

"Well, what do you want me to do about it ? This is exactly why I wanted to keep him inside at night."
"DON'T. Just shut up. I don't want to hear it. Go away !"

My mother; the most immature and idiotic adult I've ever come across. It's like dealing with a 5 year old child when it comes to her. What the fuck did she want me to say ?
Oh, I'm sorry my cat did the most natural thing he knows. My bad for keeping him outside LIKE YOU TOLD ME TO so we can facilitate his hunting instincts. Yes, it is totally my fault and I am ashamed. My cat is a terrible animal for doing the only thing he knows how to do. Whoops-a-daisy !


For the love of heaven, get me the hell out of this house. I cannot deal with another moronic argument like that again. Her stupidity gives me a headache.

Day whatever the fuck I'm up to - your favourite movie and why;

The Shawshank Redemption.

I have a lot of favourite movies, but I think this would have to be right at the top. I love Harry Potter. I love Howl's Moving Castle. I love Hook, The Addams Family, Pirates of the Caribbean, Bill & Ted's Adventures, Back To The Future, Terminator, Black Swan, and all those other movies, but this one would have to be the greatest of them all.

One of my favourite quotes about life comes from this movie;
I have to remind myself that some birds aren't meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up DOES rejoice. Still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they're gone. I guess I just miss my friend.
~ 'Red'
If you don't know what the movie is about, you can read it here. It's only like the best movie of all time according to IMDB. Why is it my favourite movie of all time ? I don't know. It just is. I guess because it's about a man who was found guilty and sent to jail for a crime he didn't commit. Because he made the most of his shit situation. Because in the end, he outsmarted everyone and escaped. Because, not only did he escape, but his friend was freed too, and they lived a perfectly happy life afterwards. Because, at one point in the movie, it shows you how fucked up life on the outside can be once you've been institutionalised for the greater part of your life. Because it's based on a true story; a recount of a real man's life. I know it's not 100% fact, but it's an amazing story about always staying positive, about perseverance, about finding friendships that last a lifetime.

I have plans for a tattoo in relation to that quote. One day, I'll have a constant reminder of this movie on me.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Journal;


It reads the following:

"His finger tips danced along my spine; my heart was the beat and my sighing breath the melody. It was almost as if he were chasing the feelings he was bringing to life. I wasn't ever sure if what I felt was real at all. No one had ever made those feelings known within the depths of my soul. It frightens me unlike any other fear I've ever encountered. I'm terribly afraid he'll make a home within my soul; a place only he knows of. And I'm afraid that one day that home will be too small for him. He'll want to leave, to find another home, a bigger home, with more sunshine and less stormy weather. A place that's not only his home, but a holiday destination where he can take a load off and relax. The idea that I could ever be that dwelling is frightening. The last thing I want is to disappoint him. If I'm going to become that special place, I want to be everything he ever wanted and more. I want to fulfill his every need and desire, but I also want to give him things he wouldn't have thought about previously. I want the sunshine to beam through his homey windows and I want it to show him things he has turned a blind eye to. He would never feel the need to holiday elsewhere. I would be his everything. And then, one day he'd leave without a trace. His bags would magically be packed over night, the dust marks visible from where things once were. I'll see where he used to lay, the place in which he fed, the glorious floor he would stand upon while in bare flesh, the place where all his dreams became animated after the sun bid farewell. I'd be shown the cruel emptiness that used to be so humbly overflowing with honesty, trust, lust, security, soul, dreams, but most of all - Love. Love would no longer live inside my soul. Love will have died, rusted, and eroded along with all the walls, floors and roof. Nothing would remain but an empty nothingness.

I'M SO TERRIBLY AFRAID TO LET SOMEONE BECOME MY EVERYTHING."

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Like a boss;

Michael's called me last night to convince me to come into his work and drink cocktails, since they finished early and all that jazz. I figured why the hell not, and drove my lazy ass down there. The bar is one of my favourites, purely because there are fairy lights lining the roof of it. It looks really pretty and sets a calmness to the place. We had about 5 or so cocktails each, which is roughly 10 standard drinks per person. We then played several games of Pool, which I sort suddenly got better at as I drank. I thought I'd be rusty but I was pulling some pretty awesome shots. Michael, well he sunk the black ball at least twice, haha. The last time we checked the clock it was 2:25am. I think we got home shortly after that, but it must have been like 3am by the time we went to sleep. I may have been a little intoxicated and made a fool of myself, but I had too much fun to give a fuck. Best Monday night out I've ever had.

Tumblr video accent challenge thingy;

Your name and username. Where you’re from.

Pronounce the following words: Aunt, Roof, Route, Theater, Iron, Salmon, Caramel, Fire, Water, New Orleans, Pecan, Both, Again, Probably, Alabama, Lawyer, Coupon, Mayonnaise, Pajamas, Caught, Naturally, Aluminium, GIF, Tumblr, Crackerjack, Doorknob, Envelope, GPOY.

What is it called when you throw toilet paper on a house? What is a bubbly carbonated drink called? What do you call gym shoes? What do you call your grandparents? What do you call the wheeled contraption in which you carry groceries at the supermarket? What is the thing you change the TV channel with?

Choose a book and read a passage from it.

Do you think you have an accent? Be a wizard or a vampire? Do you know anyone on Tumblr in real life?

End audio post by saying any THREE words you want.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Sex in a relationship - is it really that important ?;

Let's start off with a basic rule of thumb:
Sex does not always mean love, and love does not always mean sex.
On a personal level, sex in a relationship is sitting near the very top of the list I have for, "What makes a relationship successful and last long term." It's not at the very top, but it's pretty damn close. For me, connecting with another person on a level I don't share with anyone else must work perfectly. If I'm going to have sex with you, it's because I want to bring you closer to me than anyone else. It's why I don't have frequent casual sex with boys whose names I don't remember. That's just my opinion. I don't care if you engage in promiscuous encounters on the regular; not my business and most certainly not my body.

I don't think intimacy is the only factor when it comes to sex - physical satisfaction is 100% required and relevant. Trust me on this one. If the sex is bad, then the relationship will fail. That's part of the reason why I broke up with my ex-boyfriend. Sex goes bad > relationship goes bad > everything ends. If you've ever had bad sex, you'd know exactly what I'm talking about. It will eventually turn you off that person. Being around them makes you feel uncomfortable, and when you get down to doing the naughty business, you'd rather nail your foot to the ceiling than go through with the horizontal boogie.

That said, I don't have a problem with going without sex. It's not a daily requirement, and if it doesn't happen that night, then it doesn't happen. I don't need it to feel good about my relationship. And quite frankly, speaking as a woman, I'm rather used to postponing plans thanks to "Aunt Flow," if you know what I mean. Sure, it's fun, it feels fucking fantastic, and it can bring two people closer together, but it doesn't ultimately make up a happy, loving, honest, trustworthy relationship.

You can still have a successful and long term relationship with someone without sex, but it's all personal preference. It's the one time, I personally feel, that I can synchronise my body with my boyfriend's. And it feels on-top-of-the-world amazing.

Things that went wrong today;

  1. I woke up feeling like absolute shit.
  2. I spent the better half of my morning routine laying in bed and lurking Facebook on my iPhone instead of getting ready for work.
  3. Accidentally raised my max bid to $150 on that typewriter, then filled out a form to have it removed.
  4. Lost my car keys [yes, I had a panic attack but I wasn't angry.]
  5. Left home 5 minutes later than normal and put myself behind schedule.
  6. Spilled my hot cup of tea on my hand while driving.
  7. Was running behind schedule at work also.
  8. Particular resident was being incredibly selfish and rude today.
  9. I was left in charge of the heaviest ward at work today.
  10. I lost my keys to my padlock on my locker for a good 5 minutes [yes, I went into panic mode again.]
  11. Realised I could put my heart and soul into being friends with you but you’d still snob me anyway.
  12. I had to hold a full bladder from 10am until 12:30pm because I was too busy at work to pee.
  13. The dickhead who basically boxed me in while I was trying to pump up my car tires.
  14. Knowing I wouldn't win that eBay auction on that typewriter because it became more expensive than I was willing to pay. Also, friend of mine has one she’ll sell to me so it works out.
  15. Hearing all about the great time I missed out on last night.
  16. Finding out that the free intro night to the dance course I’m interested in doesn't have an office open on weekends, and therefore I cannot check to see if there are any bookings free for me to attend.
  17. In addition, I cannot apply for the dance course because I don’t have a working version of Word on my laptop.
  18. As I write this, my stomach is eating itself because I’m starving.
Eighteen things went wrong today, and not a single one of them pissed me off. What a difference two solid nights of sleep make. Fingers crossed that sleeping the whole night becomes a regular thing once again. I’d like to stop taking the sleeping pills now.

Friday, October 14, 2011

Day Old Hate;

I need to get this shit out of my head. I'm never going to sleep with it there. These thoughts, they're trying their damn hardest to escape, and I'm getting too tired to fight them off. I need to stop holding back. I need to be free.

I don't know where this is going. Right now, everything that's happening is new to me. I don't have a single fucking clue as to what I'm doing, or what I want anymore. I'm so lost. You'd think this was a bad thing, but if you really understood how I'm feeling, I think you'd change your mind. I'm terribly afraid that I'm beginning to want more than what people can give me. I'm turning into that demanding person you hate so much, who I hate so much. I'm so fucking scared I'm going to get in way over my head and feel like I'm drowning in you. And the saddest part of it all is that I'm even more frightful of finding out you could give me everything I ever wanted, when it's all been and done. Mostly, I'm scared that I'm going to start seeing you in places where no one else has ever been before. I'm scared that if I do, and you go away one day, that I'll be destroyed in an instant. No one's ever had that kind of power over me, and you don't even realise it.

Fuck you. Just, fuck you. Seriously. You cause so much more trouble than you're worth, and you know it. You know you're being a fucking pain in the ass, but you don't give a shit. You don't give a fucking shit about anyone else, at all. All you care about is how this affects you, how you're feeling, how you're so fucking alone when everyone else has someone. You're fucking sad and pathetic. You can play nice and all that bullshit, but no one believes you. You've got your friends fooled, but that's it. How the fuck do you sleep at night knowing what bullshit stunts you pull ? How the fuck do you wake up and smile at your reflection in the mirror ? How the fuck does the guilty of your filthy actions not consume you whole ? Go and cry about how everyone suddenly has no time for you. How people are being mean and pushing you away. Cry me a fucking river, bitch. I couldn't give a fuck less about how you feel. It's no one's problem but your own. Stop trying to put yourself back in a place that's no longer yours. It never will be again.

I'm so fucking sick of your shit. The only time you talk to me is when I have information you want. You don't care about a single thing going on in my life. Stop pretending like you do. I'm done trying to play "house." This hasn't been working for so many months and you know it. You know it's been on the decline for a long time, but you're so wrapped up in your own selfish life that you don't give a fuck. It's such a disappointment to me. You're such a disappointment. When I'm gone, you're going to miss me. You will. But I won't miss you, I won't. I'll be free from your double standard bullshit. I won't have to deal with you butting your nose in places it doesn't belong. I won't have to put up with you secretly being nice to me. I won't have to deal with anything that comes with having to see you on an almost daily basis.

Yeah, you're right - I'm fucking afraid you're going to take this from me. I have every fucking right to feel that way, and not to trust you. What the fuck have you done to prove me otherwise ? Nothing. You've done absolutely nothing to change my opinion of you. You think that by saying hello to my face that I'll suddenly think you're a lovely person ? Bullshit. You condescending little fuck. I don't care how much of a better person you are now. I don't care about the valuable life lessons you've learnt on your way to fucking up your life. I don't give a fucking shit about how you've changed for the better. Until you actually back the fuck off and leave everything the way it is now, I won't think any more of you. You're the lowest of the lows.

I know exactly what you're doing. You'd be stupid to think I didn't see this coming. I've been waiting a very long time for this to happen. I know it'd only be a matter of time before you'd play this card, and how fucking right I was. You're just as predictable as I've always thought. Years later, you haven't changed at all. You're going to play nice, you're going to try and win your way back in the good books, not just with them and everyone else, but me too, and you're going to leave once again, because that's your fucking style. And when you do leave, because we all know you will, you'll be wishing that everyone will miss you enough to chase you. You hope that by that point in time, people will have welcomed you back into their hearts with arms wide open, and you'll try to use that to your advantage. You'll make people think that they're fucking unhappy with their lives because you're not apart of it again. It won't fucking work. Go ahead and try it. No, really, do. I'd like to see how this will pan out, because we both know it won't be in your favour.

I hate the fact that you don't like me purely because you're doing the "good best friend" thing instead of being a good person in general. You're taking sides in this when you don't even have a clue what you're siding against. You don't know the first thing about me, only what terrible things people have spun about me. You know they're all lies, yet you still believe them because, hey, that's what best friends do. You're going to go against me because you don't know me. Because I'm not exactly like you're best friend. Because I'm fucking better at being who people need me to be than your best friend ever was. And it terrifies you to think that we could actually be friends, because that would feel like betraying your best friend. Not because that's how you actually feel, because everyone knows you're not a spiteful person, but because your best friend is, and they would never forgive you for being kind to me. You can't even be the really kind person you are naturally because you're too concerned about what others think, instead of what you think of yourself. It's such a fucking shame because I've heard nothing but good things about you, sweet things, lovely things. Honest and real things about you that make me want to know who you really are. You're not even willing to give me a chance. You'd rather save yourself the risk, and that's pathetic.

I think I've said all I can for one night. My sleeping pill is starting to make me feel drowsy, and I really should ride that into sleep. All in all, there are a fuck load of motherfuckers that piss me off, myself included. My best friends, my boyfriend, and my brother are the only good people I have. Everyone else has fucked it up. Fucked it up good and proper.
I forget who I am, at the best of times. I forget that I'm strong. I forget that I'm courageous. I forget that I'm determined. I forget that I'm loved. I forget that I'm a fighter. All of the little things that make up who I am get lost in the stress I build around myself. For months now, I haven't been sleeping due to being too stressed. I grind my teeth, I toss and turn, I let thoughts race around my head at the wrong time; I lose myself in it. I am so much better than this, I know I am. Though, as much as I dislike having to admit it, I seem to be forgetting who I am.

I get snappy at people. I get angry for no reason. I feel like giving up when I know I really shouldn't. I feel like things are getting too tough, when they're not even close. I've sat at rock bottom before, and this is far from it. It's been a long time since I've been this stressed out, and I guess that's why I feel like it's more than it really is. Lately, I've been feeling like fighting for what I want isn't worth the effort. Complete and utter bullshit, I know, but still.

I'm just tired. Really fucking tired.

Dis shit iz da bomb diggity;

Applied for 4 houses today, and handed in my Dementia Care assignment for work [even though it's secretly a day late [which isn't really a secret anymore]] ! Fingers crossed I get a call back very soon saying we got a place. Michael and I are dying to have our own place since our respective parents are driving us bat shit crazy.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Oh boy;

You can talk shit about me to my face, behind my back, and on the internet all you want. It still doesn't change the fact that I don't give a fuck about your opinion. Whatever you think of me doesn't matter. I'm still going to be happy, and that, indeed, does make me a better person than you could ever be.

Waaaahoooo;

I just had the biggest nerdgasm of my life. I now have the complete collection of X-Men The Animated Series. If you don't hear from me for a couple of weeks, you know why.

Monday, October 10, 2011

/rage;

There isn’t much more that I hate than when someone is on anti-depressants, drinks alcohol, has an anxiety attack, and then cries about it for sympathy. No, no fucking way. There is no way in hell that a doctor would have prescribed you anti-depressants without first telling you what NOT to do and the side affects. If you’re stupid enough to abuse them, and your mind and body, then you deserve the side affects. I refuse to give out sympathy to someone who brought upon their own pain and misfortune. How the fuck is that my problem, or anyone else’s ?! It’s not. It’s your own stupid fault for going against the strict medication rules you know and are supposed to follow.

If you’re fucking serious about dealing with your mental illness, you wouldn’t be fucking around with toxins. Why the fuck would you drink alcohol, a fucking depressant, while on anti-depressants ?! I don’t understand that. There’s no goddamn logic to your stupidity.

I take this on a personal level since I actually have depression and I’ve been on anti-depressants before. I fucking hate it when people use it as an excuse for their poor choices. You don’t see me going around fucking up everything, do you ? No. Because I choose to control my depression instead of running around getting drunk like a fucktard. People who are serious about getting better and learning to control their depression most certainly would not do the complete opposite of what you’re meant to do. That’s like breaking your leg, not putting a cast on it, running around and then crying because it fucking hurts. No shit, Sherlock. You don’t deserve sympathy.

Bargain !;

Visited a couple of op-shops in Willunga and found these beauties. Shoes were $4 and the film camera was $2, which had a fresh roll of film on it too !

Sunday, October 9, 2011

So uh;

My boyfriend's mother kind of beat me up (in a joking way) because I told her if I ended up pregnant any time soon, I'd give the baby up for adoption. If there ever was a time that she displayed how desperate she is for a grandchild, tonight would have been it.

In all honesty, if I did actually end up pregnant right now, or any time in the next 3 years, I'd fucking cry my eyes out. My life would be over. I'd have to quit my job, postpone becoming a Registered Nurse, money would become increasingly tight, Michael would be under an immense amount of pressure, moving out of home and paying rent would be impossible, I'd have to take up some dead end job that I hate, and the only people who would be happy about it would be the ones who don't have to deal with a little shitfuck baby crying at 4am on the regular. No fucking way.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

I've always wondered;

What it's like to be one of those girls who goes out looking for a new boyfriend. I've never done that, in my whole entire life. Sure, there have been plenty of guys I've seen while single and thought they'd be awesome to get to know, but never pursued them with the intention of dating them. I guess that makes me weird and unlike every other girl I've ever met, and that's perfectly fine. In all honesty, I probably haven't made enough girl friends to make an assumption like that, but from the ones I've known, they've all reached a point where they've thought to themselves, "I really want a boyfriend now." I'm not that kind of girl.

All my friends have said that I'm lucky since I'm so "attractive and good looking" that I don't actually need to try. Boys just come at me, and as much as some would like to think I enjoy it, I really don't. If I were single and ready for another relationship, I'd rather be out at lunch or for tea/coffee with a friend, where a male casually introduces himself in a rather charming way, who's suave and a smooth talker, as apposed to some drunken erect penis looking for a one night home away from home kind of thing. When it comes to meeting new people, I'd rather not have alcohol, or anything that alters a person's reality, be on the front of their face. You know, I'd like to know they'd remember me if I were to call them back or whatever.

I don't wonder about this sort of thing because I seek things outside the boundaries of my relationship, because that's not it at all. I'm perfectly content and happily in love with Michael. But you know, it always sparks my interest when I see girls putting themselves so blatantly out there looking for a boyfriend. It puzzles me.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Shit that made my day;

  1. I woke up next to my boyfriend. Cliche, I know, but it's really comforting to know he's right there.
  2. A resident of mine told my boss that she would give me "12 out 10" because I'm such a wonderful carer.
  3. My boss then agreed, saying I'm fantastic.
  4. I'm going to join a union because I seriously want a pay increase of at least 3.6%. I could get used to earning close to $26 an hour, part time with annual and sick leave. Yes please.
  5. Michael napped with me this afternoon, even though I'm sure he wasn't tired in the slightest.
  6. Whenever he rolls over with his back facing me, he grabs my arm from behind him and wraps it around him.
  7. Listening to Rudy Francisco's voice.
  8. Driving to the Kooks on my way home.
  9. McDonald's breakfast. I stayed at my boyfriend's house and didn't want to wake everyone up with noises from the kitchen.
  10. Realising that while things will always, unfortunately, be this way, I'm getting a fuckload better at handling it.
  11. Coming to the conclusion that you're pathetic. I see right through you.
  12. Doing about a months worth of homework in almost a night. It should all be done tomorrow night.
  13. Magnum Ego.
  14. The way I feel more at home at my boyfriend's house, with his family, than I do my own.
  15. I'm starting to write in a diary again. It feels good.
  16. I forgot how much I love John Mayer's music until today.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Parklife 2011;












Just a few to caption what went on and the people I say. Best day. Best.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Gee [baby baby];

I may be a little obsessed with this song. I wonder if I can make it my ring tone. Going too far ? Nonsense !

.;

Once upon a time, I would have fought until my dying breath to keep you apart of my life. But "once upon a time" isn't now, and now things are different. The way I look at this is different, and you only have yourself to blame for it. You told me not to worry, that you'd be okay without my help, so now I don't care. Just like you asked.

I'm not going to try and convince you to stay apart of my life. I'm not. I believe that it's your choice, completely. I shouldn't have to tell you why it'd be good to stay; you should already know. You might think I'm giving up, but that's not it at all. I'm going to do the one thing I knew I'd have to eventually do, the one thing I'm most terrified of - I'm going to put all my trust in you. Trust that you'll know staying is good for you, that staying will make you happy, that I'll make you happy. Trust in everything you've said up until this point. Trust that none of this was pretend, that none of this were lies, that you've been 100% honest with me 100% of the time.

Why ?

Because that's what best friends do, right ? Best friends have this unique ability to read each others' minds, but with you it's different. It's like, no matter how hard I try, I can never get past what's right in front of me. You never let me see past your defense. You still keep me on the outside.
And now, I'm trusting you to let me in. It's up to you.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Get paid, end up broke;


I went shopping and picked up these new precious babies. Inglot lipstick #144 and Inglot lip liner #26. $50 later and I’m superbly happy with my purchases.

Might have helped that the sale girls complimented me on my eyebrows. I liked that someone finally appreciated all the effort I go through to make them perfect. FYI girls - fuller eyebrows make you look younger !