they say you don't know what you got 'til it's gone / / they say that your darkest hour comes before your dawn

Friday, October 14, 2011

Day Old Hate;

I need to get this shit out of my head. I'm never going to sleep with it there. These thoughts, they're trying their damn hardest to escape, and I'm getting too tired to fight them off. I need to stop holding back. I need to be free.

I don't know where this is going. Right now, everything that's happening is new to me. I don't have a single fucking clue as to what I'm doing, or what I want anymore. I'm so lost. You'd think this was a bad thing, but if you really understood how I'm feeling, I think you'd change your mind. I'm terribly afraid that I'm beginning to want more than what people can give me. I'm turning into that demanding person you hate so much, who I hate so much. I'm so fucking scared I'm going to get in way over my head and feel like I'm drowning in you. And the saddest part of it all is that I'm even more frightful of finding out you could give me everything I ever wanted, when it's all been and done. Mostly, I'm scared that I'm going to start seeing you in places where no one else has ever been before. I'm scared that if I do, and you go away one day, that I'll be destroyed in an instant. No one's ever had that kind of power over me, and you don't even realise it.

Fuck you. Just, fuck you. Seriously. You cause so much more trouble than you're worth, and you know it. You know you're being a fucking pain in the ass, but you don't give a shit. You don't give a fucking shit about anyone else, at all. All you care about is how this affects you, how you're feeling, how you're so fucking alone when everyone else has someone. You're fucking sad and pathetic. You can play nice and all that bullshit, but no one believes you. You've got your friends fooled, but that's it. How the fuck do you sleep at night knowing what bullshit stunts you pull ? How the fuck do you wake up and smile at your reflection in the mirror ? How the fuck does the guilty of your filthy actions not consume you whole ? Go and cry about how everyone suddenly has no time for you. How people are being mean and pushing you away. Cry me a fucking river, bitch. I couldn't give a fuck less about how you feel. It's no one's problem but your own. Stop trying to put yourself back in a place that's no longer yours. It never will be again.

I'm so fucking sick of your shit. The only time you talk to me is when I have information you want. You don't care about a single thing going on in my life. Stop pretending like you do. I'm done trying to play "house." This hasn't been working for so many months and you know it. You know it's been on the decline for a long time, but you're so wrapped up in your own selfish life that you don't give a fuck. It's such a disappointment to me. You're such a disappointment. When I'm gone, you're going to miss me. You will. But I won't miss you, I won't. I'll be free from your double standard bullshit. I won't have to deal with you butting your nose in places it doesn't belong. I won't have to put up with you secretly being nice to me. I won't have to deal with anything that comes with having to see you on an almost daily basis.

Yeah, you're right - I'm fucking afraid you're going to take this from me. I have every fucking right to feel that way, and not to trust you. What the fuck have you done to prove me otherwise ? Nothing. You've done absolutely nothing to change my opinion of you. You think that by saying hello to my face that I'll suddenly think you're a lovely person ? Bullshit. You condescending little fuck. I don't care how much of a better person you are now. I don't care about the valuable life lessons you've learnt on your way to fucking up your life. I don't give a fucking shit about how you've changed for the better. Until you actually back the fuck off and leave everything the way it is now, I won't think any more of you. You're the lowest of the lows.

I know exactly what you're doing. You'd be stupid to think I didn't see this coming. I've been waiting a very long time for this to happen. I know it'd only be a matter of time before you'd play this card, and how fucking right I was. You're just as predictable as I've always thought. Years later, you haven't changed at all. You're going to play nice, you're going to try and win your way back in the good books, not just with them and everyone else, but me too, and you're going to leave once again, because that's your fucking style. And when you do leave, because we all know you will, you'll be wishing that everyone will miss you enough to chase you. You hope that by that point in time, people will have welcomed you back into their hearts with arms wide open, and you'll try to use that to your advantage. You'll make people think that they're fucking unhappy with their lives because you're not apart of it again. It won't fucking work. Go ahead and try it. No, really, do. I'd like to see how this will pan out, because we both know it won't be in your favour.

I hate the fact that you don't like me purely because you're doing the "good best friend" thing instead of being a good person in general. You're taking sides in this when you don't even have a clue what you're siding against. You don't know the first thing about me, only what terrible things people have spun about me. You know they're all lies, yet you still believe them because, hey, that's what best friends do. You're going to go against me because you don't know me. Because I'm not exactly like you're best friend. Because I'm fucking better at being who people need me to be than your best friend ever was. And it terrifies you to think that we could actually be friends, because that would feel like betraying your best friend. Not because that's how you actually feel, because everyone knows you're not a spiteful person, but because your best friend is, and they would never forgive you for being kind to me. You can't even be the really kind person you are naturally because you're too concerned about what others think, instead of what you think of yourself. It's such a fucking shame because I've heard nothing but good things about you, sweet things, lovely things. Honest and real things about you that make me want to know who you really are. You're not even willing to give me a chance. You'd rather save yourself the risk, and that's pathetic.

I think I've said all I can for one night. My sleeping pill is starting to make me feel drowsy, and I really should ride that into sleep. All in all, there are a fuck load of motherfuckers that piss me off, myself included. My best friends, my boyfriend, and my brother are the only good people I have. Everyone else has fucked it up. Fucked it up good and proper.

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