they say you don't know what you got 'til it's gone / / they say that your darkest hour comes before your dawn

Monday, November 14, 2011

Heart full of wine;

I've been staring at that blinking character cursor all night. I write something, read it over, highlight it and delete it. Nothing I write tonight satisfies me whatsoever. I guess I'm just going to have to share what's bothering me right now. And by bothering me, I just mean that I don't understand it. It doesn't make me angry or hurt me or the likes, but I'd like to understand the situation a little better. Ugh, I know that if I post this, I'm going to want to take it down tomorrow after I wake up and read what a disastrous entry this is.

Okay, so straight up, this is what's bothering me - Michael did a survey quiz thingy on his tumblr and one of the questions asked if he knew of people who were mad because of the person he's dating, and being honest like he is, he said yes.

I'm not bothered that he's honest about it, because that's what I want from him; honesty. What bothers me is that "yes" was the answer. Yes, he has people in his life that are mad because he's with me. And that bothers me. It's doesn't hurt me or upset me, it just confuses me. I make Michael happy, I know that, and yet people are mad at him for that. Or mad at me. Whichever the case, someone's still irrationally mad for something positive. Michael loves me and is happy with me. Why does that make others mad ? I don't get it.

It's not like I did anything hurtful towards any of them. I know there's a lot of bullshit flying around about the details of how Michael ended up with me instead of his ex, but I assure you; it was all his choice. I didn't force him to be with me, I didn't steal him from his ex, and I am most certainly not the kind of girlfriend that forbids him to see his friends that I haven't met. From the very beginning, Michael's always had a choice. I always made it crystal clear that if he wanted to be with someone else, all he had to do was say so and I would let him leave. He knows that, even now.

The thing that bothers me the most is that I know who he was thinking of when he answered "yes." It bothers me because it's been 2 and 1/2 years since he made his choice, and still she can't deal with it. Still, she's trying to defend her side of the story, like it matters anymore. Which is really stupid because if her side of the story doesn't matter anymore, then this shouldn't bother me, but it does so shut your mouth. And see, the thing is is that she has no idea who I am, what kind of person I'm like, or anything personal about me. As far as I'm concerned, all of her opinion of me is based on what she's lurked on Facebook. And believe me, I know she's lurked plenty.

And what makes matters worse for me, is that I know she's going around telling her friends, mutual friends of Michael's, that I'm a bad person because of all these imaginary hurtful things I've done. I know she is, Michael even said so. I don't think he realised what he actually said when he said it, but it's stuck in my head and I'll never forget it. Michael's female best friend is someone I'd like to meet, eventually, because I've heard such lovely things about her and she's an important part of his life. I've come to the conclusion, that because she's also his ex's best friend, I'll probably never get to meet her. And even if I did, I don't think she'd like me all that much because of all the horrible things she's heard about me.
Michael's words were, "No, she wants to meet you, even after all the bad things [insert ex's name here] has said about you."
That's great to know, really. I love hearing how people talk shit about me behind my back. I love it even more when they pretend to be nice to my face the first time we exchange words face to face. It's fucking fantastic. She even defended herself and said to Michael that she was being "nice" upon our first exchange of introductions. I'm sorry, but nice people aren't two-faced.

I just don't get it. It's been 2 and 1/2 years. Isn't that enough time to get over it ? I'm not angry about all the shit that happened at the beginning anymore. I'm not angry about the countless times she tried to win him back from me anymore. I'm not angry about how she calls him her best friend, when Michael talks rather unpleasantly about her to all of our friends anymore [I was angry in the beginning because Michael was being two-faced, and I hate two-faced people.] I don't care about how she's apart of Michael's life, in whatever way she is. But that still doesn't mean I'm okay with the fact that she hates me for something I didn't do, bitches about me behind my back to all of Michael's friends, and still holds a grudge against me.

I get the whole "first true love" thing. I do, even though I've never had to apply it to myself. But for goodness sake, it's over for you two. As long as Michael has me, he doesn't want anyone else. I make him the happiest, and shouldn't that make other people happy, too ? Shouldn't they be happy that Michael's happy, regardless of who he's with ? You can't say things like, "I just want you to be happy, no matter what," and then take it back because the person he's now with makes him so happy that he wouldn't even consider going back to you again. Either you want him to be happy, or you don't.

I make Michael happy, and as long as I keep doing so, things aren't going to change. People should be happy about it, not mad. And anyone who's mad about me being with Michael is not someone I want to meet anyway. I can do without the fake persona, thank you very much.

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