they say you don't know what you got 'til it's gone / / they say that your darkest hour comes before your dawn

Thursday, December 29, 2011


Someone spilt a beer all over my iPhone tonight. Half the sounds don’t work now. I’m going to try the rice trick and see if it works. If not, looks like I’ll be checking my warranty and getting a replacement. Gah !

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Tru luv <3xoxoxo;

Who said romance is dead ?

Drunken antics;

26th December 2011 was a great night ! I got a little bit more intoxicated than I was planning due to an empty stomach and mixing cider with vodka inside my tumtum. I wore my black platform wedges, which meant I was a great deal taller than usual. It also knocked me off my balance when walking down stairs and pretty much kissed the pavement when I left. Although, the rounded toes on them made it much easier to twirl around in circles. They are incredibly comfortable.
Callum's face in that photo is priceless. I must remember to buy him a drink next time, to repay him for the one he bought me, of course (:

Those drinks also meant I left with a bruise roughly the length of my finger from walking into an object I don't remember. Nevertheless, I hope to do it again some time soon.

Jerky McJerk Face;

I don't care if you wear an inch thick layer of make up or none at all. If it makes you happy and comfortable with who you are, then that's all that matters. Christ, why is everyone so hell bent on calling girls who wear make up "superficial" ?! Jerky jerk faces.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Oh my goodness;

Our fish are trying to escape from their tank. Michael's fish has had repeated success in jumping out of the water. I've put glad wrap over the top and a jar on top to ensure they don't get out. If they do, Ichigo will eat them.

It's really no surprise though. When we were at the store, this fish was swimming into the pump trying to get out. Pretty much exactly like Nemo. What the fuuuuuck ?!

Michael and I bought fish together today;

I know I speak of him often, and I'm sure it drives you bloody mental, but when there's something so fabulous in your life that it makes you happier than you thought possible, well, it's hard not to always have it on your mind. I'm in the most adult, trusting, honest, sexually satisfying, and in all sense of the word, loving relationship. And it feels so good. When I was 17, coming home was pleasing because I hid away in my room and listened to music loud enough to drown out my thoughts. Now I come home excited to walk through the front door because I know he'll be sitting on the couch, Ichigo by his side, playing xbox/Nintendo, and he'll look up and smile at me. The world could come crumbling down around me and I don't think I'd notice. I don't think I'd worry either. I have him with me right now, when I need him the most and that's utterly satisfying.

Moving into together squashed any insecurities I had left over. We spoke of his past behaviour when we first started dating, and I think both of us were glad that he said he'd never become that person again. Well, at least not with me. When you start dating someone, you automatically hand over trust without really considering it. When you're in a relationship that has had troubles that make you question that trust, it's earned back with a lot of grovelling and giving in to compromises that don't actually let you win in any way at all. Trust that's earned back is far stronger than trust automatically handed over. For me, anyway. I don't fret, ever. I don't have to, because he's honest with me, because I trust him enough to not query who he's talking to or whatever. I'm not afraid of anything anymore.

Well, no. That's a bit of a lie. I'm afraid of losing him. That's apart of loving someone though, so it's only natural that I become a little shaken with the thought of not having him by my side. Actually, at this point in time, I can't see myself without him. For the short term; let's not get carried away. And by short term, I mean for the next year or so. I met one of his old friends the other night; last night in fact. When I told him that Michael and I will be together for 3 years in May, his reaction was surprising. He was astounded. He couldn't believe that such a long time had passed since the two had last seen each other. I never realised how long 3 years actually is. For me, not a lot has changed. Nothing dramatic, just the small stuff, but from the outside you'd notice it. I never really gave it much thought, you know ? 

In reality, a lot has changed. I'm sitting on the couch in my own living room, with my very first personal loan purchased car in the drive way, surrounded by everything that Michael and I own together, with the conscious knowledge that I'll be going to work tomorrow where I know I've got a secure position for as long as I want, or until I screw up badly enough to be fired (which won't be happening because I want to keep my career going for the rest of my life.) I've done a lot of growing up in the past few months, which honestly could have never been achieved so gracefully if it wasn't for Michael. If it wasn't for Michael, I'd still be stuck in a dead end job, with a relationship that wasn't going anywhere remotely close to where I wanted it to go, living at home with my mother terrified of moving out on my own, and driving a car two years older than myself.

I'm a better person now. I have Michael to thank for his support and for pushing me to go after what I want. He brings out the best in me.

By the way, let me introduce to you to Tilly, the spotted Fantail, and Bruce, the orange Comet. They're a lovely addition to our family.

Monday, December 26, 2011

The Nicest Thing;

Waiting for Belinda to pick me up. Can't wait to get my groove on with the girls, especially Kelly since I haven't seen her in months ! I've teed off my leggings with a white over sized t-shirt since I'm sick of wearing black with them. I don't give a shit if other people think I dress weirdly; I like what I'm wearing, and that's what matters.

Tonight's going to be great. Closure in Moscow with my friends while Michael is working. I wish he could be there but alas, we have bills to pay.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Christmas Eve;

The perks of waking up at 5:15am every morning I have work. I always get to watch the sunrise (:

Thursday, December 22, 2011

People often ask me why I modify my body;

I'll tell you why I do it. I see human beings as blank white walls. Everyone starts off with a clean wall, and throughout life, it's their decision to make that wall into what they want. Some people want to keep that wall as white as the first day they saw it. Some people don't mind if it gets scuffed, scratched or marked. And then there are people like me, who see that blank white wall as more. We see it as a canvas. We paint it, draw on it, stick photos and posters all over it, we scratch it, tear at it, do whatever feels like the most fun at the time. We do this because when we're about to close our eyes for the last time, we can see our whole life on that wall. We can see the scars, the piercings, the tattoos, the meanings behind every photo and poster we've stuck on that wall. And it's not just for us to see; it's on display for others.

My modifications tell a story about my life. That's why.

Equivalent Exchange;

So while Michael and I were out doing some shopping, he did as he usually does and sent me off in the opposite direction so he could buy me another surprise. He said it was so awesome it'd make me want to marry him.

I was not at all expecting this. Fullmetal Alchemist is my all time favourite anime [Elfin Lied comes in at #1.5] and now, thanks to my wonderful and amazing boyfriend, I have the complete series, both movies, a book on Alchemy and what makes up the world they live in, and the amazing case. If you've ever wondered where my chest tattoo comes from, it's this. Her name is Lust, and she's my favourite character.

Oh so happy.

Seeing Armstrong on the cover makes me giggle. What a character, that fellow.


Tonight I sat on my Ab Swing during a full episode of Nip/Tuck. I love that I can work out while watching tv in the comfort of my lounge room. Here's to getting fit and toning up !

It's about time I did some serious work on improving my whole image. I'm feeling great about life.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Listen here, you little fucker;

If your ass ever touches the soil on which Adelaide is built upon, I swear to fucking hell and back that I'll tear you a new asshole. Don't you dare try and tell me what the fuck '"family" means. Family means putting the needs of others before your own. It means making all the goddamn sacrifices necessary for their happiness. It means compromising and learning to take a loss sometimes. It means being there for each other, supporting each other, and above all, it means loving without boundaries. You might not like some of the decisions your family makes, but you fucking deal with them and make it work.

For you to go ahead and put your own needs before those you love shows how incredibly fucking selfish you are. Nothing matters more to you than what you want. Fuck everyone else. Fuck all the sacrifices they've made to make you happy. Fuck being thankful for the life your family has given you, the chance after chance each time you've fucked up. Fuck all of that because you can't get what you want.

You little son of a bitch. If you come within arms reach of me, you better hope I don't get my hands around that spineless neck of yours.

My lolita shoes were posted today;

"I think it will take 25 days."


Hmph. I hate playing the waiting game for packages to arrive. On the plus side, I'll have forgotten they're coming by the time they actually get to my front door.

But still. I want them nowwwwww );


Another one of my high school friends is now engaged.

What am I doing with my life, you ask ?
Still playing Nintendo and watching tv shows on my laptop with my cat and boyfriend.

Who's got two thumbs and enjoys their life more than life itself ?

Wait, is that even possible - enjoys their life more than life itself - Nope. I'm making shit up. IDGAF.

Today is going to be a good day;

You know how you wake up some mornings and have a good feeling about the rest of the day ? Welcome to my current feeling. Something tells me it's going to be one those days where everything falls together nicely (:

Christmas on Sunday ! I'm really excited. It'll be the first Christmas Michael and I get to celebrate in our own home. I can't wait to see his face when he opens his presents. He's going to like them very much.
I have to work Christmas Eve and day for the first time as well. I'll be late to my family lunch but I don't mind. Helping my residents so they can be with their families is a pretty awesome reward for the day. Plus, triple rate because not only is it a public holiday, it's also a Sunday. A little Christmas bonus for me (:

Oh goodness, I feel really good about everything. The time leading up to moving out, and shortly after, was stressful. I broke down, isolated myself for a bit, and felt like I had made a very stressful decision that resulted in more stress. Weeks later and I'm okay. I'm nowhere near as stressed or anxious as I usually would be, and I have Michael and my family's constant support to thank. I'm so lucky to have such amazing people in my life. Yeah.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Can't sleep and don't wanna work tomorrow morning;

Went and saw Jay Hoad Band tonight. I don't know whether I like him more as a band or as a solo artist. Either way, tonight was enjoyable. I had to leave early because of work so I left Michael waiting for Ryan on his own. I doubt they would have played my favourite song anyway since it's more acoustic than full band.
I really should get some sleep. It's 10:56pm and I was meant to be asleep half an hour ago. I'm sleeping without the pills now. I feel good about it. So much has changed for the better the last couple of months. Calls for another entry another sleepless night.

I'm really happy with life. Really happy.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Let me make this very clear;

I do the things I do and I say the things I say because I'm my own person. I will, under no circumstances, apologise for having a well voiced opinion or for doing what makes me happiest. If it upsets you, then that's your problem. I'll be fine, living my life as happy and free as can be. I don't need to consider the opinions of people I do not care about. You're invalid.

Thursday, December 15, 2011


Change is necessary for growth. You cannot become a better person, live a better life, or any of that shit if you don't change. Sometimes it's for the best, sometimes it's not, but it's all trial and error until you work out what works. People who think that by changing their location, their environment, their friendships, the dynamics of their every day life that they'll change really piss me off. That never works. Never. The only way any of those pointless attempts at bettering yourself actually work is if you change within. You need to change the way you see your location, your environment, your friendships and they dynamics of your every day life. YOU need to change before the things around you change.

It's hard, really fucking hard, to change who you are. All your life, this is the person you've always known, and if anyone knows you best, it's yourself. That's where your greatest strength for change is found. Inside yourself. You know what needs fixing, you know how to fix it, and you're the only who can. No one else around you can make the changes in your life effective except for yourself. After all, it's your life that you're living. You're the one who wakes up and faces the decisions you'll need to make for that day. You are responsible for what happened, what is currently happening and what may happen.

I know of a few people who run from their lives. They run away to new places in hopes that if they change the scenery, they'll change the problem, but that's not how it works. They've never thought for a moment that maybe, just maybe, the change that needs to happen is within themselves. Sure, life can be a motherfucker at the worst of times, but the only person who can let life beat you down to a miserable pulp is yourself. Change your attitude to the way things happen in your life and you'll see a change. You'll be happier, you'll smile, you'll feel like you can breathe, that the heavy weight on your shoulders suddenly has a billion helium balloons attached to it, easing the load but not removing it totally. Life could be a shitfuck load worse than what you currently have to deal with, so lighten up and make a change for the better.

Humans have a godridden awful habit of envying those who have better lives than themselves. It's not jealousy, because that would mean you think you deserve it more than they do; it's envy, because you want what they have. You want to be that confident and sexy person you secretly admire. You want to be that suave and well respected person you secretly idolise. You want to be that athletic and physically fit person you secretly use to fuel your determination. Stop watching them from the sidelines and fucking join them. Be confident and sexy, be suave and well respected, be athletic and physically fit; be all that you want to be so long as you're willing to change and work for it.

Change yourself and the world around you will change with you. Stay who you are and the world will stand frozen, unable to grow. You'll be stuck, dealing with the same shit problems you've always had, feeling the same shit way you always have, wishing you could live a better and happier life if only you had the strength to do it. You will always be a coward and weak in my eyes. The strongest people I know are those who survived change and made the goddamn best of it. It's up to you on what kind of life you lead.

Sunday, December 11, 2011


My jeans finally fit me perfectly ! They were too big when I bought them back in 06. Clearly my ba-donk-adonk has become bigger.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

I think my cat has OCD;

Every day, without a doubt, he spends too much time licking his coat clean. Whenever someone puts their hand near him, he licks their skin before he lefts you touch him. At first, I thought he had fleas so I treated him for that. Turns out he's got a fuckload of pride and likes to be clean.

Today, I'm not even kidding, he's been licking his coat for like half an hour. Every single inch of his coat.

Friday, December 9, 2011


On a daily basis, I deal with caring for people who have reached the final stages of their life. I say "stages" because entering an aged care facility does not mean the end of your life, nor does it mean you're dying. It just means that you need someone there to look after you 24/7 for whatever reason that may be, and you can't get that at home with your family. Sometimes the needs of a person exceed the capabilities of the carer. It's an emotionally draining job and I can only imagine it would be multiplied when looking after a loved one. And let me clear up a common misconception - not all elderly people require care, not all of them get Dementia, not all of them lose the ability to control their bodily functions. Just some of them.

The final stage of life is called Palliative Care. Basically, it's when your body shuts down on you and starts to slowly die. You don't eat or drink, you don't speak or move, you lay in a bed, crawled up in foetal position, your body becomes stiff, you lose weight faster than ever imaginable, and your mind leaves you. The last two senses to fade out in the human body are touch/pain and hearing. Sight, taste and smell are lost early. To compensate for the incredible pain you're in, you're usually put on strong as fuck pain killers. Watching a person I care for at work slowly slip away is difficult at the best of times.

Today was an experience I'm not likely to forget. My grandma has been battling cancer for the last couple of years. She had breast cancer and survived, but it spread to her liver and this time she's not so lucky. It's taken over 70% of her liver and she's undergoing chemotherapy and other experimental drugs in hopes to erase it. I've been well aware that she's dying at a rate much quicker than she should be, but today was the first time I really took it in. It's one thing to hear my mother tell me about it; it's another thing to witness my grandma hold back her tears while she has a blood test via a port in her chest. For the first time she's been battling cancer, I saw her real pain.

And it fucking killed me.

I had to walk away and cry to myself out of her sight. My mother acted as a shield between us, but my grandma obviously knew. When I'm at work, I shut it out. I remember that it's not my personal business and I'm there to do my job. I still care, but it's well within my means and under control. I'm yet to form a real bond with a resident to the point I'd cry if they were to pass away. But when it's your own family, it really fucks you up. I felt sick in the core of my stomach, and as much as I wanted to control my tears, I couldn't. Suddenly the reasons why I've been so angry came to me.

I'm angry because of her cancer. I'm angry because she talks as if she's not going to make it. I'm angry because she's afraid. I'm angry because, well, I don't want to lose her. But mostly, I'm angry at myself for not taking this whole fucked up situation as seriously as I should have. I'm angry at myself for not ever making the time to call her or see her. I'm angry at myself for brushing off her attempts to spend time with me while she's still got it. I'm angry at myself for treating this as if it were work. I'm angry at myself for not caring enough, not being there often enough, not loving her as much as she deserves. I'm so fucking angry at myself for not being a good enough person for her. She needs all the support she can get, and I was too busy with my own life to see how painful hers truly is.

As of today, I'm going to be the best goddamn granddaughter she's ever going to need. I'm going to see her more, and when I can't, I'm going to call her more. I'm going to ask how she's feeling and how her treatments are going. I'm going to take her to the hospital and help out so my mother, who's caring for her full time, can have a break. She goes to hospital every Monday, which is lucky for me since that's the only constant day off I have over my roster at work. Mondays are now days I will call/see her.

This coming Monday she's having a blood transfusion because her haemoglobin is too low. It'll take 6 hours. I bought myself a car today. I have no excuses left to run. Monday afternoon, when she gets out, I want to be there to take her home. It's the least I can do to begin making up for all the times I haven't been there.

They say you never really know what you've got until you lose it. That's not true. I know exactly how fucking lucky I am to have such a strong, brave and beautiful woman in my life. I'm not going to take that for granted. She means more to me than her weight in gold. The day she passes away... I don't know what I'll do.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Cut the skin to the bone;

I was sleeping. My eyes were dark til you woke me, and told me that opening is just the start. It was...
Now I see you, til kingdom come. You're the one I want to see me, for all the stupid shit I've done.

I was going to write about something that's been on my mind for the past couple of weeks, but I won't just yet. Instead, I'm going to write the start to my novel. I've spent so long trying to figure out the right way to start it, and then it hit me yesterday. I'm home alone so I might as well take the opportunity to be left alone with my thoughts. I'm not going to write it out on my typewriter until I get some new ribbon. The condition of my current is poor.

The last time I had a cigarette, the last real time I had one, I was 14. I've had a few in the past 4 years but I've been beyond drunk and never remembered until someone shamed me about it. I promised my mother I wouldn't have another when she caught me. Lately I've never had a bigger urge to start up again. I know it's toxic for my health, it'll stain my teeth, I'll have terrible breath, my lungs will fill with tar, and I'm likely to get cancer of some sort, but I really couldn't care less at this point. I know myself, it won't become a habit; only for when I need to write. I need to fill myself with something toxic before I can purge what's good on the inside. I'm really not in the mood to let my depression take over, even if it's for the sake of writing, like I used to. Things are going swimmingly, and I'd like to keep it that way.

Family hangs;

We're a bit cute.

I love eBay;

In 2 weeks, I'll have these in my possession :3

Wednesday, December 7, 2011


Me: I'm going to write this motherfucking awesome introduction to the novel I'll be spending the next possible six years writing. It's finally come to me. Must get it down.

Word: Okie dokie, type away.

Me: Oh, new stuff on my tumblr dashboard. I have to check it. Have to.

Word: I'll just chill out here, while you've left me unsaved. That's cool.

Me: Right, let's get back to writing.

Word: Nah, I'm going to crash on you instead.

Me: lkfhalghaelyrlWIRHFLASGHLFSJHFA;KJDFfhdsjlghsdlgh

Word: I can recover your lost work. Do you want to use recovered file ?


Word: LULZ JK I only recovered a blank page because you forgot to save before I unexpectedly crashed on you. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Body confidence;

Someone on a previous post asked to see my bikini, and now you also have my incredibly unfit body on display. I am not as stick thin as people think, and I hate it when people insinuate that I’m anorexic or something. Clearly I eat all the time. Last time I checked, I was 157cm and 52kg.
I plan on working out for at least 30 minutes a day to get my dancers body back. It’s not a bid to get skinnier or anything like that. I used to be able to dance for hours on end, but these days I’m lucky to last 15 minutes. I want to work out to get fit and health. That’s it.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Early Christmas presents rule !;

Michael spoils me way too much. Shitfuck. I cannot contain my happiness right now.

Friday, December 2, 2011

Whoops !;

Accidentally punched Michael in the balls while he was tickling me. That’ll teach him.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Playing my Nintendo DSiXL;

For the first time in months. Michael's buying me a 3DS for Christmas so I might as well get some practice in. You can tell it's been a long time since you last played when your hand cramps up way too soon.

Mortal Kombat, you will be the death of me. Stupid female characters can burn in hell. Except Kitana, she can stay.