they say you don't know what you got 'til it's gone / / they say that your darkest hour comes before your dawn

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Michael and I bought fish together today;

I know I speak of him often, and I'm sure it drives you bloody mental, but when there's something so fabulous in your life that it makes you happier than you thought possible, well, it's hard not to always have it on your mind. I'm in the most adult, trusting, honest, sexually satisfying, and in all sense of the word, loving relationship. And it feels so good. When I was 17, coming home was pleasing because I hid away in my room and listened to music loud enough to drown out my thoughts. Now I come home excited to walk through the front door because I know he'll be sitting on the couch, Ichigo by his side, playing xbox/Nintendo, and he'll look up and smile at me. The world could come crumbling down around me and I don't think I'd notice. I don't think I'd worry either. I have him with me right now, when I need him the most and that's utterly satisfying.

Moving into together squashed any insecurities I had left over. We spoke of his past behaviour when we first started dating, and I think both of us were glad that he said he'd never become that person again. Well, at least not with me. When you start dating someone, you automatically hand over trust without really considering it. When you're in a relationship that has had troubles that make you question that trust, it's earned back with a lot of grovelling and giving in to compromises that don't actually let you win in any way at all. Trust that's earned back is far stronger than trust automatically handed over. For me, anyway. I don't fret, ever. I don't have to, because he's honest with me, because I trust him enough to not query who he's talking to or whatever. I'm not afraid of anything anymore.

Well, no. That's a bit of a lie. I'm afraid of losing him. That's apart of loving someone though, so it's only natural that I become a little shaken with the thought of not having him by my side. Actually, at this point in time, I can't see myself without him. For the short term; let's not get carried away. And by short term, I mean for the next year or so. I met one of his old friends the other night; last night in fact. When I told him that Michael and I will be together for 3 years in May, his reaction was surprising. He was astounded. He couldn't believe that such a long time had passed since the two had last seen each other. I never realised how long 3 years actually is. For me, not a lot has changed. Nothing dramatic, just the small stuff, but from the outside you'd notice it. I never really gave it much thought, you know ? 

In reality, a lot has changed. I'm sitting on the couch in my own living room, with my very first personal loan purchased car in the drive way, surrounded by everything that Michael and I own together, with the conscious knowledge that I'll be going to work tomorrow where I know I've got a secure position for as long as I want, or until I screw up badly enough to be fired (which won't be happening because I want to keep my career going for the rest of my life.) I've done a lot of growing up in the past few months, which honestly could have never been achieved so gracefully if it wasn't for Michael. If it wasn't for Michael, I'd still be stuck in a dead end job, with a relationship that wasn't going anywhere remotely close to where I wanted it to go, living at home with my mother terrified of moving out on my own, and driving a car two years older than myself.

I'm a better person now. I have Michael to thank for his support and for pushing me to go after what I want. He brings out the best in me.

By the way, let me introduce to you to Tilly, the spotted Fantail, and Bruce, the orange Comet. They're a lovely addition to our family.

No comments:

Post a Comment