they say you don't know what you got 'til it's gone / / they say that your darkest hour comes before your dawn

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

1 hour of zumba, every day, for 12 weeks;

That's the challenge I've set for myself. I can do that. Totally.

Day 1: completed.

I better be one fit and slim bitch by the time it's over or I'm going to zumba someone's ass.

Monday, January 30, 2012

Cuddles with my handsome (: he cooked me dinner even though he’s the sick one.

Because people always ask to see it;

Tongue frenulum. I've had it for like 5 years, and it's the most pointless piercing ever. I play with it from time to time, it's a pain in the fucking ass to clean off [no, you cannot brush it clean with your tooth brush], and it provides no sexual pleasure. I got it done because I could. Why not ?
There's also a bubble on the underside of my tongue. Cool.

Q&A;

The meaning behind my URL: It’s one of my favourite nursery rhymes/children’s song, and I like nautical things like sailors, pirates and boats.

Weakness: Generally speaking, romance, cliché pick up lines and lame jokes, surprise gifts that they only purchased because it reminded them of me. Shit like that.

Bestfriend(s): Michael, Celeste, Ryan, Larry, Bradley, Kelly, Rachel, Hannah. I have a lot of really close people to me, but these are the main ones I can tell anything to.

Last time I cried and why: I threw up water and bile straight after getting out the taxi on Saturday night. It was the most viscous vomit in a long time, and my stomach paid for days.

Piercings I have: Ear lobes stretched to 10mm, right tragus, right nose, belly button, and tongue frenulum. All which range from 2 years old to 5 years old.

Favorite Band: Angus & Julia Stone, and Underoath.

Biggest turn off(s): Liars, cheaters, untrustworthy people, people who always blame others for their mistakes, people who don’t generally put any effort into looking decent on a daily basis, those who overindulge in drugs/alcohol/casual sex.

Fact about my sex life: Despite some crazy ass reputation that I’ve slept with a lot of guys, it’s actually wrong. I’ve had sex, a fuck load of times, but only with the same guy. I’ve slept with 5 guys in total, and none of those were one night stands. I was either dating them, or still remain friends with them.

Tattoos I want: I have this thing about tattoos, where I don’t actually tell anyone what I’m getting, I just show up with a new one and surprise everyone.

Biggest turn on(s): Anything to do with stroking/scratching/kissing/licking/biting the following general areas: lips; neck; hips; back; thighs.

Age: Twenty three.

Ideas of a perfect date: I prefer something of common interests, with loads of opportunities for conversation starters, something you don’t do on a daily basis, and something that always supplies laughter, and with someone who doesn’t mind being a fool in public like I am.

Life goal(s): Become a highly respected nurse at my facility, specialising in either Dementia or Wounds; buy a house; get married and have kids; own a Pug; travel to Fiji, Russia, Japan, Canada and England. Not in that order, but you know what I mean.

Piercings I want: I’ve decided that the next piercings I get will be three anti-helix piercings.

Relationship status: In love and fully committed relationship of 3 years in May.

Favorite movie: I have loads, but off the top of my head: The Shawshank Redemption; The Adventures of Milo and Otis; Howl’s Moving Castle; Hook; Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl; Edward Scissorhands; Beetlejuice; White Chicks.

A fact about my life: The last time I ever spoke to my father was on my 10th birthday, when I told him I never wanted to see him again. The day he passes away will not be a sad one for me.

Phobia: I hatehatehate fabric in or near my mouth, it makes me want to vomit. I don’t like it when people splash water near me, or trying to dunk me underwater. Being abandoned. Deep water combined with heights. Putting my face under running water in the shower, I feel like I can’t breathe.

Full name: Legally it’s Bianca Rosa Albanese, but I’m in the slow ass process of getting off my butt and legally changing it to Bianca Rose Addams. Everyone just goes with the name I plan to change to.

Tattoos I have: An Ouroboros in full red, dead centre of my upper chest, taken from the anime series Fullmetal Alchemist; “No fate but what we create” in black script on my left hip; “Avada Kedvara” in black script on my inner wrists; “Happiness is the meaning and purpose of life, the whole aim and end of human existence” on my inner top right arm.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Cannot believe

Bradley just told me that on NYE I said my 2012 resolution was that I'd "probably start smoking." HAHAHAHAHAHA !

I haven't had a sober cigarette in like 4 years. Except for the two I had last week but shoosh ;D

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

(: (: (:


One of my favourite photos of Michael and I together. You can’t really see it, but the smile I have on my face is one of the happiest smiles.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Today consisted of;

  1. Sleeping in late.
  2. Not getting out of bed for hours.
  3. Zopper Doppers for breakfast.
  4. Laying on the couch with my cat.
  5. Watching Cardcaptors.
  6. Tumblr/Facebook.
  7. Reminiscing about my amazing dream that won't get out of my head no matter how hard I try to think about other things.
  8. Phone call to my wonderful boyfriend.
  9. Not doing a single minute of my workout.
No wonder why I've put on a few kilos. Fuck.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Received one hell of a compliment yesterday;

I only just remembered it now.
You are so fantastic and great to work with. I actually went downstairs and told our CNM (Clinical Nurse Manager, who manages all the staff) that they need to keep you. 
CAN I GET A HELL YES ! Not that it matters now since I passed my probation period, but it's good to hear that people actually appreciate and enjoy working with me. I love knowing that I do a great job, because it's not just a job for me - it's my career.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Ohdear;

Vomit spray that dried on my wallet after I threw up in the taxi.

Engagement party and Schutzenfest;


Preeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeetty much sums up last night for me. Michael and I started our night at his cousin's engagement party, where his mum kept giving me glasses of red wine. She then proceeded to tell me, once again, how she believes Michael and I should get married and have babies real soon. The slideshow of photos of Michael's cousin and her new fiancée sparked her up. Michael and I then decided to catch a taxi to Schutzenfest, which was roughly a 15minute taxi ride or so. That's when things got messy on my side.

I clearly remember saying, "I don't feel so good," which actually should have been the following words - "I think I'm going to vomit, pull over now." - but weren't. Poor choice of words on my behalf, which lead to involuntary vomit in my hands as I attempted to cover it up or whatever I was trying to do. It didn't work, landed all over the floor, my shoes, part of my bag, and then the whole side of the car frame where the door usually sits. $60 cleaning charge + fair later and we got out where we needed to be.

Michael purchased tickets for us to get into Schutzenfest, and then made us walk around to the wrong side because the entry point said, "No entry." Thanks to the genius who did that. No, really. I ended up crying the whole walk and blabbering on about how I was sorry for the vomit and taking $60 out of Michael's pocket. Once we finally got in, my two lovely best friends laughed their drunken asses off at mine.

I don't really remember much of this part. All I can recall on is wanting to sit down and sleep, falling to the ground, leaning on Ryan's leg, his hand gently brushing my head to keep me calm, and then someone helping me up since we were moving. Next thing I can sort of remember is putting my head down on the table, using my arms as pillows, and half passing out. I remember conversations happening but not well enough to know what they were about. Next thing, there's someone in a high visibility jacket asking if I'm okay and waking me up. The boys got me up and we started to walk, or at least they did.

Bradley had to pick me up and carry me Princess style to the nearest taxi rink, which wasn't even remotely close to where we ended up. I remember this part, and I told everyone that we were on Sir Donald Bradman Drive, and not West Terrace like we should have been. I mumbled it clearly enough that everyone just laughed me off. There was loose gravel in my shoes, so I decided to walk along the road that was clearly lined with parking lines to hail a taxi. Either Ryan or England kindly pointed out that I was actually just flailing around at random cars driving past. I can only imagine my performance from a bystanders position.

I don't know how but we finally hailed a taxi that didn't fit everyone, so a few of us chose to go in the first hoping the second lot would find a taxi shortly afterwards. I started to cry in the taxi because we were actually going back to Bella's house instead of our own, and I didn't know how we were going to get home the next morning or how we'd get Michael's car back [he parked in Glenelg at the engagement party.] I don't remember the taxi ride except for Michael leaning his head on mine so it would stop rolling backwards every time the driver accelerated.

Next thing, we're at Bella's, I'm walking inside and falling into Trevor's bed. I thanked Bella for the billionth time and then crashed and burned. I remember Michael crawling over me and cuddling me in bed. I woke up at some point during the early hours of the morning and found England and Brad talking. They showed me a video of England pushing Ryan over, which is hilarious and I'll have to upload later. England got my a glass of water, and while I was in the toilet, he accidentally walked in on me since I forgot to lock the door, then brought me a second glass in Trevor's bed.

10:30am and Michael and I finally decided to crawl out of bed. Bella gave us a lift home while England slept, and since then Michael and I have done nothing. Oh, except we did go and pick up his car then quickly retreated home. All I can deduce from last night's horrible performance on my behalf is that I have the most reliable, caring and loving best friends and boyfriend I could ever ask for. Even though they were all drunk and laughing at me most of the time, they made sure I was safe the whole night.

Yummy;

I remember Michael and I had a joke conversation about whether I'd say yes if he asked me to marry him with a fake diamond ring, which then lead to the idea that even if he asked me with one of these lolly pop rings, I'd still say yes because the value of a ring doesn't determine the value of the relationship. Each and every time I'd finish eating the ring, he said he'd buy me a new one.

A life time of lolly pop rings if I marry Michael ? I'm okay with that !

Friday, January 13, 2012

Pros & cons;

I'll admit it; I'm unhappy with my body's current shape. I'm not one of those "skinny bitches" who calls herself fat even though she's not, because I know I'm skinny. I'm well aware that my concerns with my body has nothing to do with my overall self esteem. What I'm concerned about is my well being and the health condition of my body. I'm out of shape. My body is not at its best - this is what makes me unhappy.

Up until about six years ago, I was always active and fit. I went for runs, walks with my dog, bike rides with my brother, played numerous sports, and did dancing every afternoon from school. These days I hardly walk fast, let alone run. I can't even dance at the intensity that I used to, which is highly disappointing for me. I know this sounds like a skinny bitch wah-wah session, but it's the only part of my life that I'm unhappy about.

SO, I made a list of pros & cons on getting fit again. Here they are:

Pros

  • Overall fitness and health will increase.
  • Stress levels will decrease.
  • Energy levels will increase.
  • Increased muscle.
  • The unwanted and excess fat I've built up will deteriorate.
  • I'll sleep better.
  • My clothes will fit properly again.
  • I'll have my baby six pack back.
  • I'll be happier.

Cons

  • I run the risk of dropping too much weight and ending up under 50kgs again. That's not what I want.
  • I run the risk of losing my amazing rack. I'm currently rocking 10D and I'd like to keep them.
  • I run the risk of losing my amazing bum. Whilst my abdominal area is out of shape, my bum is great. It's the biggest it's ever been and I want to keep it.

I've been doing some research on healthy and effective ways to tone up your abdominal area, so fingers crossed it doesn't take too long to see results. I've already started eating healthier and drinking lots more water and tea. 2010 is the year I plan on making permanent changes to becoming a better person, and this is just the beginning. Whilst this aspect is the only area of concern for my exterior, it's the internal errors that I'm more determined to correct. I can be a better person, and I will be.

Josie;

Every time I hear that song play, all I can think about is the time Michael was drunkenly singing it in the car as I drove home after his dad’s birthday. The whole time he was implying that I’m just like Josie, except I bring other surprises instead of Mexican food, and I don’t stay up til 3am watching Vacation.

He’s my male version of Josie, too.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

The little train that could;

The single reason behind my lack of progression through life comes down to one thing - fear. The reason why I never moved out of home earlier, why I never went to Uni for nursing, why I never got a real job, why all my relationships are insanely difficult at the beginning, why I don't trust others easily, why I'm always holding back on everything I want to do. Today is the 11th of January 2012 and I've never felt more fearless in my life.

I finally have a better understanding of myself; the person everyone always said I was but I denied. I didn't want to admit that I was scared, but I'm not like that anymore. I'm still scared of doing things but I'm not letting it stop me. From now on I'm pushing myself to overcome it, whatever it is, no matter how many times I fail before I get it right. If only I remain calm and focused, everything will work out effortlessly. I need to remember to breathe, collect my thoughts and not panic. Failure is acceptable as it teaches me what methods not to use, and I can't waste those lessons in life.
"Fear of the name only increases fear of the thing itself."
Hermione had no idea how right she was. The more I scared myself about things I hadn't even tried, the more I wanted to pretend like I didn't want them. I kept creating monsters out of my dreams and desires, and it was smothering me. I was always seeing the darker sides making it impossible to let the light in. Not anymore. This year I'm stronger. No. It started November last year, and I plan to carry it on for life. Now, if only I can pluck up the courage to sky dive. That would be the ultimate test.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Getting there;


Straightened my hair for the first time in so many months. It's almost long enough. That flannie is my favourite; back in the day when I could afford to spend $80 on shirts ):

Dreaming and the subconscious;

I always decipher my dreams if they strike me as odd or feel really powerful. I’m not into spirituality that much, and I don’t believe dreams can foretell possible future outcomes, but I do believe they’re an insight into the subconscious mind. I think they’re a great portal into the part of my thinking and feeling that I don’t acknowledge is really happening. The other day I posted about how I’m feeling much better and more positive about life and all that junk. That night I had a really emotionally powerful dream. In all my life, there has only been one time where I’ve felt as happy and over the moon content as I did in my dream. When I woke up to an empty bed, that happiness disappeared instantly and I felt cheated. I know exactly how happy I can be, the exact kind of happiness I’ve been looking for since the last time I found it, and my mind cheated the experience.

I dreamt that a certain someone proposed to me, and I said yes. The ring was incredibly large.

There’s obviously a lot more to my dream, but that’s the part that stuck with me the most. I have never, ever, everrrrr had a dream about someone I know asking me to marry them. Or even one with a stranger. Fantasizing about weddings and marriages and all that jazz is not my thing. But this, this wouldn’t leave my mind until I sat down and thought about it properly.

I started to over think and overreact about it. All my life I’ve always said that getting engaged and married in my mid-20’s is when I want to do it. OHMYGOODNESS, I’M OFFICIALLY IN MY MID-20’S THIS YEAR. I’LL BE 24, THAT’S MID-20’S ! Is my subconscious trying to tell me it’s time ? Am I really ready for that kind of commitment ? Do I really love that certain someone more than I’m letting on ? Maybe it’s just one of those things that happens to every girl ? I mean, I’ve never felt this way about someone before so I can’t possibly be feeling like that now, can I ? Blah, blah, blah, blaaaaaaaaah.

I’m realistic, and if I’m to remain that way, I don’t get my hopes up about anything gigantic like that. I thought looking it up might be of some interest, because I knew the dream didn’t literally mean I wanted to get married, and it doesn't.
Proposal.To dream that you are being proposed to indicates that you are merging a previously unknown aspect of yourself. More directly, the dream may mean that you are thinking about marriage or some serious long-term commitment/project/situation. Are you thinking about proposing to someone? Your reaction to the proposal indicates your true feelings about marriage or commitment.Ring. To see or receive a ring in your dream symbolizes emotional wholeness, continuity, commitments and honor. If the ring is on your finger, then it signifies your commitment to a relationship or to a new endeavor. You are loyal to your ideals, responsibilities, or beliefs.
Phew. So glad all it meant was that I feel like I’m coming together as a whole person. After all these years of trying to be the happiest and best person I can be, I think I’m finally there. Now just to hold onto it.

Aaaaaaaand as for the, “Ohmygoodness, I’m 24 this year. What about marriage ?!” overreaction - the idea of marriage is more pleasing to me now than before. That still doesn’t mean I want to get married now, it just means that I’m sure, one day when I’m ready, it’d be nice to settle down and have a family and stuff.

Monday, January 9, 2012

Today I'm at home with the boyfriend. We've finally got matching days off - I don't have work during the day on Monday and Tuesday, and he doesn't have to work the nights - it's excellent. We're watching sci-fi movies; starting with Star Wars I, II & III, and The Fifth Element.

Yay for happy days !

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Made a cup of tea at work and it’s horrible tasting. I would throw it out but it’s the second cup I’ve tried to make. The tea is obviously weak as anything, and the light milk isn’t helping.

It takes a lot to ruin my mood, but a horrible cup of tea is an instant killer.

Well this is awkward;

I always sit in my car for at least 20minutes before starting work so I can listen to Blink 182 and drink my tea. Today I parked in a place where everyone can see me as they pull into the car park. They’re all looking at me strangely, like sitting in a car is weird.

Leave me alone. I just want to listen to Blink, drink my tea, and do it without being questioned. I need to survive the next 6 hours and then I’ll be okay.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

2012 - year of determination and motivation;

From now on, whenever I'm watching a tv show or anime, I'm going to sit on my Ab Swing and work out. If I'm going to sit on my ass all day, might as well be on that stupid construction piece and get fit.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Waiting for Eden by Julia Stone - in Spook Magazine;

Waiting for Eden chapter one
One of my favourite musicians is now writing for Spook Magazine. Once a month, a new chapter is released and I'm so excited to read chapter two already. I like her style, it sort of reminds me of my own, except mine is a slight more rough than hers.

The thing I love best about this is that I read it all in her voice. I've heard her speak and sing often enough to know.

Monday, January 2, 2012

New Years Eve 2011 contained the following adventure;








  • Pre-drinks with my best friend, Rachel, at mine.
  • Pouring the remainder of our drinks into water bottles for the bus ride.
  • Loads of drunk pout photos for the lulz.
  • Our bus ride was cut short due to traffic at Brighton train station and Rachel’s dire urge to pee.
  • Peeing behind a car in some random street.
  • Walking down Brighton road with our hitch hiker thumb out trying to get a lift since the walk was going to take forever.
  • Running down the road, smacking my head on the roof of a taxi, climbing in and getting a lift to Jetty road.
  • Shoving our water bottles full of alcohol down the back of our shorts to hide them from the police.
  • Finally getting to the apartment.
  • Taking lots of photos with everyone.
  • Had the very most platonic NYE kiss with one of my best friends. His girlfriend and my boyfriend were at another party together… as friends, haha.
  • Sent Michael an incredibly mushy txt just after midnight that we’re both ignoring since it was pointless to remember.
  • Got in the car with Bradley, Ryan and John for a small drive to Clarendon for another party.
  • Bradley took a corner waaaaaaaaayyyy too sharp for my stomach to handle, which resulted in vomit as soon as I opened the car door.
  • Don’t remember seeing Michael at said party. I just asked for some water and somewhere to crash. I think it was 3:30am-ish by the time I crashed and burned.
  • Woke up at roughly 5:30am in a tent in my boyfriend’s friend’s girlfriend’s backyard. Yeah. I still don’t have any idea who she is.
  • When I finally got out the tent, I found Ryan on a chair asleep with a towel as blankie.
  • Michael drove us home, we slept, and then it was New Years Day hangover time.

If the way you spend the first day of the new year is anything to go by, I’m going to spend the rest of the year in my knickers and t-shirt.

My new year’s resolution ? Stay debt free.