they say you don't know what you got 'til it's gone / / they say that your darkest hour comes before your dawn

Saturday, March 24, 2012

I woke up alone with your smell lingering on the pillow cases.

Sometimes, when I wake up alone, I stare out the small broken area of the curtains and blankly leave my eyes upon the green grass outside my window. I think about all the grand adventures I've had in my dreams and I think about what I'd have to do to make them real. Each and every time, you're never there. And I start to wonder, "Am I doing the right thing with my life ?"

Am I destined for greater things ? Is that what my subconscious is trying to tell me ? What if I made a mistake somewhere down the line, and the life I dream of is the one I'd currently be living if I hadn't made that mistake ?

No, that's nonsense. Absolute bullshit. I am destined for greater things. I wake up every morning, eat, work, come home, love you, fall asleep, repeat. My life is meant to be more than that. I know it is. And I do believe my subconscious is trying to tell me that. I'm getting so very close to taking one of the biggest steps in my life. I'm going to become a nurse in the next couple of years. My life is on track. My career is on track.

I haven't made a single mistake in my life, or I wouldn't be happy with where I am. I know where I want to be in 5 years time, for the first time in my life. I know what I want to be when I grow up, finally. I know where everything is supposed to fit in my life; all those that I can control. But you... You're an unknown factor. I've never had a single fucking clue about where I'm going with you, and it makes me wonderfully happy. We can take this and make it into anything we want. It could be grand, or it could stay like this. I don't care. I have you, and right now, that makes me the happiest. I could never regret feeling like this. Even if we were to go separate ways.

I am doing the right thing with my life. I am. The life I dream of is big and it's scary, but most of all, I'm alone. And if I'm alone, I have no one to share my happiness with, and really, that's not what I want in life. What I'm currently doing - the routine of daily life - that's what I want in life. It makes me happy.

Sometimes, being this happy scares me. I'm afraid that it's all too good to be true. And sometimes, I'm afraid that this is the furthest I'll ever get in life. And then I'm at the beginning of all of this - wondering if I'm doing the right thing.

Then I remember: I've been waiting all week to get ramen with you. Just to be with you, doing what we love most [that's stuffing our faces with yummy food, if you didn't know,] and then everything is right. It's just a meal; I could have gone countless times on my own, but I never do. I always wait for you because, well in all honesty, that meal reminds me of some of the best memories of us together. And then an overwhelming sense of love sweeps over me, and I'm reduce to small tears of happiness.

No comments:

Post a Comment