they say you don't know what you got 'til it's gone / / they say that your darkest hour comes before your dawn

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Almost there!

Today was my first day of placement for second semester. I was hoping for something other than aged care but beggars can't be choosers, as my mother would've said. It was great, don't get me wrong, I mean I could have got something worse, but it was exactly like a day at work. No, I lied. It wasn't - it was easier. I'm rather disappointed but it was the first day so fingers crossed it picks up and I get to do some actual nursing or I'm going to complain. I emailed the placement department about a possible exclusion from this placement if it is aged care based (y'know, because I already work in aged care?) and I was told no one is exempt because it's not an aged care based placement. And I wouldn't have been mad and disappointed with my placement had I been placed elsewhere. Fuck it. I'm first year. I can't say shit. I should just be happy that I got a placement on the days I elected unlike other people. Plus, because I'm experienced, I'll get a better review and mark for my placement because I actually know what I'm doing. This is my time to shine. Silver lining, Bianca.

Money's about to get really tight. I just need to keep my mentality focused on the prize at the end of the year. I spoke to Bella and formally asked if it was okay that I moved in, even though Trev already asked and she's cool with it. I just wanted to ask myself because I felt like I was imposing. I feel a hell of a lot more comfortable moving in knowing that I asked myself. Bella wanted to get another cat, so Ichigo moving in is a bonus for her! I get my own room, and Trev is clearing a space and desk in the study for me... I can't even thank those two enough for doing so much for me. I'm really looking forward to it! Like super duper excited. Trev's house is closer to the beach, the room is smaller but there's better natural lighting, I get two more pets, the shopping centre is a 5 minute walk and has everything I need (literally), no more paying rent, AND it's right in the middle of uni and work so no fussing about changing my routine too much! Different roads to drive but nonetheless - I'm happy! There's also a dishwasher so I never have to hand wash my dishes again, and for someone who likes to cook, that is a gift from the universe. I can't wait to redecorate my room! New furniture, new decorations, new linen, and because the room and wardrobe are small, I have to cull all of the useless clutter I've been holding on it for like two years. Purging myself of everything I don't need will be good for me! I'll be able to start 2014 as a new person. It'll be the first year I'll work NYE and New Years Day, which sucks but whatever. Hello public holiday rate~ I'll have to move houses slowly during January because I'M GOING TO BALI three days before my lease at this house runs up. Perfect timing! I get to leave everything behind and come back to start fresh. How awesome is that!

I'm sorry for the poor writing style today but I just can't be bothered. I'm really not in the mood for editing my thoughts too much. I just needed to write...

4 days 23 hours 8 minutes.

Less than a week left. I honestly cannot believe it. I never ever thought I'd be able to keep myself together but look at me now! I've even had bad enough days that I wanted to break down and lose it but I didn't. I kept myself grounded and focused and I've never felt the way I do right now. This is the beginning that I needed all those years ago when I first tried to recover. Maybe I won't need the medication after all! I could actually cry out of happiness at that idea. I might be able to live a normal and healthy life just like everyone else. I might be able to pull off being "normal" all on my own. 17 year old me wanted to die. 22 year old me wanted to give up on everything and run away. 25 year old me is here to fucking stay and kick life's ass. It's taken me a really long time to get to where I am, mentally, and I'm really proud of myself. I previously posted about how being uneasy felt like something was banging inside of my chest, and I can happily say that instead of that, I feel like there's something floating about inside my chest that makes me feel really good. I could float away on happiness right now. I don't even remember that last time I felt that. I don't think I ever have, and that's sad.

Friday, September 27, 2013

22 days 21 hours 7 minutes

8 days down and I haven't had a panic attack or let my depression get the better of me. In fact, I haven't had any negative thoughts like usual, and I know it doesn't seem like a long time, but that is for me.

In addition to not letting negative thoughts get to me, I've started working out again. I'm doing the 7 minute workout challenge - 7 minutes per circuit with at least 1 circuit every day for 7 months. You work up a little bit of a sweat and get heated. I started Wednesday, skipped Thursday by mistake (also super busy but somehow couldn't spare 7 minutes?), and just completed Friday. I actually really enjoy it. It's light, it's quick, it doesn't make you all sweaty and gross, and it fits in perfectly with my life style. Tomorrow morning, I'm going to see if I can do a workout before getting ready for work. We'll see how it goes, ha!

I downloaded a HeadSpace app as well, which helps with mindfulness and meditating. It's 10 minutes worth of mediation designed to help you concentrate on the now and stop anxious thoughts about the past and/or future. I'm going to try it right before bed to see how it goes. The challenge is designed for 10 days, so I wanna give it my all.

I'm really looking forward to the next 22 days. I am really looking forward to taking back control. It feels really, really good.

Sunday, September 15, 2013

What am I doing?!

Attempting to write a 1500 word essay the night before it's due was a bad idea, and I knew it when I was procrastinating earlier this week. It's Michael's birthday tomorrow, too, and we're going out to dinner. I have $24 in my account, which means dinner will have to be super cheap because I'm clearly broke as fuck until Tuesday. I need to start picking up more hours at work but that means less time to study for uni and I'm already struggling to fit everything in! I need to make an appointment with a GP to sort out my anxiety and depression but that means medication and a) I don't have money for that, b) I am super forgetful so I'll probably miss out on taking them like you're supposed to, and c) the uni scrub crawl is in a couple of weeks and I really wanted to drink - even though I know I shouldn't because alcohol is a depressant but whatever. I wanted to have fun with all my uni friends, plus Celeste and Rachel are coming so I kind of need to keep up my end of the bargain. I've saved $100 for the night just to be sure everything is covered. Even if I started medication after scrub crawl, there's also the fact that Rachel and I have plans to travel to Bali, and all I wanted to do was party and lounge by the pool. I can't do that if I'm on medication. It's fucks up all my plans and yet it's probably the only thing that'll help control my mental issues right now. Clearly the techniques I was using aren't enough any more. Obviously if they were, I wouldn't be having such troubles like I am. I'm starting to get itchy all over which means my anxiety rash is on its way back. Mother is away in Darwin so any chances of borrowing some money from here are gone. I mean, I could take some out of my savings, but then I'd need to replace it straight away and I honestly don't think I'd be able to. Hannah's rent is paid back to me on Tuesday, but I also have the water bill and a gigantic gas bill to pay. Michael gave me some money so that's helpful, really helpful, but I'm still fucked. I have to pay for my passport as well, which is the money sitting in my savings account. And the money I have for Bali is STRICTLY off limits. It's so hard to be broke all of the time when I know I have access to money that I can't use just yet. I just need to make it through the next four months and then everything will be okay. I can move out of this house with my shitty housemate, go on a holiday and forget everything for 10 nights, then come back and start fresh. I'm gonna talk to Bella in October and see if it's okay if I move in there, otherwise living with Rachel is my only choice. And that's good and bad because I don't have to pay rent but it's so far from work that I'd be getting little sleep and spending more money on petrol. Everything is sort of going to shit right now and earning more money without increasing my hours too much would solve everything. Tomorrow, I'm going to call centrelink and see what the fuck I can do about getting some sort of assistance because I'm full time studying so I think I fucking deserve it. And if I qualify for the low income health care card, medication becomes affordable (providing it's covered) and then I don't have to worry about not being able to afford it. If I can't afford it every single month then there's no point in starting because I'm only going to rebound again and that fucked me up really bad last time.

I'm on my third cup of coffee and I started my essay two hours ago. My 20 minute break is over. It's going to be a long night and my anxiety will be tested.

Friday, September 13, 2013


Perfect music to accompany my studying session today/tonight. Downloading this song was a brilliant decision.

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Haven't done one in so long!


How did you get one of your scars?
I fell on a rock right before the countdown on NYE.

How did you celebrate your last birthday?
My 25th was spent drunk in town dancing my butt off with my amazing friends.

How are you feeling at this moment?
Pretty tired but good. Average weekend. Not looking forward to my uni assignments though.

How did your night go last night?
Last night was great! Went to a uni friend's house warming party, then watched movies with Michael.

How did you do in high school?
I didn't like high school so I just did enough to get out with my year 12 qualifications. My TER/ATAR expired when I applied for uni anyway so it doesn't matter.

How did you get the shirt you're wearing?
Hannah was throwing out clothes she doesn't wear any more.

How often do you see ur best friend?
I see them at least once a week :)

How much money did you spend last month?
TOO MUCH! Omg I'm paying for it now.

How old do you want to be when you get married?
Whatever age I'm at that I decide I want to get married.

How old will you be at your next birthday?
26. Kill me.

Your mothers name?

What did you do last weekend?
Last weekend I worked, so shit all.

What is the most important part of your life?
The time I spend with my friends + brother.

What would you rather be doing?
Relaxing with Michael instead of procrastinating.

What did you last cry over?
Anxiety attack.

What always makes you feel better when you’re upset?
Cups of tea, Michel's cuddles and reassurance, and my cat.

What’s the most important thing you look for in a significant other?
A good heart and mind.

What are you worried about?
Everything, haha!

What did you have for breakfast?
2 slices of wholemeal toast with vegemite. It took me like 15 minutes to convince Michael to make me toast and in the end he forced me to do it, haha.

Have you ever liked someone who had a girlfriend/boyfriend?
Yeah. Hello, I was a shit person.

Have you ever had your heartbroken?
A couple of times.

Have you ever been out of the country?
January 2014 will be my first time!

Have you ever done something outrageously dumb?
I do a lot of 'dumb shit' but I don't care what people think so it's okay.

Have you ever been back stabbed by a friend?
Eh. Shit people are shit.

Have you ever had sex on the beach?
No. I imagine sand would get in places you don't want.

Have you ever dated someone younger than you?
Michael is two years younger than me so there's that.

Have you ever read an entire book in one day?
Harry Potter, duh!

Who was the last person you saw?
Hannah since she happens to be home.

Who was the last person you texted?
Michael, like every other day, haha.

Who was the last person you hungout with?
I was with Michael this morning. Hannah and I are in separate rooms.

Who was the last person to call you?
Shit. No idea.

Who did you last hug?
Michael, when I left his house.

Who is the last person who texted you?

Who was the las person you said "i love you" to?


Where does your best friend live?
Adelaide and one in NZ.

Where did you last go?
Michael's house to home.

Where did you last hang out?
Michael's house.

Where do you go to school?
St Mary's College.

Where is your favorite place to be?
Near the beach!

Where did you sleep last night?
Michael's bed.

Do you like someone right now?
Love, obvs.

Do you think anyone likes you?
Michael loves me back, even if I make him eat his own boogers ;)

Do you ever wish you were someone else?
Never. Fuck that shit.

Do you know the muffin man?
Who lives down on Drury Lane?

Does the future scare you?
Sometimes it gets so overwhelming. I'm getting better at letting that shit unfold on its own.

Why are you best friends with your best friend(s)?
Because they're the best people I know. When I think of the future in like 30 years, those people are still there.

Why did you start a blog?
Because I always had diaries as a child, and writing is therapeutic for me.

Why did your parents give you the name you have?
Mother just likes it.

Why are you doing this survey?

If you could have one super power what would it be??
Telekinesis. Would make being lazy so much easier.

If you could go back in time and change one thing, would you?
No way in hell.

If u were stranded on a deserted island and could bring 1 thing what would you bring?
A mirror. Not to look at myself, but to reflect light and use it to catch the attention of people passing by.

Would you ever get back together with any of your ex’s if they asked you?

Would you ever shave your head to save someone you love?
I think about shaving it all off all the time. Wearing wigs would be so much better then doing my hair every day.

Are you happy with your life right now?
Everything will be worth it in another two years.

Monday, June 10, 2013

How not to approach women to compliment them when you are under the influence of alcohol:

My friends and I showed up to a club drunk around 4am. I wasn’t in the mood to drink or dance anymore, so my friends played pool while I watched. I had been awake since 5:30am because I had work that morning, so I was yawning and getting tired (as anyone else would).

Some dickbag from the shadows appeared and initiated a conversation about how I shouldn’t yawn because the “night is still young.” I explained to him that I had been up for almost 24 hours and that I was tired from work. Was that okay, by his standards? No, of fucking course not. He then told me I was an “almost genuine girl” or something like that - basically a backhanded compliment - and then proceeded to point to my ex and told me that he (my ex) would agree. So I told him exactly who he pointed to, to which he replied, “well that’s awkward, at least he’s not your current boyfriend.” No, you’re right because my current boyfriend was at a gig with his mates. “Well that’s awkward, I should go now…” Did he leave? Of fucking course not.

(Now, at this point I really should have said something but I was too tired to waste my breath on this dickbag and hoped that he would have left if I stopped talking to him. I just kept saying “yeah” and nodding my head - you know the kind you do when you have no idea what someone just said but you’re too nice to ask them to repeat. And that might have worked if my awesome and lovely best friend stopped taking sips from his shitty glass (I love you Rachel but you did not help))

He then kept talking about whatever - I wasn’t listening - and kept telling me that he should go now because I obviously wasn’t interested. Did he leave? NO. NO HE DID NOT. He acknowledged that I wasn’t interested, he knew I wasn’t listening, he even admitted that the right thing to do was to leave, but he didn’t. He. Kept. Fucking. Trying.

Eventually he left. Then my brother, as protective as ever, told me off for not being upfront with the dude and not telling him no straight up. Now, generally speaking, I would have said no, but I’m getting really sick and tired of assholes calling me a bitch because I gave them the “once over” and didn’t like what I saw. I was not in the mood to be offended. FUCK OFF, MATE.

So here’s my idea of how to approach a woman you find attractive when you’re intoxicated:

  1. Get your motherfucking shit together. Do not stumble over to me. Do not spill your drink on me. Do not slur your words at me. Get it to-fucking-gether.
  2. Introduce yourself nicely. “Excuse me, my name is [name] and I was wondering if I may compliment you?” is a good one. How about: “Hello, sorry for interrupting your night. My name is [name] and I would like to tell you something, if that’s okay with you?”
  3. Respect a woman’s choice if I immediately say no. I am not interested. You’re not good enough. Accept it and move the fuck on.
  4. If I say I have a boyfriend, whether truth or not, don’t call me a liar and ignore what I say. The last thing I’d want to do is fuck a guy who talks shit to me and calls me names.
  5. ASK if I would like to continue talking to you. Just because I listened to your compliment and thanked you for doing so, doesn’t not mean I am interested in whatever else you have to say. If I say yes, continue the conversation.
  6. IF I SAY NO, WALK THE FUCK AWAY. “Okay, thanks for the quick chat. I hope you have a great night. Goodbye.” End of fucking story.
  7. If I change my mind and I’m interested in you, I’ll come looking for you. I will apologise for cutting you short, but I’ll genuinely want to talk to you at this point so you better fucking take it while I’m still interested.


Thursday, June 6, 2013

Guess who had a mini anxiety attack in class today?

We were talking about homelessness and how it impacts nursing. I wanted to share my story of how domestic violence lead to homelessness but my mind went into panic mode and I ended up uncontrollably crying in front of everyone. Could not believe after all this time, it still upsets me. Another girl shared her story of how her family were homeless because of domestic violence and drug abuse. We had a massive group hug to cheer everyone up. It was nice.

Later that day, another girl from my class pulled me aside and told me that I’m not alone because she, too, was once homeless. She’s from Africa and sought refuge in Australia. “It’ll get better. It always does. You’re not alone. It makes you stronger.”

There are some really shitty people out there but then you come across fucking magical people and you wonder if they’re secretly unicorns in their spare time because they’re so fucking rare. I’m so happy to be in a class full of truly empathetic nurses-to-be. They’re going to be incredible healers one day.

Friday, May 24, 2013

I got feeback on one of my first assignments.

All I saw was "c" and thought that it sucked because I was expecting a better score. Yeah, turns out that a "c" means Credit, not like in high school where a "c" means a pass. I got a fucking credit on an assignment I didn't really try on. Most people got a P (pass), and only two people got High Distinctions. I most certainly would have got a higher score had I checked the marking rubric before submitting my assignment, because I lost 10% on a section I didn't know I was meant to include. Whoops!

I also got 100% on my drug calculations test on the first try. I was panicking before the test so much that I told Rachel that I couldn't wait to get some vodka. By the time the others had finished one question, I had finished the whole quiz. I celebrated my pass with a vodka and coke with England and Henry ;)

One exam, two cases studies and one placement left then it's end of first semester. I can't believe how quickly it's all happening. 3 years will be over before I know it.

Sunday, May 5, 2013

I don't know what feels better - surprising yourself or surprising others.

On average, I'm getting at least 90.36% on all of my quizzes. That's fucking brilliant because I never expected to score so well. I mean, today's quiz was done half asleep and hungry, and I still managed to score 92.13%.

If I can keep this up, guess who's going to fucking nail their exam?
This bitch.

Guess who never expected me to do so well?
Everyone I know.

Thursday, May 2, 2013

It's been a while, and for good reason.

I've been so busy with life that I really haven't taken the time out for me - and the me that enjoys being on here. I guess, what I really want to do, is write an apology to my past self. I've been doing a lot of self-reflection since my grandma's funeral (plus, uni classes make me).

Dear Past Bianca,

I am sorry for trying to kill you all those years ago. I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough to keep your head up and your heart strong. You've always had so many wonderful, loving people around you and I kept that away from you. I'm sorry for giving up on your dreams, on yourself, and on everyone else. You didn't deserve that. You did what you thought was best for you - believe me, it's all worked out for the best - but I had such a hard time dealing with the sacrifices that were made to get here. It's been a difficult journey, and the things you've done to make my life incredible have gone unrecognised. Credit where credit is due.

You've been so stressed and anxious about being the best person you can be to support everyone else through their troubles that you haven't taken the time to be the best person you can be to yourself. When was the last time you took a solid hour out of your day to just sit? 30 minute hot showers are not enough to bring life back into your heart; it's just not. You've been so worried about making other people happy, about living up to their expectations, and your own, that you've forgotten how to take care of yourself. Consider yourself the luckiest person on Earth because if it wasn't for Michael, I don't think I'd still be sane by now. Surely I would have gone crazy in the end. After all, I could feel you fall apart, going insane slowly, but I didn't do anything. I should have seen the warning signs and done something more.

Start eating proper meals. Start sleeping proper hours of the day and night. Start practicing yoga again. Start loving yourself more, because if you can't, then no one else can. Go get your hair cut, you deserve to spoil yourself. You don't need to explain or justify why you deserve nice things all the time. You know why.

I'll take better care of you from now on. I promise.

Friday, April 12, 2013

We buried my grandma today.

I don't think I've seen my mother cry like that before. My grandma gave me her engagement ring before she passed away. I put it on today and I keep looking at it with an ache inside. She married a man, raised children, raised grandchildren, lived a loved and full life, but she never loved her husband. The third to last time I saw her, she made herself lunch, sat at the table, and then made gestures I've never seen her do. Her husband, my grandpa, sat at the table to have lunch with her. Do you know what she did? She physically turned her chair away from him, glared at him over her shoulder the whole time, and spoke about how much of an idiot she thought he was. They got married when she was 18; she died at 69. They were married for 51 years and I don't think she loved him a single day. When the hearse pulled up today, and he saw the flowers and the casket, he broke down and cried hysterically. He loved her but she never loved him, and I don't know what's sadder.

Friday, April 5, 2013

2013 was always going to be a hard year, but the death of my grandma tonight was a fucking kick in the teeth. Thank you, life. You have made everything a billion times worse.

Monday, April 1, 2013


GAME OF THRONES WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOU CANNOT END AN EPISODE LIKE THAT NOW I HAVE TO WAIT FOREVER FOR THE NEXT ONE FUCK also I would definitely go to town on Tyrion that little sassy shit just putting it out there cool

Monday, March 18, 2013

Guys. I did it.

I made a friend at uni that actually wants to hang out with me. We’re not in the same classes at all but whatever. Point is, I managed to do this social thing. Years ago, I would have failed miserably. I’m about to start my third week and I have a fucking friend. Me. I have a friend. It took me several months at work before I become friendly with co-workers. I even added her on Facebook. I am kicking my anxiety in the ass - for the time being.

Who the fuck is university turning me into?

The best person ever obviously.

Saturday, March 16, 2013

So this is my babelicious boyfriend, Michael.

Throughout our almost 4 year long relationship, I’ve made jokes about breaking up with him. I’m not one of those “YAY LETS GET MARRIED” kind of girls, so I do the opposite and joke that I’ll dump him (LOLOL I won’t actually, I love him too much).

ANYWAY, my point is that he’s a magical fucking person for putting up with all of my shit. He’s been taking care of his diet a lot better and doing more physical activity, but I never really noticed how big the changes on his body have been. The other night, we went to the same 21st in separate cars. I took a quick glance at the people are the party, and I saw some guy (he had his back to me) from a distance and was like, heeeeeyyyy ;)

Turns out it was my own boyfriend. Still catching my eye.

This has been an attempt at a sentimental post. You are welcome.

Saturday, March 9, 2013

First week of university in review:

Tuesday day one:

  • Freaked my shit about being late, and nearly was thanks to the bus. Adelaide Metro really need to work on their “Journey Planner” because I could have caught two buses before the one it told me to catch actually arrived.
  • I had a conversation with a guy that went like this “Where is your chest tattoo from? I’ve seen it somewhere before?” It’s from a Japanese anime called Fullmetal Alchemist. “No, like I’ve seen you somewhere before.” Oh, maybe at AVCon or Supanova? “Nope.” GameTraders or Shin Tokyo? I’m there a lot. “Nope. I know you from somewhere else.” I don’t know, man. I have a habit of meeting people when I’m drunk and not remembering. “Instagram! I know you from Instagram!”
    I assume this is how it feels to be tumblr fam0u$~*~ Turns out we actually have a mutual friend as well.
  • Another guy in my class also said he knows me from somewhere but neither us can remember. This is super awkward because I’m actually known for my inability to make friends.
  • We played this game to get to know everyone in my class. I basically told everyone I have a cat and prefer tea over coffee. Probably the most important thing to know about me, yeah?
  • Thalia and I had lunch together. It’s nice to have a friend in my class but it sucks that after 3 weeks, we’ll be separated and I’ll have to make new friends again. Ugh.
  • I spent the whole night freaking out because I realised I had missed buying a textbook and DVD I actually need. Thank goodness I’m privileged enough to have a mother who paid for them.
  • Had lunch with England aka beer and fruit.
  • Did a lot of readings when I got home but couldn’t work out how to find the quizzes to go with them.

Thursday day two:

  • Bought the DVD and book that I needed after work on Wednesday. Didn’t write down the due dates for my homework and couldn’t find them on the online system, so I freaked out thinking they were due Thursday. I spent hours on Wednesday night doing a crazy amount of math homework that made me feel so stupid. At about 12am, I somehow stumbled upon the due date for my homework and realised it wasn’t due until next week. Wanted. To. Die.
  • Completed some quizzes after getting multiple choice questions half right several times. The question clearly stated “Choose one or more:” so me being me, I chose one. Yeah, I needed to choose all the correct options to get a full correct answer since I need to 100% everything.
  • Made a nurses hat out of paper for some team building exercise. Idk. The group I was in was so slow because we were making jokes instead of doing the work. N2S: don’t sit with them too often if you expect HD.
  • Started working on our group poster activity. We’re all pretty sure the whole point of it is to prove we can work as a team, but we’re getting too caught up in the work involved.
  • Borrowed $5 off Thalia so I could get home because the Adelaide Metro website is shit and when you recharge your metrocard online, the credit isn’t available until the next day. Real helpful.
  • Started to feel more settled and organised about my homework and how to find everything. Completed a shit load of quizzes to help with that.
  • Realised, that as apart of a group exercise, that we could not survive a boat crashing in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. “Fishing nets allows water to pass through it but fish get stuck.” will probably be a joke my group will throw at each other when someone says something really stupid. One of those “You have to be there” moments.
  • Did no homework at all because my brain was fried.

Friday day three:

  • Had an 8am start which meant the Loop Bus wasn’t running and therefore I had to catch an even earlier bus to uni so I had ample time to walk from my bus stop.
  • Skipped breakfast for the second day in a row because I am stupid.
  • Found my class room easily and didn’t get lost!
  • Worked more on our group project today. We now have a design and context. Just gotta put it together on Tuesday and we should be done. I can’t believe we still don’t have it done by now. It’s an A3 poster, for goodness sake.
  • Stayed behind after class and caught up with Nyssa. We went to get lunch on the main campus but all of the ATMs were handing out $50s only and we didn’t want to waste that much money.
  • Bumped into Amalia! It’s awesome to find out more people are at uni than I first thought. Good to know.
  • Came home. Napped for 4 hours instead of 2. Made dinner. This.
  • So far I have 100% on all the quizzes I’ve done. This makes me supremely happy.
I think I’ll do weekly posts about how uni is going if I can find things to write about.

Saturday, March 2, 2013


K so I love Adelaide. L O V E I T. But I am sick to death of people complaining during March. People here cry all year long over the city being “boring” and never having exciting things to do here. Then “Mad March” hits and there’s the Clipsal, Soundwave, Fringe Festival, and Adelaide Festival. Everyone gets what they fucking want but they still cry, and you know why?

The traffic gets worse and there are more people here.

It’s one goddamn month of the year, and the best month to be in Adelaide. Live it up, you miserable assholes. If you think the traffic and amount of people is bad during March, then you should probably look at Sydney or Melbourne all year long because that’s how they have it 24/7.

You want our city to get bigger and better yet you don’t want the people that come with it. Where’s the fucking logic?

Friday, March 1, 2013


So there's this breed of lemurs where the females sleep during the dry season, only come out when the wet season arrives, eat, choose their male partner, and then mate just once a year. That's my kind of animal. I like lemurs.

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Bradley threw a house party for his birthday last night.

I took less than half a bottle of vanilla vodka and a 2lt bottle of coke with me. I left my camera at Rachel’s, and she forgot the battery to hers, so there are hardly any photos (unless I lurk my friends’ instagrams to find some but I cbf right now). The following order of events is not chronological:

♥ Despite my attempts to keep my alcohol hidden so no one would steal some, it still happened. At the end of the night, I went to get my bottle of vodka, and the damn thing was sitting on the kitchen table free for all because someone fished it out of my hiding spot. I give the fuck up.

♥ Loads of catching up done with Sami and Rhiannon. I was super happy to sit and chat to them.

♥ I gave up giving up cigarettes and guilt tripped Rachel into taking me to the closest servo so I could buy a packet. A packet of 26 almost didn’t make the whole night, granted I was handing them out to people who asked kindly.

♥ Quick d&m with Michael’s best friend. He’s being screwed around by someone who has no reason to treat him like that, and it irritated me. Eventually said person cut their foot, so I helped stop the bleeding but that was the extent of niceness I was giving them.

♥ We all sang Bradley happy birthday while he wanted to curl into a ball and die on his bed at midnight. He didn’t want to celebrate getting older, but fuck that shit. It was great and he hated it so much.

♥ I finally met Isaac sober. This seems to be a reoccurring thing for me - I meet someone enough times when I’m drunk that I actually become friends with them, then never see them when I’m sober, so when they add me to Facebook and see me around without alcohol, I’m totally confused. This happened to Craig, so now I photograph every encounter when I’m drunk to keep a record. And you think your memory is bad -.-

♥ Rachel went home without me but left me her house key so I could get back in since my car and bag was at hers. I didn’t end up staying the night.

♥ Larry, Frances, Harry and a few other people ran around the place with permanent markers drawing on people and sorts of shit. Then, I don’t know where it came from or who’s idea it was, they had blue face paint and were covering each other in it. They attacked everyone else as well, including Larry slapping it on my face.

♥ I got really tired really quick, but I didn’t want to go back to Rachel’s because she has white linen on her bed and I didn’t want to ruin them. Looker offered to walk with my down to Unley Road to catch a taxi to Rachel’s house. I made a deal with Looker, that if he came with me, I’d drive him home and then myself so I could sleep in my own bed.

♥ Looker and I couldn’t catch a taxi since there were none, so we walked to Rachel’s house, which took like an hour or something but it was good. He picked me a rose from a bush outside some place along our walk, haha.

♥ After dropping Looker home, I drove to my favourite lookout in Adelaide and watched the sunrise over my favourite city (above). There were no other cars there, so I just sat in silence and took in the peace and quiet. I hadn’t been up there in so long. It was beautiful!

♥ I got home around 7:30am, decided to leave the face paint on since I was so tired, and went straight to bed.

♥ I haven’t done much except for sleep most of the day. Michael came over, we got pizza and watched tv.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Nursing and Midwifery Orientation Conference Day #1

I am exhausted. 10am-5pm killed me. I am not used to starting and finishing so late. There was a whole bunch of listening today that I could have gone without. I had to sit and listen to someone talk about things I really wasn’t interested in, and then I had to sit and listen to four more people say basically the same thing again. I got the general gist of the point they were making after the first two people, I really didn’t need another three.

Lunch was provided, which made me super happy because I was worried I’d have to pay for an overpriced and extremely unhealthy meal from the cafe. I’ll either have to pack my own lunches or go back to the main campus for lunch because I sure as hell ain’t ruining my clean eating for that shit. On the plus side, I did notice they stocked alcohol in their fridges. Always handy to know that.

Alex saved me a seat but by the time I got there, the whole damn theater was already full. I was shipped off with other overflowing people to another theater where we had to watch a sub-par live stream of the original conference. People were so goddamn noisy during the presentations. I’m sorry, but I was taught that when someone’s talking, you stop and listen. It’s not that hard.

Finding my mentor was a bitch. They need flags or something to clearly identify themselves to everyone else. There was something like 400 people there today. I would have thought they’d have a better way of students finding their mentors other than just blindly searching for them amid every other person there. jfc.

I made a couple of friends, met the people who will be in my 3 week intensive workshop, and got down my mentor’s email so I can holla at him when I’m in trouble. His last name is Millhouse. MILLHOUSE. He better like The Simpsons because I won’t stop the references. I immediately said, “everything’s coming up Millhouse,” when I read his name. He took my group for a quick campus tour, which was nice because I had no idea where anything was. He also answered all my stupid dumb questions, which was also nice because I ask a lot of questions and am annoying like that.

No, but seriously: good day. Here’s to hoping that tomorrow’s even better. Idk. I am so tired. Rachel and I went shopping afterwards and were totally successful. Purchased the most perfect outfit for Michael’s cousin’s wedding in March. I am going to look cute as fuck.

Monday, February 18, 2013


Didn’t have my daily nap and was rudely woken up by the mailman this morning. I don’t know what’s worse: knowing it’s 10pm and I want bed, or the fact that I had to put on a woolly/cotton/whateverthefuck dressing gown this morning even though it was already like 30 degrees because answering the door in my underwear with side boob on show isn’t appropriate?

I think it’s my punctuation.

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Here’s the thing about depression:

While a person suffering from it might have it under control and live a happy normal life, there are times where they relapse and find themselves feeling uncontrollably miserable. Tonight is one of those nights for me.

I just cried to myself hard enough that my nose started bleeding.

I am trying really hard to hold it together right now, but when you open the door just a tiny bit, it’s like the feeling barges through and takes over. I know my mind is messing with me, and I keep telling myself that I’m being irrational, but I can’t help it. I can’t help the way I feel right now. It honestly feels like I am fighting against myself.

I’m just really tired of people telling me it’ll be okay in the end. What I really want is someone to admit that what I’m feeling is difficult to deal with, and while I know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, they understand why I am losing sight of it. Tell me that you know what I’m feeling is hard to deal with. Tell me that you’ll be there to help. Deal with how I’m feeling right this second, not how I’ll be fine in a couple of hours/days/weeks.

Don’t brush off how I’m feeling in hopes that reminding me of how I’ll be okay will make me feel better. All it does is make me feel like you don’t validate how I feel. If I can identify and accept the emotions I’m going through, then why can’t you?

“I understand that you are going through a rough patch. While your fears might not be rational, I understand that they are real fears to you. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed. I am here to listen. Talk to me.”

That’s all you have to say. It’s not that fucking hard. Now I’m just mad at myself.


I am so emotionally conflicted right now. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. It could be my hormones, or it could be how I really feel. I don’t know if I should wait it out because this is starting to make me feel sick and I don’t think I’d last.

Put it this way: I feel so unwanted that I don’t think you’d notice if I just stopped trying altogether.

You said I was your best friend. You don’t do this to your best friend. I might drift away from my best friends, but I always give them the time they deserve when they want it. And I’m doing something I don’t usually do - I’m talking to you first and trying desperately to keep this alive.

I haven’t felt this defeated in a really long time. You mean more to me than you realise, and I feel like I’m wasting my time on someone who doesn’t want it.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

I made vegan pancakes tonight!

Holy shit, they’re delicious. Next time I’m adding banana.

The recipe is super simple:

  • 1 cup self-raising flour
  • 1 cup soy milk
  • 1 teaspoon No Egg (mixed with 2 tablespoons water first)
  • a pinch of salt
  • Whisk
  • Fry
  • Flip
  • Eat

You’re welcome.

Tim would be so proud of me.

Friday, February 8, 2013

Making omelettes for dinner with mother and forcing her to listen to One Direction, hahahahahahahaha.

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Things you should know about me #903483whatever

There are two times of the day where you should never ever interrupt me:

  1. When I’m in the shower
  2. When I’m eating

Just don’t. For the sake of your own head, don’t interrupt me. Those are the only two times in the world where I want to be left alone. Interrupt me when I’m on the toilet; when I’m trying to sleep; when I’m at work; whenever the hell you want just not when I’m showering or eating. Those are peaceful times for me.

I am vulgar and offensive. Get the fuck used to it.

I literally could not give a shit about what strangers think of me, or people I know and dislike think of me. I don’t see how their opinions of me matter so I don’t pay attention. People call me conceited or a snob for it, but idgaf. If my attitude is such a problem for you, then go away.

I like cups of tea more than coffee; cider more than beer; vodka more than gin; my body in only a bra and panties more than clothes; sex during the day more than before sleep or in the morning; lipgloss more than lipstick; bare feet more than shoes; summer more than winter; riding as a passenger more than being the driver; McDonalds more than KFC; and anime + manga more than being popular.

More importantly, and the thing most people never get to see, is that I’m genuinely a nice person most of the time. For real. Just don’t, y’know, give me a reason not to be nice, and we’ll get along fine. Despite being a sarcastic bitch 90% of the time, I’m actually a good person. Or at least I try to be.

Get excited!


Totally gonna be hung-the-fuck-over for uni the next day but idgaf. Spoiling myself good and proper because I deserve it.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Challenge accepted.

Right, so I’m trying to quit cigarettes, and as a natural deterrent, this is what I’m going to do every time I feel like a cigarette. At least, as I practically can - doing a quick workout while on shift at work is a little impractical.

Point being: If I’m going to quit, I might as well turn my cravings into something positive. Not only am I going to quit (I will probably still fuck up but whatever) but I’m going to become a fit bitch. Yeah~!

Sunday, January 27, 2013

Australia Day/Citizen Day/Whatever the fuck it’s called Day

Yesterday, most of my friends gathered at Looker’s house for Australia Day (whatever the PC term is now, etc.) BBQ and drinks. Trev picked me up, we got some mixers for my vanilla vodka and some veggie sausages. We were the first to arrive, but whatever, because that meant we could get a head start on drinking and munching on snacks. Upto dropped in some goon and some fruit juice to make punch, but I had already opened a bottle of Looker’s homemade Apple & Blackcurrant cider so I held off for a bit.

Rachel showed up, and then a few others (I don’t really remember who and when), but no one remembered to bring a deck of cards for Kings. Rachel and Kim made some shitty paper cards, but they did the trick since I ended up vomiting in Looker’s back garden afterwards. I only played one round. I think if I went for a second, I wouldn’t have made it through the night.

We took loads of photos, made way too many jokes that I can’t remember, shared alcohol and cigarettes, danced and listened to Triple J’s Hottest 100. Hannah won an imaginary bet that Thrift Shop would win #1.

I don’t really remember when or why, but Rachel picked me up over her shoulders and then tried to walk inside. She got as far as Looker’s back door before she dropped me on the floor. I now have a bruised left side and grazes to my elbow, but it was hilarious at the time.

Michael, Larry and Brad left at one point to go the Jetty Bar to see Ryan, so Rachel, Hannah, Paschal and myself decided to walk to the main road and catch a cab up. We got about half way between the main road and Looker’s house before we got distracted. Some random house had an unguarded trampoline in their front yard - so we jumped on it. We tried to keep our voices down, but I don’t think it worked because someone who lived across the street peered out their front door and then shut it when Rachel yelled hello. Meanies.

Eventually we got off, Rachel decided that stopping in the middle of the street to look for chewing gum was a great idea, and then Hannah and Paschal decided to go home instead. I got a text from Celeste to tell me that Michael, Brad and Larry had gone back to Looker’s, so Rachel and I turned around and went back.

At some point during the night, I think before we left for the Jetty Bar, Lil Hannah and I had a big D&M as drunk girls do. I don’t really remember what it was about, but at the time it was super important for us to get everything out. I can’t imagine my life without her. When she’s a famous movie star, we’re taking her private jet and going shopping in Paris ;)

At the end of the night, Larry, Rachel, Michael and myself decided to go to Rachel’s house instead of trying to go to our own homes. It took us ages to get through on the phone lines to book a cab. We made a quick pit stop at Larry’s house and then went back to Rachel’s. On our way, Rachel couldn’t stop laughing because as she was struggling to put her seat belt on, Michael said, “Omg, Rachel. Just stick it in.” Then she stuck her head out the window and the driver freaked because he thought she was vomiting. Larry made small talk to ease the driver since he seemed really uncomfortable.

Because we made a pit stop along the way, Rachel was panicking about not having enough money for the fare. As it slowly reached closer to $55, she kept suggesting that the driver just pull over and stop because we “couldn’t afford it,” which would have been fine but Michael couldn’t walk due to a sprained ankle he got the night before. When we got to Rachel’s, the fare was something like $58, but because Rachel was being a pain in the ass over the price, he dropped it down to $55! I complimented the driver on his excellent driving skills and said I’d be calling the company again. I like a nice smooth driver.

This morning I woke up at like 7:30am to the sounds of Rachel vomiting in the bathroom. I tried to go back to sleep again, but because my left side is bruised and grazed, it made sleeping uncomfortable. I begged the guys to come to The Pancake Kitchen with me, and they all said yes once I offered to pay. $87 worth of pancakes, bacon, hash browns, eggs, and everything else later, we all went our separate ways.

Oh yeah, I also made a deal with my brother to quit smoking when he runs out of his, since I’m already out of mine. + I made plans to climb Mount Lofty tomorrow morning with Rachel and Sarah. I’m going to nap now and then go to Rachel’s so I’m there in the morning all refreshed for Death Mountain.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

I did it!

I got my blood test done today, AND a diphtheria-tetanus-whooping cough immunisation too! I’m half way through getting all my immunisations done in time for uni. By Friday, I should have my blood results back telling me whether I’m immune to measles-mumps-rubella, HepB, and Chicken Pox. I still need my Fluvax but I think I can get that from work. I need to go to the Royal Adelaide Hospital to see if I’m resistant to Tuberculosis.

Anyway~ just wanted to share my news about conquering my fears of needles because it’s super important to me. A lot of people know I want to be a nurse, but I don’t think they knew the lengths I would go to get there. If I can face my biggest fear head on, there’s not much else left to stop me.

2013 is the year I push my boundaries beyond their limit. I will get through this.

Monday, January 21, 2013


I don’t know how I feel entirely about the idea that there’s just one person out there perfect for you. The idea of The One kind of freaks me out, y’know? Like I’ve been wasting my time on guys who aren’t going to last because they’re not The One or some shit? Idk. That sounds crazy to me.

I mean, can’t there be varying degrees of The One?

The One who was your first; The One who taught you life’s hard lessons; The One who made you feel confident and beautiful; The One who fitted into your rebellious phase perfectly; The One who was different from the rest; The One who pushed you to try different things; The One who was only around for the sex; The One who got you through the hard times; The One you thought was The One but really wasn’t.

There can’t possibly be one person out there for you who’ll make everything perfect, can there? The One who’ll fit all of your idiosyncrasies like a glove to your malformed hand? Idk, life’s too much of an unknown variable to know these things. They say when you meet The One, you’ll know - what if I’m too stupid to know?

Friday, January 18, 2013

Here’s the thing I hate about people who hate on Valentine’s Day (V Day) because they’re single:

Valentine’s Day is a day for people to celebrate love; it is not a day for you to cry about how you’re “single and lonely.”

If your only negative connotation towards V Day is because you don’t have someone to celebrate it with, you should probably think about that for a long time. It ain’t about you, sweetheart. I hate to burst your bubble, but it’s supposed to be about celebrating your connections to the the people you love (they would be your friends and family); not about people showering you with goodies because you so happen to grace their lives with your presence.

If you’re going to be sad and lonely on V Day because you’re not getting flowers and shit from someone, you don’t deserve to celebrate it, you selfish fuck.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013


Doing origami with the housemate. Fuck you, you stupid piece of paper. WHY DON’T YOU LOOK LIKE YOU SHOULD!

I am about to be emotionally broken by a piece of paper. World, you win.

The taste of defeat is not sweet, but salty, like my tears.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Handmade sticker all the way from America!

Received my handmade “Me + Food” sticker from mariannapaige today~! I was so excited to see it in the post, and I really couldn’t believe I’d won a tumblr giveaway. Eeee, I can’t wait to find the perfect place to stick it! It came all the way from America.

Go check out her tumblr. It’s full of wonderful writing and imagery.

Friday, January 11, 2013

Personal notes on being positive and all that junk:

♥ Start small. Find at least one thing per day that you enjoyed. You’ll soon be able to list at least 5 things per day in no time.

♥ Take some serious me time. Being selfish isn’t always a bad thing. If you’re not happy with who you are, or where you’re at in life, take some time to sort yourself out.

♥ Swallow your pride every now and again. Having the last say in things, even if they’re wrong and won’t admit it, isn’t always worth it. Let it go and move on.

♥ Smile. It’ll trick your brain into thinking your happy, and then you’ll feel it.

♥ Be a little impulsive. Change is as good as a holiday, as they say, so get out there and do something without thinking about it. Go.

♥ If you’re suffering from a bout of negativity, write it all out on paper and then burn it/rip it up/throw it out/destroy it however you want. Taking out physical frustration on your written issues helps you cleanse.

♥ Cut the shit - your job; routine; family; friends; co-workers; life style; food; physical activity - whatever is making you feel like shit needs to go. It might be a little hard at first to deal with the loss, but it’ll be better for you in the long run.

♥ Fuck.

♥ The.

♥ Haters.

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

I reaaaaaaaally don't like it when people give me advice on how to handle my money.

“If you can’t afford your lifestyle on Centrelink allowances plus rent assistance, then maybe you should cut down your expenses.” Let me just outline the necessary expenses I need to pay on a fortnightly basis where all my bills land:

  • $320 rent
  • $123.70 car loan
  • $40-50 petrol
  • $120+ food
  • $73 phone bill
  • $100+ electricity/gas bill
  • $60 internet
  • $xx.xx+ left over to put in my savings for when things get tough and I need more money to cover it.

That’s roughly $830 EVERY SECOND FORTNIGHT. Excuse me, but where the fuck do you think I can make cut backs to reduce that? Get rid of the internet? Yeah, that’ll make uni work soooo easy. Reduce my phone bill? $73 is the minimum I pay if I don’t go over my cap. I cannot reduce it; I’ve already asked. Don’t eat so much? You go out and buy fruits and veggies that don’t cost a fucking fortune. I don’t wanna eat cheap packet food, so excuuuuuuuse me for wanting to be healthy. No car loan? Yes, I’ll just sell my perfectly working car and get a cheaper one that’ll break down on me, like the previous 3 cars I’ve owned. Reduce my electricity/gas bills? Hannah works for AGL so we get a discount as is. Can’t get any cheaper than that. Move back home? Not a chance in hell. There’s a legal binding contract I signed called a Lease. I’m signed on for 12 months. If I pull out of that, Hannah is fucked and I still have to pay rent until they find new tenants, however long that is.

Do not under any pretenses assume I am living beyond my means.

Do not under any pretenses assume I cannot budget.

Do not under any pretenses assume I have not worked all of this out already.

For the love of the universe, do not ever underestimate me. Do not belittle me.

You will be sorry.

Saturday, January 5, 2013


Even if I tried to erase you from my memory, I’d still find ways to remember you. The spaces between my fingers; the way your lips part to kiss; the way your body curls in bed; all those places my mind could forget but never my soul.

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Outfit of the day:

  • black leotard/bodysuit
  • denim cut off shorts
  • Sportsgirl tattoo pantyhose/tights
  • black imitation combat boots
  • blue feather accent neck chair
  • bed hair

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

What I remember from NYE.

NYE plans kind of got thrown up in the air a couple of days before the party, but we managed to pull it together. I had work until 3pm, so I was a little pressed for time since I was supposed to help set up for it. Tristan was meant to bring speakers, but failed. We managed to find some others from whoever brought them (I don’t remember (I’ll be saying that a lot.)) Rachel, Hannah and myself went to Savers and bought these fantastically cheap but ohso comfortable couches for the night. Mine was an $8 arm chair that I can’t wait to bring home and enjoy during summer!

By the time I got to the party, Rachel and Trev were already drunk. I brought a bottle of vodka to mix with coke, even though there was punch already made up. We played a round of Kings before everyone showed up so we were half cut by like 6pm. Trev wore his kigurumi, and Rachel and I were supposed to wear ours, too, but it was too fucking hot. The theme was sexy animals, but no one dressed up, haha. Looker came as a cat; super cute.

The next few moments of the night are probably in the wrong chronological order but whatever. I’m just going to write them in the order as they come to mind and however the hell I remember them, even if it’s not how it really happened.

Bradley showed up at whatever point during the night, and when we were hugging, Trev tackled us and we fell to the floor. I grazed my knee. Happens to be the second NYE where I’ve hurt my knee in the exact same spot. Gud wun.

I don’t really remember how I ended up doing what I’m about to explain, or why I even did it but yeah. Okay so I ended up somehow climbing over my arm chair from behind, and as I went to climb down from standing on top of it, I lost my balance, tried to counterbalance myself, stumbled, fell on my ass on the dinning chair next to my arm chair, and then lost my balance some more causing myself to fall to the floor and face plant it. I now have a bruise on my ass cheek the size of my hand.

Bradley legitimately broke a dinning table’s legs off and then John and Craig were dancing on top of it.
Hannah and Paschal left shortly after midnight, like Rachel and I predicted she would.

The weather was super nice, and I had to sneak inside the house to get my hoodie once I started to sober up and got cold.

Tristan was on my arm chair with Eleanor with a blankie, which was like a fucking lighthouse on fire to Bradley and Anthony, so they picked up the kiddy pool, you know those ones plastic shell ones, full of water and tipped it over them. As funny as it was, I felt bad for them. Also for my chair.

Bradley and Craig were doing some weird wrestling shit in the spare room, and I don’t know how, but Bradley managed to rip Craig’s underwear off while he was still wearing pants. They were throwing around his ripped underwear all night. Tristan also tore a hole in his. Bradley then lifted Looker up in the air by his underwear. If you didn’t know any better, you’d think Bradley likes to keep his hands in male’s underwear.
Trev lost his phone but found it in the morning. It was unharmed.

Someone broke Tristan’s bottle of scotch early in the night. He had something like two drinks before that. I went to bed with half a bottle of vodka left; woke up to find maybe enough to make two drinks out of it. Fuckers.

Almost everyone got a NYE midnight kiss.

Out of the few games of Kings I played, I got waterfall (Queen card) almost every time. I made the Kitten Ear Rule, where you have to pretend to have cat ears using your hands every time you talk, which annoyed the hell out of everyone and was super entertaining. Hannah then revoked that rule but made it so that whenever I wanted to talk, I had to do the Chicken Dance. Larry lost the first game; I lost the second; I don’t remember who lost the others.

When most of the people left, we all congregated in the spare room and had a wonderfully hilarious conversation on the incredibly weird/hideous celebrities we would fuck. I took the cake with Steve Buscemi and a few other hilarious suggestions like Donald Trump, Michael Moore, and Eddy McGuire just so I could have them on my list. Do not start a conversation of what kinds of people I would fuck because you will lose.

England tried to walk home/to town but Rachel and I managed to convince him to stay because he was drunk and we were worried. Every time he tried to leave, Rachel literally tackled him to the floor. She’s far stronger than she appears. It’s incredible.

Some other random shit but I’m too tired to think. Woteva woteva i do wot i want.

New Year's Day!

Seemed like a good day to get a Fortune Cookie. Good advice.