they say you don't know what you got 'til it's gone / / they say that your darkest hour comes before your dawn

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Bradley threw a house party for his birthday last night.

I took less than half a bottle of vanilla vodka and a 2lt bottle of coke with me. I left my camera at Rachel’s, and she forgot the battery to hers, so there are hardly any photos (unless I lurk my friends’ instagrams to find some but I cbf right now). The following order of events is not chronological:

♥ Despite my attempts to keep my alcohol hidden so no one would steal some, it still happened. At the end of the night, I went to get my bottle of vodka, and the damn thing was sitting on the kitchen table free for all because someone fished it out of my hiding spot. I give the fuck up.

♥ Loads of catching up done with Sami and Rhiannon. I was super happy to sit and chat to them.

♥ I gave up giving up cigarettes and guilt tripped Rachel into taking me to the closest servo so I could buy a packet. A packet of 26 almost didn’t make the whole night, granted I was handing them out to people who asked kindly.

♥ Quick d&m with Michael’s best friend. He’s being screwed around by someone who has no reason to treat him like that, and it irritated me. Eventually said person cut their foot, so I helped stop the bleeding but that was the extent of niceness I was giving them.

♥ We all sang Bradley happy birthday while he wanted to curl into a ball and die on his bed at midnight. He didn’t want to celebrate getting older, but fuck that shit. It was great and he hated it so much.

♥ I finally met Isaac sober. This seems to be a reoccurring thing for me - I meet someone enough times when I’m drunk that I actually become friends with them, then never see them when I’m sober, so when they add me to Facebook and see me around without alcohol, I’m totally confused. This happened to Craig, so now I photograph every encounter when I’m drunk to keep a record. And you think your memory is bad -.-

♥ Rachel went home without me but left me her house key so I could get back in since my car and bag was at hers. I didn’t end up staying the night.

♥ Larry, Frances, Harry and a few other people ran around the place with permanent markers drawing on people and sorts of shit. Then, I don’t know where it came from or who’s idea it was, they had blue face paint and were covering each other in it. They attacked everyone else as well, including Larry slapping it on my face.

♥ I got really tired really quick, but I didn’t want to go back to Rachel’s because she has white linen on her bed and I didn’t want to ruin them. Looker offered to walk with my down to Unley Road to catch a taxi to Rachel’s house. I made a deal with Looker, that if he came with me, I’d drive him home and then myself so I could sleep in my own bed.

♥ Looker and I couldn’t catch a taxi since there were none, so we walked to Rachel’s house, which took like an hour or something but it was good. He picked me a rose from a bush outside some place along our walk, haha.

♥ After dropping Looker home, I drove to my favourite lookout in Adelaide and watched the sunrise over my favourite city (above). There were no other cars there, so I just sat in silence and took in the peace and quiet. I hadn’t been up there in so long. It was beautiful!

♥ I got home around 7:30am, decided to leave the face paint on since I was so tired, and went straight to bed.

♥ I haven’t done much except for sleep most of the day. Michael came over, we got pizza and watched tv.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Nursing and Midwifery Orientation Conference Day #1

I am exhausted. 10am-5pm killed me. I am not used to starting and finishing so late. There was a whole bunch of listening today that I could have gone without. I had to sit and listen to someone talk about things I really wasn’t interested in, and then I had to sit and listen to four more people say basically the same thing again. I got the general gist of the point they were making after the first two people, I really didn’t need another three.

Lunch was provided, which made me super happy because I was worried I’d have to pay for an overpriced and extremely unhealthy meal from the cafe. I’ll either have to pack my own lunches or go back to the main campus for lunch because I sure as hell ain’t ruining my clean eating for that shit. On the plus side, I did notice they stocked alcohol in their fridges. Always handy to know that.

Alex saved me a seat but by the time I got there, the whole damn theater was already full. I was shipped off with other overflowing people to another theater where we had to watch a sub-par live stream of the original conference. People were so goddamn noisy during the presentations. I’m sorry, but I was taught that when someone’s talking, you stop and listen. It’s not that hard.

Finding my mentor was a bitch. They need flags or something to clearly identify themselves to everyone else. There was something like 400 people there today. I would have thought they’d have a better way of students finding their mentors other than just blindly searching for them amid every other person there. jfc.

I made a couple of friends, met the people who will be in my 3 week intensive workshop, and got down my mentor’s email so I can holla at him when I’m in trouble. His last name is Millhouse. MILLHOUSE. He better like The Simpsons because I won’t stop the references. I immediately said, “everything’s coming up Millhouse,” when I read his name. He took my group for a quick campus tour, which was nice because I had no idea where anything was. He also answered all my stupid dumb questions, which was also nice because I ask a lot of questions and am annoying like that.

No, but seriously: good day. Here’s to hoping that tomorrow’s even better. Idk. I am so tired. Rachel and I went shopping afterwards and were totally successful. Purchased the most perfect outfit for Michael’s cousin’s wedding in March. I am going to look cute as fuck.

Monday, February 18, 2013

.

Didn’t have my daily nap and was rudely woken up by the mailman this morning. I don’t know what’s worse: knowing it’s 10pm and I want bed, or the fact that I had to put on a woolly/cotton/whateverthefuck dressing gown this morning even though it was already like 30 degrees because answering the door in my underwear with side boob on show isn’t appropriate?

I think it’s my punctuation.

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Here’s the thing about depression:

While a person suffering from it might have it under control and live a happy normal life, there are times where they relapse and find themselves feeling uncontrollably miserable. Tonight is one of those nights for me.

I just cried to myself hard enough that my nose started bleeding.

I am trying really hard to hold it together right now, but when you open the door just a tiny bit, it’s like the feeling barges through and takes over. I know my mind is messing with me, and I keep telling myself that I’m being irrational, but I can’t help it. I can’t help the way I feel right now. It honestly feels like I am fighting against myself.

I’m just really tired of people telling me it’ll be okay in the end. What I really want is someone to admit that what I’m feeling is difficult to deal with, and while I know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, they understand why I am losing sight of it. Tell me that you know what I’m feeling is hard to deal with. Tell me that you’ll be there to help. Deal with how I’m feeling right this second, not how I’ll be fine in a couple of hours/days/weeks.

Don’t brush off how I’m feeling in hopes that reminding me of how I’ll be okay will make me feel better. All it does is make me feel like you don’t validate how I feel. If I can identify and accept the emotions I’m going through, then why can’t you?

“I understand that you are going through a rough patch. While your fears might not be rational, I understand that they are real fears to you. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed. I am here to listen. Talk to me.”

That’s all you have to say. It’s not that fucking hard. Now I’m just mad at myself.

~*~

I am so emotionally conflicted right now. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. It could be my hormones, or it could be how I really feel. I don’t know if I should wait it out because this is starting to make me feel sick and I don’t think I’d last.

Put it this way: I feel so unwanted that I don’t think you’d notice if I just stopped trying altogether.

You said I was your best friend. You don’t do this to your best friend. I might drift away from my best friends, but I always give them the time they deserve when they want it. And I’m doing something I don’t usually do - I’m talking to you first and trying desperately to keep this alive.

I haven’t felt this defeated in a really long time. You mean more to me than you realise, and I feel like I’m wasting my time on someone who doesn’t want it.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

I made vegan pancakes tonight!


Holy shit, they’re delicious. Next time I’m adding banana.

The recipe is super simple:

  • 1 cup self-raising flour
  • 1 cup soy milk
  • 1 teaspoon No Egg (mixed with 2 tablespoons water first)
  • a pinch of salt
  • Whisk
  • Fry
  • Flip
  • Eat

You’re welcome.

Tim would be so proud of me.

Friday, February 8, 2013

Making omelettes for dinner with mother and forcing her to listen to One Direction, hahahahahahahaha.