they say you don't know what you got 'til it's gone / / they say that your darkest hour comes before your dawn

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Here’s the thing about depression:

While a person suffering from it might have it under control and live a happy normal life, there are times where they relapse and find themselves feeling uncontrollably miserable. Tonight is one of those nights for me.

I just cried to myself hard enough that my nose started bleeding.

I am trying really hard to hold it together right now, but when you open the door just a tiny bit, it’s like the feeling barges through and takes over. I know my mind is messing with me, and I keep telling myself that I’m being irrational, but I can’t help it. I can’t help the way I feel right now. It honestly feels like I am fighting against myself.

I’m just really tired of people telling me it’ll be okay in the end. What I really want is someone to admit that what I’m feeling is difficult to deal with, and while I know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, they understand why I am losing sight of it. Tell me that you know what I’m feeling is hard to deal with. Tell me that you’ll be there to help. Deal with how I’m feeling right this second, not how I’ll be fine in a couple of hours/days/weeks.

Don’t brush off how I’m feeling in hopes that reminding me of how I’ll be okay will make me feel better. All it does is make me feel like you don’t validate how I feel. If I can identify and accept the emotions I’m going through, then why can’t you?

“I understand that you are going through a rough patch. While your fears might not be rational, I understand that they are real fears to you. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed. I am here to listen. Talk to me.”

That’s all you have to say. It’s not that fucking hard. Now I’m just mad at myself.

1 comment:

  1. let me tell you something about depression - it does NOT get easier, it does NOT go away, not overnight, not in 8 months, not in years. it doesnt get less scary, debilitating, or less crazy. but you my dear find ways to cope, you find ways to hide it, fight it and well mask it. i know thats not the answer you want... fuck if i had the answers i wouldnt be as fucked up as i am right now.

    but i am very good at hiding it. and that gives me a bit of strength, when you get good at hiding it eventually you cry less, you hurt less, and your head stops spinning. somedays i forget im sad fully, until at night when i go to sleep and i cry.

    i wish you luck in your journey god knows we all need that