they say you don't know what you got 'til it's gone / / they say that your darkest hour comes before your dawn

Thursday, May 2, 2013

It's been a while, and for good reason.

I've been so busy with life that I really haven't taken the time out for me - and the me that enjoys being on here. I guess, what I really want to do, is write an apology to my past self. I've been doing a lot of self-reflection since my grandma's funeral (plus, uni classes make me).

Dear Past Bianca,

I am sorry for trying to kill you all those years ago. I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough to keep your head up and your heart strong. You've always had so many wonderful, loving people around you and I kept that away from you. I'm sorry for giving up on your dreams, on yourself, and on everyone else. You didn't deserve that. You did what you thought was best for you - believe me, it's all worked out for the best - but I had such a hard time dealing with the sacrifices that were made to get here. It's been a difficult journey, and the things you've done to make my life incredible have gone unrecognised. Credit where credit is due.

You've been so stressed and anxious about being the best person you can be to support everyone else through their troubles that you haven't taken the time to be the best person you can be to yourself. When was the last time you took a solid hour out of your day to just sit? 30 minute hot showers are not enough to bring life back into your heart; it's just not. You've been so worried about making other people happy, about living up to their expectations, and your own, that you've forgotten how to take care of yourself. Consider yourself the luckiest person on Earth because if it wasn't for Michael, I don't think I'd still be sane by now. Surely I would have gone crazy in the end. After all, I could feel you fall apart, going insane slowly, but I didn't do anything. I should have seen the warning signs and done something more.

Start eating proper meals. Start sleeping proper hours of the day and night. Start practicing yoga again. Start loving yourself more, because if you can't, then no one else can. Go get your hair cut, you deserve to spoil yourself. You don't need to explain or justify why you deserve nice things all the time. You know why.

I'll take better care of you from now on. I promise.

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