they say you don't know what you got 'til it's gone / / they say that your darkest hour comes before your dawn

Monday, June 10, 2013

How not to approach women to compliment them when you are under the influence of alcohol:

My friends and I showed up to a club drunk around 4am. I wasn’t in the mood to drink or dance anymore, so my friends played pool while I watched. I had been awake since 5:30am because I had work that morning, so I was yawning and getting tired (as anyone else would).

Some dickbag from the shadows appeared and initiated a conversation about how I shouldn’t yawn because the “night is still young.” I explained to him that I had been up for almost 24 hours and that I was tired from work. Was that okay, by his standards? No, of fucking course not. He then told me I was an “almost genuine girl” or something like that - basically a backhanded compliment - and then proceeded to point to my ex and told me that he (my ex) would agree. So I told him exactly who he pointed to, to which he replied, “well that’s awkward, at least he’s not your current boyfriend.” No, you’re right because my current boyfriend was at a gig with his mates. “Well that’s awkward, I should go now…” Did he leave? Of fucking course not.

(Now, at this point I really should have said something but I was too tired to waste my breath on this dickbag and hoped that he would have left if I stopped talking to him. I just kept saying “yeah” and nodding my head - you know the kind you do when you have no idea what someone just said but you’re too nice to ask them to repeat. And that might have worked if my awesome and lovely best friend stopped taking sips from his shitty glass (I love you Rachel but you did not help))

He then kept talking about whatever - I wasn’t listening - and kept telling me that he should go now because I obviously wasn’t interested. Did he leave? NO. NO HE DID NOT. He acknowledged that I wasn’t interested, he knew I wasn’t listening, he even admitted that the right thing to do was to leave, but he didn’t. He. Kept. Fucking. Trying.

Eventually he left. Then my brother, as protective as ever, told me off for not being upfront with the dude and not telling him no straight up. Now, generally speaking, I would have said no, but I’m getting really sick and tired of assholes calling me a bitch because I gave them the “once over” and didn’t like what I saw. I was not in the mood to be offended. FUCK OFF, MATE.

So here’s my idea of how to approach a woman you find attractive when you’re intoxicated:


  1. Get your motherfucking shit together. Do not stumble over to me. Do not spill your drink on me. Do not slur your words at me. Get it to-fucking-gether.
  2. Introduce yourself nicely. “Excuse me, my name is [name] and I was wondering if I may compliment you?” is a good one. How about: “Hello, sorry for interrupting your night. My name is [name] and I would like to tell you something, if that’s okay with you?”
  3. Respect a woman’s choice if I immediately say no. I am not interested. You’re not good enough. Accept it and move the fuck on.
  4. If I say I have a boyfriend, whether truth or not, don’t call me a liar and ignore what I say. The last thing I’d want to do is fuck a guy who talks shit to me and calls me names.
  5. ASK if I would like to continue talking to you. Just because I listened to your compliment and thanked you for doing so, doesn’t not mean I am interested in whatever else you have to say. If I say yes, continue the conversation.
  6. IF I SAY NO, WALK THE FUCK AWAY. “Okay, thanks for the quick chat. I hope you have a great night. Goodbye.” End of fucking story.
  7. If I change my mind and I’m interested in you, I’ll come looking for you. I will apologise for cutting you short, but I’ll genuinely want to talk to you at this point so you better fucking take it while I’m still interested.

IT IS THAT FUCKING S I M P L E.

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