they say you don't know what you got 'til it's gone / / they say that your darkest hour comes before your dawn

Friday, September 27, 2013

22 days 21 hours 7 minutes

8 days down and I haven't had a panic attack or let my depression get the better of me. In fact, I haven't had any negative thoughts like usual, and I know it doesn't seem like a long time, but that is for me.

In addition to not letting negative thoughts get to me, I've started working out again. I'm doing the 7 minute workout challenge - 7 minutes per circuit with at least 1 circuit every day for 7 months. You work up a little bit of a sweat and get heated. I started Wednesday, skipped Thursday by mistake (also super busy but somehow couldn't spare 7 minutes?), and just completed Friday. I actually really enjoy it. It's light, it's quick, it doesn't make you all sweaty and gross, and it fits in perfectly with my life style. Tomorrow morning, I'm going to see if I can do a workout before getting ready for work. We'll see how it goes, ha!

I downloaded a HeadSpace app as well, which helps with mindfulness and meditating. It's 10 minutes worth of mediation designed to help you concentrate on the now and stop anxious thoughts about the past and/or future. I'm going to try it right before bed to see how it goes. The challenge is designed for 10 days, so I wanna give it my all.

I'm really looking forward to the next 22 days. I am really looking forward to taking back control. It feels really, really good.

Sunday, September 15, 2013

What am I doing?!

Attempting to write a 1500 word essay the night before it's due was a bad idea, and I knew it when I was procrastinating earlier this week. It's Michael's birthday tomorrow, too, and we're going out to dinner. I have $24 in my account, which means dinner will have to be super cheap because I'm clearly broke as fuck until Tuesday. I need to start picking up more hours at work but that means less time to study for uni and I'm already struggling to fit everything in! I need to make an appointment with a GP to sort out my anxiety and depression but that means medication and a) I don't have money for that, b) I am super forgetful so I'll probably miss out on taking them like you're supposed to, and c) the uni scrub crawl is in a couple of weeks and I really wanted to drink - even though I know I shouldn't because alcohol is a depressant but whatever. I wanted to have fun with all my uni friends, plus Celeste and Rachel are coming so I kind of need to keep up my end of the bargain. I've saved $100 for the night just to be sure everything is covered. Even if I started medication after scrub crawl, there's also the fact that Rachel and I have plans to travel to Bali, and all I wanted to do was party and lounge by the pool. I can't do that if I'm on medication. It's fucks up all my plans and yet it's probably the only thing that'll help control my mental issues right now. Clearly the techniques I was using aren't enough any more. Obviously if they were, I wouldn't be having such troubles like I am. I'm starting to get itchy all over which means my anxiety rash is on its way back. Mother is away in Darwin so any chances of borrowing some money from here are gone. I mean, I could take some out of my savings, but then I'd need to replace it straight away and I honestly don't think I'd be able to. Hannah's rent is paid back to me on Tuesday, but I also have the water bill and a gigantic gas bill to pay. Michael gave me some money so that's helpful, really helpful, but I'm still fucked. I have to pay for my passport as well, which is the money sitting in my savings account. And the money I have for Bali is STRICTLY off limits. It's so hard to be broke all of the time when I know I have access to money that I can't use just yet. I just need to make it through the next four months and then everything will be okay. I can move out of this house with my shitty housemate, go on a holiday and forget everything for 10 nights, then come back and start fresh. I'm gonna talk to Bella in October and see if it's okay if I move in there, otherwise living with Rachel is my only choice. And that's good and bad because I don't have to pay rent but it's so far from work that I'd be getting little sleep and spending more money on petrol. Everything is sort of going to shit right now and earning more money without increasing my hours too much would solve everything. Tomorrow, I'm going to call centrelink and see what the fuck I can do about getting some sort of assistance because I'm full time studying so I think I fucking deserve it. And if I qualify for the low income health care card, medication becomes affordable (providing it's covered) and then I don't have to worry about not being able to afford it. If I can't afford it every single month then there's no point in starting because I'm only going to rebound again and that fucked me up really bad last time.

I'm on my third cup of coffee and I started my essay two hours ago. My 20 minute break is over. It's going to be a long night and my anxiety will be tested.

Friday, September 13, 2013


Perfect music to accompany my studying session today/tonight. Downloading this song was a brilliant decision.

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Haven't done one in so long!


How did you get one of your scars?
I fell on a rock right before the countdown on NYE.

How did you celebrate your last birthday?
My 25th was spent drunk in town dancing my butt off with my amazing friends.

How are you feeling at this moment?
Pretty tired but good. Average weekend. Not looking forward to my uni assignments though.

How did your night go last night?
Last night was great! Went to a uni friend's house warming party, then watched movies with Michael.

How did you do in high school?
I didn't like high school so I just did enough to get out with my year 12 qualifications. My TER/ATAR expired when I applied for uni anyway so it doesn't matter.

How did you get the shirt you're wearing?
Hannah was throwing out clothes she doesn't wear any more.

How often do you see ur best friend?
I see them at least once a week :)

How much money did you spend last month?
TOO MUCH! Omg I'm paying for it now.

How old do you want to be when you get married?
Whatever age I'm at that I decide I want to get married.

How old will you be at your next birthday?
26. Kill me.

Your mothers name?

What did you do last weekend?
Last weekend I worked, so shit all.

What is the most important part of your life?
The time I spend with my friends + brother.

What would you rather be doing?
Relaxing with Michael instead of procrastinating.

What did you last cry over?
Anxiety attack.

What always makes you feel better when you’re upset?
Cups of tea, Michel's cuddles and reassurance, and my cat.

What’s the most important thing you look for in a significant other?
A good heart and mind.

What are you worried about?
Everything, haha!

What did you have for breakfast?
2 slices of wholemeal toast with vegemite. It took me like 15 minutes to convince Michael to make me toast and in the end he forced me to do it, haha.

Have you ever liked someone who had a girlfriend/boyfriend?
Yeah. Hello, I was a shit person.

Have you ever had your heartbroken?
A couple of times.

Have you ever been out of the country?
January 2014 will be my first time!

Have you ever done something outrageously dumb?
I do a lot of 'dumb shit' but I don't care what people think so it's okay.

Have you ever been back stabbed by a friend?
Eh. Shit people are shit.

Have you ever had sex on the beach?
No. I imagine sand would get in places you don't want.

Have you ever dated someone younger than you?
Michael is two years younger than me so there's that.

Have you ever read an entire book in one day?
Harry Potter, duh!

Who was the last person you saw?
Hannah since she happens to be home.

Who was the last person you texted?
Michael, like every other day, haha.

Who was the last person you hungout with?
I was with Michael this morning. Hannah and I are in separate rooms.

Who was the last person to call you?
Shit. No idea.

Who did you last hug?
Michael, when I left his house.

Who is the last person who texted you?

Who was the las person you said "i love you" to?


Where does your best friend live?
Adelaide and one in NZ.

Where did you last go?
Michael's house to home.

Where did you last hang out?
Michael's house.

Where do you go to school?
St Mary's College.

Where is your favorite place to be?
Near the beach!

Where did you sleep last night?
Michael's bed.

Do you like someone right now?
Love, obvs.

Do you think anyone likes you?
Michael loves me back, even if I make him eat his own boogers ;)

Do you ever wish you were someone else?
Never. Fuck that shit.

Do you know the muffin man?
Who lives down on Drury Lane?

Does the future scare you?
Sometimes it gets so overwhelming. I'm getting better at letting that shit unfold on its own.

Why are you best friends with your best friend(s)?
Because they're the best people I know. When I think of the future in like 30 years, those people are still there.

Why did you start a blog?
Because I always had diaries as a child, and writing is therapeutic for me.

Why did your parents give you the name you have?
Mother just likes it.

Why are you doing this survey?

If you could have one super power what would it be??
Telekinesis. Would make being lazy so much easier.

If you could go back in time and change one thing, would you?
No way in hell.

If u were stranded on a deserted island and could bring 1 thing what would you bring?
A mirror. Not to look at myself, but to reflect light and use it to catch the attention of people passing by.

Would you ever get back together with any of your ex’s if they asked you?

Would you ever shave your head to save someone you love?
I think about shaving it all off all the time. Wearing wigs would be so much better then doing my hair every day.

Are you happy with your life right now?
Everything will be worth it in another two years.