they say you don't know what you got 'til it's gone / / they say that your darkest hour comes before your dawn

Sunday, September 15, 2013

What am I doing?!

Attempting to write a 1500 word essay the night before it's due was a bad idea, and I knew it when I was procrastinating earlier this week. It's Michael's birthday tomorrow, too, and we're going out to dinner. I have $24 in my account, which means dinner will have to be super cheap because I'm clearly broke as fuck until Tuesday. I need to start picking up more hours at work but that means less time to study for uni and I'm already struggling to fit everything in! I need to make an appointment with a GP to sort out my anxiety and depression but that means medication and a) I don't have money for that, b) I am super forgetful so I'll probably miss out on taking them like you're supposed to, and c) the uni scrub crawl is in a couple of weeks and I really wanted to drink - even though I know I shouldn't because alcohol is a depressant but whatever. I wanted to have fun with all my uni friends, plus Celeste and Rachel are coming so I kind of need to keep up my end of the bargain. I've saved $100 for the night just to be sure everything is covered. Even if I started medication after scrub crawl, there's also the fact that Rachel and I have plans to travel to Bali, and all I wanted to do was party and lounge by the pool. I can't do that if I'm on medication. It's fucks up all my plans and yet it's probably the only thing that'll help control my mental issues right now. Clearly the techniques I was using aren't enough any more. Obviously if they were, I wouldn't be having such troubles like I am. I'm starting to get itchy all over which means my anxiety rash is on its way back. Mother is away in Darwin so any chances of borrowing some money from here are gone. I mean, I could take some out of my savings, but then I'd need to replace it straight away and I honestly don't think I'd be able to. Hannah's rent is paid back to me on Tuesday, but I also have the water bill and a gigantic gas bill to pay. Michael gave me some money so that's helpful, really helpful, but I'm still fucked. I have to pay for my passport as well, which is the money sitting in my savings account. And the money I have for Bali is STRICTLY off limits. It's so hard to be broke all of the time when I know I have access to money that I can't use just yet. I just need to make it through the next four months and then everything will be okay. I can move out of this house with my shitty housemate, go on a holiday and forget everything for 10 nights, then come back and start fresh. I'm gonna talk to Bella in October and see if it's okay if I move in there, otherwise living with Rachel is my only choice. And that's good and bad because I don't have to pay rent but it's so far from work that I'd be getting little sleep and spending more money on petrol. Everything is sort of going to shit right now and earning more money without increasing my hours too much would solve everything. Tomorrow, I'm going to call centrelink and see what the fuck I can do about getting some sort of assistance because I'm full time studying so I think I fucking deserve it. And if I qualify for the low income health care card, medication becomes affordable (providing it's covered) and then I don't have to worry about not being able to afford it. If I can't afford it every single month then there's no point in starting because I'm only going to rebound again and that fucked me up really bad last time.

I'm on my third cup of coffee and I started my essay two hours ago. My 20 minute break is over. It's going to be a long night and my anxiety will be tested.

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