they say you don't know what you got 'til it's gone / / they say that your darkest hour comes before your dawn

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Almost there!

Today was my first day of placement for second semester. I was hoping for something other than aged care but beggars can't be choosers, as my mother would've said. It was great, don't get me wrong, I mean I could have got something worse, but it was exactly like a day at work. No, I lied. It wasn't - it was easier. I'm rather disappointed but it was the first day so fingers crossed it picks up and I get to do some actual nursing or I'm going to complain. I emailed the placement department about a possible exclusion from this placement if it is aged care based (y'know, because I already work in aged care?) and I was told no one is exempt because it's not an aged care based placement. And I wouldn't have been mad and disappointed with my placement had I been placed elsewhere. Fuck it. I'm first year. I can't say shit. I should just be happy that I got a placement on the days I elected unlike other people. Plus, because I'm experienced, I'll get a better review and mark for my placement because I actually know what I'm doing. This is my time to shine. Silver lining, Bianca.

Money's about to get really tight. I just need to keep my mentality focused on the prize at the end of the year. I spoke to Bella and formally asked if it was okay that I moved in, even though Trev already asked and she's cool with it. I just wanted to ask myself because I felt like I was imposing. I feel a hell of a lot more comfortable moving in knowing that I asked myself. Bella wanted to get another cat, so Ichigo moving in is a bonus for her! I get my own room, and Trev is clearing a space and desk in the study for me... I can't even thank those two enough for doing so much for me. I'm really looking forward to it! Like super duper excited. Trev's house is closer to the beach, the room is smaller but there's better natural lighting, I get two more pets, the shopping centre is a 5 minute walk and has everything I need (literally), no more paying rent, AND it's right in the middle of uni and work so no fussing about changing my routine too much! Different roads to drive but nonetheless - I'm happy! There's also a dishwasher so I never have to hand wash my dishes again, and for someone who likes to cook, that is a gift from the universe. I can't wait to redecorate my room! New furniture, new decorations, new linen, and because the room and wardrobe are small, I have to cull all of the useless clutter I've been holding on it for like two years. Purging myself of everything I don't need will be good for me! I'll be able to start 2014 as a new person. It'll be the first year I'll work NYE and New Years Day, which sucks but whatever. Hello public holiday rate~ I'll have to move houses slowly during January because I'M GOING TO BALI three days before my lease at this house runs up. Perfect timing! I get to leave everything behind and come back to start fresh. How awesome is that!

I'm sorry for the poor writing style today but I just can't be bothered. I'm really not in the mood for editing my thoughts too much. I just needed to write...

4 days 23 hours 8 minutes.

Less than a week left. I honestly cannot believe it. I never ever thought I'd be able to keep myself together but look at me now! I've even had bad enough days that I wanted to break down and lose it but I didn't. I kept myself grounded and focused and I've never felt the way I do right now. This is the beginning that I needed all those years ago when I first tried to recover. Maybe I won't need the medication after all! I could actually cry out of happiness at that idea. I might be able to live a normal and healthy life just like everyone else. I might be able to pull off being "normal" all on my own. 17 year old me wanted to die. 22 year old me wanted to give up on everything and run away. 25 year old me is here to fucking stay and kick life's ass. It's taken me a really long time to get to where I am, mentally, and I'm really proud of myself. I previously posted about how being uneasy felt like something was banging inside of my chest, and I can happily say that instead of that, I feel like there's something floating about inside my chest that makes me feel really good. I could float away on happiness right now. I don't even remember that last time I felt that. I don't think I ever have, and that's sad.

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