they say you don't know what you got 'til it's gone / / they say that your darkest hour comes before your dawn

Friday, December 26, 2014

Dreams are more real than reality itself, they're closer to the self. ~ Gao Xingjian

I had another dream my boyfriend cheated on me. I don’t even remember how I found out but I’m pretty sure friends hinted at it and then I eventually saw him with another girl myself. At first he was really upset and sorry that he had done it and wanted me to stay with him because he loved me. Then while I was getting all of his things together to kick him out of my life, the girl he was cheating on me showed up and started kissing him. The truth came out and he admitted that he didn’t care I was leaving him because he loved her and it was never about me. I remember hitting him so hard across the head I tore out earrings he was wearing and threw them on the road. The way he kissed her was the way he used to kiss me and I flew into a frenzy. Before they walked out of my life, I yelled down the drive way “the funny thing about some sexually transmitted infections is that you don’t always know when you have one” (no idea what that's even about?). He left me for some tall skinny 16 year old girl who was wearing a white crop top and black tight-as-fuck leggings. Knowing he didn’t love me any more made the whole thing 10 times easier and for once when I woke up I wasn’t sad or angry. I was relived it was over.

I did some "research" on what cheating dreams mean and it's all about lack of trust and insecurities. I can see why I would wake up furious and sad, and I can certainly see why I didn't wake up feeling that way this time. Couple days before Christmas we had a massive fight and I told him I needed a break from us. For the first time since I started having these dreams, I woke up indifferent. Probably because I voiced my unhappiness about the lack of trust we have. I always said if we were going to break up it would be due to circumstances and not because we don't love each other. There is love, it's just not enough right now. In a couple of weeks I'll see how I feel. I'm still pretty damn upset about what's happened to us and time apart is exactly what we need right now.

Thursday, December 25, 2014

Red coat with white collar and cuffs.

It's Christmas Day and I'm currently sitting in an empty house, on the couch, with my onesie half-butoned. It's too hot to wear it done up, but it's too cold to wear anything else. I'm comfortable being half-half. I thought I'd be sadder and more heartbroken today than I am. I've filled my day with people right from the moment I woke up. Being alone right now isn't so bad.

Lucky I'm half introverted.

Sometimes I need to be around people to feel like my self. Other times I need quiet time and space. Depression means I have to be around people to stop my mind from being cruel. Anxiety means I need alone time because other people can be overwhelming. I'll be 27 next year and I still haven't worked out how to balance it. Maybe this is the perfect balance?

Two days ago, I told my boyfriend of five and a half years that I need a break from him. If we can make it through this, in five months we'll have been together six years. If we don't, he's only worth 5.5% of my life. Using statistics is my way of dealing with it. 5.5% of my life isn't much at all. I could live to 100 years old. This is but a drop in the ocean of a life time.

I've never been the type to believe in age related mile stones - 'X things you should do before you're 25.' I don't like the time constraints and pressure to perform. I will do things when I'm ready. I have to do them on my own terms. Explains why I'm usually late for just about everything. I trod along in life at my own pace, and I don't like it when people rush me or slow me down. It took me six years from graduating high school to finally begin university. I knew if I had tried six years ago I would have failed. Waiting until I was ready was the best thing.

I start my third year of university in a couple of weeks. That's sooner than ever before. Semester usually goes back in March. Changes to the curriculum means I start in January and have my usual two-month break during March-April. I am rushed and it makes me anxious. I don't have to buy textbooks but I need stationary. Fingers crossed Boxing Day sales are kind and I can buy cute notebooks for my final year on the cheap side. I went generic the first two years to save money and not feel wasteful. Next year I want the cute notebooks, the nice pencil case, pens with flowing ink, and organisation that keeps me motivated. If it appears boring, I think it is. I intend to change that next year.

It doesn't feel like Christmas.

Saturday, December 20, 2014

My mother found my sewing kit.

It's been roughly 5 years since I received my sewing machine for my birthday and Christmas. Once I moved out of home, I lost my sewing kit with all my tools and because I was too poor, I couldn't replace it. Then the box with my machine was put away and it collected dust.

Until recently.

It's summer and I'm really keen on creating some one-off pieces of my own instead of buying things from retail stores. The first real injury I remember receiving was one nasty gash I made on my left knuckle with the unpick when I was around 5 years old. I've been playing with fabrics and sewing since I can remember. My mother used to make my brother and I clothes. My grandmother was a pro at crochet and knitting. It's in my family to be creative with fabrics. I've always been naturally gifted with my hands; not that I ever do anything with them.

Friday, December 19, 2014

Resurrection.

The last time I updated this page was almost a year ago. January 4th. I've changed blog names. I don't have a real reason except I felt like it. I spent too long writing angry and negative posts. I will probably still continue that. I'm trying to change. Trying.

2014 has been a quick yet long year. I finished second year of nursing at uni. I finished with a gpa of 5.53 which is enough to do honours if I choose (you need at least 5.5). I still have 2015 to increase my gpa. I'd love to graduate with 6+ but it's not a disappointment if I don't. What I achieved this year is incredible. It's more than enough. 5.5 was the only goal I set for the entire year. I stopped going to gym, I worried less about my weight and fat percentage, and I gave in with looking 100% all the time. I'm happy with that.

I use the hemingwayapp.com to help turn me into a better writer. I struggle staying concise and objective. It's difficult when life is a subjective experience. I want to fill my writing with descriptions and details and personal ideas but that doesn't always make for a better writer. It's fluff.

I've set up many blogs all with the same aim - write every day. I start off well but then it fails for various reasons. I'm forgetful. I'm tired. I don't know what to write about. I'm not in the mood. I don't have time. Reasons upon reasons but no real block. Sometimes I think I just look for reasons not to write. And sometimes I start a post but then I'm easily distracted. Or I can't find the right music to listen to.

A previous post has all those details. And like clockwork, I left this post in the middle of writing to live life and doing things with my day. I started it a couple days ago and now I'm finishing it off. It's Friday 10pm and I have work tomorrow. I should get to bed but Criminal Minds is on so... No.