they say you don't know what you got 'til it's gone / / they say that your darkest hour comes before your dawn

Friday, December 26, 2014

Dreams are more real than reality itself, they're closer to the self. ~ Gao Xingjian

I had another dream my boyfriend cheated on me. I don’t even remember how I found out but I’m pretty sure friends hinted at it and then I eventually saw him with another girl myself. At first he was really upset and sorry that he had done it and wanted me to stay with him because he loved me. Then while I was getting all of his things together to kick him out of my life, the girl he was cheating on me showed up and started kissing him. The truth came out and he admitted that he didn’t care I was leaving him because he loved her and it was never about me. I remember hitting him so hard across the head I tore out earrings he was wearing and threw them on the road. The way he kissed her was the way he used to kiss me and I flew into a frenzy. Before they walked out of my life, I yelled down the drive way “the funny thing about some sexually transmitted infections is that you don’t always know when you have one” (no idea what that's even about?). He left me for some tall skinny 16 year old girl who was wearing a white crop top and black tight-as-fuck leggings. Knowing he didn’t love me any more made the whole thing 10 times easier and for once when I woke up I wasn’t sad or angry. I was relived it was over.

I did some "research" on what cheating dreams mean and it's all about lack of trust and insecurities. I can see why I would wake up furious and sad, and I can certainly see why I didn't wake up feeling that way this time. Couple days before Christmas we had a massive fight and I told him I needed a break from us. For the first time since I started having these dreams, I woke up indifferent. Probably because I voiced my unhappiness about the lack of trust we have. I always said if we were going to break up it would be due to circumstances and not because we don't love each other. There is love, it's just not enough right now. In a couple of weeks I'll see how I feel. I'm still pretty damn upset about what's happened to us and time apart is exactly what we need right now.

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