they say you don't know what you got 'til it's gone / / they say that your darkest hour comes before your dawn

Thursday, December 25, 2014

Red coat with white collar and cuffs.

It's Christmas Day and I'm currently sitting in an empty house, on the couch, with my onesie half-butoned. It's too hot to wear it done up, but it's too cold to wear anything else. I'm comfortable being half-half. I thought I'd be sadder and more heartbroken today than I am. I've filled my day with people right from the moment I woke up. Being alone right now isn't so bad.

Lucky I'm half introverted.

Sometimes I need to be around people to feel like my self. Other times I need quiet time and space. Depression means I have to be around people to stop my mind from being cruel. Anxiety means I need alone time because other people can be overwhelming. I'll be 27 next year and I still haven't worked out how to balance it. Maybe this is the perfect balance?

Two days ago, I told my boyfriend of five and a half years that I need a break from him. If we can make it through this, in five months we'll have been together six years. If we don't, he's only worth 5.5% of my life. Using statistics is my way of dealing with it. 5.5% of my life isn't much at all. I could live to 100 years old. This is but a drop in the ocean of a life time.

I've never been the type to believe in age related mile stones - 'X things you should do before you're 25.' I don't like the time constraints and pressure to perform. I will do things when I'm ready. I have to do them on my own terms. Explains why I'm usually late for just about everything. I trod along in life at my own pace, and I don't like it when people rush me or slow me down. It took me six years from graduating high school to finally begin university. I knew if I had tried six years ago I would have failed. Waiting until I was ready was the best thing.

I start my third year of university in a couple of weeks. That's sooner than ever before. Semester usually goes back in March. Changes to the curriculum means I start in January and have my usual two-month break during March-April. I am rushed and it makes me anxious. I don't have to buy textbooks but I need stationary. Fingers crossed Boxing Day sales are kind and I can buy cute notebooks for my final year on the cheap side. I went generic the first two years to save money and not feel wasteful. Next year I want the cute notebooks, the nice pencil case, pens with flowing ink, and organisation that keeps me motivated. If it appears boring, I think it is. I intend to change that next year.

It doesn't feel like Christmas.

No comments:

Post a Comment