It's Christmas Day and I'm currently sitting in an empty house, on the couch, with my onesie half-butoned. It's too hot to wear it done up, but it's too cold to wear anything else. I'm comfortable being half-half. I thought I'd be sadder and more heartbroken today than I am. I've filled my day with people right from the moment I woke up. Being alone right now isn't so bad.
Lucky I'm half introverted.
Sometimes I need to be around people to feel like my self. Other times I need quiet time and space. Depression means I have to be around people to stop my mind from being cruel. Anxiety means I need alone time because other people can be overwhelming. I'll be 27 next year and I still haven't worked out how to balance it. Maybe this is the perfect balance?
Two days ago, I told my boyfriend of five and a half years that I need a break from him. If we can make it through this, in five months we'll have been together six years. If we don't, he's only worth 5.5% of my life. Using statistics is my way of dealing with it. 5.5% of my life isn't much at all. I could live to 100 years old. This is but a drop in the ocean of a life time.
I've never been the type to believe in age related mile stones - 'X things you should do before you're 25.' I don't like the time constraints and pressure to perform. I will do things when I'm ready. I have to do them on my own terms. Explains why I'm usually late for just about everything. I trod along in life at my own pace, and I don't like it when people rush me or slow me down. It took me six years from graduating high school to finally begin university. I knew if I had tried six years ago I would have failed. Waiting until I was ready was the best thing.
I start my third year of university in a couple of weeks. That's sooner than ever before. Semester usually goes back in March. Changes to the curriculum means I start in January and have my usual two-month break during March-April. I am rushed and it makes me anxious. I don't have to buy textbooks but I need stationary. Fingers crossed Boxing Day sales are kind and I can buy cute notebooks for my final year on the cheap side. I went generic the first two years to save money and not feel wasteful. Next year I want the cute notebooks, the nice pencil case, pens with flowing ink, and organisation that keeps me motivated. If it appears boring, I think it is. I intend to change that next year.
It doesn't feel like Christmas.