they say you don't know what you got 'til it's gone / / they say that your darkest hour comes before your dawn

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

you wanna talk? okay fine.

when you added all those girls in december, it made me feel like you couldn't wait to fill the void with other girls. it made me feel like you were purposely trying to piss me off or make me jealous. it made me feel like you thought you could just replace me.
when you said you didn't remember why you did it, it made me feel like you didn't even think about me at that point, that adding random girls even tho you wanted to save our relationship felt like the right thing to do instead of deleting their requests.
when you said 'I didn't cheat on you' it makes me feel like you don't understand why adding random girls even tho you wanted to save our relationship is not the right fucking thing to do. it makes me feel like you missed the point.
when you started today's conversation with "way to crush me" instead of actually asking me about it first, it made me feel like you jumped down my throat for something that isn't wrong of me to do. you lashed out at me first. it makes me feel like you took what I said without considering the context. all of it was a fucking joke.
when you said you just wanted to be open with me, it made me feel like you were looking to blame and guilt trip me for something I hadn't actually done. you didn't bother to ask me if I had actually swiped right on anyone. you didn't bother to consider that when I tweeted about hating everyone, I literally swiped left on every. single. person.
when you ask what you should think about in relation to your behaviour, it makes me feel like you don't actually think about anything you do before doing it. it makes me feel like you honestly believe you've never done anything wrong. it makes me feel like you think I'm making a big deal out of nothing. it makes me feel like you can't see beyond the effects of your decisions on yourself. it makes me think that you don't think the things you do or say affect me. 
when you asked why I brought up something from before our break up, it made me feel like you were deflecting my question. it made me feel like you're making excuses. it makes me feel like you want to fix us without actually looking back at the problems we had in our relationship. it makes me feel like you think you can say you're sorry and it's okay? like I'm just going to let go of it and move on?
when you say you want to start building our relationship again, it makes me feel like you don't even know why we broke up in the first place.
when you say things like 'I don't even think about drugs or alcohol anymore' it makes me feel like you don't understand that our break up was about more than just that.
when you forget to realise that you lied and deceived me for an ENTIRE YEAR while you had a SECRET drug habit, it makes me feel like you miss the point completely. it makes me feel like you don't even see what else you did that was wrong. it makes me feel like you don't understand how LYING to me for an ENTIRE FUCKING YEAR damages a relationship.
when I had panic attacks because I thought something was wrong in our relationship and you told me things were perfectly fine, it made me feel like I couldn't trust myself. and when you continued to lie to me and made me trust your fucking lies over my own instinct, it fucked me up. because of the way you DECEIVED me for an ENTIRE YEAR, I can't trust the way I feel about anything. am I having another panic attack or something seriously going on behind the scenes? I don't know any more. I can't fucking trust anything when it comes to you. 
when you do this shit, it makes me feel like you honestly don't understand a thing.
when you don't actually answer my questions, it makes me feel like you don't actually want to talk about anything. it makes me feel like you don't want to explore why you were such a shitty person to me before we broke up. it makes me feel like you don't want to admit you did some super shitty things and just because you've changed you don't have to deal with those things any more.

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Sunday, March 15, 2015

this is where I leave you.

Judd : Three months ago I had a great job and a nice apartment and I was in love with my wife.
Penny : No, you weren't.
Judd : No?
Penny : No. She was sleeping with somebody else for a year and you never noticed... How in love could you have been?
Judd : Yep... That's fair.
this got me thinking last night. maybe I didn't pay enough attention? maybe I didn't love you? and then I realised something - I did notice. I loved you so much I flew into panic attacks and asked if everything was okay. I knew it wasn't. I knew something was wrong. You comforted me with lies. 'everything is fine. we're perfect'. you might not have cheated on me but the lines still ring true. I fucking noticed and you didn't love me enough to give me the truth I deserved. and now I'll never know if I can completely trust you again. I know you miss me. I know you love me. I just don't feel it. from you or towards you.

I am so fucking hurt that chips on the beach and a chat won't fix this. I don't know how to fix it and I don't know if it's even possible. what if I can't let it go? are we really destined to let this ruin us completely?

Monday, March 9, 2015

how did I end up this confused about something I was so sure of only months ago?

you keep asking me when we'll know that things are okay. how we will know if we've gotten through the worst and can go back to being together. and truth be told, I don't know. I honestly do not know. I want to say soon but time frames like that are so subjective and I've always been the kind to be objective. I can't give you a definite date. I don't know if I'll ever be able to get over this. within the last almost three weeks you've asked me twice. maybe it'll only take a few more weeks? maybe it'll take a few months? maybe a year? maybe never? I spent an entire year convincing myself that my anxiety was out of control. I asked you if things were okay and every single time you lied and told me it was fine. you reassured me nothing was wrong. I trusted you. you once cheated on me and it took me almost two years to learn to trust you again. and I gave you everything. I gave you my all. I even said I was excited to get married. you fucked me up once and I let you get away with it. I never thought you would have hurt me again. I honestly thought you'd never do anything to jeopardise our relationship. but you did. and now I don't know if I can trust you and I don't know if I can trust myself and that terrifies me. I can't trust myself and the way I feel any more. do I want things to work out and be okay? yes. but just because I want that, it doesn't mean everything will work out okay. I will never be able to find the words to accurately describe how traumatic this has been for me. I still cry whenever I think about how much you've lied to me, about how often you deceived me and how many times I brushed off my instinct as anxiety. and if I keep confusing instinct for anxiety because you made me believe that, then how do I know if I really love you as much as I think I do? how do I know the love you say you have for me is real? do you really love me or do you just want me there? how could you manipulate me like that? how could you purposefully make me believe things that weren't true? how can you honestly expect me to take anything you say seriously? how do I know you're not tricking me again? do you see how fucked up I am? you have ruined me. again.

it will be okay... won't it?
I don't know. maybe I should flip a coin?

Monday, February 23, 2015

I have written the same damn text message 20 times over but I still can't press send.

my boyfriend and I broke up. and no matter how angry I felt before or how hurt I was it doesn't take away the longing pain I feel without him. I have never wanted to talk to him so desperately until this moment. it kills me. all I want to do is say I'm sorry for hurting him and make sure he's okay and he's not lonely or sad or feeling unwanted. that's the last thing I want. it hasn't even been a week and I'm terrified I've made things worse. and I'm not entirely sure I feel better off without him. I was angry and I was hurt but now I just feel like there's a giant part of me missing. as cliche as that sounds - it's true. I keep thinking about him alone in his new apartment with his new job and all I can do is cry. he did what I asked and I still left. I knew at times I could be heartless but I never knew I could cut so deep.

Thursday, February 5, 2015

- acquaintances

so there's this person I used to have mild contact with that always sought out ways to make me angry or jealous or hurt for no apparent reason. and whenever I brought up their behaviour, they always denied it saying I was taking things personally and overreacting. I stumbled upon their instagram today and I did what anyone would have done and just looked through their photos (because it's public and if you didn't want me to see them you would have blocked me, let's be real here). this person once posted a photo intentionally aimed to make me jealous back when we were communicating. when I looked through their photos today, I noticed it had been deleted. this photo was posted something like two years ago. it stayed on their instagram for a long time because it would frequently come up in conversations. I called them out on it back then, they denied it like usual, but now it's gone. maybe it's their new relationship and they no longer have a reason to make me jealous. maybe it's because they're finally over whatever happened back then and it no longer matters. I just find it interesting that someone went to great lengths to hurt me once upon a time, detailing how that photo meant so much to them, to have it deleted like it never happened.

and in some weird way, I feel a great sense of satisfaction because I knew what was really going on the whole time. I was right. feels a bit like closure. almost. 

Monday, January 26, 2015


when I ask
what's wrong with us?
I don't ask
because I know
I ask
because I want to hear
you say it.

Things aren't okay in our relationship and no matter how many times we talk it out it feels like it never quite sinks in with you. You get it for about 3 days and then it's immediately back to where we started. I'm not angry for surprise reasons. I'm angry for the same reason I've been angry for the past almost six years. This isn't new anger. This isn't a new behaviour. I'm always angry when it happens. Six years later and we're still fighting over the same crap. Everything was going so well, and it still bloody can, but you've got to stop acting like you were before. It's your past behaviour I'm not happy with. Stop doing the same old shit. Stop making me angry for the same reasons. Why is that so hard for you to see? FYI you not doing anything is exactly the reason I'm mad. You were supposed to have done something. Two days in a row I was let down. T W O. I am angry and I am disappointed. You don't factor me in any more. And when you do, it's clearly a half-assed attempt at prioritising me. I'm only important when doing something benefits you too. You will never do something for me if you gain nothing in return. There always has to be a win in it for you. Even when you're thinking of me, you're really thinking of yourself.

Thursday, January 15, 2015

r e m i n i s c e

I re-read old posts every now and again. I'm not sure why. Suppose I want to see how much has changed? I should be studying but I need to take a break. I'm currently sitting at my desk in track pants covered in cat hair and a sports bra. I'm drinking "forest fruits" tea and it's 9:45pm on a Thursday. And sometimes I re-read old posts other people have written. Maybe it's not because I want to see how much they've changed, but to see how much I've changed? Those posts don't make me feel the same way. I remember how I used to feel and I'm confused I ever felt that way. What did anger achieve?

I felt threatened. I worried someone was going to take away my happiness. That made me mad. That hurt me. That made me jealous. You can see it in my writing but I refused to admit it. I brushed it off as envy, like that was better. It wasn't. My behaviour was out of control and I thought rationalising it made it acceptable. I had valid reasons to worry, but that does not excuse my behaviour. Instead of becoming mad and jealous, I should have communicated my feelings. Sorted it out right then and there. I came here, wrote horrible posts, then washed myself of accountability. I blamed other people.

When I think about why my relationship has communication problems, it's no wonder. I hid behind a computer screen like a keyboard warrior. And my boyfriend hid behind his too. I should have done self-reflection and discussed why I felt that way. What was it about that situation that made me jealous? What did jealousy achieve? How could I process my feelings so I no longer felt jealous? At the time, I thought breaking up with my boyfriend was the best option. And in some regards, it was. It gave me time to consider whether being in that relationship was good for me. It gave me time to sort through my jealousy. It also gave him time to realise that ignoring my jealousy wasn't the answer. What should have happened is a conversation where we could explore what happened. That didn't happen. We got back together; I swallowed my pride. Jealousy wasn't what I felt. Smug became my replacement feeling. I chose to see it as "I have what you want and you can't touch my happiness ner ner ner." Because that was the mature thing to do.

I've done a lot of growing up in that time. I'm no longer smug or jealous. I learnt to work through those emotions. On my own. His behaviour didn't alter. He continued to do what he'd always done. I just got better at dealing with it. And in some ways, more than I would like to admit, that has hindered my relationship. I stopped trying to communicate with my partner and I just built a tougher shell. I made it difficult for people to get a rise out of me. Now, it's hard for people to tell when something upsets me. I don't talk about it. I feel it, I process, I move on. I don't tell people I'm upset. I don't tell them how they could prevent themselves from upsetting me. I don't tell them that it's okay for it to happen providing we work through it.

I felt too much before. Now I don't feel enough. And then I explode and feel too much.

Monday, January 12, 2015

• h o p e f u l •

My boyfriend and I have been on again off again fighting lately. It's exhausting and upsetting. We recently agreed that we need to stop becoming mad with each other so quickly. We've made plans for a lunch date on Friday and I'm excited. This is an opportunity for us to be polite and kind to each other, while the public outing reduces the likelihood of an argument occurring.

No one knows I'm using this blog again. They're aware it exists, but I stopped using it a couple years ago when I changed to tumblr. I feel like I can publish what I want here without judgement. And I've always been more personal and open here than tumblr. I enjoy that I can come back here and honestly say what I need to get out.

I'm hopeful for all the changes that are happening this year. Final year of university. Six years with my boyfriend. Applying for my graduate nursing programs. Returning to gym and getting fit (again). My relationship working out and becoming a stronger couple. My boyfriend's plans to study also. One of my best friends is moving overseas and I'm excited to see her journey. One of my other best friends is coming to visit in a month.

2015 looks wonderful.

Sunday, January 11, 2015

I took one of those ColourQuiz personality things.

"Demands to be noticed by others as an important individual, needs attention and recognition. her current situation is leaving her dissatisfied. she feels she needs to make friends with those who hold the same high standards she does. Wants to stand out as someone at the top of her class and be admired by others. she needs to feel in control which makes it difficult to give of herself to another person. she feels isolated and alone but refuses to appear weak and continues to be emotionally distant from others in order to keep her attitude of superiority. "