they say you don't know what you got 'til it's gone / / they say that your darkest hour comes before your dawn

Monday, January 26, 2015

question.

when I ask
what's wrong with us?
I don't ask
because I know
I ask
because I want to hear
you say it.

Things aren't okay in our relationship and no matter how many times we talk it out it feels like it never quite sinks in with you. You get it for about 3 days and then it's immediately back to where we started. I'm not angry for surprise reasons. I'm angry for the same reason I've been angry for the past almost six years. This isn't new anger. This isn't a new behaviour. I'm always angry when it happens. Six years later and we're still fighting over the same crap. Everything was going so well, and it still bloody can, but you've got to stop acting like you were before. It's your past behaviour I'm not happy with. Stop doing the same old shit. Stop making me angry for the same reasons. Why is that so hard for you to see? FYI you not doing anything is exactly the reason I'm mad. You were supposed to have done something. Two days in a row I was let down. T W O. I am angry and I am disappointed. You don't factor me in any more. And when you do, it's clearly a half-assed attempt at prioritising me. I'm only important when doing something benefits you too. You will never do something for me if you gain nothing in return. There always has to be a win in it for you. Even when you're thinking of me, you're really thinking of yourself.

Thursday, January 15, 2015

r e m i n i s c e

I re-read old posts every now and again. I'm not sure why. Suppose I want to see how much has changed? I should be studying but I need to take a break. I'm currently sitting at my desk in track pants covered in cat hair and a sports bra. I'm drinking "forest fruits" tea and it's 9:45pm on a Thursday. And sometimes I re-read old posts other people have written. Maybe it's not because I want to see how much they've changed, but to see how much I've changed? Those posts don't make me feel the same way. I remember how I used to feel and I'm confused I ever felt that way. What did anger achieve?

I felt threatened. I worried someone was going to take away my happiness. That made me mad. That hurt me. That made me jealous. You can see it in my writing but I refused to admit it. I brushed it off as envy, like that was better. It wasn't. My behaviour was out of control and I thought rationalising it made it acceptable. I had valid reasons to worry, but that does not excuse my behaviour. Instead of becoming mad and jealous, I should have communicated my feelings. Sorted it out right then and there. I came here, wrote horrible posts, then washed myself of accountability. I blamed other people.

When I think about why my relationship has communication problems, it's no wonder. I hid behind a computer screen like a keyboard warrior. And my boyfriend hid behind his too. I should have done self-reflection and discussed why I felt that way. What was it about that situation that made me jealous? What did jealousy achieve? How could I process my feelings so I no longer felt jealous? At the time, I thought breaking up with my boyfriend was the best option. And in some regards, it was. It gave me time to consider whether being in that relationship was good for me. It gave me time to sort through my jealousy. It also gave him time to realise that ignoring my jealousy wasn't the answer. What should have happened is a conversation where we could explore what happened. That didn't happen. We got back together; I swallowed my pride. Jealousy wasn't what I felt. Smug became my replacement feeling. I chose to see it as "I have what you want and you can't touch my happiness ner ner ner." Because that was the mature thing to do.

I've done a lot of growing up in that time. I'm no longer smug or jealous. I learnt to work through those emotions. On my own. His behaviour didn't alter. He continued to do what he'd always done. I just got better at dealing with it. And in some ways, more than I would like to admit, that has hindered my relationship. I stopped trying to communicate with my partner and I just built a tougher shell. I made it difficult for people to get a rise out of me. Now, it's hard for people to tell when something upsets me. I don't talk about it. I feel it, I process, I move on. I don't tell people I'm upset. I don't tell them how they could prevent themselves from upsetting me. I don't tell them that it's okay for it to happen providing we work through it.

I felt too much before. Now I don't feel enough. And then I explode and feel too much.

Monday, January 12, 2015

• h o p e f u l •

My boyfriend and I have been on again off again fighting lately. It's exhausting and upsetting. We recently agreed that we need to stop becoming mad with each other so quickly. We've made plans for a lunch date on Friday and I'm excited. This is an opportunity for us to be polite and kind to each other, while the public outing reduces the likelihood of an argument occurring.

No one knows I'm using this blog again. They're aware it exists, but I stopped using it a couple years ago when I changed to tumblr. I feel like I can publish what I want here without judgement. And I've always been more personal and open here than tumblr. I enjoy that I can come back here and honestly say what I need to get out.

I'm hopeful for all the changes that are happening this year. Final year of university. Six years with my boyfriend. Applying for my graduate nursing programs. Returning to gym and getting fit (again). My relationship working out and becoming a stronger couple. My boyfriend's plans to study also. One of my best friends is moving overseas and I'm excited to see her journey. One of my other best friends is coming to visit in a month.

2015 looks wonderful.

Sunday, January 11, 2015

I took one of those ColourQuiz personality things.


"Demands to be noticed by others as an important individual, needs attention and recognition. her current situation is leaving her dissatisfied. she feels she needs to make friends with those who hold the same high standards she does. Wants to stand out as someone at the top of her class and be admired by others. she needs to feel in control which makes it difficult to give of herself to another person. she feels isolated and alone but refuses to appear weak and continues to be emotionally distant from others in order to keep her attitude of superiority. "