they say you don't know what you got 'til it's gone / / they say that your darkest hour comes before your dawn

Thursday, January 15, 2015

r e m i n i s c e

I re-read old posts every now and again. I'm not sure why. Suppose I want to see how much has changed? I should be studying but I need to take a break. I'm currently sitting at my desk in track pants covered in cat hair and a sports bra. I'm drinking "forest fruits" tea and it's 9:45pm on a Thursday. And sometimes I re-read old posts other people have written. Maybe it's not because I want to see how much they've changed, but to see how much I've changed? Those posts don't make me feel the same way. I remember how I used to feel and I'm confused I ever felt that way. What did anger achieve?

I felt threatened. I worried someone was going to take away my happiness. That made me mad. That hurt me. That made me jealous. You can see it in my writing but I refused to admit it. I brushed it off as envy, like that was better. It wasn't. My behaviour was out of control and I thought rationalising it made it acceptable. I had valid reasons to worry, but that does not excuse my behaviour. Instead of becoming mad and jealous, I should have communicated my feelings. Sorted it out right then and there. I came here, wrote horrible posts, then washed myself of accountability. I blamed other people.

When I think about why my relationship has communication problems, it's no wonder. I hid behind a computer screen like a keyboard warrior. And my boyfriend hid behind his too. I should have done self-reflection and discussed why I felt that way. What was it about that situation that made me jealous? What did jealousy achieve? How could I process my feelings so I no longer felt jealous? At the time, I thought breaking up with my boyfriend was the best option. And in some regards, it was. It gave me time to consider whether being in that relationship was good for me. It gave me time to sort through my jealousy. It also gave him time to realise that ignoring my jealousy wasn't the answer. What should have happened is a conversation where we could explore what happened. That didn't happen. We got back together; I swallowed my pride. Jealousy wasn't what I felt. Smug became my replacement feeling. I chose to see it as "I have what you want and you can't touch my happiness ner ner ner." Because that was the mature thing to do.

I've done a lot of growing up in that time. I'm no longer smug or jealous. I learnt to work through those emotions. On my own. His behaviour didn't alter. He continued to do what he'd always done. I just got better at dealing with it. And in some ways, more than I would like to admit, that has hindered my relationship. I stopped trying to communicate with my partner and I just built a tougher shell. I made it difficult for people to get a rise out of me. Now, it's hard for people to tell when something upsets me. I don't talk about it. I feel it, I process, I move on. I don't tell people I'm upset. I don't tell them how they could prevent themselves from upsetting me. I don't tell them that it's okay for it to happen providing we work through it.

I felt too much before. Now I don't feel enough. And then I explode and feel too much.

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