I re-read old posts every now and again. I'm not sure why. Suppose I want to see how much has changed? I should be studying but I need to take a break. I'm currently sitting at my desk in track pants covered in cat hair and a sports bra. I'm drinking "forest fruits" tea and it's 9:45pm on a Thursday. And sometimes I re-read old posts other people have written. Maybe it's not because I want to see how much they've changed, but to see how much I've changed? Those posts don't make me feel the same way. I remember how I used to feel and I'm confused I ever felt that way. What did anger achieve?
threatened. I worried someone was going to take away my happiness. That
made me mad. That hurt me. That made me jealous. You can see it in my
writing but I refused to admit it. I brushed it off as envy, like that
was better. It wasn't. My behaviour was out of control and I thought
rationalising it made it acceptable. I had valid reasons to worry, but
that does not excuse my behaviour. Instead of becoming mad and jealous, I
should have communicated my feelings. Sorted it out right then and
there. I came here, wrote horrible posts, then washed myself of
accountability. I blamed other people.
think about why my relationship has communication problems, it's no
wonder. I hid behind a computer screen like a keyboard warrior. And my
boyfriend hid behind his too. I should have done self-reflection and
discussed why I felt that way. What was it about that situation that
made me jealous? What did jealousy achieve? How could I process my
feelings so I no longer felt jealous? At the time, I thought breaking up
with my boyfriend was the best option. And in some regards, it was. It
gave me time to consider whether being in that relationship was good for
me. It gave me time to sort through my jealousy. It also gave him time
to realise that ignoring my jealousy wasn't the answer. What should have
happened is a conversation where we could explore what happened. That
didn't happen. We got back together; I swallowed my pride. Jealousy
wasn't what I felt. Smug became my replacement feeling. I chose to see
it as "I have what you want and you can't touch my happiness ner ner
ner." Because that was the mature thing to do.
done a lot of growing up in that time. I'm no longer smug or jealous. I
learnt to work through those emotions. On my own. His behaviour didn't
alter. He continued to do what he'd always done. I just got better at
dealing with it. And in some ways, more than I would like to admit, that
has hindered my relationship. I stopped trying to communicate with my
partner and I just built a tougher shell. I made it difficult for people
to get a rise out of me. Now, it's hard for people to tell when
something upsets me. I don't talk about it. I feel it, I process, I move
on. I don't tell people I'm upset. I don't tell them how they could
prevent themselves from upsetting me. I don't tell them that it's okay
for it to happen providing we work through it.
I felt too much before. Now I don't feel enough. And then I explode and feel too much.