they say you don't know what you got 'til it's gone / / they say that your darkest hour comes before your dawn

Monday, February 23, 2015

I have written the same damn text message 20 times over but I still can't press send.

my boyfriend and I broke up. and no matter how angry I felt before or how hurt I was it doesn't take away the longing pain I feel without him. I have never wanted to talk to him so desperately until this moment. it kills me. all I want to do is say I'm sorry for hurting him and make sure he's okay and he's not lonely or sad or feeling unwanted. that's the last thing I want. it hasn't even been a week and I'm terrified I've made things worse. and I'm not entirely sure I feel better off without him. I was angry and I was hurt but now I just feel like there's a giant part of me missing. as cliche as that sounds - it's true. I keep thinking about him alone in his new apartment with his new job and all I can do is cry. he did what I asked and I still left. I knew at times I could be heartless but I never knew I could cut so deep.

Thursday, February 5, 2015

- acquaintances

so there's this person I used to have mild contact with that always sought out ways to make me angry or jealous or hurt for no apparent reason. and whenever I brought up their behaviour, they always denied it saying I was taking things personally and overreacting. I stumbled upon their instagram today and I did what anyone would have done and just looked through their photos (because it's public and if you didn't want me to see them you would have blocked me, let's be real here). this person once posted a photo intentionally aimed to make me jealous back when we were communicating. when I looked through their photos today, I noticed it had been deleted. this photo was posted something like two years ago. it stayed on their instagram for a long time because it would frequently come up in conversations. I called them out on it back then, they denied it like usual, but now it's gone. maybe it's their new relationship and they no longer have a reason to make me jealous. maybe it's because they're finally over whatever happened back then and it no longer matters. I just find it interesting that someone went to great lengths to hurt me once upon a time, detailing how that photo meant so much to them, to have it deleted like it never happened.

and in some weird way, I feel a great sense of satisfaction because I knew what was really going on the whole time. I was right. feels a bit like closure. almost.