they say you don't know what you got 'til it's gone / / they say that your darkest hour comes before your dawn

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

you wanna talk? okay fine.

when you added all those girls in december, it made me feel like you couldn't wait to fill the void with other girls. it made me feel like you were purposely trying to piss me off or make me jealous. it made me feel like you thought you could just replace me.
when you said you didn't remember why you did it, it made me feel like you didn't even think about me at that point, that adding random girls even tho you wanted to save our relationship felt like the right thing to do instead of deleting their requests.
when you said 'I didn't cheat on you' it makes me feel like you don't understand why adding random girls even tho you wanted to save our relationship is not the right fucking thing to do. it makes me feel like you missed the point.
when you started today's conversation with "way to crush me" instead of actually asking me about it first, it made me feel like you jumped down my throat for something that isn't wrong of me to do. you lashed out at me first. it makes me feel like you took what I said without considering the context. all of it was a fucking joke.
when you said you just wanted to be open with me, it made me feel like you were looking to blame and guilt trip me for something I hadn't actually done. you didn't bother to ask me if I had actually swiped right on anyone. you didn't bother to consider that when I tweeted about hating everyone, I literally swiped left on every. single. person.
when you ask what you should think about in relation to your behaviour, it makes me feel like you don't actually think about anything you do before doing it. it makes me feel like you honestly believe you've never done anything wrong. it makes me feel like you think I'm making a big deal out of nothing. it makes me feel like you can't see beyond the effects of your decisions on yourself. it makes me think that you don't think the things you do or say affect me. 
when you asked why I brought up something from before our break up, it made me feel like you were deflecting my question. it made me feel like you're making excuses. it makes me feel like you want to fix us without actually looking back at the problems we had in our relationship. it makes me feel like you think you can say you're sorry and it's okay? like I'm just going to let go of it and move on?
when you say you want to start building our relationship again, it makes me feel like you don't even know why we broke up in the first place.
when you say things like 'I don't even think about drugs or alcohol anymore' it makes me feel like you don't understand that our break up was about more than just that.
when you forget to realise that you lied and deceived me for an ENTIRE YEAR while you had a SECRET drug habit, it makes me feel like you miss the point completely. it makes me feel like you don't even see what else you did that was wrong. it makes me feel like you don't understand how LYING to me for an ENTIRE FUCKING YEAR damages a relationship.
when I had panic attacks because I thought something was wrong in our relationship and you told me things were perfectly fine, it made me feel like I couldn't trust myself. and when you continued to lie to me and made me trust your fucking lies over my own instinct, it fucked me up. because of the way you DECEIVED me for an ENTIRE YEAR, I can't trust the way I feel about anything. am I having another panic attack or something seriously going on behind the scenes? I don't know any more. I can't fucking trust anything when it comes to you. 
when you do this shit, it makes me feel like you honestly don't understand a thing.
when you don't actually answer my questions, it makes me feel like you don't actually want to talk about anything. it makes me feel like you don't want to explore why you were such a shitty person to me before we broke up. it makes me feel like you don't want to admit you did some super shitty things and just because you've changed you don't have to deal with those things any more.

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Sunday, March 15, 2015

this is where I leave you.

Judd : Three months ago I had a great job and a nice apartment and I was in love with my wife.
Penny : No, you weren't.
Judd : No?
Penny : No. She was sleeping with somebody else for a year and you never noticed... How in love could you have been?
Judd : Yep... That's fair.
this got me thinking last night. maybe I didn't pay enough attention? maybe I didn't love you? and then I realised something - I did notice. I loved you so much I flew into panic attacks and asked if everything was okay. I knew it wasn't. I knew something was wrong. You comforted me with lies. 'everything is fine. we're perfect'. you might not have cheated on me but the lines still ring true. I fucking noticed and you didn't love me enough to give me the truth I deserved. and now I'll never know if I can completely trust you again. I know you miss me. I know you love me. I just don't feel it. from you or towards you.

I am so fucking hurt that chips on the beach and a chat won't fix this. I don't know how to fix it and I don't know if it's even possible. what if I can't let it go? are we really destined to let this ruin us completely?

Monday, March 9, 2015

how did I end up this confused about something I was so sure of only months ago?

you keep asking me when we'll know that things are okay. how we will know if we've gotten through the worst and can go back to being together. and truth be told, I don't know. I honestly do not know. I want to say soon but time frames like that are so subjective and I've always been the kind to be objective. I can't give you a definite date. I don't know if I'll ever be able to get over this. within the last almost three weeks you've asked me twice. maybe it'll only take a few more weeks? maybe it'll take a few months? maybe a year? maybe never? I spent an entire year convincing myself that my anxiety was out of control. I asked you if things were okay and every single time you lied and told me it was fine. you reassured me nothing was wrong. I trusted you. you once cheated on me and it took me almost two years to learn to trust you again. and I gave you everything. I gave you my all. I even said I was excited to get married. you fucked me up once and I let you get away with it. I never thought you would have hurt me again. I honestly thought you'd never do anything to jeopardise our relationship. but you did. and now I don't know if I can trust you and I don't know if I can trust myself and that terrifies me. I can't trust myself and the way I feel any more. do I want things to work out and be okay? yes. but just because I want that, it doesn't mean everything will work out okay. I will never be able to find the words to accurately describe how traumatic this has been for me. I still cry whenever I think about how much you've lied to me, about how often you deceived me and how many times I brushed off my instinct as anxiety. and if I keep confusing instinct for anxiety because you made me believe that, then how do I know if I really love you as much as I think I do? how do I know the love you say you have for me is real? do you really love me or do you just want me there? how could you manipulate me like that? how could you purposefully make me believe things that weren't true? how can you honestly expect me to take anything you say seriously? how do I know you're not tricking me again? do you see how fucked up I am? you have ruined me. again.

it will be okay... won't it?
I don't know. maybe I should flip a coin?