they say you don't know what you got 'til it's gone / / they say that your darkest hour comes before your dawn

Monday, March 9, 2015

how did I end up this confused about something I was so sure of only months ago?

you keep asking me when we'll know that things are okay. how we will know if we've gotten through the worst and can go back to being together. and truth be told, I don't know. I honestly do not know. I want to say soon but time frames like that are so subjective and I've always been the kind to be objective. I can't give you a definite date. I don't know if I'll ever be able to get over this. within the last almost three weeks you've asked me twice. maybe it'll only take a few more weeks? maybe it'll take a few months? maybe a year? maybe never? I spent an entire year convincing myself that my anxiety was out of control. I asked you if things were okay and every single time you lied and told me it was fine. you reassured me nothing was wrong. I trusted you. you once cheated on me and it took me almost two years to learn to trust you again. and I gave you everything. I gave you my all. I even said I was excited to get married. you fucked me up once and I let you get away with it. I never thought you would have hurt me again. I honestly thought you'd never do anything to jeopardise our relationship. but you did. and now I don't know if I can trust you and I don't know if I can trust myself and that terrifies me. I can't trust myself and the way I feel any more. do I want things to work out and be okay? yes. but just because I want that, it doesn't mean everything will work out okay. I will never be able to find the words to accurately describe how traumatic this has been for me. I still cry whenever I think about how much you've lied to me, about how often you deceived me and how many times I brushed off my instinct as anxiety. and if I keep confusing instinct for anxiety because you made me believe that, then how do I know if I really love you as much as I think I do? how do I know the love you say you have for me is real? do you really love me or do you just want me there? how could you manipulate me like that? how could you purposefully make me believe things that weren't true? how can you honestly expect me to take anything you say seriously? how do I know you're not tricking me again? do you see how fucked up I am? you have ruined me. again.

it will be okay... won't it?
I don't know. maybe I should flip a coin?

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