they say you don't know what you got 'til it's gone / / they say that your darkest hour comes before your dawn

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

you wanna talk? okay fine.

when you added all those girls in december, it made me feel like you couldn't wait to fill the void with other girls. it made me feel like you were purposely trying to piss me off or make me jealous. it made me feel like you thought you could just replace me.
when you said you didn't remember why you did it, it made me feel like you didn't even think about me at that point, that adding random girls even tho you wanted to save our relationship felt like the right thing to do instead of deleting their requests.
when you said 'I didn't cheat on you' it makes me feel like you don't understand why adding random girls even tho you wanted to save our relationship is not the right fucking thing to do. it makes me feel like you missed the point.
when you started today's conversation with "way to crush me" instead of actually asking me about it first, it made me feel like you jumped down my throat for something that isn't wrong of me to do. you lashed out at me first. it makes me feel like you took what I said without considering the context. all of it was a fucking joke.
when you said you just wanted to be open with me, it made me feel like you were looking to blame and guilt trip me for something I hadn't actually done. you didn't bother to ask me if I had actually swiped right on anyone. you didn't bother to consider that when I tweeted about hating everyone, I literally swiped left on every. single. person.
when you ask what you should think about in relation to your behaviour, it makes me feel like you don't actually think about anything you do before doing it. it makes me feel like you honestly believe you've never done anything wrong. it makes me feel like you think I'm making a big deal out of nothing. it makes me feel like you can't see beyond the effects of your decisions on yourself. it makes me think that you don't think the things you do or say affect me. 
when you asked why I brought up something from before our break up, it made me feel like you were deflecting my question. it made me feel like you're making excuses. it makes me feel like you want to fix us without actually looking back at the problems we had in our relationship. it makes me feel like you think you can say you're sorry and it's okay? like I'm just going to let go of it and move on?
when you say you want to start building our relationship again, it makes me feel like you don't even know why we broke up in the first place.
when you say things like 'I don't even think about drugs or alcohol anymore' it makes me feel like you don't understand that our break up was about more than just that.
when you forget to realise that you lied and deceived me for an ENTIRE YEAR while you had a SECRET drug habit, it makes me feel like you miss the point completely. it makes me feel like you don't even see what else you did that was wrong. it makes me feel like you don't understand how LYING to me for an ENTIRE FUCKING YEAR damages a relationship.
when I had panic attacks because I thought something was wrong in our relationship and you told me things were perfectly fine, it made me feel like I couldn't trust myself. and when you continued to lie to me and made me trust your fucking lies over my own instinct, it fucked me up. because of the way you DECEIVED me for an ENTIRE YEAR, I can't trust the way I feel about anything. am I having another panic attack or something seriously going on behind the scenes? I don't know any more. I can't fucking trust anything when it comes to you. 
when you do this shit, it makes me feel like you honestly don't understand a thing.
when you don't actually answer my questions, it makes me feel like you don't actually want to talk about anything. it makes me feel like you don't want to explore why you were such a shitty person to me before we broke up. it makes me feel like you don't want to admit you did some super shitty things and just because you've changed you don't have to deal with those things any more.

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